Now — a theme park for the most important people of all: STRAIGHT WHITE MEN.
Only STRAIGHT WHITE MEN are allowed — preferably married men wanting to get away from the ol’ ball and chain. Leave that shrill harpy HOME where she belongs!
Only AMERICANS — except for TYRANT TUESDAYS when Americans can bring a straight male friend from one of the following countries: Russia, South Africa, and Hungary.
Only the RICH. You must make more than 360 large. NO POORS. Show your bank statement with your ticket.
Nothing WOKE here. WE GUARANTEE. You never have to see a Pride flag or a black face.**
NO DEI either. Our rides are run by the cream of the crop: TEENAGE INCELS.
RED, WHITE, AND BLUELAND is affiliated with the ALL NEW John F. Kennedy and Kid Rock Big Ass Honkytonk Center for the Performing Arts and Rock ‘N’ Roll Steakhouse. The MARCH LINEUP features Kid Rock, Jason Aldean, Lee Greenwood, Ted Nugent, Billy Ray Cyrus, John Rich, and Monster Truck Action with the WORLD-FAMOUS TRUCKASAURUS. Also, David Copperfield.
‘MURICA!
*For now. I think. If you like this idea, you might be a racist. If you are offended, ask yourself why.
**But if you want to wear blackface, that’s totes fine here at RED, WHITE, AND BLUELAND. It’s not just for Halloween anymore!
Isn’t FOX News basically a scam targeting seniors? I can see why this administration wouldn’t want seniors to recognize a scam — like voting for a con man.
Hey kids!
Auntie Beth has a fun new game for you. It’s called Truth AND Consequences.
We’ll start with a scenario. You decide if it’s real or if Auntie Beth’s fertile imagination made it up Onion-style. Here’s an example:
Trump administration fires more than 300 staffers at the National Nuclear Security Administration. Rehires them the next day when they realize those people oversee America’s nuclear weapons. But wait: They can’t locate their personal contact info and are asking remaining employees for help.
A non-elected, non-government person with no oversight has been given broad access to internal, confidential U.S. government databases and is making sweeping decisions on funding programs based on whether he thinks they are valuable or not. Oh, and he makes $7 million per day from the very same government.
FAKE NEWS! Elon Musk makes $8 million per day from all his federal contracts.
VP Vance refused to meet with the Chancellor of Germany, but did meet with the leader of the far-right German party who calls Holocaust remembrance a “guilt cult.”
Speaker of the House Mike Johnson and Senate Majority Leader John Thune said that Trump cannot continue to govern through Executive Orders — that they are done being “his bitches,” and he must work with Congress.
Please. Are you kidding? That’s as FAKE as RFK Jr.’s tan. Those two couldn’t find a spine if they were locked overnight in the Brooklyn Bone Museum.
The man above was busted for:
A. Serving minors in his bar. B. Drinking on the job. C. Cheating on his taxes. D. Causing an international PR crisis.
This is a toughie. It’s D for sure, but also likely C and B (though it LOOKS like A if you happen to just glance at the TV*).
Old man who has been accusing everyone of spending too much money spends $5 million for a joyride around a racetrack.
How many out of the 15 did you get right? (Were you even able to add up your score through your tears and/or blinding rage?)
This is America, y’all. Schoolhouse Rock didn’t prepare us for this bullshit.
The United States has three branches of government. At the moment, only the executive branch and judicial branch seem to be active. The Republicans in Congress seem to be OK with Trump governing via Executive Order.
Trump fans: “Gas is too expensive. I can’t afford eggs! Trump is going to help the regular folks.” Trump nominates billionaires to cabinet positions and invites others to his inauguration while — quite literally — leaving regular folks out in the cold. Trump fans: “Sounds great! They will put America first.”
Musk is really smart but not smart enough not to do what looks just like a Nazi salute? And I know many autistic people who don’t run around doing that gesture. Make it make sense. Satan, is this your idea of Hell on Earth for me outside of Florida?
Succeed in what, Leon? SUCCEED IN WHAT?
There’s an excuse for every damn thing. No one ever says, “Yep. That was wrong. I don’t agree with it.” It’s always, “But Biden did this thing … “ or “I work for Trump.” No, you work for the American people.
Requiring all federal workers to return to in-person work, as well as a directive to address the cost-of-living crisis. I’m sure that order is going over well with workers. And I’m no genius like Musk, but I’m thinking that the cost of living is much lower in rural areas instead of cities where federal workers might have to be in the office. If they could work from home from these areas, it might kill two birds with one stone. But what do I know?
