Posted in Advice, Technology, tagged Advice, Assholes, Atlanta, Complaints, Disorders, Out of the house, Peeves, Penises, Rage, Technology on August 15, 2021| 3 Comments »
Dear People Who Like Speaker Phone:
You have to stop. Seriously. You live in this world with other people who do NOT need or want to hear your conversations.
I’ve mentioned this before.
Why are you still doing it?
And you people who like to watch videos with the sound up and no headphones? That goes for you too.
Don’t be loud in public. The world is not your living room. Have some dang manners.
Kthxbye,
Auntie Beth (I’m no Miss Manners, but I’ll do.)
Posted in Technology, tagged Academics, Apostrophes, Commas, Complaints, Definitions, Family, Friends, Grammar, Kids, Marriage, Media, Parenting, Punctuation, Spelling, Technology, Trish (the human), Writing on August 5, 2021| 2 Comments »
Dear Gary Chapman:
Trish the Human told me about your “Five Love Languages” philosophy ages ago. I have three languages competing for the top, but Acts of Service usually wins. No surprise.
I would like to propose Five Text Languages. I’m pretty sure everyone I know falls into one of these categories.
Words: I text in full sentences with proper grammar and punctuation. (Of course I do.) Gideon does too. Dominic texts in words without grammar or punctuation, and I want to die.
Gif: My niece Chelsea is definitely a Gif fan. This is my second favorite way to communicate.
Emoji: Eddie is an emoji user. And sometimes I can’t figure out what he means.
Bitmoji: Trish the Human is a bitmoji fan, as is my new friend Andy. (A discussion with him was the inspiration for this post.)
None, aka radio silence: This style is no style at all because these people DON’T TEXT back for DAYS, if ever. Brian and Edgar, I’m looking at you.
Which one are you?
I’m guessing you use words because you are an author.
If you read this, let me know in the comments.
Yours in service,
Beth
Posted in Apartment life, Parenting, tagged Aging, Apartment life, Atlanta, Atlanta events, Family, Hormones, Kids, Media, Out of the house, Parenting, Savannah, Technology, Travel on July 25, 2021| 2 Comments »
Dear Dominic,
Imma be real with you, Chief*:
I’ve had a great time with you this week, even though it wasn’t supposed to be just us hanging out together.
You were supposed to get off work so we could all go out of town.
But despite the fact that I told you the dates four times (🙄), you didn’t ask for time off.
So your brother and father went to Savannah without us.
That’s ok. We made the best of it.
We watched all of “Sexy Beasts” together, and were both very amused.
We went kayaking on the Chattahoochee.
We teased each other mercilessly.
Me to you after you made me wait an hour to start “Forged in Fire” with you: Let it be known that you’re the worst.
You: Oh, I know.
You even learned to ride Marta to football practice as I was working and couldn’t take you.
You even cleaned up after yourself in the kitchen and cleaned your room.
Maybe your prefrontal cortex took a developmental leap this week.
The reason doesn’t matter. The outcome does.
It’s been great. And I’m glad you sometimes enjoy spending time with your mom.
I hope to do it again soon. Maybe more “Forged in Fire” tonight?
Let me know via text (that’s your way, even when you are just in the other room).
Love,
Mama
*Dominic said this to me no fewer than three times this week.
Posted in Random, tagged Advice, Atlanta, Complaints, Customer service, Family, Food, Kids, Media, Out of the house, Parenting, Peeves, Rage, Requests, Sunburn, Technology, White people on June 27, 2021| 5 Comments »
Dear Six Flags Management:
My son and I visited Six Flags Over Georgia yesterday. A Saturday in June. We must have been high to think that was a good idea.
You can’t do anything about the sun or the heat, but you CAN do loads about the rest of the experience.
My complaints fall into three categories: customer service, your app and basic human needs.
1. Customer service
You have none. Not a single person working there wanted to work there. That was clear. And some who were “working” were not.
Case in point: Macho Nacho.
