I’d like to nominate my son Gideon for Best Actor in a Leading Role. As Prisoner No. 4 in “Quarantine 2020,” he was as good, if not better, than last year’s winner Joaquin Phoenix.
The humanity — the pathos — he brought to his role really is unparalleled.
Just look at his commitment to character in this scene with his father:
And his performance during last night’s climax when all our test results came back negative?
It featured effusive kissing, hugging, brother-wrestling: All you would expect from an Oscar-winning performance. The display featured the emotional depth of Sally Field in “Norma Rae.” (And watching it was akin to watching her acceptance speech for “Places in the Heart.”)
You know that saying, “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time?” Well, in this case, you really didn’t do the crime. You are innocent.
That still doesn’t mean we can set you free, Smooth Criminal. You are incarcerated until we all get our test results.
The family that tests together stays together.
You did get time out of your cell for the testing, but that was not a good time for any of us.
Prisoner No. 4 submits to testing.
We all suffered. Dominic claimed it was “nasal rape.”
You certainly haven’t lost your sense of humor.
On the way home, we had this conversation:
Me: When we get home, I have to go out to buy more wine as someone didn’t follow the list. Daddy: I thought it was a “pick one” list instead of a “get all.” What if I bought a bunch of wine, and you got mad? Me: It’s like you don’t even know me. I would never get mad at too much wine. You: That’s something an alcoholic would say.
Hello Readers! I apologize for not posting since July 5. I took a much-needed tech break. But now I’m back! Beth
Dear Father of Gideon’s Friend:
As a fellow parent, I’ve always kind of felt for you. I realized how much you were trying to make sure your son gets to see his friends after you moved away. And even though you struck me as a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of guy, your kid seems nice enough. I always wanted Gideon to hang out with him, if possible.
But now I’m angry at you.
You exposed Gideon and another of his friends to COVID-19. And by extension, their families.
You should have known better. If your kid was unusually fatigued, then that’s cause for concern. You certainly should not have hosted a SLEEPOVER for crying out loud!
Imagine how the parents of those kids felt this morning when you called to let us know that your son has a fever.
Now I’m isolating Gideon and have scheduled a test for him and the rest of us. (I am NOT looking forward to having my brain scraped again.)
You were irresponsible. Negligent.
Not only is this SUPER irritating, but it’s possibly life threatening for Eddie the Asthmatic.
So thanks, Father of the Year. I hope you and your son enjoy being alone for a while.
OF COURSE her image isn’t perpetuating the “mammy” stereotype and imagery of black servitude to whites. She was a REAL WOMAN, for crying out loud. It’s just pancake syrup!
And I HEAR YOU when you say your history is being destroyed when these LIBTARDS take down Confederate statues and remove the Confederate BATTLE flag. It’s HERITAGE NOT HATE. Yes, of course it is.
There, there.
I understand that equal rights must be like pie: More for others MUST mean less for you. That’s why you are so upset. All these things affect you personally. OF COURSE they do.
Shush now. It will be OK.
I’ll talk to that mean blogger friend of mine who tried to refute clear statements of fact such as, “If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we’d be racists.”
I mean, can you IMAGINE if white people wanted that? I’m not sure how it could be whiter than it is has been, but you should be able to find a way. You’re WHITE!
I UNDERSTAND that All Lives Matter. We are all EQUAL. OF COURSE we are. Systemic racism and COVID-19 are things dreamed up by those aforementioned LIBTARDS to whip people into a frenzy and distract from the REAL issue: That damn Hillary’s emails!
Here’s a white man talking about racism. Because OF COURSE.
I know, I know: It’s not FOX News or InfoWars. But he’s a good Christian!
You are in the right here, as you ALWAYS are. I DON’T UNDERSTAND why ANYONE would disagree with you. How DARE those SJWs! They’re just virtue signaling.
I’m SO SORRY you have to go through this. Things should just STAY THE SAME, amirite?
That unwillingness to evolve DOES NOT mean that you are racist. OF COURSE you aren’t. Some of your BEST FRIENDS are black.
