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“Work comes from work”

March 31, 2014 by Beth

970249_539592979431185_1168549634_nDear Job Seeker:

Auntie Beth is here to help you get that dream job, or at least something that may lead to your dream job. Just so you know, kids, Auntie Beth has never been unemployed, or even underemployed. Auntie Beth has worked her heinie off since the tender age of 15 when she scooped ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. Auntie Beth has no sympathy for whiners.

If you want to work, there are jobs out there for you. “Work comes from work,” said the great sage Jerry Saltz, art critic for New York Magazine, at a recent SCAD event. It is a full-time job to get a full-time job. Get out of your robe, get off Facebook, and get going.

Here are Auntie Beth’s Top Five Tips for Getting a Job:

1. Rework your résumé. Put everything on one page. Yes, ONE PAGE. People don’t have time to sift through your stuff looking for interesting nuggets. Make it easy. Tailor your résumé for each listing. Use their keywords. If you have gaps in employment, use the header “related experience.” If your education is the best fit for the job, put that first. If it is your experience, put that first. Persuade people with your résumé that you are the perfect fit.

2. Do your research. Once you know that an organization is hiring, find out everything you can. What are the organization’s strengths and weaknesses? How can you contribute? What are your unique skills that would be valuable to the organization’s goals? This will help you take on No. 3 below, and will help you if you make it to the interview stage.

3. Use your cover letter to persuade by offering proof. Your cover letter should consist of three main paragraphs. In the first paragraph, explain how you found out about the job. If someone in the organization gave you a lead, NAME DROP. Explain why you want the job and are the best candidate. In the second paragraph, prove how you were successful in previous jobs and tie your proof to what they want. If they say they want someone with time-management skills, don’t just write, “I have excellent time-management skills,” prove it by writing, “I was able to juggle three college courses while working two full-time jobs — one of which named me ‘Sales Leader of the Month.'” In the third paragraph, reiterate why you are the best and explain what you will do next (i.e. “I will call you in two weeks to set up a meeting to discuss the position.”). Then do it. You cannot be passive. (Although if the ad says, “no calls,” you have to respect that.)

4. Network. Use your vast Facebook friends list for good: Tell everyone that you are looking for a job. Tell them what you can do and what kind of job you want. Ask former colleagues and supervisors to endorse you on LinkedIn. Join groups so you get notifications of open positions. Most people get jobs because of people they know. One of my former students tracked down the information on the person doing the hiring for a position he wanted. It turns out that the person and I worked together and are still Facebook friends. He asked for a reference, which I willingly gave because he is industrious and I like him. The chance of you finding a job through simply responding to ads on monster.com is next to nil. Most people will go out of their way to help you and connect you with people they know who are hiring. Follow up on all of those leads and then thank each person in writing.

5. Put on your big girl panties or big boy pants and get out there. Dress for the job you want. Jeans and a hoodie are not going to cut it. Invest in a suit. It is an investment that will pay off handsomely. Go in person in that suit to organizations where you want to work. Drop off your résumé. Be friendly and energetic. They’ll be impressed, I promise. A student of mine did that and had a great job in less than 24 hours. Remember: The worst thing anyone can do is say, “No.” It’s scary but you must do it.

Remember: Your job is to get a job. If you cannot pay for your own living expenses without help, then you are either a student or you are underemployed and need a better job.

Don’t be afraid to take a good job just because it isn’t exactly what you want. Cliché alert: It is a foot in the door and a step in the right direction toward the “right” job — and it pays the bills in the meantime.

Now go get ’em, Tiger. Make Auntie Beth proud!

 

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An offer I can definitely refuse

March 27, 2014 by Beth

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Dear Mr. Rashid,

Thank you for your recent email, which appears to be a forwarded recommendation letter from Gregory T. Hagan. While I’m certainly happy Mr. Hagan was pleased with your services, it might behoove him to proofread his letter. As a writing professor and fan of the English language, I am mortified to see that the letter is one huge run-on sentence. Additionally, is “Hem” a person on your staff or is that your nickname? Or perhaps did Mr. Hagan mean “him” here? Why is his name misspelled in his email address, and why is it included at the end of the recommendation letter, making it look like that is the way to contact you?

If I had been asked to assist Mr. Hagan, I would have edited the letter to read as follows:

I am writing to recommend the services of Abdulla Rashid. I was in urgent need of a loan of $8,000 to pay my bills. A friend recommended Mr. Rashid, who helped me immediately. My family and I are now happy. Please contact him if you are in need of any kind of loan. 

I’m dismayed that you would use such a poorly written letter as the first contact with me. It really makes me wonder whether it would be wise to use your services when I have to question your attention to detail. And really, you should have written me yourself first, then provided his recommendation letter as a supplement.

Also, why is your organization offering loans in the first place? Your boilerplate indicates that you provide “innovative plastics solutions.” I see nothing on your website about loans and I see no Abdulla Rashid Salem Jumaan listed on the team biography page.

For these reasons, I must decline your implied offer to loan me money. Thank you anyway. Please send my regards to Mr. Hagan and encourage him to take an English composition course.

