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Posts Tagged ‘Poop’

To Trump Voters,

Well, it appears you got what you wanted.

Now we are all in the Finding Out stage of F—-ing Around.

I hope it works out, but I’m afraid it won’t.

I haven’t forgotten his first term,

Though I’m not a fan of Biden’s Department of Education (see FAFSA failure), Trump’s was terrible too (hi, Betsy DeVos).

Now he just wants to just get rid of the DoE altogether.

Without the Department of Education, what becomes of special needs programs? Head Start? Pell Grants? FAFSA overall?

Oh, money is going back to the states? Riiiiight. Sure it is. I’ll bite: How? What’s the process? How is it not going to be a disaster like FAFSA was/is?

Why do I care? I work in higher education. I am worried about my job in a way I’ve never had to worry about in any other presidential election.

Also, Vance called professors “the enemy.” So that’s great. 🙄

If I lose my job, I can’t sleep on the street. SCOTUS said so.

Plus, I’m middle aged. The sidewalk would hurt my back.

Ordinarily, if the candidate I voted for didn’t win, I’d be disappointed, but I’d go about the business of living my life. Just regular grousing.

It’s different now.

Among many other ‘bright’ ideas, Trump said he wants to bring back prayer in schools (which is a violation of the separation of church and state, and unconstitutional as of 1962), eliminate birthright citizenship (which is against the 14th Amendment of the Constitution**), and plans to go through with mass deportations of millions of people (with “no price tag” — isn’t that the OPPOSITE of smaller government you said you wanted?).

Y’all did say you care about the economy and immigration, so let’s start with the latter.

I don’t think you know who picks your food. Who works on your roads. Who builds your houses. And it will deter people in the tech, engineering and medical fields as well.

There will be a price tag, alright. And we will all pay it.

Deporting illegal immigrants will collapse our economy. Also, we are talking about HUMAN BEINGS with full lives and families in this country. What are they going “back” to? What about the people who have no ties to their country of “origin?” What’s wrong with you?

So let’s talk now about the former, supposedly a big issue (even though the Economist says the U.S. economy is the envy of the world).

Someone wrote on Twitter (it will never be X to me):

Hard times create Democrats.
Democrats create good times.
Good times create Republicans.
Republicans create hard times.***

It’s worth noting that EVERY REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT has had a recession. Economies perform better under Democratic presidents.

You don’t believe me? Look it up.

dO yOUr oWn rESeaRch.

I did my own reconnaissance on the price of things, just for an “OMGTHINGSARESOEXPENSIVE!!” baseline. (They aren’t.)

Note that I’m in Oregon, where cost of living is higher for many things. Produce tends to be lower, though. Still, I’ll check back in on these prices once Trump really gets going.

It’s worth noting that this is the lowest gas has been since I moved here.

I meant to take a pic of coffee. That’s something we import the shit out of. And bananas and sugar. I’ll document those on my next grocery run.****

If Trump starts with his insane tariff plans, costs for all those will go up.

I don’t think you understand tariffs. Or economics. Or definitions of economic systems.

Let me help.

Capitalism: Private individuals and companies offer goods and services. They control production and distribution.

Socialism: The community owns goods and services through a centralized government. Individuals can own property.

Communism: Everything is owned by an authoritarian government. No private property.

Marxism: A critique of capitalism that focuses on the exploitation of workers. Marx said the next step is socialism after the workers rebel.

And while we are at it, here are three more:

Fascism: A system of government where a dictator has complete power — squashing criticism and opposition while emphasizing extreme nationalism.

Authoritarianism: A system of government where the power of the state — either one person or a small group not accountable to the people — is more important than individual freedom.

Oligarchy: A form of government in which a few people or a dominant class holds all the power.

Huh. Those three sound a little too familiar.

Anyway. I did what I could before the election to counter the misinformation you all were lapping up like my naked cat drinks water. I tried. And I voted. Even though my ballot has STILL not been counted, according to the online tracker. (Starlink, again?)

All I can say is this:

I hope you get what you voted for.

Beth

Just putting this here for proof. Ignore the apostrophe (“High’s”). The rest is accurate. (I didn’t make this graphic.)

*Sorry, Bangles.

**Not that it matters because the majority of SCOTUS carries water for the Orange One. And it’s not like he cares about what’s legal anyway.

***A change to this quote.

One final thing: I DARE someone to say, “Your body, my choice” to me. It will be hard for him to speak again with his balls in his throat. #fact

Try me.

And I love this guy.

****UPDATE: Photos from my last grocery run

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Y’all.

I’ve mentioned before how much I love the Next Door app.

I cannot get enough of the petty drama. Just look:

Lord have mercy. These PEOPLE.

But I am HERE for it.

And for what it is worth, I’m Team Heather.