Ending birthright citizenship protected by the 14th Amendment. Nice try, but Trump can’t change the U.S. Constitution with an Executive Order. Both chambers of Congress would have to pass the amendment with a two-thirds majority, plus at least 38 states would have to approve. Not so easy peasy. Fun fact: People have said that four of his five kids won’t be citizens anymore, but that isn’t true: One parent had to be a U.S. citizen at the time of the child’s birth. But guess who WOULDN’T be considered a citizen anymore? Kamala Harris (probably why petty Mr. Trump is so keen on getting rid of the protection). You know who else? Vivek Ramaswamy. Oh, and new Secretary of State Marco Rubio. C’est la vie!
Withdrawing from the World Health Organization. Why? Because they hurt Trump’s fee fees during the COVID pandemic for how he handled it? If the United States is out, it’s likely China will step up. That would give them more worldwide influence. Is that a good idea?
Renaming Gulf of Mexico and Denali to Gulf of America and Mount McKinley respectively. Regarding the first, GTFO. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I mean, fine. I guess Trump can make the United States do what he wants, but he can’t make the world call it that. Regarding the second, there is some ridiculousness at play here. Just look at this from the White House website:
Denali already is named to honor our nation’s history — Native American history as it comes from Alaska’s KoyukonAthabascan people, translating roughly to “The Great One.” A prospector named Dickey started calling it Mount McKinley in 1897; the federal government officially named it McKinley in 1917. Alaska reps started trying to get the name changed back to Denali beginning in 1975 and finally succeeded in 2015, over the protests of the reps in McKinley’s home state of Ohio. OHIO. By the way, McKinley never even set foot in Alaska. So which history is Trump honoring? A president who only served for four years (1897-1901) or, you know, an entire people and country that existed before white folks showed up? That’s a rhetorical question. I know whom Trump likes.
I genuinely think Trump does and says crazy things every day so that he keeps the focus and also so that no one has time to really give any of these things full attention. Nothing gets even one full news cycle. Not that the national news is doing any kind of real news reporting. (And I say that as someone who was an actual news reporter.)
Handouts include removing the estate tax for millionaires, lowering the corporate tax rate to 15 percent, and repealing the corporate profit minimum tax of 15 percent. Cost? $1.2 trillion.
Ways to pay for it? Well, they aren’t going to turn around and tax those same people. Guess who pays? I’ll take “working families” for $100, Alex.**
How? By removing the mortgage interest deduction, raising taxes on single parents, raising taxes on college students, eliminating the tax credit for child care. Oh right, and the tariff on imports, which will be passed along to consumers because THAT IS HOW TARIFFS WORK.
Satan, you have really done a number here. You convinced so many people to vote against their own best interests. Congratulations! Really, good job! During the election, there was one candidate promising $25K toward a down payment for a house. Now the one who won — your buddy! — is taking away a tax credit for people who somehow manage to actually own a house. Delightful!
Really spectacular work. You’ve gone above and beyond.
I’m SO EXCITED to be living in this timeline, Satan. Thanks so much for your machinations.
(Maybe I should have added a trigger warning for extreme sarcasm.)
Sigh.
At least this train wreck can’t go on indefinitely. For you to get a soul, the person has to … expire. No one lives forever.
Not that I’m wishing death on anyone or anything. Of course not.
Maybe good ultimately will win.
Maybe some people in power will discover they have spines.
Maybe you’ll get distracted by a Georgia kid named Johnny or something.
Though I’m not a fan of Biden’s Department of Education (see FAFSA failure), Trump’s was terrible too (hi, Betsy DeVos).
Now he just wants to just get rid of the DoE altogether.
Without the Department of Education, what becomes of special needs programs? Head Start? Pell Grants? FAFSA overall?
Oh, money is going back to the states? Riiiiight. Sure it is. I’ll bite: How? What’s the process? How is it not going to be a disaster like FAFSA was/is?
Why do I care? I work in higher education. I am worried about my job in a way I’ve never had to worry about in any other presidential election.
Also, Vance called professors “the enemy.” So that’s great. 🙄
If I lose my job, I can’t sleep on the street. SCOTUS said so.
Plus, I’m middle aged. The sidewalk would hurt my back.
Ordinarily, if the candidate I voted for didn’t win, I’d be disappointed, but I’d go about the business of living my life. Just regular grousing.
It’s different now.
Among many other ‘bright’ ideas, Trump said he wants to bring back prayer in schools (which is a violation of the separation of church and state, and unconstitutional as of 1962), eliminate birthright citizenship (which is against the 14th Amendment of the Constitution**), and plans to go through with mass deportations of millions of people (with “no price tag” — isn’t that the OPPOSITE of smaller government you said you wanted?).
