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Posts Tagged ‘Peeves’

Home sweet home — finally #SundayStories

Posted in Apartment life, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2021| 2 Comments »

Mi casa es su casa.

Dear Readers,

You may be wondering where I’ve been. I’ve been in Hell. Specifically, I’ve been in the First Circle: Limbo.

I do not do well with uncertainty. And finding a place to live in St. Louis has come with SO MUCH UNCERTAINTY. And dealing with people who hang out in the Fourth Circle: Greed.

First, I was going to rent. Then I saw how expensive rent is here. (It’s not as bad as Atlanta, but considering we are paying for two places to live, it’s bad.)

I decided to buy a cute condo downtown. Until I saw how much HOA fees are. (Hint: They are not cute.)

My brother said, “For that amount, you can buy a nice house.”

But I didn’t want a house. A house comes with upkeep.

My realtor said, “For that amount, you can hire someone to do the upkeep.”

So I found a house and decided to buy it. It’s adorable. It’s on a street that reminds me of Savannah, and the neighborhood brewery is a one-minute-and-20-second walk away. (For real. I timed it.)

But.

BUT.

The inspection found a few issues in this 1891 gem. We negotiated like mad to work it out.

But then, a new problem:

The seller got a divorce. Never took the ex off the deed.

Uh oh.

That delayed closing a week. Meanwhile, we had to get out of the place in Atlanta. No problem: Seller was going to grant possession prior to closing (as she should: It was her fault). But she wanted to charge $83 per day.

Excuse me?

As my stuff was in a moving truck and ready to go to St. Louis, I was in a tight spot.

Sigh. FINE.

Then — as Eddie and I were driving separate UHauls to Missouri (another terrible story), the seller changed her mind.

SHE CHANGED HER MIND.

Now, I need you to know this: I discovered (because I did spend many years as a reporter) that the seller would be my next-door neighbor. SHARING A WALL, as it is a row house.

So this woman fully knew she would be royally screwing over her soon-to-be-close neighbor. And she did it anyway.

(This is not even the climax of the story, in case you are wondering. We have a ways to go to the denouement.)

My GOD.

Now entering Fifth Circle: Anger. Please keep hands and arms inside the vehicle.

As the owner, it was her prerogative. For sure. But also a dick move.

So.

I’m nothing if not resilient. While driving the truck, I booked a storage unit in St. Louis and hired some folks for the next day to help us move my stuff into it.

Recalculating. This route avoids the Seventh Circle: Violence.

On the day I was supposed to move in, we ended up staying with my mother. Thankfully! And made the best of it.

I did close on the house a week later. Her decision cost me a week and SO MUCH MONEY because I had to hire actual movers, instead of abusing my family.

That experience was atrocious on its own. (Hence my comment about the climax.)

The good news is that the house is mine. I’ve been here two weeks. And my neighbor hasn’t dared to show her face.

Are you surprised? I’m not. She knows what she did.

But I have a place to live. And a forwarding address. Finally.

And you are welcome to come visit.

Your hardy friend,
Beth

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We did the Monster Mash (a graveyard smash) #SundayStories #SundayScares

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2021| 5 Comments »

Dear Netherworld:

For some reason, I’ve never had a burning desire to visit you. I guess I prefer “real” haunted houses/places.

“Fake” ones rely on jump scares, which are too much like pranks for me.

However, when your children — whom you haven’t seen in almost two weeks — want you to go with them someplace, you say, “Yes.” Or at least I do.

Our group consisted of three moms and five teenage boys, ages 15-16.

Someone needs to shave.

Here are the things that I found scary upon arrival:

  • The ticket price. It was $30 each. Yikes!
  • The porta potties outside didn’t have lights inside them.
  • The lack of masks indoors. COVID isn’t gone, y’all!

Once inside, there were other things to scare me:

  • Just as I started to walk in, the dude pulling back the curtain stuck his hand in front of my face. I screamed from shock. Then giggled because HOW DUMB?!?
  • A huge animatronic demon face bum-rushed me and shoved me into a wall.
  • The floors were designed to match the “rooms.” Squishy flooring to represent grass in a cemetery, for example. What’s scary about that? The broken-ankle potential. I don’t need that again.
  • There was a corridor of clowns. HORRIFYING. I loathe clowns.
  • Each of the two haunted houses ends with a chainsaw-wielding madman. Or three. I loathe chainsaw-wielding madmen. (That comes from a certain movie seen at an impressionable age.)
  • One of the boys’ friends putting on a badass act. “What? I can’t help it if I’m not scared.” OK, then, Buzzkill.