We went into the restaurant at 1:14 p.m. — prime lunch time. Though there are two sides, only one side was open — despite the fact that there was food out and ready to go on the unmanned side AND you clearly had the staff on hand.
A few minutes later, four employees came in with Icees and stood around watching the others work.
It was at this point that I went partial Karen and emailed guest relations.
Meanwhile, my son faded into oblivion.
One other thing: If you are going to advertise that you have guacamole, please have guacamole.
2. The Six Flags app
As I am a diamond member, you send me surveys all the time. You always ask about the app. I always tell you it sucks.
Why? It’s useless. It doesn’t provide any information you can’t get inside the park all over the place.
You know what makes a theme park app useful? Ride wait times. Every other theme park app has them.
Not yours.
Plus, you have to have cell service to use the app. Service in your park is nonexistent. And your WiFi?
Right.
One of the incentives to use the app is the chance to earn points with checkins. (What these points go toward is a mystery, but whatever.)
Great, right? Haha! No.
3. Basic human needs
People need food, clothing and shelter.
I would argue that you deprived us of the first for longer than necessary (see Complaint No. 1).
No. 2 is not applicable here. I live in the South. I know how to dress for a day at the theme park.
No. 3, though, is applicable when it comes to the rides. There is no reason you can’t have canopies over the lines for the rides.
We wanted to go on the Goliath, but the wait time appeared to be an hour in the broiling sun.
No shade whatsoever.
No thank you.
All skin burns. My pale skin gets it worse.
I would argue that hand sanitizer is now a basic human need. Why have sanitizing stations when you don’t fill them regularly? We tried five before we found one with fluid.
Also bathrooms need to be stocked with toilet paper. I can’t believe I have to tell you that.
After one ride and lunch, we were ready to leave.
Gideon: I’ve had enough for today. Let’s go and come back on a weekday or some night.
Me: Good plan.
Please don’t send me an after-visit survey unless you really are planning to implement changes.
Kthxbye,
Beth
Posted in Parenting, tagged Courtship, Family, Hormones, Kids, Loneliness, Media, Parenting, Technology on June 1, 2021| Leave a Comment »
Dear Gideon,
What’s this about you having a girlfriend?
Your brother is a reporter after his mother’s heart.
Dominic: Did you know Gideon’s got a girlfriend?
Me: What? No!
Him: For a month now. Long distance. She lives in Arizona. Her name is Kate [redacted].
Me: What? How did they meet?
Him: On Yubo. We made Dylan download it because he’s got no girl.
Me: Is that like a dating social media app for y’all?
Him: Yeah. Like Tinder.
Me: Tinder for kids. Kinder!
😂
(I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your server!)
Anyway, start spilling. I need details.
Love,
Your curious mother
*The Killers. Very catchy.
Posted in Apartment life, tagged Academics, Apartment life, Bright ideas, Loneliness, Pandemic, Students, Technology, Work, Writing on May 27, 2021| 4 Comments »
Dear Coworkers,
It’s been an interesting year, right? We’ve made work work. And most of us did it from home, with all corresponding challenges/distractions.
I don’t know about you, but my space is not ideal.
My friend Tammy came to visit this past weekend. She HOWLED when she saw my setup.
I can’t believe you haven’t written about THAT yet!
I haven’t. It’s a little … embarrassing. I’ve had to carve out a corner of the living room.
Here’s a peek behind the curtain — the room behind the Zoom:
The other night, I walked over there to put something down on my way to the couch. Eddie said:
Oh, you just had to stop by work for a minute?
Yeah.
Sigh.
For the first six months of the pandemic, I still got dressed in my professional lady clothes (including heels) and went to work during regular business hours. But when my university welcomed back a designated number of students in the fall, the number of faculty/staff allowed on campus had to be limited.
So I set up operations at home and made the best of it.
I still dress up for work (at least on top) but I wear slippers now.
I’d love to get a look at your Zoom room. Please share!
Looking forward to seeing you in human form.