Y’all did say you care about the economy and immigration, so let’s start with the latter.
I don’t think you know who picks your food. Who works on your roads. Who builds your houses. And it will deter people in the tech, engineering and medical fields as well.
There will be a price tag, alright. And we will all pay it.
Deporting illegal immigrants will collapse our economy. Also, we are talking about HUMAN BEINGS with full lives and families in this country. What are they going “back” to? What about the people who have no ties to their country of “origin?” What’s wrong with you?
I did my own reconnaissance on the price of things, just for an “OMGTHINGSARESOEXPENSIVE!!” baseline. (They aren’t.)
Note that I’m in Oregon, where cost of living is higher for many things. Produce tends to be lower, though. Still, I’ll check back in on these prices once Trump really gets going.
It’s worth noting that this is the lowest gas has been since I moved here.
I meant to take a pic of coffee. That’s something we import the shit out of. And bananas and sugar. I’ll document those on my next grocery run.****
If Trump starts with his insane tariff plans, costs for all those will go up.
I don’t think you understand tariffs. Or economics. Or definitions of economic systems.
Let me help.
Capitalism: Private individuals and companies offer goods and services. They control production and distribution.
Socialism: The community owns goods and services through a centralized government. Individuals can own property.
Communism: Everything is owned by an authoritarian government. No private property.
Marxism: A critique of capitalism that focuses on the exploitation of workers. Marx said the next step is socialism after the workers rebel.
And while we are at it, here are three more:
Fascism: A system of government where a dictator has complete power — squashing criticism and opposition while emphasizing extreme nationalism.
Authoritarianism: A system of government where the power of the state — either one person or a small group not accountable to the people — is more important than individual freedom.
Oligarchy: A form of government in which a few people or a dominant class holds all the power.
Huh. Those three sound a little too familiar.
Anyway. I did what I could before the election to counter the misinformation you all were lapping up like my naked cat drinks water. I tried. And I voted. Even though my ballot has STILL not been counted, according to the online tracker. (Starlink, again?)
All I can say is this:
I hope you get what you voted for.
Beth
Just putting this here for proof. Ignore the apostrophe (“High’s”). The rest is accurate. (I didn’t make this graphic.)
Soak Oregon will put the fear of God in you: “The last few miles [to the trail head] are on a rough road, so we recommend a high-clearance vehicle.”
Don’t pay any attention to that. (Auntie Beth nearly rented a Jeep. She would have been PISSED OFF if she had wasted that money. She was totally fine in her tiny, low-clearance VW.)
Soak Oregon also warns, “This trail is steep.”
Do pay attention to that.
The part that has a makeshift hand rail does not need it, and the part that absolutely does need one does NOT.
Auntie Beth tripped on a tree root and nearly toppled backward onto her man friend, which would surely have sent him to his death (not that she is being dramatic in any way).
A rare quiet moment at the hot springs.
There should have been warnings about other things.
• Facilities. The U.S. Forest Service notes a vault toilet on site. It does not mention that the smell emanating from it is akin to a fleet of porta potties after Lollapalooza.
•The horde of hippies. It was just after lunch on a Tuesday. Auntie Beth had taken the day off. Had all these young people done the same thing? Or was this their job as “influencers” or something? There were so many of them — probably 40 total in pods of five and six — clogging all the pools.
• Dress code. Auntie Beth had been warned that Oregon hot springs are nakie. She was resigned to her derobed destiny. What she found might have been worse: the entire Columbia Sportswear catalog.
• Pot. The Hot Springs Hippies LOVED them some weed. Auntie Beth is no square, but does not understand the allure of smoking when edibles exist. (Don’t people care about their lungs?) Also, secondhand smoke is AWFUL. So skunky.
Auntie Beth took this pic after the first wave of visitors cleared out.
With rising concern (i.e., panic) about the hike back down, a burgeoning pot-induced headache, and general distaste for crowds, Auntie Beth felt the need to cut her visit short.
See that tight-lipped smile? Auntie Beth is not feeling the restorative effects of the hot springs.
No fewer than two wannabe travel guides insisted that Auntie Beth and Man Friend should explore the lower pools.
“No, thank you.”
If this sounds like your idea of a good time, ENJOY!
One of the locals Auntie Beth met at the nearby convenience store did say that the time to go is first thing in the morning as no one is there.
(Right. That’s because it is SO VERY COLD outside.)
I’m so glad I have you. I know I ignore you sometimes. But Stella always gets her groove back.
I get sand in my shell, and my posts become my pearl. Well, they are pearls to me.
“Any writer worth his salt writes to please himself … It’s a self-exploratory operation that is endless. An exorcism of not necessarily his demon, but of his divine discontent.” –Harper Lee
What’s interesting to me is that what some readers find pearls are the exact posts that others find to be sand still.