Sincerely,
Beth

Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged , , | 2 Comments »

They’re up all night to get lucky

March 16, 2014 by Beth

Dear Revelers in Room 479:

I’m so glad you are having what appears to be a rip-roaring time. I wanted to invite the front desk person to your party, but (lucky for you, I guess) he/she did not answer the phone.

Here’s a tip for your next party: Don’t have it in your hotel room at 4 a.m. Parties like that tend to raise the ire of people in other rooms — say one across the hall and down four doors down.

It was kind of a shock to be startled out of a sound sleep by slamming doors and hollering by grown men and women. It took me back to my college years in Traer Hall.

Thank you for giving me that extra time to get in a few more levels of Candy Crush before my early flight. I think I’ll leave you a thank you note when I head out of the hotel.

With malice in my heart,
Beth

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My new pen friend

March 1, 2014 by Beth

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Dear Colonel Al-Kurdi Malik:

Thank you for your recent email. You are clearly a busy man — what with leading the Free Syria Army and all — so I feel honored that you chose me as a correspondent along with other “undisclosed recipients.”

During this personal discussion, could you explain how the Free Syria Army (FSA) is different from the Free Syrian Army (FSA)? I’ve heard of the latter and am familiar with it as the Western-backed rebel group fighting Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Is the Free Syria Army a group of discount hunters or part of the Freegan movement?

According to various news reports, Brigadier General Abdul-llah al-Bashir is the leader of the Free Syrian Army. There’s a Colonel Malik al-Kurdi who is the deputy commander of the FSA. Is that you?

If so, congratulations on the promotion to “leader.” What happened to that al-Bashir guy? He only lasted a week!

With all due respect as I know English is not your first language, maybe you should proofread your emails. I’m sure you didn’t really want to send me a “massage.” (Although, I do feel fairly tense right now.)

In addition, here’s another bit of advice: If you want to protect your identity as you indicate, maybe you shouldn’t grant interviews to various media outlets.

Anyway, thanks for writing. I can’t wait to be your pen pal!
Beth

Posted in Grammar, etc., Politics, Random | Tagged , | Leave a Comment »

Forward to the Past!

February 27, 2014 by Beth

Dear AWP Program Directors:

I’m mystified by something that happened this morning. Please help me make sense of it.

One of you complained that prospective students often ask her this:

What job am I going to get?

The overwhelming majority of the rest of you laughed as if to say this:

Oh, how silly! Why would someone ask something so crazy?

She went on to lament “consumer culture.”

Wait just a hot second. Are students not consumers of a product, albeit an intangible one? In return for their money, time and effort, they earn a degree and, one hopes, a job.

Why is this bad?

I talked to the woman who made the comment. She said she got her M.F.A. because she is an artist. I said:

But don’t you want to get paid for your artwork?

Then I found out she is a poet. Oh. And she represents a poetry degree program. OH!

That explains her situation, but what about the rest of you? I appreciate art for art’s sake, but it is better when you can make a living doing what you like best. No?

This seems to me to be another example of AWP acting like an ostrich.

Weren’t you just talking about the rising cost of college and increasing student debt load? Don’t you want to help students get a job so that they can pay off the college education that helped them get a job?

I’m confused. Please help me understand.

Sincerely,
Beth

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Posted in Random, Technology, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 2 Comments »

To Sir With Love

February 21, 2014 by Beth

Dear Men:

I’ve been traveling more than usual lately, and I’ve had occasion to observe you without you knowing you are being observed. (No, we’re not talking about stalking; it’s called “people watching,” for Pete’s sake!)

I want to save you from yourselves. Here is a short list of things you like and that you seem to think women like. I promise that we don’t. (Yes, I know I’m generalizing. Stay with me here.)

Women don’t like:
1. Soul patches.
2. Clinging to the hair you think you have. (When in doubt, be boldly bald.)
3. Pants with pockets on your hips (i.e. Wrangler jeans). Are these supposed to make you look trim? They don’t.
4. Talking to women on planes when they clearly are involved in a rousing game of Candy Crush Saga.
5. Air guitar solos.
6. Pants that belt below the curve of your butt. Stop. It.
7. Accidental-on-purpose-I’m-just-scooting-past-you penis grazes.
8. Loud cell phone conversations where you dog a coworker for “responding poorly to the situation.” (We don’t think you are important. You just seem like a jerk.)
9. Waiting for the restroom on the plane with your crotch in their faces. Please turn away.
10. That awful frat boy hair. You know, this:

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Here are some general things women DO like:
1. To be left alone on planes, in restaurants, at bars when they are by themselves playing Candy Crush Saga.
2. Quiet time on the airplane. (See No. 1.)
3. Personal space.
4. Not to be called “little lady.”
5. Wine.
6. The good chocolate. (Richart, for example. None of that Whitman’s crap.)
7. You, if you are interesting and have a good sense of humor.
8. But only if the woman appears to want to engage in conversation to find that out.
9. Seeing you clean the house, empty the dishwasher, and take out the trash (if the relationship progresses, of course).
10. Not being approached from behind when they are emptying the dishwasher.

