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The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.
— Robert Frost

Dear Life:

I want to register a complaint: I’m not happy to be aging. Don’t get me wrong — It’s definitely better than the alternative of death. (I’m fully aware that the non-aging circumstance of Adaline only exists on screen.)

Just when I feel like I am mentally hitting my prime, my body begins to betray me. A list of complaints:

1. Wrinkles
When did this crow land on my face? What is happening to me? I went to see a plastic surgeon to discuss removing a weird vein on my leg. My leg! But he took one look at my face and said, “You need Botox. You probably should consider a forehead lift.” Gee, thanks.

2. Crepey skin
Whose zombie hands are these? I use sunscreen and plenty of potions to keep my paws supple.  Why do they look like this?

Peach3. Slower metabolism
There’s more of me than there should be. It would be easily remedied with regular visits to the gym. Ain’t nobody got time for that. So I’m on what I call my Cruise Diet. (So called because I did it last year in preparation for our summer cruise. I didn’t want anyone to see me on deck and try to throw me back in the water.) You may ask, “What is this diet?” Think of everything you like to eat and drink. Yeah, well, you can’t have any of it. No dairy, sugar, pasta, grains or alcoholic beverages. I’m reduced to eating grass clippings and palm fronds. It works, though.

4. Jacked-up joints
Last weekend, I was peacefully curled up on the couch enjoying a marathon of recorded episodes of “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (’cause this gal can’t stay up that late). I stood up to get some unsweetened tea (the only thing I can drink besides water) and my hip gave out. That’s a WTF moment if I’ve ever had one. I had to laugh. It’s not funny, though. Not really.

5. Memories
Last week, I actually started a sentence with, “Back in my day.” Good GOD! What have I become? I remember a world without cable, remotes, computers and cellphones. Excuse me while I retrieve my walker.

I’m at that point where I know I’m too old for certain clothes (crop tops), certain activities (climbing on top of the dryer to reach something on the top shelf in the laundry room) and certain people (no Nathan Kress — yes, Freddie from iCarly — unless he hunts cougars).

The wisest are the most annoyed at the loss of time.
— Dante Alighieri

So thanks, Life. Thanks for giving me the wisdom to realize how good my 20s were.

Yours in dismay,
Granny Beth

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The so-called Religious Freedom laws in Indiana and Arizona are polarizing, to be sure, and the events in Ferguson, Missouri, and beyond are more than disturbing. I thought we had evolved past the point of Other = bad. Not so. I was naive and stupid to think that because I believe difference = good, everyone else does too. This difference of opinion is not good. Ironic, I know.

I want welcoming and accepting voices to speak louder than those of people who do not believe all are created equal. Here’s another voice to add to the concert: Brian Harper in this guest post.

Dear gay people: 

You are my people and I love you. We should never tolerate being treated as lesser than anyone. If fact, no one should. It is nothing short of painful hearing religious leaders and politicians openly condescending to us daily. Imagine the message that kids are getting who are still figuring themselves out. It’s no wonder so many gay youth are committing suicide. This country is largely not a welcoming place, despite being referred to as the melting pot of the world. 

However, I’m really disappointed and sometimes shocked by the amount of name calling and hatefulness a lot of our community throws out at those who don’t agree with us. I understand and feel the anger and the pain and the frustration. How can people want so badly to control us and take away our simple happiness? Still, we have to do better. We can fight the good fight without tarnishing ourselves in the process. It’s easy to lash out towards ignorance with more ignorance. I’m guilty of it myself. I’m also acutely aware of how we are perceived the the statement we make with how we present our arguments. It’s important that we lead with love and empathy, wherever we can find it. Not everyone who thinks differently than us is bad. Most of them are just fearful of what they don’t understand. Sometimes it seems easier to beat people into submission, but that’s exactly what they are trying to do to us, and we deserve better. 

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Honi soit qui mal y pense*

being-away-clarity-insane-thinking-of-you-ecard-someecardsDear Villain in My Life:

Hi there! It’s been a while since I thought of you. I hear you are at it again, though, smiling coolly while your internal evil furnace blasts away.

If people only knew all the lies you’ve told. You got what you wanted, but look at the cost. (Wait … do you see the cost? Hmmm … maybe not. You always were quite short-sighted.)

