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Posts Tagged ‘Bright ideas’

New USPS slogan: Infuriating people the world over.*

Posted in Politics, Random, tagged , , , , on January 15, 2015| 1 Comment »

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Dear USPS deciders-in-chief:

I avoid the Fahm Street branch of the U.S. Postal Service in Savannah because the agents working there are always so unpleasant. Today was by far the worst “service” I’ve ever experienced. What follows is exactly what happened to Eddie, the kids and me today when we arrived for our passport renewal appointment referenced in my last post.

Scene: Two women working the counter. Each has a customer. I am the next person in line.

Woman 1: (Nametag covered by sweater) Can I help you?
Me: I’m here to renew a child’s and an adult’s passport.
Woman 1: (Looks at me blankly for at least five seconds while I look back. It lasts so long that I begin to wonder if I had actually spoken words to her.) The child doesn’t have to be here to renew the passport.

(This seems like an odd thing to say. It doesn’t change my reason for standing in front of her.)

Me: Yes, he actually does, along with both parents.
Woman 2 (to Woman 1): (As if we are not standing there) Do they have an appointment?
Woman 1 (to me): Do you have an appointment?
Me: Yes, at 2:15.
Woman 1: (Sighs and goes to get a book from the back then returns to the counter) Your name?
Me: Concepción
Woman 1: (Looks at me as if my name is an affront to all that she values in life, then looks at the book again) What’s that name?
Me: Concepción. C-O-N-C-E-P-C-I-O-N. 2:15 today.
Woman 1: (Apparently finding my name) Wait over there or in the chairs. It doesn’t matter. She’ll be with you in a moment.
Me: Who will be with me?
Woman 1: (Indicates Woman 2 with her head)

Waiting commences. We watch Woman 1 be unfriendly to four more customers. Woman 2 finishes passport paperwork for her customer.

Woman 2: (To the whole lobby, even though we are standing four feet in front of her and facing her) Concepción!
Me: I have a child and adult passport renewal.
Woman 2: (Nametag reads “Mrs. B. Mobley”) We don’t do adult renewals here.
Me: (Smiling and trying to be friendly) OK, but I can mail it from here.
Mrs. B. Mobley: (Looks at me in a hostile manner) Yes.

I hand her my materials. She looks at Dominic’s photo.

Mrs. B. Mobley: This photo is not the right format. The face is too close. Our camera is broken. You can send it in anyway and see if they contact you.
Me: I followed the instructions on the U.S. Department of State website …
Mrs. B. Mobley: (Cutting me off) That is not my concern. I asked you if you wanted to send it in as is and see if they process it or contact you for a different photo.
Me: (Noting her condescending tone and reflecting my dissatisfaction with a tightness around my eyes and mouth) Yes. I want to send it in.

She fills out paperwork while I make sure Eddie’s renewal paperwork is in order. In a very clipped tone, she requests various things such as signatures, a check for the renewal, and a $25 processing fee (!). (I have to pay for the five minutes it takes to have this paperwork processed by a surly employee?)

Me: (After watching how she attaches Dominic’s photo to the application) May I borrow your stapler? (She hands it to me with a sigh.) I just put it on like you just did?
Mrs. B. Mobley: (No answer. Just a nasty look.)
Me: (Thinking “Why you gotta be so mean?“) How much is the renewal fee for adults?
Mrs. B. Mobley: $110.
Me: And I just put this all in an envelope and send it off? There’s nothing else?
Mrs. B. Mobley: (Still condescending) That’s how it works.

She finalizes Dominic’s paperwork. I finalize Eddie’s and mail it off. The process is over, thankfully. This is 20 minutes of perhaps the worst customer service I’ve ever experienced.

Do you deliberately seek the most ill-natured people you can find for your customer service positions? These two women have no business dealing with the public.

Look, we all know the USPS is in trouble and hemorrhaging money. Don’t you think you could help your situation by improving customer service? Stop advertising and start improving the experience for the people who are paying you. It’s your only hope!

Screen Shot 2015-01-15 at 3.27.38 PM

I would rather gnaw off my own arm than go to the Fahm Street location again. There are other passport locations. For my mail needs, I’ll continue using my local post office. The people are inept, but at least they are nice.

Sincerely,
Beth

*apologies to Holiday Inn

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New USPS slogan: You work hard so we don’t have to.

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , on January 9, 2015| Leave a Comment »

67517_600Dear USPS deciders-in-chief:

I think I know why the USPS is in trouble.

