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The Biddies are back! #TuesdayTreat

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Dear Judith,

Thank you for being my new Biddy BFF. I missed everyone so very much during the Lockdown Times.

I kept checking to see if the Boot Camp was up and running, but had no luck. But then one day, I got this message from Eddie:

I was OVERJOYED. I immediately checked all over the Y website, and finally found the classes listed.

The next day, I hauled my (slightly heftier) carcass back to the pool.

Me to Sandra, the M/W instructor: I was so excited these classes started up again.
Sandra to me: We’ve been back since July!
Me: Oh.

I realized I was a victim of poor website design.

Still, I’m back, and meeting new people like you!

I know I’m in for a few laughs when I see you. Here are some things you said just this week that made me cackle:

EXCHANGE 1
Sandra, on the edge of the pool: It’s hard to do this exercise from up here.
You: It’s even harder in here.

EXCHANGE 2
Sandra: Alright, switch it up. Cross country forward.
You: I only go backward.

EXCHANGE 3
You to me when I was drinking my water: That’s vodka isn’t it? I don’t know why you won’t share.

I never have any trouble getting out of bed to go to the gym. It’s not only because it’s good for me, and I feel great afterward, but because of you.

You are the best!

See you Thursday!
Beth

 

 

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Snyder: Superheroes Supersized #SundayStories #SundaySuperheroes

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 28, 2021| 5 Comments »

Dear Zack Snyder:

Herds of people are celebrating your version of “Justice League.” That’s great for you. (I still don’t understand why it had to be four hours, but good for you and your “vision.”)

I did not watch the Joss Whedon version. My family invited me, but I declined.

Considering the fact that I fell asleep during “Batman v. Superman” and the last installment of the Bale Batman series, I thought it would be a pricey nap.

I’m just a Marvel kind of gal.

Why?

  1. The characters are more interesting.
  2. The story arcs make more sense.
  3. There’s humor.
  4. I’m never bored.

Before your fans come after me with torches, let me just say that these are all just my opinions. I realize that there are DC diehards. To each his own.

But I had planned to give your version a go because people I like and respect liked it.

I had not planned to be forced to watch it after a long day of driving and this adult Capri Sun.

But Dominic insisted.

After the first five minutes featured yelling only, I knew this was not the movie for me.

Me: How long does this screaming last?
Dominic: [lengthy plot explanation]
Me: I don’t want to know the plot. I’m watching it. I should be able just to watch this movie without back story.

How have I seen loads of DC movies and never seen/heard of Steppenwolf (the hammerhead supervillain made of what looks like razor blades)? Was I napping?

Why is Wonder Woman wearing a club dress to work?

Why does Aquaman even bother with shirts if he’s just going to leave them littering beaches?

I made it 38 minutes before I settled in for my DC nap.

You know it’s bad when Jason Momoa doesn’t hold my interest.

Even Eddie, who likes DC movies, was forced to watch it alone after three other people fell asleep on him twice.

This morning, Dominic made me watch the Flash scene where he saves Iris. Yes, it was cute. This is a good version of Flash. Also the comic relief. And I like Batfleck. (But he’s no Keaton.)

Still.

Four hours? Six chapters plus an epilogue? Lord.

But you know what? My opinion doesn’t matter. You have three fans IN MY OWN HOUSE to counteract me.

So good for you, and I wish you all the best. You seem like a really nice guy.

And maybe I’ll try again some other time.

Sincerely,
Beth

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House of Pain* (aka physical therapy) #ThursdayTorture

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , on February 11, 2021| 6 Comments »

Dear Jhamna**,

You are an absolute bitch, and I hate your guts.

But I mean that in the nicest way.

Thanks to my last post, I now know of many people who have experienced frozen shoulder. All of them said that physical therapy is the only thing that expedites healing.

So I know you are doing your job, but you are so MEAN. So mean.

Within 10 minutes of meeting you, you pulled my arm way above my head, and counted to 10. Twice. Despite me squirming in pain.

I wanted to yell:

My arm doesn’t bend that way right now, lady. Stop trying to wrench it off!

But instead, I wept quietly.

You said:

I should give you to Michelle (the other therapist). She doesn’t care about tears. I’m the nice one.

You are the nice one? Shudder.

To be honest, the physical therapist I had before my insurance changed (join me for a future TED Talk on that nightmare) was too nice. I didn’t see any improvement in range of motion. But I chalked that up to being in the “freezing” stage.

I do see an improvement in just a couple of days with you. Part of it could be that I’m religiously doing the exercises because I am scared of you.

I know you’ve seen your share of people with my condition.
I know you know what you are doing.
I know this is what I need.

I also know that I don’t want to ever see you again.

But I’ll see you Monday.

Your terrified victim respectful client,
Beth

*If you don’t immediately start singing “Jump Around,” something is wrong with you.

