Thanks for taking me to “shoot the hooch.” I cannot believe I grew up in Atlanta and never did this before.**
I almost feel like I need to turn in my Southern girl card.
But not quite, as I adapted like a champ.
Ratty visor? Check.
Brewery coozies? Check.
Cooler filled with beer? Check.
Bungee cords to tie our tubes together? Check.
Bikini to get some sun (even though I know better)? Check.
The sun was hot. The beer and the water were cold.
It was a perfect day.
Perfect until I fell in, that is. (No, apparently I CAN’T reach your speaker carabiner.)
So there I was, dangling in the water, contemplating how best to get back in the tube when something touched my leg.
SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG.
My human brain knew it was just river weed.
My lizard brain lost it.
I started scream laughing. You started scream laughing. At me.
Here’s a dramatic re-enactment of me, slippery from sunscreen and still screeching, trying to get back into the innertube.
In addition to making sure to stay in the tube next time, we also will have to do a better job of tying you to the cooler float so you don’t end up in someone else’s pod, flouting social distancing expectations.
And it was then, 30 minutes in, that someone finally explained why religious folks would support Trump:
It’s not about four more years. It’s about 37 more years. It’s about two more Supreme Court justices who are pro-life, pro-Israel, freedom of religion and freedom of speech.
Without that, according to him, “We won’t have the freedoms we grew up with.”
“What freedoms are those?” I was wondering when the dude brought out his saxophone.
I’m not kidding.
Jentezen Franklin plays “America the Beautiful.” He didn’t follow with “Baker Street,” sadly.
I guess he didn’t want Cain to upstage him.
This was getting a talent show kind of vibe, so I was excited to see what Bishop Harry Jackson would do.
But he just promoted his new book and explained racism to a room of mostly white people. Y’all were polite, but unenthusiastic.
Bishop Harry Jackson didn’t show off his musical talents.
Interestingly, he was the first person to mention the president by name: 45 minutes into the event.
Pro-life: Just unborn babies, apparently
Pro-marriage: Only between a man and a woman
Pro-freedom: Religious freedom to discriminate
Pro-constitution: A Tea Party battle cry regarding the expansion of the federal government (maybe)
She talked about squash plants and chipmunks. I was a little confused. But then she said:
Some things never change. Some things do change. There was a change of the guard in 2016.
And then she said something about Planned Parenthood “ripping little babies up.”
I see. Abortion. That’s the main driver.
OK, then. Let me say this about that:
No one is hyped to get an abortion. It’s a last resort. Also, no one is “pro abortion.” So let’s agree on one thing: The goal is to reduce abortions. How do we do that?
As we’ve seen with prohibition and the “war on drugs,” making them illegal won’t work. People will find a way, but it makes it very dangerous for women. So to me, the solution is to put more money into sex education, healthcare and contraception.
If you are pro-life (and really, aren’t we all?) then you should be supporting organizations like Planned Parenthood that actively help women with the above needs.
Alright.
Moving on to the next speaker, Richard Lee, who is as orange as the evening’s celebrant: the Cheeto in Chief.
He didn’t address abortion like everyone else. His main beef seemed to be with what is being taught in school: “garbage.”
Oh, and the Antichrist in the form of Democrats.
The Democratic Party has been taken over by the Antichrist. It’s an evil party.
I thank God that he sent Donald J. Trump to us. He is a gift to the church of Jesus Christ.
As much as you seemed to like this statement, I could tell you were restless. He willfully went over his allotted time and joked about it.
You were ready for the final act: Pastor Paula White. I found out later she is married to Jonathan Cain. Ah. He’s her third husband. With overlaps in relationships. So she’s truly taking those commandments seriously.
I feel like Mother Nature with Heat Miser and Snow Miser.
I’ll explain.
They are old enough to handle Father’s Day on their own, but ignorant enough that I felt they needed reminders. And it had to be over text so you wouldn’t know.
But, as you know, they fought Friday night. As you also know, Gideon holds a grudge.
