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Posts Tagged ‘Peeves’

Mainsail missing some mainstays

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on July 2, 2012| 1 Comment »

Dear Mr. Garrigan:

You seem sincere in your request for feedback about my recent stay at Mainsail Suites Hotel & Conference Center in Tampa. Your title of “performance and quality assurance manager” indicates that Mainsail in general is interested in enhancing the guest experience.

I’ve taken the survey, but I want to give you more information. I realize that what I’m about to talk about is a collection of First World problems, and I’m a little embarrassed to be complaining in general.

But you asked, so here goes:

1. If the suite sleeps 10, then you should equip the kitchen with enough utensils to allow all 10 to eat at the same time. Three bowls, three small plates, four forks and one steak knife doesn’t cut it. There were seven of us. We had to feed the kids, wash the bowls, then feed ourselves, with one of us eating out of a mixing bowl.

2. Continuing with the topic of kitchen equipment, there were no spoons, potholders, dishtowels or sponges. There wasn’t a working can opener, a spatula or a ladle. How are people supposed to cook without these things?

3. If the suite sleeps 10, and you know that we have seven people in the suite, you should provide enough towels for all of these people (especially as I asked for extra towels when I made the reservation). How can you think four bath towels, two hand towels and one washcloth is enough for seven people?

4. If the guest calls and asks for more towels, you should bring them. We called twice for more towels with no response. It took a trip to the front desk and a housekeeper APB to finally get more the first day. On the second day, despite numerous phone calls, we remained towel-less and damp.

5. If you are proud enough to advertise that you have plasma TVs in the living rooms, then you should make sure they work. It shouldn’t take five phone calls to the front desk to get the TV working.

6. If you advertise that you offer free Internet, people assume it is wireless. Who uses an Ethernet cable anymore? Don’t you realize that many people use iPhones, iPads, MacBook Airs, etc., that do not have an Ethernet port?

7. Chances are good that people who are staying in a hotel are on vacation. While on vacation, people generally like to sleep in. Therefore, 6:30 a.m. is really too early to mow the lawn. Leaf blowing is certainly out of the question.

If it really is a “pleasure to serve,” then please make the guests happy by addressing the above issues.

Not likely to return to your establishment,
Beth

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A snarky screed to Sorkin

Posted in Politics, Random, tagged , , , , on June 27, 2012| 6 Comments »

Dear Aaron Sorkin:

You’ve had an impressive and envy-inspiring career so far, writing hits such as “Moneyball,” “A Few Good Men,” “The West Wing” and “Sports Night” and winning accolades and awards.

So why so angry?

At 51 years old, you are much too young to turn into an Andy Rooney-style curmudgeon. I’ve read that your new show, “The Newsroom,” is yet another opportunity you’ve seized to Set the People Straight. I apologize: I haven’t seen it yet.

I share your concern about the state of journalism today, but you and I clearly differ as to whether the Internet is a good or bad thing. Here’s what you told the Atlantic Wire last year:

The upside of web-based journalism is that everybody gets a chance. The downside is that everybody gets a chance. I can’t really get on board with the demonization of credentials with phrases like “the media elite” (just like doctors, airline pilots and presidents, I prefer reporters and commentators to be elite) and the glamorization of inexperience with phrases like ‘citizen journalist.’ …As the saying goes, the problem with free speech is that you get what you pay for.

You are aware that journalists are not technically credentialed, right? There’s no test, no overseeing board, no gated membership area. Somebody just has to be willing to give you a job.

Before the Internet, opportunities were few. Cities were lucky to have one daily paper, one weekly paper, and a couple of television stations. There wasn’t too much turnover.

But now, thanks to the Internet, there are many Web-only publishers. And the great thing is that they are not under corporate control like the “elite media” to which you refer.

I don’t know if you can handle the truth, but the truth is that more voices means that we have a better handle on truth in general — if we as consumers are willing to read and listen to a variety of voices and do some critical thinking. Yes, whiffs of Chomsky right here.

But you have a problem with that:

One of the things I find troubling about the Internet, as great a resource tool as it is, and as nice as it is that we can all communicate with each other, and that everybody has a voice – the thing is, everybody’s voice oughtn’t be equal.

Oh Aaron. Such an elitist. It is ironic that the person who won an Oscar for writing “The Social Network” and is writing a biopic of Steve Jobs could feel this way.

You reserve special hatred for bloggers, even mistaking print reporters for a bloggers.

Ugh. I’m a blogger, Aaron. I also subscribe to numerous newspapers and magazines, watch TV, go to movies, read books (both print and electronic versions)*, and I have a Ph.D. (And I’m sticking out my tongue at you in a very educated and mature way.)

Look, Aaron, the Internet is not going away. So let’s trim those eyebrows and put away the shaking fist. Don’t you have work to do?

