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Posts Tagged ‘Bright ideas’

My baby now can drive my car* #WednesdayWorrying

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , on September 2, 2020| 8 Comments »

Dear Parents of Teenaged Boys:

How did you live through the learning-to-drive phase?

Dominic now has his learner’s permit.

This was not an easy process, but I bet it pales in comparison to actually teaching him to drive.

He was supposed to go get his learner’s permit weeks ago. We made an appointment. He filled out the application. We got the appropriate letter from his school. I sent him the link to the manual and the sample tests.

We got in the car to go to the DMV.

Him (looking at his phone): What is this sign? (Shows me the following image on his phone)

Me: It’s a warning sign. Why?
Him (still looking at his phone): The line down the middle of the road is black, red, yellow or white?
Me: Look, you have to answer these questions yourself. First, I’m driving right now. Second, you should have studied the manual!
Him: Where did you say that manual was?
Me (head exploding): You are kidding, right?
Him: I didn’t think it would be hard.
Me: It’s going to be hard if you didn’t look at the manual.
Him: I think we are going to have to cancel the appointment.
Me (steam escaping my ears): Yeah, I guess so.

So we made a new appointment. He promised to study the manual this time.

On the way to the new appointment, we had the following conversation.

Him: I’ve been doing well on the practice tests. This guy said he failed the test 17 times. He finally passed after taking the test three times in one day. His advice is to read the manual.
Me: Well, duh.
Him: (Silence)
Me: You did read the manual, right?
Him: I’m reading it now.
Me: (Nearly crashes the car from shock and blind rage)

Y’all, I’ll be honest: I did not have high hopes for a successful outcome.

We got there, showed proof that he filled out the application and got our temperatures taken.

After loads of paperwork, he was off to take the test.

While I was waiting, I realized my license expires at the end of this year. So I renewed it while I was there. Bonus!

As I was doing that, Dominic ambled over.

Him: I passed!
Me: Really?! That’s GREAT!
Him: It was really easy. In fact, some of the stuff I studied in the car was on the test.
Me (rolling my eyes): You got so lucky.

On the way home, he called his father to tell him the news. No answer. He called his brother.

Him: I passed
Gideon: You passed?
Him: I passed my learner’s permit test.
Gideon: Oh. Nice.

They hang up.

Me: He was so … what’s the word I’m looking for?
Him: Unenthusiastic.
Me: Yes.

We had a good laugh.

I pulled over when I was nearly home and let him drive the rest of the way. He did a good job. He even praised me for my patience (!).

Today, we had to pick up his yearbook from the high school. I let him drive. On Peachtree. Anyone who knows Atlanta knows that’s like letting him drive on a NASCAR track. (Not as bad as I-285, but bad.)

I’ll be drinking loads tonight. And I’ll be thankful to be alive.

I swear he took a turn on two wheels.

He didn’t change lanes quickly and drove in the middle of the road for a bit.

He couldn’t figure out how to work the turn signal. (I mean, he’s not alone. Veteran drivers can’t seem to figure that one out.)

So how did you do it?

Any tricks or tips you want to share?

I’m all ears. (And white knuckles.)

Thanks,
Beth

*Thanks, John, Paul, George and Ringo. This tune is now stuck in my head.

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To Helen back 😉#ThursdayThoughts #TravelThursday

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2020| 2 Comments »

Dear Gideon:

It’s true that Dominic is more like me when it comes to wit and personality, but you and I are more alike in terms of things we like to do.

For example, we share a love of the outdoors and a certain level of redneckery.

Thank you for going with me on one last state park trip before “school” (such as it is during COVID times) begins Monday.

The trip had everything we needed:

  • An adorable cabin
  • An adorable cabin that had a kitchen (Mama doesn’t play with cook stoves.)
  • An adorable cabin that had a kitchen and a proper bed (Mama is too old to be in a sleeping bag with tree roots digging into her spine.)
  • Fred’s “Famous” Boiled Peanuts just down the road apiece
  • River tubing
  • Hiking trails
  • A waterfall
  • A lake on which we could kayak
  • A town that tries its best to be the Bavaria of the South
  • Moon pies in a medley of flavors
  • Outdoor dining where we could load up on loaded tater tots (and feel our arteries leaden)

The trip also had things we didn’t need:

  • People without masks
  • Pickled pigs’ feet
  • A ridiculously tight valve on the kayak that made it nearly impossible to deflate (Luckily, Mama can charm passing fellow rednecks.)
  • The loaded tots (Seriously.)

It’s funny to me your brother was bent out of shape and jealous when we got back. I invited him. He didn’t want to go. As usual.