Set the first ingredient aside for 24 hours. Then add the second ingredient. Set that mixture aside for another 24 hours. Add last two ingredients, and whip into a frenzy.
Place frothed mess that is surely COVID-19 onto a refreshed CDC website. Set a test timer for one week.
While the timer is running, think carefully about the ingredients.
Remember:
The three sleepless nights leading up to the first.
The fact that major construction is happening on the floor below the office where you’ve been spending many hours every day. (Hello, construction dust!)
Sleeping on your back. Mouth open. Possibly snoring. (Gasp! No!)
That only one of the ingredients is a common symptom of the ‘Rona.
I feel like Mother Nature with Heat Miser and Snow Miser.
I’ll explain.
They are old enough to handle Father’s Day on their own, but ignorant enough that I felt they needed reminders. And it had to be over text so you wouldn’t know.
But, as you know, they fought Friday night. As you also know, Gideon holds a grudge.
So this was the exchange yesterday:
Not only am I bothered by the unfortunate and consistent lack of punctuation and correct capitalization, I’m outraged at the fighting over text.
I know today ultimately will be a good day for you (I’ve got some things in reserve to make sure), but I wanted you to know what happened behind the scenes.
Since Eddie and I listed our downtown condo on Airbnb last year, we’ve hosted all types of people. You have the distinction of being the guest who stayed the longest, and are — by far — the most “interesting.”
I appreciated you coming and staying a while. You helped pay the mortgage on the place when the bookings dried up thanks to the Coronapocalypse.
I definitely feel like I earned your money, even from the first day when you couldn’t find the building (despite me texting you the address three times). Eddie was going to walk down the street and help you with your bags, but you said you had too many.
That was my first clue that you were not planning on staying just the three days you originally booked. And also that you’re not so great at instructions/rules.
I feel like I got to know you really well over the first 48 hours when you sent me 75 texts (I counted). Thanks for letting me know about the various credit cards you like to use, your habit of carrying around $5K in cash, your sleeping habits, your mom’s new restaurant, her birthday, your professionalism and your disdain for the security lady at the front desk.
Near the end of your first booking, we started our stay-extension dance — a dance we repeated four times. I feel like we truly cemented our relationship over the 112 additional texts during your stay.
It’s charming that you developed a pet name for me. I thought the first time was a slip of the fingers, but I became “Bethy” or “Love” for the duration.
I was so amused that I forgave you for locking yourself out three times. But I’m having trouble forgiving you for not returning the keys and parking pass.
To be honest, I didn’t know what to expect when you finally did check out. Let me tell you: I have an active imagination and had concocted various scenarios.
However, it was cleaner than I expected. I could have done without the weird, greasy residue on every surface, though.
Let me know when you want to come pick up your bong.
Also, thanks for the review. Maybe I should start a dating service too.
(Oh wait: Sorry, I’m wrong. Trump promised to “make America great again,” so this must be great. Silly me.)
As a palate cleanser, here are 10 things I learned about my kids over the past two weeks, told in photos with captions.
1. Dominic is more responsible and interested in hanging out with the family now that he is “on a break” from his latest high-maintenance girlfriend.
2. He can be very charming, personable and helpful — even going as far as rowing me around a lake.
3. A boat in a lake is a good place to have serious conversations about life.
4. He won’t go hungry. He can at least make restaurant-quality breakfast sandwiches.
5. He can’t help himself: He is compelled to harass his brother.
6. His brother is a big fat ham.
7. Gideon doesn’t really like cake. He wanted a flan for his birthday. I’d never made a flan before, but it turned out so well (Behold the Birthday Flan!) that I think it’s going to be my signature dessert.
8. Gideon likes to help me make anything in the kitchen. He enjoys cooking as much as I do.
9. He and I feel the same way about hiking unmarked trails in the rain to get to an anticlimactic lookout.
10. We like the same shows.
There’s my dose of positivity today. I’ll reread as necessary to keep my spirits up.What are your bright spots? Please share!