Stop biting the hand that feeds you,
Beth

* Although I am a little embarrassed about what I read last.

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“Fifty Shades” of green

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on June 22, 2012| 2 Comments »

Dear EL James:

Congratulations on the success of the “Fifty Shades” trilogy! You’ve come a long way since writing fan fiction about Bella and Edward. Your meteoric rise to the top of the best sellers list is an inspiration to many writers.

With all the hoopla surrounding your work, you would think so-called “mommy porn” is something new. But romance novels have been around in some form since the 1700s. Bodice-rippers such as Fabio enjoyed a boom in the 1980s, so maybe this is just a second wave featuring short-haired, yoga-toned guys.

I know you are in the middle of a book tour, so I won’t keep you. I just want to ask a small favor: When writing your next book, please avoid overusing the following phrases that make “Fifty Shades” hard to bear:

  • “Mean machine” (a reference to the protagonist’s computer)
  • “Shades of … ” (fill in the blank)
  • “Lips quirk up”
  • “Bit her lip”
  • “Cocks his head to one side”
  • “Lips press into a line”
  • “Blazing grey eyes”
  • “Hooded eyes”
  • “Peeks up at him”
  • “Inner goddess”

Additionally, we readers are willing to suspend our disbelief, but “Fifty Shades” is really more than we can bear. (For example, after her lover buys her publishing house employer then beats and fires her boss, Ana is magically promoted — without lover’s intervention — from lowly assistant who gets coffee to the position of editor. After being on the job one week. Right.)

This is a perfect review on Amazon of the whole setup:

About half way through the book, I looked up the author to see if she was a teenager. I really did because the characters are out of a 16 year old’s fantasy. The main male character is a billionaire (not a millionaire but a billionaire) who speaks fluent French, is basically a concert level pianist, is a fully trained pilot, is athletic, drop dead gorgeous, tall, built perfectly with an enormous penis, and the best lover on the planet. In addition, he’s not only self made but is using his money to combat world hunger. Oh yeah, and all of this at the ripe old age of 26! And on top of that, he’s never working. Every second is spent having sex or texting and emailing the female character. His billions seem to have just come about by magic. It seriously feels like 2 teenage girls got together and decided to create their “dream man” and came up with Christian Grey.

It’s not a good sign when even the sex scenes get old. (An orgasm every time? Even from him just saying her name. Riiiight.)

But you know what? I forked over $29.99 for the trilogy, and I’m not alone. Clearly none of the above matters. I’m not going to be a hater — good for you! Now I know the bar is set low enough that I can write my own raunch and make some cash.

Soon-to-be sisters in spreader bar scrawls,
Beth

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The wild? Are you nuts?

Posted in Random, tagged , , on June 19, 2012| 2 Comments »

Captain’s Log: Embarking into hostile environment. Kowalski! We’ll need to win the hearts and the minds of the natives. Rico! We’ll need special tactical equipment. We’re gonna face extreme peril. Private probably won’t survive.

Dear unemployed graduate of the university for which I work:

Congratulations on your achievement one month/one year/three years/10 years (choose one) ago! It is impressive that you were able to get through two years/four years/five years/eight years (choose one) of a degree program designed to help you earn a career, make money, and permanently move out of your old bedroom in your parents’ house.

(If you had a job and were laid off, you can stop reading. This post isn’t for you. It is for the never-employed graduate. Unless, of course, you need a tough-love pep talk. In that case, read on.)

By now, you might be blaming the university for the fact that you don’t yet have a job. Don’t. Let’s consider a few things that might be standing in your way:

1. You don’t have any experience.
A degree in your field is a wonderful thing, but it doesn’t tell potential employers that you can actually do the work. You know what does tell them that? Work experience. No one should leave college without doing at least one internship. No internship? Do freelance work.

2. You haven’t been sending out enough (or any) letters, emails, résumés, etc.
You have to find the job; the job is not going to find you. You have to meet people, talk to people, write to people. You know, “network.” Put yourself out there. Ask professors for contacts. Go to conferences. Attend events in your field. Go to alumni meetings. Contact alumni in your field and ask for advice. Finding a job is a full-time job. Set hours. Get dressed for work. Work those set hours toward your goal. Then change into sweats, eat chips and watch “Game of Thrones.”

3. You have unreasonable expectations.
Your first job out of college is not likely to be your dream job. It likely will be an entry-level job that does not pay very much. Suck it up. Learn everything you can. Do extra work. Meet new people. Ask for advice. See No. 2. Condé Nast Traveler is not going give you a plum writing job right out of the gate, but you might get a position as assistant to the assistant to the marketing coordinator. All you need is a foot in the door. If you are competent, personable and motivated, you can work your way around. Everyone has to start somewhere.