For example, in election years, my posts seesaw between some kind of topical outrage and mundane daily life. Those who love the former also seem to like the latter.
But not all who like the latter also like the former.
I’m sure it depends on whether the person agrees with me or not.
However, if I don’t write, I might die.
“Words are a lens to focus one’s mind.” –Ayn Rand
It’s my chief creative outlet. It gives me a reason to get out of the house. (Sometimes it is the only reason.)
And through the magic of technology, I can schedule posts — a fact a former coworker (aka Mean Girl) didn’t understand. I’m convinced she friended me on Facebook just to spy on me. She complained about me to my boss, saying I was using work time to write. My boss told me. I was incredulous.
“Does she not understand how this works?” I asked him. He shrugged.
“A word after a word after a word is power.” –Margaret Atwood
Here I get to vent my spleen about her and others.
“I write to discover what I know.” –Flannery O’Connor
I also get an excuse to do research like I did when I was a full-time journalist.
“When you make music or write or create, it’s really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you’re writing about at the time.” –Lady Gaga
Ultimately, this blog is for me. Maybe it’s for others too. It’s not for everyone. I’m OK with that.
In the age of social media, I know it is hard not to share a chart or a meme that fits in with your world view/personal bias. I know it seems great in the moment, but I really encourage you to check your facts.
As we are in an election year, and people are foaming at the mouth, sharing misinformation is a real problem.
A couple of far-right friends shared a chart I found interesting:
It’s interesting to me because it looks great for your cause if you are a Trump supporter.
BUT THIS CHART IS WRONG. I know it is wrong because I had recently done some research on gas prices.
(That people think the President of the United States controls the price of gas is insane to me.)
Anyway, I was motivated to get the real numbers, and I had some spare time.
I put together a spreadsheet. I hate Excel, so I need everyone to understand that this is a big deal.
In addition to providing the real data for the categories in the chart above, I added some other key info such as the global inflation rate, deficit and GDP. I also added the numbers for the last four years Obama was in office to give context.
I’m presenting it here without comment. These are real numbers, and I can provide sources for this data (non-media sources). Let me know if you want me to send you the spreadsheet with source links.
The bottom line: Educate yourself. Decide what is important to you. Vote accordingly.
Also, don’t share stupid inflammatory shit that is wrong. There is enough misinformation in the world without you adding to it.
This week, we covered Riesling, Chardonnay and Sauvignon Blanc.
Chardonnay and I have not been friends. I have a theory that people who dislike Chardonnay also dislike IPAs.
(IPAs. Gross.)
What I have learned in this class, though, is that I don’t like Chardonnays fermented in oak. Give me stainless steel, please.
See? I’m learning.
I’ve also learned that my palate may be more discerning than I thought.
We tasted a zinfandel last week. We were supposed to taste notes of red fruits and black fruits.
OK, check.
Another student in the class said she tasted meat.
Alright, Jill. Calm down.
But maybe I’m the weird one. After all, one wine did taste like chicken bouillon to me.
I’ll know more in a few weeks. Yet, I’ll never know as much as folks in the “Somm” documentary.
I was planning on just being happy to pass the eventual test. But I’ve learned that it’s possible to pass with merit (75+) or distinction (85+). Great. Now I have to study.
It’s been YEARS since I’ve been in your environs. But you are where my annual journalism educators conference was held.
I think I like you better than I did when I was last here — about 15 years ago. And I liked you then.
You have history:
Pop culture:
(Here’s a hint if that means nothing to you:)
AND plenty of cool new things to do. Like the Cauldron Bar, where you can make potions.
I love themed things like this.
My fellow witch and wizard discussed creative evening options available now during our concoction brewing.
I want to DO things when I go out: sing karaoke, try to dominate at trivia, play darts, suck at pool, do an escape room, trash talk during mini golf, murder someone at Skee ball. I don’t want to sit around at a bar.
There are more places cropping up where you can do these things, and the focus isn’t on drinking.
Philly, you even have Karaoke Taxi.
Whuuuuut?!
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
Anyway, I had a great time. Thanks. I’ll be back. I’m def an East Coast girl.
I’m a fan. That’s why I badgered my friend Jason into seeing you take on the Portland Thorns on the Wrex Coast Tour.
But it wasn’t the Thorns. It was the Thorns Academy. Like high schoolers.
Should have been an easy win, right.
Yeah, not so much.
When we left (early, because we are old and wanted to “avoid the crowds” as our dads used to say), you were down 4-0. One goal happened because your goalie was way out on the field.
Observe and report 