I think you actually believe some of the stories you’ve told though; you’ve told the lies enough times that you now think they are true. Don’t worry; I still remember what really happened. I have proof if you ever need a reality check.

Villainy, when detected, never gives up, but boldly adds impudence to imposture.
— Oliver Goldsmith

Someday I will make you a character in a book I write and I’ll use your words and deeds to make millions. I wouldn’t even have to write well. Just look at E.L. James’ success!

For me, living well really is the best revenge.

You, of course, are living the life you deserve.

Carry on,
Beth

* Motto of the Order of the Garter (Translation: Shamed be he who thinks evil of it.)

Knock at your own risk!

Guest post by C. Brenon Day

To whoever is reading this and thinking about knocking on my door:

I go to work at 4 a.m. and need to sleep, or I am working on a painting that needs my full attention.

In the interest of time management, please see the warning category that might apply to you.

Family or friends: Bring sweet tea, chocolate and/or french fries. Call me on my cell.

Republican: Isn’t there a group you need to be suppressing or a book burning that needs organizing?

Democrat: Shouldn’t you be out trying to organize a protest or applying for a job?

Independent: You have Republicans and Democrats knocking on your own door, so why are you on my porch?

Green: You must be high. There is a gas station just down the street. They have Cheetos and Cheerwine. I don’t.

Tea Bag Party: There is a woman thinking about voting on something. Don’t y’all have rules in your manifesto against that? Go check your copy at home.

Religion representatives: Yes, I have found him. We are discussing your future outcome right now, in fact.

Alarm companies: Don’t mind that click; it’s just me turning the safety off. Oh, and if you see the large dog muzzle laying in the yard just leave it. I’ll pick it up on the way to my court-ordered anger-management meeting.

Yard care services: Question for you: If I bury a dismembered body in the yard, do I need to fertilize next year or will that be enough?

Cleaning supply or housekeeping care services: I know how to get blood out of carpet and get rid of DNA and fingerprints off of most surfaces, so I’m good, thanks!

All others: Just don’t.

Have a great day!


Dear Sir:

You look like a well-put-together gentleman ready for a day of traveling with meetings upon arrival. You’ve taken pride in your appearance. Your shirt is crisp, shoes shined. You look like you have some sense.

I’m beginning to think that looks can be deceiving.

Why are you watching videos on your phone with the volume turned up as loud as it can go? You are aware that this is a public place, being an airport and all, right?

Please sir, use headphones or wait until you are alone. Match your wits to that sharp appearance. Your fellow travelers will thank you.

Sincerely,

Beth

 

Dear Embassy Suites Baymeadows Management:

My friend Tammy and I stayed at your property recently. I made the reservation via the hotel website, which indicated that the atrium was under renovation. I didn’t understand this to mean your hotel is a full-blown construction site. 



The atrium, such as it is





View from the breakfast table



View from the room



I really don’t think you should be open during this renovation.

I certainly don’t think you should be hosting an anime convention AND trying to accommodate regular guests, all while under construction. 



Furries saunter through the atrium



It was like an anime prom: high school kids chaperoned by beleaguered parents



Complete with dance party



And puppy pile of those too exhausted to dance



For “regular” guests, there was nowhere to go for peace. The pool was even overrun by a pack of hormonal teen boys.



It was an … interesting experience. It wasn’t one I’d like to repeat. So please post this warning on your website to spare others the discomfort we felt:

Warning: Hotel is a construction site that may be infested with teenagers high on testosterone and/or the thrill of trading Pokemon cards.

That should do it.

Thanks for your consideration,

Beth

Merinda_Epstein_job_interviewDear Job Seeker:

You did it: You made it to the in-person interview. You do not, however, have the job yet. Don’t get comfortable. Nowadays, the hiring process is a marathon for job seekers, not a sprint.

