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Posts Tagged ‘Rage’

Open letter to homophobes

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on March 8, 2011| 32 Comments »

Dear Straight Brethren (or Closeted Brethren Pretending to be Straight) Who Oppose Gay Marriage:

I want to talk to you about something very important. I’d like to think that we’re all reasonable adults, and I hope you can open your mind to the points I am about to make.

We both know that it really isn’t our business whom gay people marry or if they marry at all.  Their desire and ability to marry have no effect on my marriage or yours any more than Charlie Sheen’s “marriages” have.

Before you bring up the so-called “sanctity of marriage,” let me remind you about Larry King, who is on his seventh wife. You don’t seem to care about him (or Tiger and his traveling tool), but you seem to be squawking loudly about the Defense of Marriage Act. Defense of Marriage? Really? We need a defense for an institution that is all about individual choice? People are going to choose it or not choose it, be happy or unhappy, make a mess of it or not make a mess, and no legislation can do anything about that.

So what we are talking about here is discrimination. Let me remind you that gay people pay taxes. They’ve essentially paid for legislation that discriminates against them. That sucks. We’re talking about human beings who have just as much right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as we do. If they aren’t treated equally under the (tax-funded) law, maybe they shouldn’t have to pay taxes. Uh oh.

Please don’t talk to me about the Bible. You can’t use the Bible for two reasons:

  1. If you are going to adhere to one passage, you have to adhere to the whole thing. Should we start stoning adulterers? Maybe we can start with Newt Gingrich. (You know the Bible also says divorce is wrong.) Don’t get me started on why literal interpretations of the Bible are a bad thing in general. Even the Vatican doesn’t advocate a literal interpretation, and you know how I feel about the pope.
  2. There’s this crazy thing we have here in America called “separation of church and state.” I know it isn’t very convenient sometimes, but there it is. So don’t allow gay people marry each other in your church if you think homosexuality is a sin. That’s fine. But civil unions should be available to give same-sex couples access to state-created rights. You know, the states they pay to operate through tax dollars.

The choices any people make in their personal lives do not affect me at all — unless, of course, they choose to attack me or my family physically, or rob us, or something like that. And that’s when the law should get involved.

You know what does affect me, affect us? Misuse of tax money. Cuts in education. Poor road maintenance. National dependence on oil. I could go on, but I won’t. You are reasonable. You get my point.

Can we please focus on legislation that truly affects how we live our lives?

Let’s be reasonable.

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Rednecks, Cheetos and Glenn Beck

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I love that WordPress lets me know how people find my blog via search engines. For example:

My posts about the annual Redneck Games, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and rhetorical devices get the most visitors from search engines. Interesting.

I talked to Trish yesterday about following up our Redneck Games extravaganza with the annual Claxton Rattlesnake Roundup next month. She claimed she put it on her calendar. Hmmm. I suspect I’ll have to hound her into submission.

I’ve got nothing to say today about the Cheetos. I have a pantry packed with Flamin’ goodness.

I’m not sure I’ve got much left to say about rhetorical devices. And that’s a device right there. Aporia (“Uh-POHR-ee-uh”) is the act of expressing real or simulated doubt.

Another one comes to mind because some friends and I have been talking about the musical “Hair.” (It has been 10 years since we — yes, I was in it — performed it at SCAD.)

“Ain’t Got No” is an example of anaphora (“Uh-NAF-er-uh”) because each line begins with the same words.

Finally (for today), dialysis refers to weighing two arguments as a choice: either/or, this/not that, no/yes, etc. For example, I had a Twitter spat with some woman in Atlanta who objected to what I said about Glenn Beck:

 

So, according to nautilus55, EITHER I like Glenn Beck, OR I am a liberal. No room for anything else there, I guess. And that’s a false dilemma, my friends, which is a logical fallacy. More about those some other time …

 

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Words for the week (weak?)

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , , , , on January 28, 2011| 4 Comments »

Writing a dissertation is a marathon, not a sprint. For me, it is a marathon that also includes deviations off the path to experience some waterboarding, flaying and pillorying.

There is a special place in hell reserved for the people who devise the rules, regulations and procedures governing thesis projects and dissertations at state universities.

But enough about that. I have plenty of time to complain about the dissertation process over the next three months. Let’s talk about something fun — like words that I love.

Hobo
This is a great word I’ve managed to use twice this week. I imagine plenty of stubble, patches, and a stick holding belongings tied in a kerchief — the whole nine yards.

Raggedy
Straight up to’ up. I also like “rickety.”

Ghastly
I use it when “horrible” just won’t do.

Barf
Succinct and illustrative.

Sycophant
It says so much more than “brown-noser” or “flatterer” could. I’ve only used this once this week, but there’s still time.

Hmmm … I see a theme emerging. Must be my general mental state. See first two sentences.

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Laughter turns to tears

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , on January 3, 2011| 3 Comments »

I’ve been working very hard on my dissertation. I know that may come as a shock, but it’s true.

