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Posts Tagged ‘Requests’

I am a lucky woman. Guess what the man below is carrying.

Loyal readers have guessed correctly, I’m sure. Yes, it is a box filled with bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Puffs.

The man is Toby, one half of the Jody and Toby team.

They are very dear friends of the family, and not just because they tracked down my favorite snack food.

My dad tried to help, but bought the crunchy version instead. (It is the thought that counts.)

I also received the following message from my friend Kelly:

All of these folks live in the Atlanta/North Georgia area where Puffs are plentiful.

Eddie thinks these kind people are enablers. Yes, that’s true. And I say, “Thank you, Enablers! Now I have Puffs aplenty.”

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(I hope my artist/designer friends will forgive me for the visual atrocity I am foisting on the world, but I this is important information.)

My Puff daddy failed me. I went back to get my fix, and all I heard were crickets chirping when I asked where my bags were.

There were none at Store No. 9 either, and the chunky, pimply, lunch-eating clerk rudely informed me they didn’t sell well and they would not be getting any more.

What’s an addict to do?

Well, put out an APB to her friends, for one.

If you see Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Puffs, please notify this authority immediately. Do not try to detain the suspect yourself. The suspect is considered flamed and delicious.

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Frito Lay is a Puff tease. Just like they did years ago, they got me hooked on the Flamin’ Hot Puffs, then took them away.

You may remember my addiction. If not, here’s my confessional.

I was down to my last bag, so I checked the “Where to Buy” section of the Frito Lay site. I was near two of the stores, so I went in. Both of them. Nothing.

Then I checked a couple more that were not as close.

Then it became an obsession. Dominic asked if we were going to keep “exploring.”

Yes, yes we were.

I finally scored two bags at Store No. 9. Crazed, I checked at two more stores on the way home. Again, nothing.

Store No. 12, the Ridhi Food Mart in Pooler, had one bag and a hookup: A manager said he would get more for me from one of their other stores.

Great. Now I have a dealer. I really do have an addiction.

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Let’s talk about intent. SCAD graduate student Charlotte (fiancée of my friend Nate) provided a visual aid for this topic exploration.

I’m sure the writer wanted to get people excited about UGA football. But what he/she has really done is offer tickets to specific dogs. What do they want with those? And how much is $10,0000? Is it really $100,000? Or $10,000? I’ll take either.

My friend Heidi provided another good example.

The writer probably does not want people to sit in that cushy-looking chair. But instead, the sign warns against a sit-in. What about picketing or rioting? Are those OK instead?

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I received a forwarded e-mail with the subject line “I think Beth might like this one.”

It’s true. I do.

The e-mail originated with Jason, significant other of frequent contributor Shane Marshall Brown. And here is the photo:

Seen in Kalamazoo, Michigan

That sounds like an offer I can’t refuse. I could use $7,500 and 15 extra years. I wonder what kind of injury qualifies. Maybe a small flesh wound? I’m not so much into killing …

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When Trish and I were getting in my car after the Redneck Games, I noticed something stuck under my windshield. I just grabbed it and threw it in the car without looking at it. Much later, when I was about to throw it away, I actually looked at it.

The headline: “Rednecks can be Christians too!”

Oh boy.

Let me share with you some “wisdom” from the pamphlet.

If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I’d choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit — that’s what rednecks are made of.

Wow. Somehow I don’t think a tire iron is a match for an AK47. But maybe a squirrel gun is equal to an IED made by a weak terrorist in training. Grit, as in gumption, might be equal, although grit, as in particles, probably is not: Sand tends to get in crannies a little more obnoxiously than Georgia red clay does.

I’ve scanned the brochure for your enjoyment.

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Most colleges offer students the opportunity to give feedback on their classes and/or professors. The university for which I work releases the evaluations, which consist of a statistical section and a comments section, roughly two weeks after the end of the quarter.

I await the comments section with excitement laced with crippling fear. People like to be liked, and professors are people too. There is always a comment that makes me so happy I want call my boss and read it to him over the phone.

And then there is the other kind.

There’s always one student who hates my guts, or hates something about the class that I may or may not be able to change. And that negative comment lingers in my mind like the last drunk guest at a house party.

I learn from all the comments, even the ones that make me reach for the Cymbalta. I appreciate the constructive criticism, because I want my classes to be interesting, useful and fun. And I want to keep my job.

Spring quarter’s Cloud Nine comment was this one from a graduate student in the Promotional Writing class:

The case studies & examples of things that are currently happening partnered with student presentations were an excellent tool to utilize.

To the disinterested reader, this may seem like a positive, if pedestrian, comment. But to readers of this blog, this is a sentence that reveals a deliberate attempt to yank my chain (in a good way) by combining four of my pet peeves: ampersands and the words “currently,” “partnered” and “utilize.” Well done!

Spring quarter’s Cymbalta comment was this one from an undergraduate student in the Writing for the Web class:

I really wish she would explain her assignments.

Such an innocuous comment. I could accept it, except that I posted an assignment sheet for every assignment, and each sheet detailed everything I expected and how I would grade the assignment. And I went over each assignment sheet in class. Twice.

Of course, the evaluations are anonymous. I have my suspicions as to who wrote the comment, but I can’t be sure. I practically beg students to talk to me if they have problems in the class or want clarification. I wish the writer of the comment could have elaborated on what, exactly, was lacking because, in my (drunk-littered) mind, I’ve done everything I could possibly do.

Sigh.

Cymbalta, anyone?

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I love so many disease names. I’m very interested in medical things in general. “Trauma: Life in the ER” is a great show. Definitions courtesy of Merriam-Webster.

