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They’re up all night to get lucky

March 16, 2014 by Beth

Dear Revelers in Room 479:

I’m so glad you are having what appears to be a rip-roaring time. I wanted to invite the front desk person to your party, but (lucky for you, I guess) he/she did not answer the phone.

Here’s a tip for your next party: Don’t have it in your hotel room at 4 a.m. Parties like that tend to raise the ire of people in other rooms — say one across the hall and down four doors down.

It was kind of a shock to be startled out of a sound sleep by slamming doors and hollering by grown men and women. It took me back to my college years in Traer Hall.

Thank you for giving me that extra time to get in a few more levels of Candy Crush before my early flight. I think I’ll leave you a thank you note when I head out of the hotel.

With malice in my heart,
Beth

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My new pen friend

March 1, 2014 by Beth

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Dear Colonel Al-Kurdi Malik:

Thank you for your recent email. You are clearly a busy man — what with leading the Free Syria Army and all — so I feel honored that you chose me as a correspondent along with other “undisclosed recipients.”

During this personal discussion, could you explain how the Free Syria Army (FSA) is different from the Free Syrian Army (FSA)? I’ve heard of the latter and am familiar with it as the Western-backed rebel group fighting Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Is the Free Syria Army a group of discount hunters or part of the Freegan movement?

According to various news reports, Brigadier General Abdul-llah al-Bashir is the leader of the Free Syrian Army. There’s a Colonel Malik al-Kurdi who is the deputy commander of the FSA. Is that you?

If so, congratulations on the promotion to “leader.” What happened to that al-Bashir guy? He only lasted a week!

With all due respect as I know English is not your first language, maybe you should proofread your emails. I’m sure you didn’t really want to send me a “massage.” (Although, I do feel fairly tense right now.)

In addition, here’s another bit of advice: If you want to protect your identity as you indicate, maybe you shouldn’t grant interviews to various media outlets.

Anyway, thanks for writing. I can’t wait to be your pen pal!
Beth

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Forward to the Past!

February 27, 2014 by Beth

Dear AWP Program Directors:

I’m mystified by something that happened this morning. Please help me make sense of it.

One of you complained that prospective students often ask her this:

What job am I going to get?

The overwhelming majority of the rest of you laughed as if to say this:

Oh, how silly! Why would someone ask something so crazy?

She went on to lament “consumer culture.”

Wait just a hot second. Are students not consumers of a product, albeit an intangible one? In return for their money, time and effort, they earn a degree and, one hopes, a job.

Why is this bad?

I talked to the woman who made the comment. She said she got her M.F.A. because she is an artist. I said:

But don’t you want to get paid for your artwork?

Then I found out she is a poet. Oh. And she represents a poetry degree program. OH!

That explains her situation, but what about the rest of you? I appreciate art for art’s sake, but it is better when you can make a living doing what you like best. No?

This seems to me to be another example of AWP acting like an ostrich.

Weren’t you just talking about the rising cost of college and increasing student debt load? Don’t you want to help students get a job so that they can pay off the college education that helped them get a job?

I’m confused. Please help me understand.

Sincerely,
Beth

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To Sir With Love

February 21, 2014 by Beth

Dear Men:

I’ve been traveling more than usual lately, and I’ve had occasion to observe you without you knowing you are being observed. (No, we’re not talking about stalking; it’s called “people watching,” for Pete’s sake!)

I want to save you from yourselves. Here is a short list of things you like and that you seem to think women like. I promise that we don’t. (Yes, I know I’m generalizing. Stay with me here.)

Women don’t like:
1. Soul patches.
2. Clinging to the hair you think you have. (When in doubt, be boldly bald.)
3. Pants with pockets on your hips (i.e. Wrangler jeans). Are these supposed to make you look trim? They don’t.
4. Talking to women on planes when they clearly are involved in a rousing game of Candy Crush Saga.
5. Air guitar solos.
6. Pants that belt below the curve of your butt. Stop. It.
7. Accidental-on-purpose-I’m-just-scooting-past-you penis grazes.
8. Loud cell phone conversations where you dog a coworker for “responding poorly to the situation.” (We don’t think you are important. You just seem like a jerk.)
9. Waiting for the restroom on the plane with your crotch in their faces. Please turn away.
10. That awful frat boy hair. You know, this:

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Here are some general things women DO like:
1. To be left alone on planes, in restaurants, at bars when they are by themselves playing Candy Crush Saga.
2. Quiet time on the airplane. (See No. 1.)
3. Personal space.
4. Not to be called “little lady.”
5. Wine.
6. The good chocolate. (Richart, for example. None of that Whitman’s crap.)
7. You, if you are interesting and have a good sense of humor.
8. But only if the woman appears to want to engage in conversation to find that out.
9. Seeing you clean the house, empty the dishwasher, and take out the trash (if the relationship progresses, of course).
10. Not being approached from behind when they are emptying the dishwasher.

