Dear Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross,
We’ve been together for more than 25 years. I know some people don’t like you, but I do. (Yes, I know some parts of your lives are problematic.)
It took me a while to start hanging out with you. But after Episode 6 of Season 1 (“The One with the Butt”) in Fall 1994, I couldn’t ignore you any longer. We have my friend Heidi to thank.
Heidi: Do you watch “FRIENDS?” Me: No. Should I? Heidi: Yes. You are Monica. Monica is you.
That is the episode with the shoes.
Heidi isn’t the only one who has made the connection over the years.
In my defense, I lived with a complete pig my first year of college. She was the kind of person who would spill milk and just leave it. She wore my clothes, got beer all over them, and put them back in the closet.
I don’t like to clean, though. I just hate clutter. If everything is put away, it doesn’t LOOK dirty.
But I digress.
Artifacts from your lives arrived in Atlanta, so I had to go see them. I took the family. I’m definitely the biggest fan in the group as I met you when I was at the same stage in my life as you.
And yes, I do see myself in Monica. I also like to cook.
Gideon and I look happy. Of course, I took this just as we arrived. Ignorance is bliss.
Dear Six Flags Management:
My son and I visited Six Flags Over Georgia yesterday. A Saturday in June. We must have been high to think that was a good idea.
You can’t do anything about the sun or the heat, but you CAN do loads about the rest of the experience.
My complaints fall into three categories: customer service, your app and basic human needs.
1. Customer service
You have none. Not a single person working there wanted to work there. That was clear. And some who were “working” were not.
Case in point: Macho Nacho.
We went into the restaurant at 1:14 p.m. — prime lunch time. Though there are two sides, only one side was open — despite the fact that there was food out and ready to go on the unmanned side AND you clearly had the staff on hand.
A few minutes later, four employees came in with Icees and stood around watching the others work.
It was at this point that I went partial Karen and emailed guest relations.
Meanwhile, my son faded into oblivion.
One other thing: If you are going to advertise that you have guacamole, please have guacamole.
2. The Six Flags app
As I am a diamond member, you send me surveys all the time. You always ask about the app. I always tell you it sucks.
Why? It’s useless. It doesn’t provide any information you can’t get inside the park all over the place.
You know what makes a theme park app useful? Ride wait times. Every other theme park app has them.
Not yours.
Plus, you have to have cell service to use the app. Service in your park is nonexistent. And your WiFi?
Right.
One of the incentives to use the app is the chance to earn points with checkins. (What these points go toward is a mystery, but whatever.)
Great, right? Haha! No.
“Too far away?!” I’m IN THE LINE.
3. Basic human needs
People need food, clothing and shelter.
I would argue that you deprived us of the first for longer than necessary (see Complaint No. 1).
No. 2 is not applicable here. I live in the South. I know how to dress for a day at the theme park.
No. 3, though, is applicable when it comes to the rides. There is no reason you can’t have canopies over the lines for the rides.
We wanted to go on the Goliath, but the wait time appeared to be an hour in the broiling sun.
I would argue that hand sanitizer is now a basic human need. Why have sanitizing stations when you don’t fill them regularly? We tried five before we found one with fluid.
Also bathrooms need to be stocked with toilet paper. I can’t believe I have to tell you that.
After one ride and lunch, we were ready to leave.
Gideon: I’ve had enough for today. Let’s go and come back on a weekday or some night. Me: Good plan.
Please don’t send me an after-visit survey unless you really are planning to implement changes.
I’m surprised if I have any still. My last post was June 1. That’s more than three weeks: The longest dry spell in years.
In my defense, I’ve been very busy trying to stay alive.
Both of my children are now driving.
Each child presents a different patience challenge.
Gideon has a hard time with turns. And curbs.
Dominic doesn’t like stop signs. Or using his turn signal.
I sit (mostly) quietly in my seat concentrating on my heart rate. I try not to go for the grab handle (known as the “oh shit” handle) or stomp on the imaginary brake.
All that’s fine; they are learning.
But then, when I’m driving, I’m subjected to a critique:
Dominic from the back seat: Did you use your turn signal? Me: Yes!
Gideon on the way to the store: You took that turn pretty fast! Me: (side eye)
I am sure you are a lovely person. I appreciate your commitment to football. I am impressed by your communication skills.
However.
I am not as committed to football as you are. I never wanted to be a sports mom. But now that I am one, I want to remind you that my son is in school to get an education.
Practices five afternoons a week and three mornings is a bit much, don’t you think?
You don’t?
Ok.
Have you seen No. 27’s grades? Granted, they were on the downhill slide before football entered the picture.
But now he’s really got an excuse to be behind.
And for what? So he can stand around for a few hours on a Friday night?
Yes, yes, I know. He needs to learn. To pay his dues. To wait his turn.
I guess it will help him learn teamwork and time-management skills.
And there are worse places than a stadium to be on a pleasant Friday night.
Thank you for sharing with me the link to the car you want.
I regret to inform you that we are not going to get you a car at this time.
There are three very good reasons for this decision:
You do not yet have your license. You only have a permit until September.
You haven’t saved up enough money.
You are failing four out of seven classes.
Also, a MUSTANG? As a teenaged boy? A teenaged boy with terrible grades? You will not be able to afford the insurance. We will not be able to afford the insurance.
You said you wanted a car to be able to drive yourself to football practice, thus making it easier for us.
Thank you for your concern.
What I can offer you is my bus pass. The No. 25 goes right to your school.
Love,
Mama
*Thanks, Tracy Chapman. (Now try to get that song out of your head.)
This guy. Rep. Barry Fleming. UGH. He’s from the Georgia city that has the Laurel & Hardy Museum. His efforts would be a comedy if his fellow Republicans weren’t serious.
Dear Georgia GOP,
Hey, y’all! Georgia voter here. What you are doing with your omnibus elections bill is ridiculous. I know you are upset that President Biden won the state in November and Senators Ossoff/Warnock won their seats in January, but you can’t just change the rules because you lost.
Except you can, because that’s what you do (*cough* gerrymandering *cough*).
Stop being sore losers. Just mobilize your base and register new voters. You know, like Stacey Abrams did.
I’ve voted in every election. I voted absentee in November because, you know, PANDEMIC. I took a picture of myself at the ballot dropbox because I know how y’all like to pretend ballots are being returned by others. 🙄
Forcing a voter to make a copy of his/ her/their ID or get a witness for a signature IS NOT GOING TO STOP FRAUD.
Reducing early voting IS NOT GOING TO STOP FRAUD.
Eliminating no-excuse absentee voting IS NOT GOING TO STOP FRAUD.
It just makes voting a hassle for everyone.
Even the Georgia Secretary of State — a man in YOUR PARTY — says y’all lost because of unfounded conspiracy theories, not because of fraud.
Stop making it harder for people to vote. You should be reducing barriers. But I guess you aren’t interested in a fair fight. You want to rig the system.
Observe and report 