Here are Auntie Beth’s Top Five Tips for Sealing the Deal in the In-person Interview:

  1. Dress appropriately. Auntie Beth keeps saying this, so it must be important. IT IS! Research the organization and know how employees dress at work. You should dress one or two steps up the fancy ladder. At Auntie Beth’s organization, suits and dresses are de rigueur. Imagine her surprise when a fellow wore jeans to his interview.
  2. Pay attention to hygiene. Please bathe, fix your hair, brush your teeth, clip or polish your nails, shine your shoes, etc., in preparation for your interview. Take pride in your presentation. Auntie Beth don’t want no scrubs.
  3. Prepare for interview questions. If you have been interviewed over the phone or via Skype, then you already know what kinds of questions organization representatives will ask you. Now is the time to tighten up those answers. Know the points you want to make about your education, experience, work ethic and goals that make you the right fit for the organization. (These are called “talking points,” boys and girls!) Match key details to the job description. For example, if they ask you to tell them about yourself, do not share your biography from age 3 to present in a 20-minute monologue. Simply offer a few sentences about what makes you the best candidate for the position. If they ask you about your greatest achievement, do not respond, “Getting off the pole.” (Auntie Beth heard that true story  from a friend at a staffing firm. The candidate stated that she still had her pimp, though.)
  4. Remember that you are still in an interview. Do not ask for a larger office (another true story), a refrigerator and microwave in that larger office (true again), or comfortable couches so people can “hang out” (yep, also true).
  5. Have fun! This is perhaps the most important part. Yes, Auntie Beth knows you are nervous, but you need to show your personality. You will spend at least 40 hours at work each week with these people. You likely will spend more time with your work colleagues than you will with your friends and family. Do you like them? Do they like you? Smile and turn on the charm.

Auntie Beth believes in you. Carpe diem!

In other words, seize the day,
Beth

Skype your way to success

2013.09.27.skype-conversationsDear Job Seeker:

If things go well at the job fair, the next step might be a Skype interview. Auntie Beth is here to help.

Auntie Beth’s Top Five Tips for Acing the Skype Interview:

  1. Use a professional handle. Use your name or an appropriate variation (e.g., WriterBeth). (You can save “HoochieMama12” for your chats with friends.)
  2. Art direct your space. Find an appropriate location that looks professional. A home office is a good spot. A garage with recycling bins behind you is not.
  3. Troubleshoot your equipment. Run tests with friends or family to make sure everything is working properly. Set up your laptop/iPad/computer on a stable surface that is eye level. Don’t even think about holding your iPad in your hands for the interview.
  4. Dress appropriately. Wear interview attire. Just because you might be at home doesn’t mean professional dress doesn’t apply. Don’t try to disguise sweats by wrapping yourself in a big scarf. Have some sense!
  5. Remember that this is a bona fide interview. For the love of all that is holy, do not take your laptop into the kitchen to make a sandwich during the interview. (True story, says Auntie Beth.) Look into the camera and answer questions the way you would in an in-person interview.

May the bandwidth be ever in your favor,
Beth

 

Fair thee well, Job Seekers!

'I'd like a job as a job creator so I can create an easy, high paying job for myself.'

Dear Job Seeker:

Auntie Beth is here with more advice to help you get a job. This is the first of a three-part series on interviewing: Making the Most of the Job Fair, Acing the Skype Interview, and Sealing the Deal in the In-person Interview.

Auntie Beth’s Top Five Tips for Making the Most of the Job Fair:

  1. Do your research. Find out which companies will be at the job fair and what jobs are open. Tailor your résumé to fit each position you want.
  2. Come prepared. Based on your research, make a list of what positions are open where and which résumé fits. (Type A people, this is where you can color-code some folders!) Put your tailored résumés in a proper carrier, such as a nice leather bag. Do not shove them in a ratty North Face backpack.
  3. Dress for success. Wear proper interview attire. Do not wear jeans and a hoodie to a job fair. (This seems like common sense to Auntie Beth, but you’d be surprised at what she has seen with her very own eyes.)
  4. Be ready for an impromptu interview. If company representatives like what they see in your résumé, they will want to talk to you right then. Formulate responses to key questions. Auntie Beth was shocked recently when a candidate simply wanted to drop off a résumé at a booth and was not prepared to be interviewed that moment. It’s a job fair, people — that’s why you are there!
  5. Talk to everyone. Even if companies you are interested in do not have a job open that is right for you, talk to representatives anyway. Give them a résumé. Let them know what kind of job you would be suited for in their organization. If you are personable and seem like the right fit for the company, chances are good that they will remember you later. Don’t forget to ask for business cards and follow up with a nice note.