Scurvy: a disease caused by a lack of vitamin C and characterized by spongy gums, loosening of the teeth, and a bleeding into the skin and mucous membranes
It makes me feel like a pirate when I get a chance to say it.
Example: It looks like Austin has a bad case of scurvy.

Narcolepsy: a condition characterized by brief attacks of deep sleep often occurring with cataplexy and hypnagogic hallucinations
I also like “narcoleptic.”
Example: The professor worried that Daniel had narcolepsy.

Scabies: contagious itch or mange especially with exudative crusts that is caused by parasitic mites (especially Sarcoptes scabiei)
You don’t really hear about cases of scabies very much. That’s too bad. I really like the word.
Example: Charlotte woke up the next day with a hangover, scabies, and a guy named Nate.

Rabies: an acute virus of the nervous system of mammals that is caused by a rhabdovirus (species Rabies virus of the genus Lyssavirus) usually transmitted through the bite of a rabid animal and that is characterized typically by increased salivation, abnormal behavior, and eventual paralysis and death when untreated
Similar to scabies in that I really like the sound of the word. I also like “rabid.”
Example: “Now I’ll get rabies!” Jenny screamed after she was attacked by a rabid weasel.

Chickenpox: an acute contagious disease, especially of children, marked by low-grade fever and formation of vesicles and caused by a herpesvirus
It has nothing to do with chickens. The virus hangs out and can later cause shingles.
Example: Becca was convinced her daughter had chickenpox.

Leprosy: a chronic infectious disease caused by a mycobacterium affecting especially the skin and peripheral nerves and characterized by the formation of nodules or macules that enlarge and spread accompanied by loss of sensation with eventual paralysis, wasting of muscle, and production of deformities
You just don’t hear much about leprosy anymore. I also love the word “leper.”
Example: Kristine felt like a leper as she endured the bachelorette party at Deja Groove.

Gingivitis: inflammation of the gums
It’s just a fancy way of saying, “Yuck! You need to brush your teeth more often!”
Example: As soon as he opened his mouth and Elisa noticed his acute gingivitis, the blind date was over.

Halitosis: a condition of having fetid breath
If I like “gingivitis,” you know “halitosis” can’t be far behind. I also like “fetid.”
Example: Andrea could smell Elisa’s date’s halitosis before he even spoke.

Angina: a disease marked by spasmodic attacks of intense suffocative pain
It sounds a bit saucy, but it is not.
Example: Cameron claimed she had an angina attack to get out of the ad workshop.

Fasciitis: inflammation of a fascia (as from infection or injury)
It is just fun to say (though clearly not to have).
Example: Eddie had to wear a special boot to cure his plantar fasciitis.

As a side note, my favorite drug name is Boniva
(for osteoporosis).

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I’ve mentioned words I hate in a number of posts. Lest you think I am a negative person — a hater, if you will — I have compiled a list of words I love (definitions courtesy of dictionary.com). Here they are, in no particular order:

Moist (adjective): Moderately or slightly wet; damp
People either love this word or hate it. I love it because I think it really conveys that clammy quality.
Example: I shook his moist, limp hand, and instantly regretted it.

Egregious (adjective): extraordinary in some bad way; glaring; flagrant
The word just rolls off the tongue (or off the fingers, as the case may be).
Example: The professor wrote, “I will take off five points for each egregious error I find.”

Heinous (adjective): hateful; odious
Like egregious, it is just a good, all-purpose adjective to convey something unpleasant.
Example: Trish’s attitude swings from lovely to heinous — sometimes within minutes.

Beastly (adjective): nasty; unpleasant; disagreeable
See “egregious” and “heinous.”
Example: The humidity in Savannah is quite beastly in August.

Harass (verb): to disturb persistently; pester
Up until recently, this word was pronounced “HAIR-uhs” (and still is in many places). Here in America, we commonly say “huh-RASS,” which I like better because it is stronger (and I get to say “ass”).
Example: “Gideon, stop harassing the dog!” Eddie said.

Jackass (noun): a contemptibly foolish or stupid person
Speaking of ass, “jackass” is also a great word. It is strong, succinct, and also employs the word “ass.”
Example: People who leave anonymous comments on blogs are just jackasses.

Badger (verb): to harass
It is just such a great, descriptive verb.
Example: Dominic would not stop badgering his mother about his Batman suit.

Meh (interjection): expression of apathy or indifference
Nothing says indifference quite like “meh.” Just ask students in my classes.
Example: She asked, “Professor, how do you feel about my paper topic?” “Meh,” I replied.


Rascal (noun): a mischievous person or animal
I think I might have stolen this word from Eddie. I’m a rascal.
Example: Eddie looked at our wedding picture and said, “Who’s that handsome rascal?”


Hillbilly (noun): a person from a backwoods or other remote area
The word conjures up so many fantastic images.
Example: Effingham County is populated with hillbillies; Chatham County is populated with hillbillies who have money.

I see a theme here. I promise I also like words that convey positive things. But that is for another post.

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Shane Marshall Brown, He Who Has Three Names, sent to me a link to a New York Times article about self-appointed Twitter scolds. I love it.

Even though I usually give people a pass for Facebook and Twitter, I’m happy to see others carrying the torch for proper grammar and punctuation.

I wonder if they noticed the Deen Brothers’ tweet with the incorrect apostrophe:

Meanwhile, I’m still busy with loathsome words such as “partner.” Here it is, offending me from behind a glass enclosure at Memorial Health University Medical Center.

Why can’t they just join Memorial? Or be listed as co-sponsors? Or just have the logos without text? Sigh.

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