So this was the exchange yesterday:
Not only am I bothered by the unfortunate and consistent lack of punctuation and correct capitalization, I’m outraged at the fighting over text.
I know today ultimately will be a good day for you (I’ve got some things in reserve to make sure), but I wanted you to know what happened behind the scenes.
It doesn’t matter what your skin. It doesn’t matter where you’re from, Or your religion, you jump right in To the great American melting pot.
Yeah. A bit idealistic, no?
People are actively protesting because skin color DOES matter. (When people say, “I don’t see color,” my eyes nearly roll out of my head. Of course you see skin color just like you notice if someone has brown hair. The key is not attaching JUDGMENT.)
And immigration … well. It’s like people want to say, “That’s it: America is closed.”
I feel like storytelling via music could come in handy here.
I remember when I first truly understood the concept of white privilege. I had walked a couple of blocks in downtown Atlanta and overheard three separate conversations among black people where the subject was race.
I went home that night and asked Eddie if he thinks about being Hispanic on a regular basis. He said he did. He’s been pulled over and asked to prove he’s legal, for example. He’s Puerto Rican, FFS.
And that’s when it clicked: I rarely thought about being white. And that’s a privilege. Now, of course, I’m hyperaware.
Not everyone has that moment of clarity. So I think it’s time for some lessons in your trademark accessible way.
My son and I needed to get some fresh air, so we booked one of your efficiency cabins for two nights.
The reservation process was easy.
Getting into the actual cabin was not.
We stopped at the visitors center to check in. It was locked, but there were two signs on the door.
I called both numbers and had to leave messages. Messages!
I opened the app. Checked my reservation. Yep: Everything was in order.
We went to the cabin. Saw this:
Great idea, if only the code came with the confirmation email.
It did not.
Me to Gideon: Well, it’s 3:30, and check in is at 4. Maybe I’ll get the code when I check in on the app then. Gideon (skeptically): Maybe.
We went to the store to buy supplies. At 4, I checked in on the app.
Checked in — great! No door code — not great.
The beleaguered old man at the front gate when we returned was no help.
Just keep calling! You’re not the only one trying to check in.
We went back to the visitors center. Called the numbers. Left two more messages.
I was about to go FULL KAREN.
Suddenly, I see a Georgia State Parks official truck whizz by.
Gideon: Mama! Look! Me: I see it!
I take off in hot pursuit. And by “hot pursuit,” I mean 20 mph. The speed limit is 15.
The truck stops at the boathouse. A harassed woman gets out. Looks at me in surprise as I pull up behind her.
Me: We’re trying to get into our cottage and have been calling the numbers. Her: No one has time to answer the phone. Me: So how do we get in? Her: Knock on the back door of the visitors center. Me (gaping in shock): Ok. Thanks. Her: And slow down!
Back at the visitors center, we go around back. It’s clear that members of the public are not supposed to be back there.
Gideon knocks. We hear scuffling. The door opens a crack. A youngish blonde woman peers out like this is a damn speakeasy!
Center dweller: Yes? Me: We would like to check into our cabin. Her: One moment. (Shuts door.)
In a couple of minutes, she returns with a code written on a sticky note.
Me: Thank you. We’ve been trying to call. Her: Yeah, we’re not answering the phone. We’re doing inventory.
Inventory! WHY? When people are trying to check in?!
FFS.
Anyway.
The code works. The cottage is great. All is well.
The lake and grounds are beautiful. But your check-in process sucks.
Please get it together.
Thank you,
Beth, a Georgia resident and state park consumer
Some days, the only thing keeping me going, joy-wise, is AITA on Reddit via Twitter.
Lingo to know: AITA=Am I the Asshole? OP=Original Poster NTA=Not the Asshole YTA=You’re the Asshole TA=The Asshole (duh!) ESH=Everyone Sucks Here NAH=No Assholes Here INFO=Not Enough Information
I go for the posts and stay for the comments. (Hats off to @WholeManDispose EVERY TIME!)
Anyway, let’s play a Coronacation game.
Here’s a multiple-choice quiz based on recent submissions. One rule: Make your guesses before checking out the feed. Answers below.