4. You have a bad attitude.
Only one person is standing in the way of you finding a job. Go to a mirror. Look in it. That’s right. You have to do the work to find a job and have the right attitude while doing it. You want to complain about how hard it is? Do it in a private conversation with your mom. Show that you have the right work ethic by proofreading your résumé and cover letter, deleting those party photos from your Facebook page, and having a positive and professional public attitude at all times. Nobody wants to hire a drunk, lazy whiner. (And Facebook is public, people.) Talk the talk and walk the walk.

5. You blame the economy, the university, your parents, your professors, etc.
Reread the first part of No. 4. You earned an education. Your professors taught you everything they could within the university’s structure. If you were too busy sleeping through your 8 a.m. class, drinking whiskey with your roommates, bitching about how picky a professor is about grammar, etc., to pay attention in all your classes, it is a moot point now. You are a great white shark: If you don’t keep swimming forward, you will die. Live in the moment. And at this moment, you need to start researching companies, finding job openings, networking, submitting your résumé, and so on.

The world does not owe you a job. So go out there and take one from some other sad sack who does not have his/her act together like you do. Er … like you will. In the words of Aibileen, “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

Go get ’em, Tiger!

 

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Amercia the Beautiful

Posted in Grammar, etc., Politics, tagged , , , , , , on June 15, 2012| 6 Comments »

Dear Mitt,

I don’t like you. I’m sorry, but there it is. It isn’t your politics, though I do think you are a heartless, moneygrubbing scumbag who hates immigrants and women. (Or maybe that’s just an illusion created by the so-called liberal media. And your staff. And wife.)

As I’ve mentioned in my blog, it makes me sad that Republicans had four years to come up with a good candidate and you turned out to be the best they can offer. And that’s after beating out gems such as Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

But in addition to all the other reasons I have not to like you, I have one more: You can’t spell.

Look, you can blame your staff, or lack thereof. I know you are searching for a copywriter. It doesn’t matter to me. You want to be in charge, so you have to take responsibility for every part of your campaign — especially when you want to make education a big part of your platform.

Just so you know, I’m not happy with Obama either. He’s had spelling errors too. But at least he doesn’t remind me of a used-car salesman. (And he treats his dog better.)

Able to spell and vote,
Beth

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Letter to a flasher

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on May 31, 2012| 14 Comments »

Dear Girl in Micro Skirt Going Up the Stairs Ahead of Me,

What I have seen I cannot unsee. I can now definitively state that you are a girl. I did not really need to know this for sure.

I worry that you don’t have a mirror. Even if you don’t have a mirror, you should have been able to feel the gentle breeze wafting over your lady bits as you climbed the stairs.

Are you truly unaware of your exposure? Or is this a calculated attempt to get attention?

If it is the former, then I’d like to suggest that you examine your back view in a mirror (buy one if you don’t have one). Bend over. There you go.

If it is the latter, then I am, perhaps, the wrong audience. Perhaps you should wait for the right audience before you ascend the stairs.

Maybe you like having a saucy secret (“Oooh, I’m a rebel; I’m not wearing underpants!”). But it isn’t a secret anymore if everybody knows.

Maybe it is laundry day. In that case, I recommend making a load of delicates a priority.

Please consider the eyes of others.

Scarred for life,
Beth

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Moving status update: Another letter to Dad

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , on May 17, 2012| 10 Comments »

Dear Dad*,

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you’ll be able to see your grandsons more than once a year because we are not moving to Saudi Arabia.

The bad news is that Eddie and I are divorcing (which is OK under Deut. 22:13-21 because, well …). In the course of our research into how we should be behaving, we realized that we shouldn’t be married at all (Ezra 9:1-2). I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to marry a foreigner (and those Puerto Ricans are most definitely foreign to me). Plus, the Apostle Paul specifically states that light should not have fellowship with darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14). You’ve seen Eddie.

As it turns out, gay marriage does indeed lead to a Pandora’s box of heinousness such as group marriage, pedophilia and bestiality.

In our case, just talking about it led to this:

He says her name is Michelle and they are very happy together. I’m devastated, of course, but putting on a brave front for the kids’ sake (our kids, not hers).

Thanks for your support in this difficult time.

Love,
Beth

* Clarification (I can’t believe I need to provide one): This post and the preceding one are completely satirical. Please don’t send me hate mail.

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Moving day approaches: A letter to my dad

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2012| 18 Comments »

Dear Dad,

I hope you and Katherine are doing well. Eddie and I are fine, except we are going to have to move. Now that President Obama is “leading a war on traditional marriage,” we are investigating other countries to inhabit. (I am so glad Rush Limbaugh pointed out Obama’s transgressions to us. You know we look to him for advice because of his four traditional marriages’ worth of experience.)

Unfortunately, developed countries such as Belgium, Canada, Spain, Sweden and the Netherlands are out as they also support the abomination that is a union between two people who love each other. I mean two people who love each other who are also of the same gender, of course. The horror!