Doing well at the job fair may be the difference between being gainfully employed or being 35 years old, eating a steady diet of government cheese, thrice divorced, and living in a van down by the river!

Yours in motivation,
Auntie Beth

E78PostOffice
Dear USPS deciders-in-chief:

I avoid the Fahm Street branch of the U.S. Postal Service in Savannah because the agents working there are always so unpleasant. Today was by far the worst “service” I’ve ever experienced. What follows is exactly what happened to Eddie, the kids and me today when we arrived for our passport renewal appointment referenced in my last post.

Scene: Two women working the counter. Each has a customer. I am the next person in line.

Woman 1: (Nametag covered by sweater) Can I help you?
Me: I’m here to renew a child’s and an adult’s passport.
Woman 1: (Looks at me blankly for at least five seconds while I look back. It lasts so long that I begin to wonder if I had actually spoken words to her.) The child doesn’t have to be here to renew the passport.

(This seems like an odd thing to say. It doesn’t change my reason for standing in front of her.)

Me: Yes, he actually does, along with both parents.
Woman 2 (to Woman 1): (As if we are not standing there) Do they have an appointment?
Woman 1 (to me): Do you have an appointment?
Me: Yes, at 2:15.
Woman 1: (Sighs and goes to get a book from the back then returns to the counter) Your name?
Me: Concepción
Woman 1: (Looks at me as if my name is an affront to all that she values in life, then looks at the book again) What’s that name?
Me: Concepción. C-O-N-C-E-P-C-I-O-N. 2:15 today.
Woman 1: (Apparently finding my name) Wait over there or in the chairs. It doesn’t matter. She’ll be with you in a moment.
Me: Who will be with me?
Woman 1: (Indicates Woman 2 with her head)

Waiting commences. We watch Woman 1 be unfriendly to four more customers. Woman 2 finishes passport paperwork for her customer.

Woman 2: (To the whole lobby, even though we are standing four feet in front of her and facing her) Concepción!
Me: I have a child and adult passport renewal.
Woman 2: (Nametag reads “Mrs. B. Mobley”) We don’t do adult renewals here.
Me: (Smiling and trying to be friendly) OK, but I can mail it from here.
Mrs. B. Mobley: (Looks at me in a hostile manner) Yes.

I hand her my materials. She looks at Dominic’s photo.

Mrs. B. Mobley: This photo is not the right format. The face is too close. Our camera is broken. You can send it in anyway and see if they contact you.
Me: I followed the instructions on the U.S. Department of State website …
Mrs. B. Mobley: (Cutting me off) That is not my concern. I asked you if you wanted to send it in as is and see if they process it or contact you for a different photo.
Me: (Noting her condescending tone and reflecting my dissatisfaction with a tightness around my eyes and mouth) Yes. I want to send it in.

She fills out paperwork while I make sure Eddie’s renewal paperwork is in order. In a very clipped tone, she requests various things such as signatures, a check for the renewal, and a $25 processing fee (!). (I have to pay for the five minutes it takes to have this paperwork processed by a surly employee?)

Me: (After watching how she attaches Dominic’s photo to the application) May I borrow your stapler? (She hands it to me with a sigh.) I just put it on like you just did?
Mrs. B. Mobley: (No answer. Just a nasty look.)
Me: (Thinking “Why you gotta be so mean?“) How much is the renewal fee for adults?
Mrs. B. Mobley: $110.
Me: And I just put this all in an envelope and send it off? There’s nothing else?
Mrs. B. Mobley: (Still condescending) That’s how it works.

She finalizes Dominic’s paperwork. I finalize Eddie’s and mail it off. The process is over, thankfully. This is 20 minutes of perhaps the worst customer service I’ve ever experienced.

Do you deliberately seek the most ill-natured people you can find for your customer service positions? These two women have no business dealing with the public.

Look, we all know the USPS is in trouble and hemorrhaging money. Don’t you think you could help your situation by improving customer service? Stop advertising and start improving the experience for the people who are paying you. It’s your only hope!

Screen Shot 2015-01-15 at 3.27.38 PM

I would rather gnaw off my own arm than go to the Fahm Street location again. There are other passport locations. For my mail needs, I’ll continue using my local post office. The people are inept, but at least they are nice.

Sincerely,
Beth

*apologies to Holiday Inn