1. An OP complained about his wife sticking her hands down her pants at the dinner table. What was she doing?
A. Fixing her underwear.
B. Trying to be sexy.
C. Checking to see if it was her time of the month.
2. Are any of these appropriate at the dinner table?
A. Yes, OP is TA.
B. No, OP is NTA.
3. In a post just two days later, a different OP complained about his girlfriend bleeding all over their sheets during her time of the month. Why did this happen?
A. She didn’t realize she could still have periods.
B. He refused to buy her sanitary products at the store.
C. She didn’t feel like getting up to get a pad.
4. An OP complained about her husband refusing to name their soon-to-be-born son a family name (first-born son tradition for more than 100 years) so she wouldn’t be disinherited. What was the name?
A. Adolph
B. Gaylord
C. Stacey
5. In No. 4, the community determined what?
A. OP is TA and will scar her child for life.
B. OP is NTA and family traditions are important. Also, money.
C. ESH.
6. There is a follow-up post to No. 4 from the OP regarding the impending divorce.*
A. True
B. False
7. An OP, a nurse who leaves the house to work, complained that her husband, a lawyer who works from home, didn’t help her 8-year-old son find his dog while she was at work. What was he doing?
A. Cheating on her.
B. Taking care of their six-month-old daughter.
C. Playing Xbox.
8. An OP is mad that his girlfriend didn’t do what during the pandemic?
A. Organize her bedroom just like his.
B. Text him back after he texted her 31 times.
C. Come live with him instead of her parents.
9. An OP asked if he is TA for secretly getting a paternity test on his son. Why?
A. OP is white and his wife is black. His son is darker than his daughter.
B. OP thinks his wife cheated on him.
C. OP had a vasectomy, so therefore knows B.
10. An OP wants to know if she is TA for telling her stepdaughter not to switch out the food for OP’s cat, Mango, for what?
A. Human food.
B. Generic dry cat food.
C. A vegan diet.
Bonus point!
11. An OP is bewildered that the community determined that he is TA for what behavior?
A. Trashing his son and daughter-in-law on Facebook for lying about going to the in-laws’ house for Mother’s Day.
B. Being such a jerk that his son felt he had to lie about his whereabouts.
C. Doubling down on his actions in the post after the community weighed in.
D. All of the above
But sometimes you have to go along with the group, and my group decided to give you another go.
We were supposed to go in June, but PANDEMIC. So we got a credit toward a future cruise.
On Tuesday, the group bat signal went up that it was TIME TO BOOK said cruise.
It is fairly easy to book a cruise (i.e., spend money) on your site.
You know what is not easy to do? ANYTHING ELSE.
Link reservations with the others in the group? No. I have to call.
See my credit? Nope. Call.
Use my credit? Hell no. Call.
Sigh.
So I called, and got the very snippy Miguel. Here’s how part of the conversation went down:
Me: I’d like to use the credit from my cancelled cruise. Miguel: I see that you spoke to a representative March 9 and were promised a credit. Me: Yes. Miguel: You want to use that credit toward the cruise you just booked. Me: Yes. Miguel: That credit has not been processed yet. Me: Not processed? It’s been two months. Miguel: Yes. I see that you called March 9. May I put you on a brief hold?
(Brief hold commences. Miguel returns.) Miguel: You will receive an email next week with a confirmation code for the credit. You will then need to call back to ask to have the credit applied. Me: So let me get this straight: I had to call to cancel to get a credit. Then call to get the credit processed. Then I have to CALL once I receive an EMAIL that my credit is ready so that I can have my credit applied. Miguel: Yes. Me: You know that’s insane, right? Miguel (at his snippy summit): This is our process.
The next step is to link reservations so that we can all sit together at dinner. Miguel is aghast that I would want something else from him. He informs me that both Sophia and Petra have to put in their reservation notes that they want to link with me, and I have to do the same.
MY GOD.