Dominic: I thought you were just going for a day. I didn’t know it was an overnight trip.
Me: You didn’t listen. I tried to tell you about the cool cabin, but you weren’t having it.

Anyway, I enjoyed spitting cherry pits off the balcony with you while we listened to Alan Jackson (in true redneck fashion).

I hope you’ll do things like this with your kids if you ever have them. Or at least remember these times when I’m old(er) and (more) decrepit and unable to haul a deflated kayak up and down a hill.

Love,
Mama

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Way down yonder on the Chattahoochee* #SundayStories

Posted in Friends, tagged , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2020| 5 Comments »

Dear Kalen,

Thanks for taking me to “shoot the hooch.” I cannot believe I grew up in Atlanta and never did this before.**

I almost feel like I need to turn in my Southern girl card.

But not quite, as I adapted like a champ.

Ratty visor? Check.
Brewery coozies? Check.
Cooler filled with beer? Check.
Bungee cords to tie our tubes together? Check.
Bikini to get some sun (even though I know better)? Check.

The sun was hot. The beer and the water were cold.

It was a perfect day.

Perfect until I fell in, that is. (No, apparently I CAN’T reach your speaker carabiner.)

So there I was, dangling in the water, contemplating how best to get back in the tube when something touched my leg.

SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG.

My human brain knew it was just river weed.

My lizard brain lost it.

I started scream laughing. You started scream laughing. At me.

Here’s a dramatic re-enactment of me, slippery from sunscreen and still screeching, trying to get back into the innertube.

In addition to making sure to stay in the tube next time, we also will have to do a better job of tying you to the cooler float so you don’t end up in someone else’s pod, flouting social distancing expectations.

Thanks for the adventure. Let’s do it again soon!

Love and ‘hoochee kisses,
Beth

* Thank you, Alan Jackson.

** Edit: A friend reminded me I DID shoot the hooch. In college. While completely trashed. So that doesn’t count, as I don’t remember.

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I poured myself into a “praise, prayer and patriotism” Petri dish #SundayStories

Posted in Politics, Religion (or lack thereof), tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Dear Evangelicals for Trump:

I infiltrated your ranks Thursday night, against my own best interests and Eddie’s wishes.

We were both afraid it would be shoulder to shoulder with no masks in sight.

We were wrong.

The hotel employed social distancing efforts, and nearly everyone was wearing a mask. At first.

I didn’t take any chances. I double masked — with a twist.

My mask says “But her emails.” Heh heh.

To be honest, I’m surprised I didn’t burst into flames upon arrival.

Let’s just say you’re not my usual crowd.

And I did find it very funny that I followed a car with the custom license plate “SAVED” into the parking garage.

So why did I go?

Because I genuinely wanted to know how people who follow the Bible can also follow Trump.

I was raised Presbyterian. I know scripture. And nowhere does it say:

And if thou wanteth the p—-, thou shalt grabbeth the p—-. And thy womenfolk will submit, for it is good.

Anyway, the crowd warmer was a gospel couple. Lovely, but not exactly sing-along style. Not for me, anyway, because, you know, HEATHEN.

The emcee for the night welcomed the crowd, then introduced Jonathan Cain.

The Jonathan Cain from Journey.

And my inner voice (in the voice of Daveed Diggs) said, “Whaaaaat?!”

Apparently, he’s got a new single to promote.

 

I don’t know what you thought of “More Like Jesus.” In my humble opinion, it’s no “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and he’s no Steve Perry, vocally.

(In other words, it’s not a banger.)

Next up was Jentezen Franklin, a “trusted voice for our president.”

And it was then, 30 minutes in, that someone finally explained why religious folks would support Trump:

It’s not about four more years. It’s about 37 more years. It’s about two more Supreme Court justices who are pro-life, pro-Israel, freedom of religion and freedom of speech.

Without that, according to him, “We won’t have the freedoms we grew up with.”

“What freedoms are those?” I was wondering when the dude brought out his saxophone.

I’m not kidding.

Jentezen Franklin plays “America the Beautiful.” He didn’t follow with “Baker Street,” sadly.

I guess he didn’t want Cain to upstage him.

This was getting a talent show kind of vibe, so I was excited to see what Bishop Harry Jackson would do.

But he just promoted his new book and explained racism to a room of mostly white people. Y’all were polite, but unenthusiastic.

Bishop Harry Jackson didn’t show off his musical talents.

Interestingly, he was the first person to mention the president by name: 45 minutes into the event.

Ralph Reed, the next speaker, alluded to why.