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Dear Plant Murderers:

You are complete bastards. I went out of town for TWO DAYS, and my beloved tomato plant went from this:

To this:

I didn’t even know why until I got close.

Hornworm.

I had never even heard of you. And then I had to Google how to get rid of you.

As per instructions, I plucked you off my plant and yeeted you into the sun. (Plucking was advised. Yeeting was not. Directions suggested killing you in soapy water.)

Look at this complete asshole. His name is Adolph.

I will be vigilant against your return, but I don’t know if my plant will rebound.

TWO DAYS!

I hate you all.

Sincerely,
Beth

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Dear Rod,

Thank you for your life’s work: raising awareness of colon cancer. Because of you, I listened when my doctor said it was time for a colonoscopy.

No one ever has good things to say about them. Certainly not Eddie, who complained his way through the fluid you have to drink before the procedure.

But it had to be done.

Add flavor packet. Fill with water. Drink all of it. Stay close to the bathroom.

But you know me: I like to enjoy myself.

I’m bougie.

It did not taste bad at all. It was like a weak lemon-lime Gatorade.

Anyway, it had the required result.

I went to see the doctor clean as a whistle. The nurse got me ready, said one thing to me, I felt tingly, then woke up back where I started.

Easy peasy.

I’m completely healthy and won’t have to go through the procedure for 10 more years.

But thanks to you, I know I’m good.

Miss you,
Beth

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Dear Readers,

As summer gets closer, and we are all still on our forced Coronacation, those summer plans are on shaky ground. One casualty is the annual Download Festival in Leicestershire, England. Americans: Think metal Coachella or Lollapalooza (which are surprisingly still on as of today).

Here’s a post from Tara to help you recreate the experience while in isolation. (It reminds me a little of my low-rent spa suggestion.)

See you soon! (Maybe. With any luck.)
Beth

Oh those innocent days when we could wear other people like clothing and gaze lovingly into the eyes of our metal idols.

How to have a Download Festival experience during the Coronacalypse
By Tara W.

For those of you gutted (Note from Beth for Americans: That means devastated) by the cancellation of Download Festival this year let me try to help you recreate it from the comfort of your home.

  1. Drive to the furthest part of your village/town/city, and park your car.
  2. Walk back to your house.
  3. Put your tent up in your garden/lounge (Note from Beth for Americans: Living room). It’s best to use a pop-up tent if you are putting it in your lounge.
  4. If you have an additional tent, put it up right in front of the doorway of the tent you intend to sleep in.
  5. Scatter the area around your tent with empty cigarette packets/bottles/crisp packets (Note from Beth for Americans: Crisps are potato chips).
  6. Crap and piss in a bucket to give to you the correct aroma. Do NOT clean the bucket.
  7. Play some great and some not-so-great rock/metal tunes.
  8. Make burgers or grass wraps (for the vegetarians), and charge yourself at least £8 (Note from Beth to Americans: That’s $9.88 in today’s money).
  9. Pour yourself a pint/short of your favourite beverage, making sure you charge yourself at least £5 (Note from Beth to Americans: A short is liquor — like a shot — and that’s $6.17). Put said beverage in the microwave for eight seconds to get it to the right temperature, and put a bit of grass in it.
  10. When you have finished your weekend, go and collect your car.

I hope this helps! 😉🤘

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Dear TP Hoarders:

Calm down. No need to buy out each store.

You are the reason Whole Foods had to set some limits.

Note that when I went, it was with the intent to hoard something else:

Sumo oranges: Expensive but worth it.

Why am I not worried about having enough toilet paper?

Because I’ve been smarter than the average bear for nearly two years.

With a bidet, you never have to worry about a TP shortage.

You’ll never hear me ask if you can spare a square.

It’s cleaner and cheaper over time. You can buy one from the comfort of your own home. No need to expose yourself to COVID-19.

You’ll be prepared for this pandemic AND the next (shudder), while helping save the planet.

Yours in healthy hygiene,
Beth

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Dear Viktor Wynd,

You and I clearly are kindred spirits. My friend Nick mentioned your Museum of Curiosities as a place to check out the next time I was in London. In fact, he specifically said this:

It looks like how I imagine the inside of your head looks.

Well, he’s not wrong.

My head is filled with flotsam and jetsam, much like your museum.

In fact, your website celebrates the lack of categorization as part of the mission.

This museum will merely display everything that has glittered & caught the eye of it’s founder.

I just want to take a moment to recognize your genius. Where else can a jar of Amy Winehouse’s poop live alongside some terrible taxidermy?

As I was able to visit recently, here are some visual aids for readers who think I’m kidding:

This is pretty bad, even as bad taxidermy goes.

And part of Amy outside her music lives on.

BFs 4EVA!

It must be weird to be a celebrity whose detritus is museum worthy.