Like our friends in North Carolina, we certainly cannot condone that unnatural behavior. Leviticus 18:22 clearly states that someone cannot have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman. Despite the fact that appears to be good news for lesbians, we understand the intent.

I want you to know that Eddie and I also plan to abide by other passages of Leviticus. For example, we’re going to make sure we eat the leftover sacrifices on the first or second day. We had no idea that the sacrifices became impure on Day Three (Lev. 19:27). Eddie knows he can’t eat any of the offerings until he gets rid of that nasty Athlete’s foot (Lev. 22:4).

Also, I may have taken the Lord’s name in vain, so Eddie has told Shirtless George next door that he can gather a posse of fellow Shriners and stone me to death (Lev. 24:16). No one can prove that I did it, though, so I may be OK. We do plan to have a word with Mrs. Hope on Victory Drive, however. She clearly doesn’t realize that she is flirting with a stoning of her own (Lev. 20:27).

The good news is that we are going to have help moving because we can buy some people (Lev. 25:45). We also have plenty of places to choose from for our new home. Much of Africa and the Middle East have varying penalties for homosexuality.

I hear Saudi Arabia is nice this time of year, and they have the sense to have the death penalty to punish the gays. Of course, I won’t be able to drive there. If we women could drive, of course, it would “provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce.” We can’t have that. (And I’m sure I’ll get used to wearing an abaya.)

We’ll miss you and Katherine, Dad, but you know we just can’t have the gays running around and being happy together, let alone paying taxes and expecting equal treatment.

I know this sounds different from what I’ve said in the past, but I’ve seen the error of my ways. Thanks to Fox Nation, Pat Buchanan and Rush, of course, Eddie and I now realize that the gays are destroying our marriage (and here I thought it was all the time I spent ignoring him when I was working on my dissertation). During this dark time for heterosexual marriage, we now know that we must look to beacons of hope such as Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Newt Gingrich, and, of course, Rush himself to educate us on how traditional marriage is supposed to work.

If Saudi Arabia doesn’t work out, there’s always the Moon. Newt won’t allow a bunch of gays up there, I’m sure. I know he’s out of the race for 2012, but there’s always hope for 2016.

Love always,
Beth

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A letter to @APStylebook

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , , on May 1, 2012| 6 Comments »

Dear AP:

I don’t know if I can continue in this relationship. I trusted you, but you betrayed me with that trollop, “hopefully.” You know how I feel about that word. How could you do this to me?

Your change of heart was swift — much quicker than your decisions about “email” and “website.” How long did you go on defending yourself about those two, even when the whole world used the form you finally adopted? Everyone knew you would cave eventually. But “hopefully” was, sadly, a blindside. At least for me.

You might say, “The whole world used ‘hopefully’ to mean ‘I hope’ or ‘It is hoped,’ so what’s the big deal?” You and I both know that there is a huge difference between deleting a hyphen (“e-mail”) and accepting a word used improperly. Just because everyone uses it the wrong way doesn’t mean it is OK.

I held you to a high standard. I badgered students in my classes to learn your mysterious ways or face certain peril, grade-wise. Now I just don’t know if I can continue to cite you, to force adherence, to claim allegiance.

You are a sellout. I’m so disappointed in you. I’m not the only one who feels this way.

It’s been two weeks and I’m still not even close to being over this stab to the back of good grammar. It will take time. It may not happen at all.

I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Beth
Your Former No. 1 Fan

P.S. Of course, you can make it all better and say it was just a joke. Please say you were just kidding.

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Going beyond blackjack

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on April 28, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Thinking of going to Vegas? Looking for something other (cheaper) than Celine and casinos? Check out Beth’s Vegas Guide for Weirdos Like Her.

1. Take a sweet limo from the airport.

2. Get married (remarried, renewed, whatever) in the cheesiest way possible.

3. Play a round of miniature golf with KISS (replicas, of course).

4. Enjoy an evening of “Absinthe” — a mix of comedy and Cirque du Soleil.

These two are on roller skates.

5. Listen to a band like Squeeze at the House of Blues.

6. Watch the dancing fountain at the Bellagio.

7. Show your love for your friends outside their hotel room door. (Thanks, Royce and Sarah!)

8. Eat at delightfully tacky restaurants such as the Peppermill.

9. Go to one of the billion sex shops and marvel at the wares.

10. Wait for an hour for the shuttle back to your hotel because someone doesn’t want to walk. Watch people walk up and down the strip.

11. Take pictures of all the entrepreneurs in their get-ups.

12. Take photos of your friends in front of interesting signs.

13. Copyedit signs.

Is spelling it that way supposed to be a joke?

Should be "girls who want to meet you."

14. Bask in the glow of the city’s neon.

15. Keep your mouth shut about all your adventures. (I have, more or less.)

Safe travels!

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