I’m just trying to help you. Let me know if you need more advice.

Sincerely,
Beth

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Tips for surviving weather delays

February 12, 2014 by Beth

Hey Kids!

Auntie Beth has some cool tips for you to help you get through those nasty flight cancellations. Check ’em out!

1. When the agent at the so-called “elite” number can’t get you home until Sunday when you were supposed to be home Wednesday, say, “Sure, that’s fine!” to whatever she books. Then go talk to the gate agent.

2. Be nice to the gate agent. Joke that you are going to get all loud and obnoxious  if they can’t get you home sooner. Of course, you are just joking!

3. When that gate agent finds you a flight Saturday, say, “Thanks,” then tease that maybe the other agent can do a better job. Ha ha! Oh, we’re all friends here.

4. What the what?!? The other gate agent CAN do better and gets you on a flight Thursday. Yay! Thank that person (named Sean) profusely.

5. Remember to be nice: Gate agents named Sean can give you cool stuff like meal vouchers that restaurants may or may not use, taxi vouchers to Boston from Manchester, N.H., and travel vouchers to someplace wonderful during spring when there are no snow/ice delays.

6. Make sure to get a taxi driver who complains, “I don’t want to drive to Boston.” It’s better when he repeats that phrase every 10 minutes for an hour.

7. Share the cab with a similarly displaced traveler. You’ll make new friends while making sure the cabbie is less likely to dump you on the side of the road.

8. Use your meal vouchers for wine. Dull that pain of not being home with your long-suffering husband and kids.

9. Take some wine to go. You’ll need it in your hotel room when you only have Matt Lauer and Candy Crush to keep you company.

10. Wash your underwear in the sink. Come on, it will be fun! Channel the spirit of your inner pioneer woman.

Tune in next time when Auntie Beth gives you tips on surviving Logan airport during THE BIGGEST STORM OF THE CENTURY.

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Warning: Iceholes Ahead

January 29, 2014 by Beth

Dear Savannah Leaders:

Thank you for erring on the side of caution and closing businesses and schools. What am I doing at home today? Wearing sweatpants, enjoying a fire, and watching Atlantarctica 2014 on CNN.

Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal and Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed are playing the politicians’ favorite sport: dodgeball. Deal even claimed meteorologists got the forecast wrong.

Um. No. No they didn’t. (Full disclosure: I am a meteorologist. For real.)

Winter storm forecastAnyone with more than ice between his ears would have known what kind of storm was coming.

Anyone who wasn’t a snowman would have had enough heart to encourage school and business leaders to close up shop.

Anyone with more than a light dusting of sense would have mobilized the sand trucks.

Sadly, Atlanta’s leaders didn’t really learn from mistakes made in 2011.

As a result, children were stranded in schools and on buses. Commuters’ drives took many hours. Hundreds even abandoned their cars.

Atlanta snowMany shacked up in churches, fire stations, Home Depot. Though sleeping on patio furniture is preferable to the side of the road, it did not have to happen.

They should have been at home. Safe. Better safe than sorry.

I bet Deal, Reed and other leaders are sorry now.

Meanwhile, we in Southeast Georgia got the “wintry mix” we expected (sleet, freezing rain) but not quite the amount. No meteorologist I know promised snow.

Car glaze

imageWe shouldn’t be driving in icy conditions and we are not. So thank you, Savannah leaders. You did the right thing.

Maybe you can teach Atlanta’s old dogs some new tricks.

Warm and dry,
Beth

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Warning label needed

January 13, 2014 by Beth

Dear Natural Science Industries:

I’m writing in reference to this product:

0004240949005_500X500May I make a suggestion? Please include a warning on the box that notifies purchasers that the process takes at least a month.

That’s right: one month.

Oh, and that the tumbler sounds like an airplane taking off.

And it must run continuously.

Let’s recap: If you use this item, your house will sound like an airport every moment for at least 28 days.

Potential purchasers need to know this. Please warn them accordingly.

I thank you from the bottom of my bloody ear canal.

Sincerely,
Beth (mother of Gideon, who likes rocks)

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Happy birthday, 2014!

January 1, 2014 by Beth

Dear 2014,

Well, 2013 came in sucky and left the same way (flu, among other issues). While there were a few positive moments, the year was a tough one.

But 2014, I like the looks of you already. In your honor, I’ve made some resolutions.