Donald Trump with his imperfect past and with his personality … God chooses to use whoever he chooses to use.

Ah. Gotcha.

God and Jesus are the headliners; Trump is support.

Y’all seemed to love Ralph, even though he didn’t do anything music-related either.

He emphasized that you need to support Trump because he is:

Pro-life
Pro-marriage
Pro-freedom
Pro-constitution

Reed claimed Trump is “the most pro-life president in American History.”

Imma let you finish but first, let me remind you of his response to the ongoing pandemic.

In fact, let’s back up. I can’t help it.

Pro-life: Just unborn babies, apparently
Pro-marriage: Only between a man and a woman
Pro-freedom: Religious freedom to discriminate
Pro-constitution: A Tea Party battle cry regarding the expansion of the federal government (maybe)

OK. I’m done for the moment. Go on.

Next up: Alveda King, niece of MLK Jr.

She talked about squash plants and chipmunks. I was a little confused. But then she said:

Some things never change. Some things do change. There was a change of the guard in 2016.

And then she said something about Planned Parenthood “ripping little babies up.”

I see. Abortion. That’s the main driver.

OK, then. Let me say this about that:

No one is hyped to get an abortion. It’s a last resort. Also, no one is “pro abortion.” So let’s agree on one thing: The goal is to reduce abortions. How do we do that?

As we’ve seen with prohibition and the “war on drugs,” making them illegal won’t work. People will find a way, but it makes it very dangerous for women. So to me, the solution is to put more money into sex education, healthcare and contraception.

If you are pro-life (and really, aren’t we all?) then you should be supporting organizations like Planned Parenthood that actively help women with the above needs.

Alright.

Moving on to the next speaker, Richard Lee, who is as orange as the evening’s celebrant: the Cheeto in Chief.

He didn’t address abortion like everyone else. His main beef seemed to be with what is being taught in school: “garbage.”

Oh, and the Antichrist in the form of Democrats.

The Democratic Party has been taken over by the Antichrist. It’s an evil party.

I thank God that he sent Donald J. Trump to us. He is a gift to the church of Jesus Christ.

As much as you seemed to like this statement, I could tell you were restless. He willfully went over his allotted time and joked about it.

You were ready for the final act: Pastor Paula White. I found out later she is married to Jonathan Cain. Ah. He’s her third husband. With overlaps in relationships. So she’s truly taking those commandments seriously.

(🙄)

I mean, good for her for breaking into a man’s world in all respects.

In 2017, she became the first woman to deliver the invocation at a presidential inauguration.

She spent her time this night trying to convince everyone that Trump really is “godly” and “knows his scripture.”

Sure.

All I know is that I was hot in my two masks (and perhaps because of the fire and brimstone), so I slunk out a side door.

Y’all weren’t hot because all but about 12 of you shed your masks mere moments into the event.

(And that made me feel like I was marinating in the ‘Rona.)

Anyway, thanks for letting me bear witness. And now I’m on the Trump Train mailing list! This should be fun.

Your obedient servant friend,
Beth

Yeah. You know how I feel about bashing the news media.

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Testing 1, 2, 3 #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2020| 3 Comments »

Dear Coronavirus:

You’ve affected every aspect of my life and the lives of others, but I guess we won’t be meeting in person. At least not right now.

I was sure we had a date. You remember.

So I submitted myself to your truly heinous screening process:

I drove through a tent where people in hazmat suits stuck a stick up my nose, carved out some of my brain, and tried to pop out my eye from the back.

This could be me if the woman had a death grip on the steering wheel.

That’s how it felt.

They said they’d let me know if you were ready for me.

But to borrow from and butcher the work of Randy Travis:

Since my email still ain’t pinging,
I assume it still ain’t you.

And that’s really for the best. All your exes say you aren’t fun.

Kthanksbye,
Beth

UPDATE (July 5 at 7:51 p.m.): I finally got an email. Negative, as I suspected. But peace of mind is everything!

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Six feet of distance at Six Flags #TuesdayTip

Posted in Advice, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2020| 2 Comments »

Dear Folks Who Are Wondering What It’s Like To Go To A Theme Park That Just Reopened:

It’s weird. Every bit of it is weird.

As indicated in my last post, we took Eddie to Six Flags for Father’s Day. “We” meaning “Gideon and I” because Dominic didn’t get off work.

🙄

Anyway, I had to make a reservation for us to go. That’s new.

Also new:

· Hand-washing stations outside the entrance

· Temperature scans on the way in (not sure that helps if people are asymptomatic, but ok)

· The requirement for everyone to wear a mask at all times

· Social distancing in the queue

· Social distancing on the rides themselves

· Having to scream/laugh through a mask (but that might just be my problem)

· Hand sanitizer everywhere

So yeah, plenty of changes.