I did have a good time, though. One of the best things was the boy banter.

Dominic: Gideon, be careful they don’t put you in one of the exhibits.
Gideon: What?
Dominic: “Oh, here’s another skeleton.”
Dylan: More bones, all Fernbank style.
Gideon (laughing): My superhero name can be Bones.
Dominic: I feel like this right here is a villain origin story.

I’ll probably see you next year.

Happy Halloween!
Beth

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Breaking and entering #SaturdayInsanity #SundayStories

Posted in Apartment life, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2021| 2 Comments »

Dear Mid-America Apartments:

I hate you with a white-hot rage. The temp of a thousand suns.

I hate you like Bette hated Joan.

I hate you like a high-school boyfriend hated shirts with sleeves (much to my father’s chagrin).

(I hate you so much, but I still don’t hate you as much as I hate Mitch McConnell.)

You installed “smart locks” a few months ago. Ours has never worked properly. Your maintenance folks have been out to fix it more than four times.

Last night, it wouldn’t open. Period.

I called the emergency line. Twice. Eddie called too.

Someone will be right over.

Someone did not come over.

Someone called.

The someone: We don’t do lockouts. We only do emergencies.
Me: This is an emergency. Our lock isn’t working. We need to get into our place. Don’t you have the special key to get into the garage?
Him: No. You’ll have to check with the leasing office.
Me: They don’t open until Monday.
Him: I guess you’ll have to wait until Monday.
Me: How are we supposed to get into our apartment?
Him: I don’t know. We only handle emergencies.
Me: This is an emergency.
Him: We don’t consider this an emergency. Don’t you have the garage door opener?
Me: If we had that, I wouldn’t be calling you, would I?

I hung up on him.

I mean … WHAT the ACTUAL F?!

So we borrowed an extension ladder from a friend. I hummed the “Mission Impossible” theme while Dominic shimmied up and saved the day.

I was TERRIFIED of what bad things could happen here.

We should not have had to do this. Your emergency line people should actually have the capacity to help.

And you should have installed locks that actually work.

I can’t wait until our lease is up. I will NEVER recommend your company/complexes.

Beyond vexed,
Beth

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Attack of the killer tomato can #SundayStory #SundayStitches

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Trigger warning: Laceration

Dear People at Peachtree Immediate Care:

You suck. Completely.

I thought you were in the business of helping people. Immediately. I mean, IT’S IN THE TITLE of the place.

So when Gideon was attacked by a can of diced tomatoes, we naturally thought of you.

It was deep.

We showed up moments after the attack.

You said there were two other lacerations ahead of us, and that you wouldn’t be able to get to him before closing time.

IN TWO HOURS.

What the eff? For real?!

I don’t understand.

So we went to Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta Urgent Care. They sent us to the emergency room because the gash was three centimeters long — the cutoff for urgent care treatment, apparently.

The ER doctor rolled his eyes when he heard about our adventure. He said:

Just come here first. Don’t even bother with those urgent care places.

Roger that.

Anyway, Gideon is all fixed up, no thanks to you.

Three deep stitches, eight on the top layer

Get your act together.

Sincerely,
Beth

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On being the bigger person #FridayFury

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on September 10, 2021| 2 Comments »

Dear High Road,

I really don’t want to take you. I don’t. But I knowI should.

For example, someone has angered me, and I want to tell off that person. Immediately and thoroughly.

I want to go FULL KAREN.

My journalism and PR background has helped me know you. And you’ve always served me well.

I’m not a bridge burner.

I believe in karma.

But.

Your antithesis, the low road, is looking mighty appealing. Calling to me, even.

Sigh.

But I will. Because I am better than the person I mentioned above. Karma can sort him out.

I’ll be seeing you. Loads.

Yours truly,
Beth

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Auntie Beth says STOP IT #SundaySpeakerStupidity

Posted in Advice, Technology, tagged , , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2021| 3 Comments »

Dear People Who Like Speaker Phone:

You have to stop. Seriously. You live in this world with other people who do NOT need or want to hear your conversations.

I’ve mentioned this before.

Why are you still doing it?

All loud. On speaker. In a grocery store.

And you people who like to watch videos with the sound up and no headphones? That goes for you too.