There is plenty going on in this case. Almost too much for intake.

Id like to copy edit the museum mission statement, but I won’t. Here it is with all its charm intact:

The Museum has no overreaching aim beyond the theft of it’s visitors time and the hope that it will provide amusement by return & hopes to fill the vacuum between what the establishment elite believes is worthy of worship & what exists in the world.

Good news: It did ABSOLUTELY provide amusement. This is exactly the sort of place that provides a perfect afternoon for me.

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Dear Readers:

Occasionally, I am fortunate enough to have a post from a guest blogger. Today is my lucky day (and yours too)!

I present to you the story of goat yoga, a strange phenomenon sweeping the nation. Sounds like something I would try. Alas, Bingo Lisa tried it first. Here is her account (edited slightly for blog voice and flow).

I’ll be back with a Words With Friends dating update later this week.

Love,
Beth

This kind of yoga really got my goat*
Guest post by Lisa W.

I’ll admit I was a bit excited about being invited to a baby shower where there would be goat yoga. I’m not a big fan of women-only baby showers. Unless I’m sure there will be alcohol, I usually avoid them.

My friend Trina, my 6-year-old daughter Cali and I drove out to the sticks in Ridgeland, South Carolina, to celebrate our friend Jessie and her baby boy’s approaching arrival.

I’d seen pictures of goat yoga online and all of it looked happy. People holding poses and nuzzling baby goats or having them on their backs.

Preggo Jessie (left) and a family member pose with four-legged friends.

Dorothy planned this event. She could not be more thrilled.

The yoga was supposed to be outside, which I now know is ideal. However, the weather was misty so the yoga class was moved inside into our host’s sunroom. We unrolled our mats with anticipation for the nearly ceremonial releasing of the goats. Oh, rabbits too. And chickens.
However. These animals are not potty trained. My expected serene yoga event turned into a literal shitshow.

The releasing of the goats quickly led to the goats releasing their bowels.

So much poop.

I attempted child’s pose and lowered my head per the teacher’s instructions. A baby goat then ran full speed at me and tried to head butt me. I realized I couldn’t let my guard down for a second.

Here’s Lisa on high alert.

The actual yoga lasted maybe five minutes because everyone spent the time either holding the goats, picking up their lovely presents, or trying to keep them from eating our mats.
We passed around tiny shower cocktail napkins to pick up nuggets and sop up pee. I joked that this was great training for the mom to be. If only those goats had worn diapers.

The goats show Jessie how she got pregnant, in case she didn’t know.

It seemed like most attendees had a great time.

Sara (left) and Trina appear to be having a blast.

Cali loved it too. Me, not so much.

Cali pats the bunny. Meanwhile, Lisa reports that her face looked like this the whole time.

I just couldn’t. I was counting the seconds till the end of goat yoga.
Bye Felicia.
When I got home, my husband Rob and I had this convo:
Rob: How was goat yoga?
Me: There are three yoga mats in the bed of your truck that belong in your work dumpster.
Rob: That fun, huh?
Never again. Thankfully, I needed a new yoga mat anyway.
Lisa

*Don’t blame Lisa for that headline. It’s all Beth.

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Dear Trish the Chicken (RIP):

A former graduate student of mine (now friend) sent me a link to this article today, and I immediately thought of you. And missed you, of course.

You would have made a great gang leader. You had a strong personality and did not suffer fools. You were never too chicken (har har) to go anywhere. You also were very loyal to me alone, much to Eddie’s chagrin.

I feel sorry for the little fox in the story, but the idea of a chicken gang is hilarious.

Anyway, I hope you are having a ball tearing up the landscaping and pooping everywhere in the great coop in the sky.

Yours always,
Beth

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Dear America:

It’s almost your birthday, so I’m giving you the gift of information. This info might help answer a question I’ve been asking since I began traveling throughout the rest of the world:

Why do Americans resist bidets?

There are various commercials that address the perils of paper. Here’s one example:

And various products to help clean up your hazardous waste site:

But tissue is troubling in general. Why not solve the problem in a less wasteful way?

The French get it. The Japanese more than get it. You practically need a user manual, but your special bits will be spic and span.

Americans don’t get it.

And I don’t get that.

Everybody poops. EVERYBODY. (If you don’t, you have a real problem that I can’t solve.) Don’t you want to be as clean as possible afterward?

If you do, here’s a solution: Tushy. It’s an aftermarket, easy-to-install bidet. (NOT to be confused with the anal porn website in HD [!] that I found accidentally when looking for the bidet link.)

I’m happy to be a paid spokesperson if asked.

Come on, people. Let’s get it together. Save some trees. Save some septic tanks. Save your sphincters some friction.

Unless you are into that sort of thing. (And according to that website … nevermind.)

Yours in booty health and wellbeing,
Beth

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