There are some things that haven’t changed:

· Crappy attitudes of the teenaged staff

· Skin-boiling heat with no shade in sight

· Unappetizing food such as a burger with the bun literally dripping butter

· The potential for ride malfunction

Here are the mechanics working on the ride we just exited — the one we were stuck on for 15 minutes.

So it was different, but not so much so that I would stay away. We have to get our membership money’s worth!

Yours in thrills,
Beth

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There will be fighting: Father’s Day edition #SundayStories #FathersDay

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Dear Eddie,

Happy Father’s Day! Yeah, you aren’t my daddy (gross), but you are my baby daddy.

You helped me make these two:

But let me tell you: They challenge me. Regularly.

You know my favorite Christmas special? Let me help you: It’s “The Year Without a Santa Claus.”

I feel like Mother Nature with Heat Miser and Snow Miser.

I’ll explain.

They are old enough to handle Father’s Day on their own, but ignorant enough that I felt they needed reminders. And it had to be over text so you wouldn’t know.

But, as you know, they fought Friday night. As you also know, Gideon holds a grudge.

So this was the exchange yesterday:

Not only am I bothered by the unfortunate and consistent lack of punctuation and correct capitalization, I’m outraged at the fighting over text.

I know today ultimately will be a good day for you (I’ve got some things in reserve to make sure), but I wanted you to know what happened behind the scenes.

We still made it snow in Southtown.

Love,
Mother Nature (aka Yo’ Baby Mama)

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A request to be schooled by rock #WednesdayWisdom

Posted in Music, Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2020| 3 Comments »

Dear Schoolhouse Rock creators/artists/writers/musicians:

I grew up with your catchy songs that aid learning. (For Millennials and GenZ, it’s like the 1970s version of “Hamilton.”)

It should be no surprise that I’m partial to the grammar ones:

I mean, just TRY to get those out of your head.

I’ve been thinking about one in specific lately: The Great American Melting Pot.

And, even more specifically, these lyrics:

It doesn’t matter what your skin.
It doesn’t matter where you’re from,
Or your religion, you jump right in
To the great American melting pot.

Yeah. A bit idealistic, no?

People are actively protesting because skin color DOES matter. (When people say, “I don’t see color,” my eyes nearly roll out of my head. Of course you see skin color just like you notice if someone has brown hair. The key is not attaching JUDGMENT.)

And immigration … well. It’s like people want to say, “That’s it: America is closed.”

Don’t even get me started on religious bias.

So. I’m writing this because I’d really love a revival where you tackle thorny issues such as redlining, Jim Crow laws, Operation Mockingbird, First Amendment rights, white privilege, etc.

I feel like storytelling via music could come in handy here.

I remember when I first truly understood the concept of white privilege. I had walked a couple of blocks in downtown Atlanta and overheard three separate conversations among black people where the subject was race.

I went home that night and asked Eddie if he thinks about being Hispanic on a regular basis. He said he did. He’s been pulled over and asked to prove he’s legal, for example. He’s Puerto Rican, FFS.

And that’s when it clicked: I rarely thought about being white. And that’s a privilege. Now, of course, I’m hyperaware.

Not everyone has that moment of clarity. So I think it’s time for some lessons in your trademark accessible way.

Can you help?

Thank you for your consideration,
Beth

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Don’t make me angry; you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry (i.e., Karen mode) #WednesdayWisdom

Posted in Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2020| 2 Comments »

Dear Vogel State Park Employees:

My son and I needed to get some fresh air, so we booked one of your efficiency cabins for two nights.

The reservation process was easy.

Getting into the actual cabin was not.

We stopped at the visitors center to check in. It was locked, but there were two signs on the door.

I called both numbers and had to leave messages. Messages!

I opened the app. Checked my reservation. Yep: Everything was in order.

We went to the cabin. Saw this:

Great idea, if only the code came with the confirmation email.

It did not.

Me to Gideon: Well, it’s 3:30, and check in is at 4. Maybe I’ll get the code when I check in on the app then.
Gideon (skeptically): Maybe.

We went to the store to buy supplies. At 4, I checked in on the app.

Checked in — great! No door code — not great.

The beleaguered old man at the front gate when we returned was no help.

Just keep calling! You’re not the only one trying to check in.

We went back to the visitors center. Called the numbers. Left two more messages.

I was about to go FULL KAREN.

Suddenly, I see a Georgia State Parks official truck whizz by.

