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Posts Tagged ‘Peeves’

Things that go buzz in the night

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on September 27, 2011| 4 Comments »

The fan gently hummed. The clock tower five feet from the headboard of my bed chimed the hour of four. I was tucked into crisp white sheets under a fluffy white duvet. I was about to slip back into slumber when I heard it.

Buzzzzz.

Too loud for a fly or a mosquito. This was a healthy, robust buzz. Powered by what I didn’t know, and wasn’t sure I wanted to find out.

I turned on the light. Hovering four feet above me was a massive winged creature. Like a yellow jacket that sampled the “Alice in Wonderland” cake. I squelched a squeal. (It wouldn’t do to yell; it is a very small village, and a noise like that surely would have awakened my coworker next door, or the students in the apartments across the narrow street.)

I grabbed a sweater and whipped the sleeve at it, Indiana Jones style.

The beast dropped out of the air. And disappeared. Completely. Like Michael Myers after Dr. Loomis shoots him over the railing.

There was no way I could go back to bed without knowing where it was, dead or alive.

I got a book and waited.

After about 10 minutes, I heard the tell-tale buzz (Poe had nothing on this). The winged devil rose from the floor on my left, a foot from my head. I sprang to my sweater. It flew out of the bedroom into the living room.

For about 10 more minutes, the beast and I created a spectacle straight out of a Looney Tunes cartoon. I finally trapped him in the folds of the sweater and flung him outside. He clung tenaciously to the fibers and demanded to come back in. I cursed (quietly) and shook harder. His creepy little legs at last released my cardigan.

Before I could close the window, he flew back inside.

At this point, I was really thankful no one could see in my windows. With renewed vigor (and while choking back a panicked gurgle), I sweater-snapped him again.

He stopped, dropped and rolled.

I pounced again with the sweater, gathered him up, tossed him out the window again, and shut it quickly.

I have no idea if he lived, but I know I didn’t go back to sleep.

Addendum:

After posting this account, I did some research (prompted by a comment on the post). I think I tangled with a European hornet, or Vespa crabro.

And perhaps I need to change the pronoun in the story to “she.”

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Foyer, doux foyer

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on September 13, 2011| 7 Comments »

Home, sweet home.

This is my temporary home in Lacoste, France:

My street and apartment

I left my real home on Sunday with tissues stuffed in my bra to help me through the emotional experience of leaving Eddie and the kids. After many hours breathing recycled airplane air (three planes), wrangling suitcases (one large, three small), and enduring the wrath of Sue Sylvester serving as flight attendant on the longest flight, I made it to my final destination in the south of France.

It has been an action-packed 20 hours since I arrived. I’ll spare you the play-by-play. Here are the highlights:

  1. I live 10 feet away from the clock tower. It chimes twice per hour.
  2. It is scorpion mating season. Here’s one that won’t mate again.
  3. It is harvest season. Carl, another professor here, shows off the goods.
  4. The village’s hills will be assets as I whip my own assets into shape.
  5. The place has interesting little cubbies everywhere. Here’s a cool hobbit potty, for example.

One of the best parts of the town tour today was an impromptu peek into Tom Stoppard‘s former residence. I’ll share the photos later.

For now, though, je suis fatigué!

À bientôt!

 

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Hello, dollface

Posted in Random, tagged , on August 31, 2011| 1 Comment »

When my mom died, my dad was in rough shape. Eddie and I thought he had one foot in the grave. Every time I talked to him, it was like talking to Eeyore. And suddenly, six months later, he was a different person. Chipper, even.

Her name is Katherine. She moved in, cheered him up, and whipped him into shape. She speaks in that Old South syrupy drawl and he just oozes contentment. I can’t help but like her. She’s almost perfect. Almost.

Katherine likes dolls, and lots of them. She has taken the first step, though, in admitting she has a problem. (“Hi, my name is Katherine, and I’m a doll collector.”) She and my dad talk about an eBay purging, but nothing has happened yet. So a thousand pairs of eyes greet me when I visit.

The formation taking up prime living room real estate is this Native American tableau. They are taller than my oldest son.

There's a horse in there too.

Here are some of the others:

Cupids? Rejects from "Toddlers and Tiaras?"

Runaway bride? She looks afraid of something. Maybe it's the others in the room.

The Victorian medley awaits the slumber of the guest.

Princess Di stars in "Little House on the Prairie."

This is part of a carousel of horrors.

Chucky and his (her?) pet deer. Same creepy eyes.

Katherine shows off "Rosemary's baby."

Not even the kitchen is immune.

The dolls reside in a garden of silk flowers and plants. Every cranny is a diorama of disturbing elements.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, Eddie can't sleep tonight ...

Dad reads this blog and will show this post to Katherine. Katherine, I want you to know that our taste in interior design might be different, but I wouldn’t trade you for anything. I’m happy to have you in our lives, even if that means I put up with weird little figures (the ones who are not my children).

(On a side note, anyone in the market for some dolls?)

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Thank you for being a friend

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , on June 28, 2011| 8 Comments »

One of the bad aspects of Facebook is that grammar/punctuation mistakes are out there for friends to see. It’s good for a grammarian like me, though, who can use mistakes as fodder for her blog. Here are three mistakes I’ve seen too often in the past week.*

“Awe”
Many people write this when they mean “aw,” as in an exclamation of dismay or some other sentiment. “Awe” conveys wonder or respect.
Example: “I am in awe of her inability to use ‘aw’ correctly.”