**This is her name. She’s Brazilian. She is merciless.

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My body is not a wonderland* right now (but I AM wondering about it) #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , on February 7, 2021| 13 Comments »

Dear Body,

I don’t know what your problem is, but I wish you would pull yourself together.

You worked fine up until 2020. Then you had two broken bones at the same time (toe and ankle) after never having a broken bone before.

And now you have the nerve to show up with “adhesive capsulitis,” otherwise known as Frozen Shoulder.

That’s fun.

And why?

Usually the causes are a shoulder injury, diabetes, thyroid issues or a stroke.

No, no, no and no.

You know what I am that is apparently an even bigger marker for it?

A white woman over 40.

That’s it.

Delightful.

Apparently, there are three stages, each of which can last several months: freezing, frozen and thawing.

I’ve been in the freezing stage since October.

That stage features excruciating pain and limited range of motion.

That’s it. That’s as high as my left arm goes at the moment.

This whole thing could last one to three years.

ONE TO THREE YEARS.

Body, please don’t play the long game here.

Give me back my range of motion!

Kthxbye,
Beth

* Thanks, John.

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Giving thanks for the small things #Thankful #Thanksgiving

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2020| 7 Comments »

Dear Friends and Family,

Though this year has sucked in ways large and small, I’m thankful for all of you. I have big emotions regarding a few of you, but I’ll save that for a later post.

On this day of Thanksgiving (glossing over the actual horrific origins of this celebration), I’m thankful for small things (in no particular order):

  • Apothic Red for just $10
  • Jeans that fit
  • Fozzy
  • Gideon’s eclectic taste in music
  • Dominic’s dry comments
  • Eddie’s workout habits
  • Purple nail polish
  • Massage therapy
  • Airpods
  • Uno
  • Alexa (but not Siri, sorry)
  • Twitter
  • Apple Music
  • FaceTime, Skype, What’s App, Zoom and Houseparty
  • Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and Disney Plus
  • “I have spoken.”
  • Bubble tea
  • Gus’s chicken
  • Writing ability
  • Cooking skills
  • That I can drive a stick shift
  • Ancestry.com
  • The election is over (It is. For real, Donnie.)
  • “Saturday Night Live“
  • “The Amazing Race“
  • “Jersey Shore Family Vacation“
  • Rollerball pens
  • Fleetwood Mac
  • Panhandle Slim
  • Frequent flier miles that don’t expire
  • Friends who invite me over just to drink
  • People who have given me a chance to grow as a person and a professional
  • The fact that the first “Happy Thanksgiving” texts I received were from the moms of my sons’ friends (three of them!)
  • A balcony with lounge chairs and good Atlanta weather so I can be outside
  • Fellow bloggers (like this one and this one)
  • The cute but not functional scarf Goat-yoga Lisa made me

Adorable, right? In the background is the not-cute-but-functional blanket I made.

For what are you thankful? Tell me in the comments.

All my love,
Beth

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My strange reality check @TLC #ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Politics, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2020| 3 Comments »

Here’s Mary, all fancy feasting on cat treats.

Dear TLC:

Thanks for running a marathon of “My Strange Addiction” last night. My strange addiction is “My Strange Addiction” (among other shows of its ilk). And it hasn’t been on in ages.

I thought it was a new season, but apparently I just stumbled across episodes I hadn’t seen. (Not sure how that is possible, but yay for me.)

On days when that hypocrite Mitch McConnell is rushing through a SCOTUS pick in an election year, the United States is leading in world COVID-19 cases, and the U.S. president is actually tweeting that certain states are “going to hell” and thus he should be re-elected (odd logic here, no?), there’s something satisfying about the simplicity of a weird habit.

Granted, certain habits can have consequences.

Mary’s cat food addiction has led to anemia and high blood pressure. The doctor’s suggestion (I’m paraphrasing): Start eating people food. (Duh.)

Alicia has been smelling mothballs for 15 years. (Yuck.) Her conversation with a friend (I’m paraphrasing again):

Him: Have you read the warnings on this box?

Her: No, I can’t see that fine print. (Um, yeah, because the mothball sniffing is damaging her vision.)

Him: It says that you shouldn’t inhale them.

Her: I’m not inhaling. I’m just smelling.

Him: (Head explodes)

Riley lives life as an adult baby. She wears diapers 24 hours a day, yet wonders why she isn’t in a relationship.

By watching someone else’s bizarre reality, it somehow makes my (fairly normal) reality easier to bear.

The country is a dumpster fire. People are dying. Certain leaders refuse to see how they are complicit in that or change their behavior.

All I can do is vote and champion my candidates. (And you can bet I will.)

In the meantime, thank you for providing what I consider to be escapist content.

Keep up the good work!

Beth

 

 

 

 

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Still crazy after all these years* #WednesdayWit

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2020| 6 Comments »

Dear Eddie,

Today we have been married longer than many of my students have been alive.

Yikes.

One of your friends wrote on Facebook about her parents being married 58 years. She said, “It has never been perfect, but it has always been interesting.”