  1. I went to my local post office to mail Christmas cards at the beginning of December. They did not have any holiday stamps. None. What’s up with that?
  2. In the middle of December, I requested a mail hold for a three-day span. Two days after it expired, I still had not received my mail. I called my local post office to find out the mail’s whereabouts. The woman on the phone seemed to have no understanding of how the online mail hold request system worked, no idea where my mail was, or how to reach my carrier. She said they don’t have cell phone numbers for carriers because they are not allowed to contact them while they are out. Um … what?!?
  3. I needed to mail a package to my brother-in-law at the end of December. My local post office printed a label for Priority Mail at a cost of $55. Shocked by that price, I balked. The woman told me that there was nothing she could do because she already printed the postage sticker. I had to pay the price.

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
— inscription on the James Farley Post Office in New York City

Yeah, well, crappy management might.
— Beth, consumer

Is this just December craziness or evidence of a larger problem? I’m inclined to choose the latter because of this:

I need to renew Dominic’s passport. As he is a minor, he must come in person to an authorized passport location, along with Eddie and me. There are only two post offices in Savannah where you can renew minor passports: The main post office on Fahm Street and the Eisenhower branch.

The process took fewer than five minutes last time. The agent had to look at the identification for all three of us and sign the form.

Yet now you require an appointment. An appointment! And when I called to make this appointment, I couldn’t get one for three weeks. Really?!? Is that your bright idea or does it belong to some genius at the U.S. Department of State?

Also, there are no Saturday appointments, so that means I have to pull Dominic out of school, and Eddie and I have to take off work to go to this appointment. Brilliant.

If you’d like to stay in business, you might want to consider customer needs a bit more. Just a thought!

Sincerely,
Beth

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Celebrity spotting: Home edition

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on December 10, 2014| 2 Comments »

Photo by Eric Ray Davidson for EW

Photo by Eric Ray Davidson for EW

Dear Jason Bateman, Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis,

I read with interest the piece Anthony Breznican wrote about you and “Horrible Bosses 2” for the Nov. 28 issue of Entertainment Weekly. Breznican apparently conducted the interview on the rooftop of the Beverly Hilton Hotel. I stayed at that remarkable hotel for one night in October. When I saw the location, I had four thoughts:

  1. I didn’t know the Beverly Hilton had a rooftop terrace.
  2. I still feel oily for taking a photo of the room number of the suite where Whitney Houston died.
  3. It would have been great to see you in the lobby when I was there instead of Fred Willard — not that he isn’t fantastic in his own right.
  4. It’s probably best I didn’t because I might have run over and dorkily asked you all over to my house for dinner and a round of Cards Against Humanity.

When I told Eddie about all that, he fixated on No. 4 and said:

Oooh … can we invite Pharrell and Shaq too?

In theory, this is a great idea: Hang out with celebrities at our house. In reality, if this were to happen, I might have a panic attack similar to the one I had when Eddie threatened to invite his buddy Bobby Deen for dinner. I like to cook, but I’m not sure I want to cook for a chef. (Just thinking about it makes me want to breathe into a paper bag.)

Also, my friend Ken Griner said it is usually a mistake to meet your idols because sometimes they turn out to be jerks.

I can’t imagine that would be the case with you three. I’m willing to take my chances, potential for panic notwithstanding.

If you are interested, have your people call my people. “My people” being me, of course. Nothing rarefied here.

We’ll have fun, I promise.

Awaiting your RSVP,
Beth

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What little boys are made of

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , on June 20, 2014| Leave a Comment »

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Dear Fellow Moms of Boys:

I need to talk to you. I need some commiseration time. I need to know that I’m not alone in Crazy Town.

Please tell me that you also have to deal with:

1. Dirt everywhere: skin, nails, various orifices

2. Constant wiener grabbing (It’s still there, I promise! It hasn’t fallen off since you checked the last time!)

3. Watching truly dreadful movies like “Mortal Kombat” and “Mortal Kombat: Annihilation” (and then dealing with the aftermath of reenactment during bath time)

4. Noises

5. Minecraft

6. The world broken into good and evil (That’s it. No middle ground.)

7. Constant sibling harassment

8. Nerf guns and lots of them

9. Constant eating

10. Critters everywhere (“Look, Mama! I found a [frog, caterpillar, worm, roach, dead bird, tadpole, strange-looking bug, piece of trash that looks interesting because it looks like a bug]!)

11. Shoes that wear out in exactly 10 days

12. Knee holes in every single pair of pants (Ladies: Amiright?)

They are either turned up to 11 or asleep.

I feel like a stranger in my own house because I am missing a particular apparatus. Then I think about the alternative. Do I really want to deal with pink overload, dress-up clothes and Barbies? (Yes, I’m stereotyping AND generalizing. Sue me.)

Help me, ladies! While I endure the aforementioned “Mortal Kombat” sequel, remind me why having boys is a good thing.

Their unbridled love of adventure is infectious? Yes.
They simply don’t care about cleanliness? Yes.
They love their mamas? Yes.

Sigh. They really are inspiring. Fine. OK. I cry, “Uncle.”