I resolve to:

  1. Buy this. (Note: We tried a muffin tin. It didn’t work.)
  2. Watch “Breaking Bad.” (Finally.)
  3. Vacation in Amsterdam on a houseboat or cruise the Rhine with our best friends.
  4. Write more blog posts about the strange things that fascinate me*.

    That sounds about right.

    That sounds about right.

  5. Refuse to feel guilty for simply being happy to keep my children alive day to day.
  6. Care less about the constant snubs from members of Eddie’s family (his birthday, my birthday, boys’ birthdays, other important life events).
  7. Focus more on mutually satisfying relationships with friends (give and take, as opposed to us constantly giving).
  8. Devote more time to eating bread and cheese and other things that are not so good for me.
  9. Watch this regularly for a good laugh.
  10. Avoid making any more resolutions.

Welcome, 2014! Let’s treat each other well. OK?

Love,
Beth

* The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 14,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

 

 

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One last topical post

December 24, 2013 by Beth

Dear Readers (if I have any left):

After radio silence for a month, I give you two posts in two days. What the what?! I know!

I woke up this morning singing that old chestnut “The 12 Days of Christmas” — with a twist. I realized this is the topical post I should have written yesterday:

(Apologies to English composer Frederic Austin)

By Christmas 2013, the media gave to me (sing with me now):

Robin’s boob obsession
Rob Ford’s flagrant crack use
Paula and the “N” word
Weiner’s wiener scandal
Miley Cyrus twerking
Obama’s website screwup
Baldwin’s use of THAT word

More Zimmerman (hold it out for emphasis)

Megyn Kelly’s misstep
The Duck dude’s homophobia
Kingston’s callous comment
And a dumbass on a British Air flight.

Now just try to get that song out of your head.

You’re welcome.
Beth

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My letter to Santa (guaranteed to piss off someone)

December 23, 2013 by Beth

Dear Santa,

I’m running a bit late on this letter and I apologize. Clearly, I need plenty of help this year. I wish I could have given you more notice; I don’t think the elves can whip up the things on this list.

To borrow from Dr. Seuss and his Grinch:

Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store.
Maybe Christmas … perhaps … means a little bit more!

Here’s what I want for Christmas:

1. Some freakin’ patience. I’ve been with my children almost nonstop for weeks and there’s more to come as school is out. I’m trying to limit the “no more wire hangers” moments, but it’s rough.

2. A good, old-fashioned smiting. I know that’s usually God’s area, but I thought maybe you could help out a little with the hypocrites screaming that Phil Robertson‘s Freedom of Speech was violated. A&E isn’t the government, Freedom of Speech does not equal Freedom from Consequences, and weren’t these the same people calling the Dixie Chicks traitors?

3. Awareness of others for certain people. They clamor for attention daily (especially on Facebook) but cannot be bothered to remember other people’s birthdays or other important events.

4. Relief from some of the holiday trappings. Call me Scrooge, but I despise the Elf on the Shelf, “The Nutcracker,” and Christmas cards that start arriving right after Thanksgiving. (I hate them because that means the senders have their shit together. I don’t, especially when it come to cards. I’m thinking New Year’s cards sound good. In 2015.)

5. An end to the ridiculous “Merry Christmas” flap. Look, some people are sensitive to the fact that many people don’t celebrate Christmas. It’s not an attack against Christianity to say “Happy Holidays.” Is there NOTHING else to worry about? Oh wait … see No. 2.

6. The chance for Jack Kingston to live within a poor person’s means for a week. Maybe then he will understand that we are not all born equal. Low-income families certainly don’t choose to be low income. To suggest that children sweep floors to earn their subsidized lunches is beyond crass. He’s a real-life Mr. Potter!

7. Blake Shelton.

8. A silencer for anyone who wants to talk about Crossfit. It works. It’s great. Now shut up. It’s like this:

religion-is-like-a-penis

9. Some cold weather. It doesn’t feel like Christmas when it is 77. Does Mrs. Claus need to make another appeal to the Miser Brothers? (My tropical husband disagrees, but whatever.)

10. A return to robustness for the aforementioned tropical husband. He’s been in bed with a fever since Friday. It means I don’t have to worry about No. 8, but that’s sad for him.

Oh yeah, and peace on earth and goodwill to men (which I’d like to include marriage equality and an end to racism and classism, but maybe that’s just me). Also, an end to poverty.

You may not be able to deliver. If not, I understand. It’s short notice, plus it’s a tall order. I know. And we regular humans should really be doing a better job of walking the walk of loving and understanding our neighbors. (Uh oh. Didn’t I just ask for a smiting? All right. I’ll take the coal.)

Thanks anyway. See you tomorrow night!

Still a believer,
Beth

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