Yeah. What she said.

The last couple of years have been TOUGH for us. Hormonal teenagers, a big move, new jobs, a PANDEMIC — many factors have made it difficult.

I try to remember why we’ve lasted this long.

It can be summed up in two photos:

This is actually when my obsession with bad taxidermy began: Eddie and I were replicating specimens while waiting for a kids field trip to begin.

Clearly the same sense of humor.

In fact, this time five years ago, we were in Italy. One of the highlights of the trip was taking photos with a man sleeping next to us at a restaurant.

We ended up seeing our new friend the next day. He was looking a bit worse for wear.

Interestingly, later in the trip we became somewhat of a zoo exhibit ourselves.

Yes, those are the fish that eat dead skin.

In addition to the funny factor, you also are willing to go along with my crazy plans.

Halloween 2012: I handled the costumes and makeup. I’m crafty once a year.

We also find the same things horrifying. Like a house full of dolls and tchotchkes. Shudder.

Your face says it all.

Thank you for two great kids and many years of good memories. Hope we can keep on laughing!

Happy anniversary!

Love,
Beth

*Thanks, Paul Simon.

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This magic moment #WednesdayWisdom

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on July 29, 2020| 5 Comments »

Dear Tony (perhaps not your name in your hummingbird circle, but this is what we call you):

Thank you for giving me a magical moment. I sit on our balcony every day, watch you at the feeder I set out only a month ago, and try to be still so I don’t scare you.

Today, you flew over to me and hovered directly in front of my face for at least 30 seconds.

I didn’t dare to breathe, even though I was squealing inside.

I could hear your wings beating.

I felt the wind from the flapping on my face.

After you satisfied your curiosity, you moved off a bit to the side, and I took your picture.

After you left me giddy, I did some research.

  • We assumed there were more of you, but pretended it was just you: our friend Tony. As it turns out, it may just be you. Apparently, you and your kind have excellent memories and remember your favorite nectar spots.
  • Lending credence to the theory of one, you feed every 10 minutes or so. So I set my stopwatch when you visited, then stopped it when you came back.
  • Apparently, you can recognize the person feeding you by sight and voice.

So maybe you just wanted to get a better look at the person feeding you.

Thank you; it made my day!

Love,
Your human, Beth

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Testing 1, 2, 3 #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2020| 3 Comments »

Dear Coronavirus:

You’ve affected every aspect of my life and the lives of others, but I guess we won’t be meeting in person. At least not right now.

I was sure we had a date. You remember.

So I submitted myself to your truly heinous screening process:

I drove through a tent where people in hazmat suits stuck a stick up my nose, carved out some of my brain, and tried to pop out my eye from the back.

This could be me if the woman had a death grip on the steering wheel.

That’s how it felt.

They said they’d let me know if you were ready for me.

But to borrow from and butcher the work of Randy Travis:

Since my email still ain’t pinging,
I assume it still ain’t you.

And that’s really for the best. All your exes say you aren’t fun.

Kthanksbye,
Beth

UPDATE (July 5 at 7:51 p.m.): I finally got an email. Negative, as I suspected. But peace of mind is everything!

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Mr. Strangelove or how I learned to stop worrying and love being a host #WildLifeWednesday

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2020| 4 Comments »

Dear T—–,

Since Eddie and I listed our downtown condo on Airbnb last year, we’ve hosted all types of people. You have the distinction of being the guest who stayed the longest, and are — by far — the most “interesting.”

I appreciated you coming and staying a while. You helped pay the mortgage on the place when the bookings dried up thanks to the Coronapocalypse.

I definitely feel like I earned your money, even from the first day when you couldn’t find the building (despite me texting you the address three times). Eddie was going to walk down the street and help you with your bags, but you said you had too many.

That was my first clue that you were not planning on staying just the three days you originally booked. And also that you’re not so great at instructions/rules.

I feel like I got to know you really well over the first 48 hours when you sent me 75 texts (I counted). Thanks for letting me know about the various credit cards you like to use, your habit of carrying around $5K in cash, your sleeping habits, your mom’s new restaurant, her birthday, your professionalism and your disdain for the security lady at the front desk.

Near the end of your first booking, we started our stay-extension dance — a dance we repeated four times. I feel like we truly cemented our relationship over the 112 additional texts during your stay.


It’s charming that you developed a pet name for me. I thought the first time was a slip of the fingers, but I became “Bethy” or “Love” for the duration.

I was so amused that I forgave you for locking yourself out three times. But I’m having trouble forgiving you for not returning the keys and parking pass.

To be honest, I didn’t know what to expect when you finally did check out. Let me tell you: I have an active imagination and had concocted various scenarios.

However, it was cleaner than I expected. I could have done without the weird, greasy residue on every surface, though.

Let me know when you want to come pick up your bong.

Also, thanks for the review. Maybe I should start a dating service too.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Bethy

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