According to what I wrote in my proposal and IRB application, I am trying to determine what television news reporters in small markets perceive as influences on their daily newsgathering and decision-making processes. And, just to make it extra fun, I chose a qualitative research method: in-depth interviews.

It has been challenging to find participants, then schedule and conduct the interviews — all of which have been phone interviews. Many of these have happened after dinner, before the kids go to bed.

You can sense a disaster about to happen, can’t you?

Tonight, I had two interviews in a row. Eddie was supposed to keep the boys quiet.

For whatever unfathomable reason, he decided to stage some kind of freaky dance party in our living room instead — with predictably disastrous results.

Meanwhile, just a few steps away, I was in my office, trying to conduct an interview.

Hear the disaster here.

I can’t imagine what that poor reporter thinks.

(And don’t worry — both boys are just fine.)

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“Operation Jaws”

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on December 7, 2010| Leave a Comment »

Well, the story of the Sharm el-Sheikh shark just got weirder. I thought the anthropomorphism was bad, but the story 36-hour Tina forwarded is much worse.

Read and marvel at the full article. This is an image of the “spy” shark, taken moments before one of the attacks.

Wait — are those robotic fins and laser beams I see? And the Israeli flag too?

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First, the good news

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on December 4, 2010| 2 Comments »

My friend Tina and I just spent 36 hours together in New York City.* We’ve been friends for more than 20 years, so getting together with her is like wearing your favorite broken-in shoes. (Not that I’m comparing my friend to footwear, of course.)

While together, we:

  • sampled some wine and cheese at Eataly. (This place is amazing! You can drink wine while you shop for all kinds of delicious products. There’s a whole cooler just for sausage!)

One of those topics was pessimistic vs. optimistic people. She and I tend to be optimistic, but there are those in our circles who are most certainly not.

A faulty washer and subsequent flood does tend to cloud the sunny disposition, though.

Imagine this floor with two inches of water:

Intrigued? Yes, a sad little story follows.

We stayed in Tina’s sister’s place on the Upper West Side — a fantastic Riverside Drive address. Marion was in Florida and graciously let us stay. In return, we wanted to leave the place tidy with clean sheets. Tina left very early yesterday morning, so my job was to wash the sheets using the washer/dryer in the kitchen.

After the rinse cycle, I went into the kitchen and found the flood. Expletives followed. I spent an hour and a half physically mopping and mentally freaking. (Side note: I’ve met Marion three times, maybe.)

I even had to move the refrigerator.

As Tina’s other sister, Ann, remarked, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

I called Tina and left a message for Marion. Then the super appeared. Glenn was alerted to a water problem by a tenant on the 12th floor. Marion lives on the 16th floor. Yep. It was that bad.

Thus began a series of unfortunate events that challenged this optimistic person. So let’s look at those events from two points of view.

WASHER LEAK

The dark side: Massive flood that trickled down four flights and seeped into parquet floors — in the condo of a woman I barely know.

The bright side: I was still in the place when it happened. And Marion came home to clean sheets!

FEDEX SHIPPING (I offered to take another round of packages to FedEx for Tina, and I needed to send some of my own. The closest place wanted to charge $80, so I had to find an actual FedEx shipping center — 20 blocks away.)

The dark side: I carried 30 pounds of packages 20 blocks.

The bright side: I need the exercise, and my biceps got a workout.

AIRPORT RUSH (Because of all of the above, I ended up running late to get to La Guardia. To make matters worse, I had to get to the airport during Friday afternoon rush hour. I took the subway to 125th street and waited for the M60 bus. After a long wait during which I was silently screaming more expletives, I suggested to the four other La Guardia-bound people that we share a cab. They agreed, and the four of us got to the airport at 6:15 p.m. My plane was supposed to leave at 7!)

The dark side: I waited 45 minutes in the cold for a bus that never came, and then shared a cab with strangers. During the ride, I nearly soiled myself out of fear that I was going to miss my flight — the last direct one of the night.

The bright side: I made my flight, and even landed a little early. Plus, I met some interesting new people who all made their flights also.

I always say that it is great when good things happen. But if something bad happens, there is still something good: It makes a great story.

Hope you enjoyed mine!

* While in New York, I also had a lunch date with frequent blog contributor He Who Has Three Names: Shane Marshall Brown. Yay!

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Parenting 101

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on October 11, 2010| 7 Comments »

Perhaps I’m too strict. Or perhaps I had kids late enough in life that I remember that people without kids don’t usually like to be bothered by kids. And sometimes even people with kids don’t like to be bothered by kids.

Eddie and I do not let our children run amok in restaurants. We refuse to be that family with the ring of detritus around the dinner table. I don’t need extra napkins because my children WILL NOT make a mess.

Yes, maybe I’m too strict. Or maybe I’m considerate.