Gideon: Mama! Look!
Me: I see it!

I take off in hot pursuit. And by “hot pursuit,” I mean 20 mph. The speed limit is 15.

The truck stops at the boathouse. A harassed woman gets out. Looks at me in surprise as I pull up behind her.

Me: We’re trying to get into our cottage and have been calling the numbers.
Her: No one has time to answer the phone.
Me: So how do we get in?
Her: Knock on the back door of the visitors center.
Me (gaping in shock): Ok. Thanks.
Her: And slow down!

Back at the visitors center, we go around back. It’s clear that members of the public are not supposed to be back there.

Gideon knocks. We hear scuffling. The door opens a crack. A youngish blonde woman peers out like this is a damn speakeasy!

Center dweller: Yes?
Me: We would like to check into our cabin.
Her: One moment. (Shuts door.)

In a couple of minutes, she returns with a code written on a sticky note.

Me: Thank you. We’ve been trying to call.
Her: Yeah, we’re not answering the phone. We’re doing inventory.

Inventory! WHY? When people are trying to check in?!

FFS.

Anyway.

The code works. The cottage is great. All is well.

The lake and grounds are beautiful. But your check-in process sucks.

Please get it together.

Thank you,
Beth, a Georgia resident and state park consumer

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So many people who are TA. Join me to read/comment/marvel. @AITA_reddit #ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayTantrums

Posted in Advice, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2020| 3 Comments »

Hey Everybody!

Some days, the only thing keeping me going, joy-wise, is AITA on Reddit via Twitter.

Lingo to know:
AITA=Am I the Asshole?
OP=Original Poster
NTA=Not the Asshole
YTA=You’re the Asshole
TA=The Asshole (duh!)
ESH=Everyone Sucks Here
NAH=No Assholes Here
INFO=Not Enough Information

I go for the posts and stay for the comments. (Hats off to @WholeManDispose EVERY TIME!)

Anyway, let’s play a Coronacation game.

Here’s a multiple-choice quiz based on recent submissions. One rule: Make your guesses before checking out the feed. Answers below.

1. An OP complained about his wife sticking her hands down her pants at the dinner table. What was she doing?
A. Fixing her underwear.
B. Trying to be sexy.
C. Checking to see if it was her time of the month.

2. Are any of these appropriate at the dinner table?
A. Yes, OP is TA.
B. No, OP is NTA.

3. In a post just two days later, a different OP complained about his girlfriend bleeding all over their sheets during her time of the month. Why did this happen?
A. She didn’t realize she could still have periods.
B. He refused to buy her sanitary products at the store.
C. She didn’t feel like getting up to get a pad.

4. An OP complained about her husband refusing to name their soon-to-be-born son a family name (first-born son tradition for more than 100 years) so she wouldn’t be disinherited. What was the name?
A. Adolph
B. Gaylord
C. Stacey

5. In No. 4, the community determined what?
A. OP is TA and will scar her child for life.
B. OP is NTA and family traditions are important. Also, money.
C. ESH.

6. There is a follow-up post to No. 4 from the OP regarding the impending divorce.*
A. True
B. False

7. An OP, a nurse who leaves the house to work, complained that her husband, a lawyer who works from home, didn’t help her 8-year-old son find his dog while she was at work. What was he doing?
A. Cheating on her.
B. Taking care of their six-month-old daughter.
C. Playing Xbox.

8. An OP is mad that his girlfriend didn’t do what during the pandemic?
A. Organize her bedroom just like his.
B. Text him back after he texted her 31 times.
C. Come live with him instead of her parents.

9. An OP asked if he is TA for secretly getting a paternity test on his son. Why?
A. OP is white and his wife is black. His son is darker than his daughter.
B. OP thinks his wife cheated on him.
C. OP had a vasectomy, so therefore knows B.

10. An OP wants to know if she is TA for telling her stepdaughter not to switch out the food for OP’s cat, Mango, for what?
A. Human food.
B. Generic dry cat food.
C. A vegan diet.

Bonus point!
11. An OP is bewildered that the community determined that he is TA for what behavior?
A. Trashing his son and daughter-in-law on Facebook for lying about going to the in-laws’ house for Mother’s Day.
B. Being such a jerk that his son felt he had to lie about his whereabouts.
C. Doubling down on his actions in the post after the community weighed in.
D. All of the above

 

Answers:
1-C
2-B
3-C
4-B
5-A
6-A
7-C
8-A
9-A
10-C
11-D

* An update to the update: OP now claims it was all made up. Eh. Who cares? We’re all bored.
 

 

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