“Whenever”
Don’t confuse “whenever” with “when.” “Whenever” means that something always happens. “When” means it happened once.
Example 1: “When I went to the store yesterday, I bought Brussels sprouts.”
Example 2: “Whenever I go to the store, I buy beer.”

“Myself”
If you want to identify yourself in a photo, just use “me” or “I,” depending on the sentence. Don’t write “Charles and myself at graduation” or whatever.
Example: “This is a photo of Royce, Trish and me competing in the Bobbing for Pigs’ Feet event at the Redneck Games.”

I know Facebook is a fun forum, but let’s try not to butcher the language. Thanks.

(Uh oh. Do I hear the sound of dozens of “unfriend” clicks?)

* No images of the offenders’ comments; I don’t want to embarrass them publicly.

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Tattoo you. (Wait — on second thought …)

Posted in Random, tagged , , on June 11, 2011| 7 Comments »

If there is any question that there is an obesity epidemic in America, then I suggest a trip to Summer Waves (or really any water or theme park).

You know what else has reached epidemic proportions?

Bad tattoos.

You can find those at Summer Waves also.

Did she give the baby the tattoo gun and let him have at it?

You know what his destiny is? The ER after a heart attack.

¿Que carajo es eso? A snake? Hamburglar? Dopey from the Seven Dwarves?

Is this a permanent immunity necklace? Immunity from normal relationships, I'd bet.

What IS this? Maybe a wave of humiliation surrounded by kanji for "I'm a dumbass with no taste."

I spy with my little eye a penguin on a doughnut, one of those freaky intestinal tapeworms, a rabid bunny, and an ode to Wesley (as in Dread Pirate Roberts? As you wish.)

Tattoo-watching = more interesting than waterslides!

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One ticket to paradise, please

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , on June 4, 2011| 3 Comments »

In honor of the guys who corrected typos across America, I decided to make a difference in the bathroom of the restaurant across the street from where I work.

(Don’t let your mind wander to unpleasant things. I’m still talking about fixing typos. There’s a chalkboard wall in there.)

One small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.

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Shooting fish sans barrel

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on June 1, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Summer is starting to bring out the “best” in my redneck neighbors. I’ve mentioned some springtime idiocy, but the summer offers something different.

I’ve been collecting stories about the neighbors — whom Eddie and I have named Serial Killer, Beekeeper, Ghost, Refrigerator Box, The Preacher, Prophetess, Auburn, Professor, Shirtless George, Big Screen, Fish Trapper and Kurt Land — but today’s post is about Mr. Gun. Mr. B.B. Gun.

We live on a small lake and we were enjoying the serenity (Serenity now!) while feeding the geese.

Suddenly, we heard gunshots (which, incidentally, is why we left our last neighborhood, Cracktown).

We look up and see this:

Our neighbor is throwing out fish food, then shooting the fish with his BB gun.

Seriously? It is too much trouble to get out a pole? Why not just skip right to dynamite?

I called the local police department to see if such activity is legal in our area. I got voice mail.

Sigh.

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A good grill is hard to find

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , on May 18, 2011| 2 Comments »

From Blitchton, here’s proof of functional illiteracy in America.

(Thank you, Royce, for bringing this into my life.)

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You probably think this post is about you

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on April 26, 2011| 2 Comments »

… ‘Students and the enormous revenue they bring in to our institution are a more valued commodity to us than faculty,’ Dean James Hewitt said. ‘Although Rothberg is a distinguished, tenured professor with countless academic credentials and knowledge of 21 modern and ancient languages, there is absolutely no excuse for his boring Chad with his lectures. Chad must be entertained at all costs.’ (from ‘Professor deeply hurt by student’s evaluation‘)

Thank you to The Onion for providing this little bit of levity regarding the serious business of student evaluations. (I’ve mentioned my feelings about them before.)

Just this morning, one of my coworkers was lamenting the “age of entitlement” and mourning the death of professor respect. I’m not sure I’m in a position to really complain about narcissism, though. My activity on Facebook, Twitter and this blog is not exactly bucking the trend.

Let’s look at the concept of narcissism as defined by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, authors of “The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement.”

Narcissists believe they are better than others, lack emotionally warm and caring relationships, constantly seek attention, and treasure material wealth and physical appearance.

So I’ll narcissistically comment on my narcissism in my narcissistic blog: One out of the four is definitely true, and I think someone could make a case for two others, although only in specific areas.

But enough about me. What about you?

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You might be a redneck if …

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on April 18, 2011| Leave a Comment »

… you have a portalet on the back of your pickup.

My neighbor might be a redneck.

I’m not sure if I am becoming one, or am one already, but I certainly live next to some.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, here’s my take:

Your neighbor might be a redneck if …

  • He doesn’t own a shirt. (If my next-door neighbor has one, he never wears it.)
  • She drives to the mailbox.
  • You had to put up a taller fence to keep your neighbor from peeping over it to see what you were doing.
  • Her free-range terrier tried to kill your chicken. (Wait — that might make me a redneck too.)
  • She operates a beauty salon in her garage.
  • He has an RV in his back yard, and his kids live in it. (To be clear, they are grown.)
  • There has been a refrigerator box in his yard for three months.

Including the portalet, there are eight examples of redneckery afoot in my neighborhood. Yet I’m only talking about four different neighbors.

Redneck is as redneck does (apologies to Forrest Gump).

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