I text both Sophia and Petra about this situation. We are the ones in our families who HANDLE THINGS. So we are handling things like the Tracy Flicks we are. All three of us are on the phone independently with you, Royal Caribbean. It is NO WONDER the wait time to speak to a representative is so long.
Sophia goes FULL KAREN and asks to speak to a manager. I’m so glad she did.
Sophia’s method was so effective that I actually got a confirmation from her, Sophia, via text. Not from you, RC.
Ignore my dark humor. It’s how I cope.
Unbelievable.
So. We will see you in December, COVID willing. But I know I’ll be on the phone with you sooner.
Observe and report 
So many people who are TA. Join me to read/comment/marvel. @AITA_reddit #ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayTantrums
Posted in Advice, tagged Advice, AITA, Bright ideas, Comments, Complaints, Coronacation, Disorders, Family, Marriage, Media, Obsessions, Pandemic, Parenting, Peeves, Rage, Reddit, Twitter, White people on May 13, 2020| 3 Comments »
Hey Everybody!
Some days, the only thing keeping me going, joy-wise, is AITA on Reddit via Twitter.
Lingo to know:
AITA=Am I the Asshole?
OP=Original Poster
NTA=Not the Asshole
YTA=You’re the Asshole
TA=The Asshole (duh!)
ESH=Everyone Sucks Here
NAH=No Assholes Here
INFO=Not Enough Information
I go for the posts and stay for the comments. (Hats off to @WholeManDispose EVERY TIME!)
Anyway, let’s play a Coronacation game.
Here’s a multiple-choice quiz based on recent submissions. One rule: Make your guesses before checking out the feed. Answers below.
1. An OP complained about his wife sticking her hands down her pants at the dinner table. What was she doing?
A. Fixing her underwear.
B. Trying to be sexy.
C. Checking to see if it was her time of the month.
2. Are any of these appropriate at the dinner table?
A. Yes, OP is TA.
B. No, OP is NTA.
3. In a post just two days later, a different OP complained about his girlfriend bleeding all over their sheets during her time of the month. Why did this happen?
A. She didn’t realize she could still have periods.
B. He refused to buy her sanitary products at the store.
C. She didn’t feel like getting up to get a pad.
4. An OP complained about her husband refusing to name their soon-to-be-born son a family name (first-born son tradition for more than 100 years) so she wouldn’t be disinherited. What was the name?
A. Adolph
B. Gaylord
C. Stacey
5. In No. 4, the community determined what?
A. OP is TA and will scar her child for life.
B. OP is NTA and family traditions are important. Also, money.
C. ESH.
6. There is a follow-up post to No. 4 from the OP regarding the impending divorce.*
A. True
B. False
7. An OP, a nurse who leaves the house to work, complained that her husband, a lawyer who works from home, didn’t help her 8-year-old son find his dog while she was at work. What was he doing?
A. Cheating on her.
B. Taking care of their six-month-old daughter.
C. Playing Xbox.
8. An OP is mad that his girlfriend didn’t do what during the pandemic?
A. Organize her bedroom just like his.
B. Text him back after he texted her 31 times.
C. Come live with him instead of her parents.
9. An OP asked if he is TA for secretly getting a paternity test on his son. Why?
A. OP is white and his wife is black. His son is darker than his daughter.
B. OP thinks his wife cheated on him.
C. OP had a vasectomy, so therefore knows B.
10. An OP wants to know if she is TA for telling her stepdaughter not to switch out the food for OP’s cat, Mango, for what?
A. Human food.
B. Generic dry cat food.
C. A vegan diet.
Bonus point!
11. An OP is bewildered that the community determined that he is TA for what behavior?
A. Trashing his son and daughter-in-law on Facebook for lying about going to the in-laws’ house for Mother’s Day.
B. Being such a jerk that his son felt he had to lie about his whereabouts.
C. Doubling down on his actions in the post after the community weighed in.
D. All of the above
Answers:
1-C
2-B
3-C
4-B
5-A
6-A
7-C
8-A
9-A
10-C
11-D
* An update to the update: OP now claims it was all made up. Eh. Who cares? We’re all bored.
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