Best wishes for the return to normal,
Beth
Posted in Apartment life, Parenting, tagged Apartment life, Complaints, Coronacation, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Family, Fear, Kids, Loneliness, Out of the house, Pandemic, Parenting, Peeves, Technology, Travel on March 11, 2021| 2 Comments »
At least my footwear is fancy.
Dear COVID-19,
We’ve been living with you for about a year. You’re a terrible roommate. You’ve affected the health of 115 million people, killing 2.56 million of us.
You’ve negatively affected almost everyone’s mental health. (I’d like to meet someone who has not been affected.)
I know you’ve affected mine. I’m an extrovert who likes to travel, so …
Here is the truth:
I am not an indoor cat.
I never wanted to be a housewife.
I did not choose to be a stay-at-home mom.
I think it is important to be honest about the situation you’ve put us in. We all tend to put a brave face on things, but let’s not.
Let’s pull back the curtain to see the man behind it.
Things I’ve normalized that I do not want to have normalized:
These are small issues compared to loss of life noted above, but they are still issues.
The bottom line: It’s not fun to have you around.
It’s time for you to leave.
As they say in the South, “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.”
Sincerely,
Beth (and everyone else in the world)
Posted in Music, Technology, tagged Advice, Aging, Complaints, Crushes, Disorders, Family, Hormones, Kids, Marriage, Media, Music, Parenting, Peeves, Penises, Pop Music, Technology, The Brits, Twitter on March 2, 2021| 3 Comments »
Dear @adampocalypse,
I’m very sorry my public reply to your public question to AITA on Twitter upset you so much that you blocked me.
I’ve never been blocked before — not to my knowledge, anyway.
Maybe you block people regularly, so you don’t remember our exchange.
(And if you do block people regularly, perhaps you should stay off Twitter. Or stop commenting on tweets from popular accounts.)
To remind you, @AITA_reddit posted a selection involving a grown woman whose teenaged boys were mortified by her One Direction decor in one of the bathrooms.
As a mother of teenaged boys, and as someone who loves One Direction, I was interested in the post and fully on her side (as most people were).
But there’s always one person who wants to make it awkward.
That person was you.
It seemed like quite a leap from liking a band to being a pedophile. I’m shocked 584 people implied they agreed with you.
I was compelled to respond. (Because of course I was.) But I wasn’t the only one.
1. Target sold these candles.
2. I guarantee you that most moms of teenaged boys are not into thinking sexually about teenaged boys. They are gross.
3. Yes, I know some women do. That’s gross too. And, thankfully, not that common.
I think you are too sensitive to be on a public forum. You also seem to be projecting.
I am a middle-aged woman who thinks Harry Styles is very cute. He does not meet the age requirement (half my age plus seven) for naughtiness, and also, HE’S A CELEBRITY I’LL NEVER MEET.
Harry IS dating an older woman in the age-gap allowance (Olivia Wilde), so good for her.
(Side note on the age thing: I’m very excited to know that I can date all those hot middle-aged men when I’m 80. Cougaring FTW!)
When my aforementioned teenaged boys were young, they liked to watch iCarly. So I watched too. I thought Freddie Benson was adorable, but I did not want to sleep with him.
Now?
Hello, Freddie!
But no. Still not in the acceptable range. (Also, I’m married. Hi, Eddie!)
My point?
You can think someone is cute and not want to groom them for sex.
Just because a grown woman likes a boy band does not mean she is a pedophile.
I’m sorry if that’s hard for you to believe. And that, sadly, says more about your life.
I’m sorry my response upset you enough for you to block me. You didn’t need to worry, though: I had not planned on having any subsequent interaction with you.
May your future responses to @AITA_reddit bring you more peace, joy and solidarity than this one.
Sincerely,
@BethCon5
*I’m apparently a mean girl, so this works.
Posted in Politics, tagged Atlanta, Bureaucrats, Complaints, Games, Georgia, Government, Media, Out of the house, Pandemic, Peeves, Penises, Politicians, Politics, Rage, Rednecks, Technology, Twitter, Voting, White people on February 24, 2021| 2 Comments »
This guy. Rep. Barry Fleming. UGH. He’s from the Georgia city that has the Laurel & Hardy Museum. His efforts would be a comedy if his fellow Republicans weren’t serious.