Don’t be loud in public. The world is not your living room. Have some dang manners.

Kthxbye,
Auntie Beth (I’m no Miss Manners, but I’ll do.)

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#TBT to youthful eye skin: A guest post

Posted in Advice, Guest post, tagged , , , , , , on August 12, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Dear Readers,

You KNOW I love a guest post. Today’s comes from a friend from my performing arts days. I know you are going to love it. And ladies, I know many of you will commiserate.

I’ll be back Sunday with a rage post. 🙂

Love,
Beth

Image stolen from this site. It has loads of tightening tips!

Dear Makeup Guru Friends:

Do any of you have advice for hooded eyelids? I’m not talking about what makeup influencers consider hooded eyelids.

I’m talking about 40-year-old, wrinkly, swamp witch eyelids on a solid decline to medically necessary blepharoplasty.

Even when I cake the eye makeup on, it just disappears as soon as I open my eyes.

Is there a special tape for this?

Do I just Gorilla Glue these suckers open?

Will false eyelashes help, or will my lids just move them around until I have a unibrow?

Do I just need to Botox my eyebrows two inches higher to stretch everything out?

And don’t go giving me the “Don’t rub your eyes when cleaning; just tap, tap, tap the eye cream on” advice either. That advice is for 20 year olds and gals with eyelids like SharonSaysSo. These droopy dogs are 100 percent genetic. No amount of gentle touching is going to save these turkey gizzards.

Asking mostly for my right eye, but ol’ lefty isn’t too far behind.

What I’m really asking is this: When I’m 45 and am using binder clips glued to my glasses to keep these monstrosities in place, will you guys still love me?

I hope so.

Your friend,
Afton “The Eyes Have It” V.N.

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A rumination on vaccination #SundayStories

Posted in Advice, Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2021| 2 Comments »

Dear Folks Who Won’t Get the COVID Vaccine:

I’ve created a handy chart for you to help in your decision making.

Look. Listen. We all had to get vaccinated to start school. What is the sudden problem? And you don’t want to show proof? We’ve all had to show proof of vaccinations our whole lives for school. It’s a public safety issue.

We also have had to show proof of identity when flying. And driving. And returning to the country. And voting in many places. (Hey, Georgia!)

So what’s the big deal with vaccine passports? We’ve had vaccine records for years!

We already have government mandates for safety (OSHA, seat belts, helmets, speed limits, etc.).

But some of those things only protect the individual, while others protect, well, others.

Vaccines protect you and others. Many diseases are gone because of vaccines.

Please get yours so we can all get back to normal. And so, you know, you won’t DIE.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Beth

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Attack of the tomato killers #SundayStories

Posted in Apartment life, tagged , , , , , , , on August 1, 2021| 3 Comments »

Dear Plant Murderers:

You are complete bastards. I went out of town for TWO DAYS, and my beloved tomato plant went from this:

To this:

I didn’t even know why until I got close.

Hornworm.

I had never even heard of you. And then I had to Google how to get rid of you.

As per instructions, I plucked you off my plant and yeeted you into the sun. (Plucking was advised. Yeeting was not. Directions suggested killing you in soapy water.)

Look at this complete asshole. His name is Adolph.

I will be vigilant against your return, but I don’t know if my plant will rebound.

TWO DAYS!

I hate you all.

Sincerely,
Beth

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Chutzpah, thy name is Greg #TemerityTuesday

Posted in Apartment life, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2021| 2 Comments »

Dear Greg,

Thanks for your inquiry into the space I have listed on Airbnb.

I have questions:

  1. Why are you contacting me and not your wife? She has a job (clearly), so I assume she is a big girl who can plan her own trips.
  2. Will I be able to rent out the kitchen and living room for those nights as she apparently won’t be using them?
  3. Do you do this kind of thing all the time? Ask for “a better deal” where negotiation is not standard?
  4. If you buy a car, do you negotiate the price based on how many times you plan to drive it?
  5. What about your own house or apartment? Did you ask for a discount on the price or rent based on how many times you’ll use the whole house?

Sorry, Greg, but your request is ridiculous to me. The site is Airbnb not Airb. And I’m going to be a B and say NO!*

I’m still going to have to get it ready and clean it when she leaves. The price is comparable to other places and much cheaper than a hotel.

You and your wife can take it or leave it.

Sincerely,
Beth

*Credit to my cousin Ellen for that gem.

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