See you soon; I’ll be out making mudpies.
Beth

 

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“Work comes from work”

Posted in Advice, tagged , , on March 31, 2014| Leave a Comment »

970249_539592979431185_1168549634_nDear Job Seeker:

Auntie Beth is here to help you get that dream job, or at least something that may lead to your dream job. Just so you know, kids, Auntie Beth has never been unemployed, or even underemployed. Auntie Beth has worked her heinie off since the tender age of 15 when she scooped ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. Auntie Beth has no sympathy for whiners.

If you want to work, there are jobs out there for you. “Work comes from work,” said the great sage Jerry Saltz, art critic for New York Magazine, at a recent SCAD event. It is a full-time job to get a full-time job. Get out of your robe, get off Facebook, and get going.

Here are Auntie Beth’s Top Five Tips for Getting a Job:

1. Rework your résumé. Put everything on one page. Yes, ONE PAGE. People don’t have time to sift through your stuff looking for interesting nuggets. Make it easy. Tailor your résumé for each listing. Use their keywords. If you have gaps in employment, use the header “related experience.” If your education is the best fit for the job, put that first. If it is your experience, put that first. Persuade people with your résumé that you are the perfect fit.

2. Do your research. Once you know that an organization is hiring, find out everything you can. What are the organization’s strengths and weaknesses? How can you contribute? What are your unique skills that would be valuable to the organization’s goals? This will help you take on No. 3 below, and will help you if you make it to the interview stage.

3. Use your cover letter to persuade by offering proof. Your cover letter should consist of three main paragraphs. In the first paragraph, explain how you found out about the job. If someone in the organization gave you a lead, NAME DROP. Explain why you want the job and are the best candidate. In the second paragraph, prove how you were successful in previous jobs and tie your proof to what they want. If they say they want someone with time-management skills, don’t just write, “I have excellent time-management skills,” prove it by writing, “I was able to juggle three college courses while working two full-time jobs — one of which named me ‘Sales Leader of the Month.'” In the third paragraph, reiterate why you are the best and explain what you will do next (i.e. “I will call you in two weeks to set up a meeting to discuss the position.”). Then do it. You cannot be passive. (Although if the ad says, “no calls,” you have to respect that.)

4. Network. Use your vast Facebook friends list for good: Tell everyone that you are looking for a job. Tell them what you can do and what kind of job you want. Ask former colleagues and supervisors to endorse you on LinkedIn. Join groups so you get notifications of open positions. Most people get jobs because of people they know. One of my former students tracked down the information on the person doing the hiring for a position he wanted. It turns out that the person and I worked together and are still Facebook friends. He asked for a reference, which I willingly gave because he is industrious and I like him. The chance of you finding a job through simply responding to ads on monster.com is next to nil. Most people will go out of their way to help you and connect you with people they know who are hiring. Follow up on all of those leads and then thank each person in writing.

5. Put on your big girl panties or big boy pants and get out there. Dress for the job you want. Jeans and a hoodie are not going to cut it. Invest in a suit. It is an investment that will pay off handsomely. Go in person in that suit to organizations where you want to work. Drop off your résumé. Be friendly and energetic. They’ll be impressed, I promise. A student of mine did that and had a great job in less than 24 hours. Remember: The worst thing anyone can do is say, “No.” It’s scary but you must do it.

Remember: Your job is to get a job. If you cannot pay for your own living expenses without help, then you are either a student or you are underemployed and need a better job.

Don’t be afraid to take a good job just because it isn’t exactly what you want. Cliché alert: It is a foot in the door and a step in the right direction toward the “right” job — and it pays the bills in the meantime.

Now go get ’em, Tiger. Make Auntie Beth proud!

 

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Tips for surviving weather delays

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on February 12, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Hey Kids!

Auntie Beth has some cool tips for you to help you get through those nasty flight cancellations. Check ’em out!

1. When the agent at the so-called “elite” number can’t get you home until Sunday when you were supposed to be home Wednesday, say, “Sure, that’s fine!” to whatever she books. Then go talk to the gate agent.

2. Be nice to the gate agent. Joke that you are going to get all loud and obnoxious  if they can’t get you home sooner. Of course, you are just joking!

3. When that gate agent finds you a flight Saturday, say, “Thanks,” then tease that maybe the other agent can do a better job. Ha ha! Oh, we’re all friends here.

4. What the what?!? The other gate agent CAN do better and gets you on a flight Thursday. Yay! Thank that person (named Sean) profusely.

5. Remember to be nice: Gate agents named Sean can give you cool stuff like meal vouchers that restaurants may or may not use, taxi vouchers to Boston from Manchester, N.H., and travel vouchers to someplace wonderful during spring when there are no snow/ice delays.

6. Make sure to get a taxi driver who complains, “I don’t want to drive to Boston.” It’s better when he repeats that phrase every 10 minutes for an hour.