Dear Georgia GOP,
Hey, y’all! Georgia voter here. What you are doing with your omnibus elections bill is ridiculous. I know you are upset that President Biden won the state in November and Senators Ossoff/Warnock won their seats in January, but you can’t just change the rules because you lost.
Except you can, because that’s what you do (*cough* gerrymandering *cough*).
There was no voter fraud. That’s been proven over and over.
Stop being sore losers. Just mobilize your base and register new voters. You know, like Stacey Abrams did.
I’ve voted in every election. I voted absentee in November because, you know, PANDEMIC. I took a picture of myself at the ballot dropbox because I know how y’all like to pretend ballots are being returned by others. 🙄
Forcing a voter to make a copy of his/ her/their ID or get a witness for a signature IS NOT GOING TO STOP FRAUD.
Reducing early voting IS NOT GOING TO STOP FRAUD.
Eliminating no-excuse absentee voting IS NOT GOING TO STOP FRAUD.
It just makes voting a hassle for everyone.
Even the Georgia Secretary of State — a man in YOUR PARTY — says y’all lost because of unfounded conspiracy theories, not because of fraud.
Stop making it harder for people to vote. You should be reducing barriers. But I guess you aren’t interested in a fair fight. You want to rig the system.
Huh.
That’s funny.
That sounds like someone I’m glad is gone.
Do a better job of promoting yourselves and your platforms. Then more people might vote for you.
It’s not likely to be me, though, because you waste time on stupid stuff like this.
Be best.
(🙄)
Beth
Posted in Parenting, tagged Apartment life, Bright ideas, Coronacation, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Family, Games, Kids, Obsessions, Pandemic, Parenting, Requests, Technology on January 17, 2021| 3 Comments »
Dear Tim Sweeney,
I know you don’t need my thanks — you’ve got $5.3 billion to give you comfort — but I do appreciate you. Without you, there would be no Fortnite. And without Fortnite, I wouldn’t have had this weekend’s bonding experience with Dominic.
Dominic had his friend Dylan over (COVID bubble FTW), and Gideon was at work. They were playing something together, but Dominic died in the game. Dylan was still going.
Dominic, emerging from his
trash heaproom: Do you want to play Fortnite?
Me: Me?
Him: Yes.
Me (shocked): Sure. Give me a few minutes.
Narrator: She did not want to play Fortnite, but knew she likely wouldn’t be asked again.
Let’s call this the fear of the Cat’s in the Cradle Phenomenon.
So he logged me into Gideon’s PS4.
Then he gave me Gideon’s headset and controller.
But that came with a warning:
Him: Don’t tell Gideon. He doesn’t like people touching his stuff.
Narrator: She told Gideon the second he got home. The response? “You played Fortnite without me?”
He showed me what all the buttons on the controller did.
Him: Push this one to jump.
Me: I won’t be jumping.
Him: OK. Just look and move and shoot.
He helped me set up my avatar. There is a mind-boggling array of choices. It took longer to choose my getup than it did to play the game.
Once that was done, we started the game. He took me to a quiet place so I wouldn’t get killed while I was learning how to play.
I managed to pick up some weapons, steal a truck, and fix my arm after a storm.
Dominic gave me his medical kit.
Awwwww.
During all this, I heard Dylan through Dominic’s headset:
Dylan: Is she any good?
Dominic: Yeah. She can run and follow directions.
Mostly, I followed Dominic. He was very patient. At one point, I said I liked the music that was playing.
Dominic: That’s not good music. That’s a bad sign. We need to get out of here.
The game didn’t last long. Someone sniped me while I was swimming across a lake.
Then it was time for Dylan to go home.
Dominic, coming in to shut off the game: That was good. You’re a lot better than our father.
That made me feel all warm inside.
(Sorry, Eddie.)
So thanks, Tim, for creating something that led to a a few lovely moments with my prickly teenager.
Sincerely,
Beth
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Observe and report 