I certainly would not allow Dominic and Gideon to amuse themselves by turning deck lights at Tubby’s Tank House off and on, off and on, etc. The mother of young Artemis and Arcadian (yes, those were their unfortunate names) had no such qualms.

My friend Pam and I were trying to have a nice quiet evening. Thank you, idiot mother, for ruining that plan. It will not scar your children for life for you to tell them to “cut that out right now.” You can correct them. That’s your job. Artemis and Arcadian will have plenty of friends in their lives (well, maybe). They only have one mother. Show them how to act!

And if you are unable to make them behave in public, stay home.

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The Case of the Cranky Cottonhead

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on October 8, 2010| 4 Comments »

I finally had a Friday off and I spent most of it going to two more group exercise classes: Pilates and Line Dancing. (In case you are counting, that makes five group sessions this week. Five!)

To me, Pilates is what we used to call “calisthenics” back in the ’80s. We weren’t all fancy then. All we had was Jane Fonda and her legwarmers.

Now there are balls, mats, elastic bands, weights, etc. At this class, there was also a sweaty, inflexible man next to me who grunted as he exhaled. Jane never grunted. I don’t think she ever sweated either.

By the time my abs were screaming a sound only dogs could hear, it was time for the next class. Even though it’s supposedly geared toward seniors, I was excited about line dancing. I still mourn the death of Stetsons on Mall Boulevard, which is where, many years ago, I two-stepped my little heart out a couple of times a week.

The class consisted of the instructor, me and two other ladies. I had what I never want in a group exercise session: individual attention. And I was the youngest by at least 20 years.

Subtract two, add me, and that's the class.

At least I didn’t complain. Eleanor complained. Loudly. About a variety of things. Some elderly ladies seem sweet and kind, like Betty White. Eleanor was like Betty White’s older, bitter, spinster sister.

I shouldn’t judge, though. At least she was there and trying to stay active. Rock on, cranky cottonhead!

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Murder, she wrote

Posted in Chickens, tagged , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2010| 6 Comments »

Convicted serial killer accused of fifth slaying

From Staff Reports

BLOOMINGDALE, Ga. — Convicted serial killer Maggie The Dog is the only suspect in the murder of Shelly The Chicken. Shelly’s father, Eddie Concepción, found the bird’s body Sunday night in the back yard of the family home. Maggie’s younger sister, Mona The Dog is listed as an accomplice.

“I knew the dogs were a little too anxious to go outside,” he said. “Mona was not returning to the house, so I got the flashlight and started shining it around. I saw the two legs and knew.”

Warning: Graphic image

Concepción reported that Shelly must have left the side yard while the family was at a birthday party at Monkey Joe’s. When the family came home, it was dark. According to Concepción, they did not know of Shelly’s escape when they let Maggie and Mona outside.

Shelly’s mother, Beth Concepción, was clearly distressed. “We had a breakthrough yesterday,” she said. “She finally came up to me and wanted to be petted. We were making such progress on her socialization!”

According to the family, neither Shelly nor her sister Jeanne had ever left the side yard. However, sources close to the investigation reveal that Beth had said both chickens were about due for a wing clipping.

Beth reports that Jeanne, who shared a coop with Shelly, is holding up well under the circumstances.

“She just seems really sad and lonely,” she said. “I’m afraid this tragedy also will push back egg production.” Neither chicken had produced an egg yet.

Maggie had been convicted of the March 2010 murder of Trish La Gallina and the April 2009 murders of Trish’s three sisters. She had done time inside the house and outside on a leash before being released on parole.

On behalf of his delinquent dogs, Eddie is asking for understanding and forgiveness.

“I don’t think we should have chickens. Either train them to be guard chickens or get rid of the dogs. Chickens and dogs cannot coexist,” he said. “Apparently, there is some kind of code we don’t know about that Maggie is forced to enforce.”

Eddie’s son Dominic took additional steps to ensure peace in the Concepción household.

“Dominic had a talk with Maggie and he said that she’s not going to [kill] again,” Eddie said.

The family held a private service in conjunction with trash pickup.

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Giving a rat’s ass

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , on September 2, 2010| 2 Comments »

Why are apostrophes so difficult for some people? Either something is possessing something or it isn’t. If it isn’t, then it just needs an “s.”

The person who writes the promotional materials for Monkey Joe’s needs a refresher course in the rules.

Let’s take a closer look:

What is that apostrophe doing there when “fundraisers” should be  a simple plural word? I’ll tell you what: making the person seem dumb.

And since I’m on the subject of appearing to be dumb, let’s talk about this phrase:

I could care less.

If you really could care less than you do, then that is correct. However, people usually use it to mean, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.” In that case, the correct phrase is:

I couldn’t care less.

And that means the speaker really doesn’t care at all.

If you use the wrong phrase,  you seem dumb to people like me who care about proper usage. And then I couldn’t care less about you.

Harsh? Maybe. Truthful? Yes.

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