7. Share the cab with a similarly displaced traveler. You’ll make new friends while making sure the cabbie is less likely to dump you on the side of the road.

8. Use your meal vouchers for wine. Dull that pain of not being home with your long-suffering husband and kids.

9. Take some wine to go. You’ll need it in your hotel room when you only have Matt Lauer and Candy Crush to keep you company.

10. Wash your underwear in the sink. Come on, it will be fun! Channel the spirit of your inner pioneer woman.

Tune in next time when Auntie Beth gives you tips on surviving Logan airport during THE BIGGEST STORM OF THE CENTURY.

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Warning: Iceholes Ahead

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , on January 29, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Dear Savannah Leaders:

Thank you for erring on the side of caution and closing businesses and schools. What am I doing at home today? Wearing sweatpants, enjoying a fire, and watching Atlantarctica 2014 on CNN.

Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal and Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed are playing the politicians’ favorite sport: dodgeball. Deal even claimed meteorologists got the forecast wrong.

Um. No. No they didn’t. (Full disclosure: I am a meteorologist. For real.)

Winter storm forecastAnyone with more than ice between his ears would have known what kind of storm was coming.

Anyone who wasn’t a snowman would have had enough heart to encourage school and business leaders to close up shop.

Anyone with more than a light dusting of sense would have mobilized the sand trucks.

Sadly, Atlanta’s leaders didn’t really learn from mistakes made in 2011.

As a result, children were stranded in schools and on buses. Commuters’ drives took many hours. Hundreds even abandoned their cars.

Atlanta snowMany shacked up in churches, fire stations, Home Depot. Though sleeping on patio furniture is preferable to the side of the road, it did not have to happen.

They should have been at home. Safe. Better safe than sorry.

I bet Deal, Reed and other leaders are sorry now.

Meanwhile, we in Southeast Georgia got the “wintry mix” we expected (sleet, freezing rain) but not quite the amount. No meteorologist I know promised snow.

Car glaze

imageWe shouldn’t be driving in icy conditions and we are not. So thank you, Savannah leaders. You did the right thing.

Maybe you can teach Atlanta’s old dogs some new tricks.

Warm and dry,
Beth

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Warning label needed

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , on January 13, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Dear Natural Science Industries:

I’m writing in reference to this product:

0004240949005_500X500May I make a suggestion? Please include a warning on the box that notifies purchasers that the process takes at least a month.

That’s right: one month.

Oh, and that the tumbler sounds like an airplane taking off.

And it must run continuously.

Let’s recap: If you use this item, your house will sound like an airport every moment for at least 28 days.

Potential purchasers need to know this. Please warn them accordingly.

I thank you from the bottom of my bloody ear canal.

Sincerely,
Beth (mother of Gideon, who likes rocks)

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Happy birthday, 2014!

Posted in Parenting, Random, tagged , , , , on January 1, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Dear 2014,

Well, 2013 came in sucky and left the same way (flu, among other issues). While there were a few positive moments, the year was a tough one.

But 2014, I like the looks of you already. In your honor, I’ve made some resolutions.

I resolve to:

  1. Buy this. (Note: We tried a muffin tin. It didn’t work.)
  2. Watch “Breaking Bad.” (Finally.)
  3. Vacation in Amsterdam on a houseboat or cruise the Rhine with our best friends.
  4. Write more blog posts about the strange things that fascinate me*.

    That sounds about right.

    That sounds about right.

  5. Refuse to feel guilty for simply being happy to keep my children alive day to day.
  6. Care less about the constant snubs from members of Eddie’s family (his birthday, my birthday, boys’ birthdays, other important life events).
  7. Focus more on mutually satisfying relationships with friends (give and take, as opposed to us constantly giving).
  8. Devote more time to eating bread and cheese and other things that are not so good for me.
  9. Watch this regularly for a good laugh.
  10. Avoid making any more resolutions.

Welcome, 2014! Let’s treat each other well. OK?

Love,
Beth

* The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 14,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

 

 

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One last topical post

Posted in Politics, Religion (or lack thereof), tagged , , , , , , on December 24, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Dear Readers (if I have any left):

After radio silence for a month, I give you two posts in two days. What the what?! I know!

I woke up this morning singing that old chestnut “The 12 Days of Christmas” — with a twist. I realized this is the topical post I should have written yesterday:

(Apologies to English composer Frederic Austin)

By Christmas 2013, the media gave to me (sing with me now):

Robin’s boob obsession
Rob Ford’s flagrant crack use
Paula and the “N” word
Weiner’s wiener scandal
Miley Cyrus twerking
Obama’s website screwup
Baldwin’s use of THAT word

More Zimmerman (hold it out for emphasis)

Megyn Kelly’s misstep
The Duck dude’s homophobia
Kingston’s callous comment
And a dumbass on a British Air flight.

Now just try to get that song out of your head.

You’re welcome.
Beth

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