I’m just trying to help you. Let me know if you need more advice.

Sincerely,
Beth

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Tips for surviving weather delays

February 12, 2014 by Beth

Hey Kids!

Auntie Beth has some cool tips for you to help you get through those nasty flight cancellations. Check ’em out!

1. When the agent at the so-called “elite” number can’t get you home until Sunday when you were supposed to be home Wednesday, say, “Sure, that’s fine!” to whatever she books. Then go talk to the gate agent.

2. Be nice to the gate agent. Joke that you are going to get all loud and obnoxious  if they can’t get you home sooner. Of course, you are just joking!

3. When that gate agent finds you a flight Saturday, say, “Thanks,” then tease that maybe the other agent can do a better job. Ha ha! Oh, we’re all friends here.

4. What the what?!? The other gate agent CAN do better and gets you on a flight Thursday. Yay! Thank that person (named Sean) profusely.

5. Remember to be nice: Gate agents named Sean can give you cool stuff like meal vouchers that restaurants may or may not use, taxi vouchers to Boston from Manchester, N.H., and travel vouchers to someplace wonderful during spring when there are no snow/ice delays.

6. Make sure to get a taxi driver who complains, “I don’t want to drive to Boston.” It’s better when he repeats that phrase every 10 minutes for an hour.

7. Share the cab with a similarly displaced traveler. You’ll make new friends while making sure the cabbie is less likely to dump you on the side of the road.

8. Use your meal vouchers for wine. Dull that pain of not being home with your long-suffering husband and kids.

9. Take some wine to go. You’ll need it in your hotel room when you only have Matt Lauer and Candy Crush to keep you company.

10. Wash your underwear in the sink. Come on, it will be fun! Channel the spirit of your inner pioneer woman.

Tune in next time when Auntie Beth gives you tips on surviving Logan airport during THE BIGGEST STORM OF THE CENTURY.

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Warning: Iceholes Ahead

January 29, 2014 by Beth

Dear Savannah Leaders:

Thank you for erring on the side of caution and closing businesses and schools. What am I doing at home today? Wearing sweatpants, enjoying a fire, and watching Atlantarctica 2014 on CNN.

Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal and Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed are playing the politicians’ favorite sport: dodgeball. Deal even claimed meteorologists got the forecast wrong.

Um. No. No they didn’t. (Full disclosure: I am a meteorologist. For real.)

Winter storm forecastAnyone with more than ice between his ears would have known what kind of storm was coming.

Anyone who wasn’t a snowman would have had enough heart to encourage school and business leaders to close up shop.

Anyone with more than a light dusting of sense would have mobilized the sand trucks.

Sadly, Atlanta’s leaders didn’t really learn from mistakes made in 2011.

As a result, children were stranded in schools and on buses. Commuters’ drives took many hours. Hundreds even abandoned their cars.

Atlanta snowMany shacked up in churches, fire stations, Home Depot. Though sleeping on patio furniture is preferable to the side of the road, it did not have to happen.

They should have been at home. Safe. Better safe than sorry.

I bet Deal, Reed and other leaders are sorry now.

Meanwhile, we in Southeast Georgia got the “wintry mix” we expected (sleet, freezing rain) but not quite the amount. No meteorologist I know promised snow.

Car glaze

imageWe shouldn’t be driving in icy conditions and we are not. So thank you, Savannah leaders. You did the right thing.

Maybe you can teach Atlanta’s old dogs some new tricks.

Warm and dry,
Beth

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Warning label needed

January 13, 2014 by Beth

Dear Natural Science Industries:

I’m writing in reference to this product:

0004240949005_500X500May I make a suggestion? Please include a warning on the box that notifies purchasers that the process takes at least a month.

That’s right: one month.

Oh, and that the tumbler sounds like an airplane taking off.

And it must run continuously.

Let’s recap: If you use this item, your house will sound like an airport every moment for at least 28 days.

Potential purchasers need to know this. Please warn them accordingly.

I thank you from the bottom of my bloody ear canal.

Sincerely,
Beth (mother of Gideon, who likes rocks)

Posted in Parenting | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

Happy birthday, 2014!

January 1, 2014 by Beth

Dear 2014,

Well, 2013 came in sucky and left the same way (flu, among other issues). While there were a few positive moments, the year was a tough one.

But 2014, I like the looks of you already. In your honor, I’ve made some resolutions.

I resolve to:

  1. Buy this. (Note: We tried a muffin tin. It didn’t work.)
  2. Watch “Breaking Bad.” (Finally.)
  3. Vacation in Amsterdam on a houseboat or cruise the Rhine with our best friends.
  4. Write more blog posts about the strange things that fascinate me*.

    That sounds about right.

    That sounds about right.

  5. Refuse to feel guilty for simply being happy to keep my children alive day to day.
  6. Care less about the constant snubs from members of Eddie’s family (his birthday, my birthday, boys’ birthdays, other important life events).
  7. Focus more on mutually satisfying relationships with friends (give and take, as opposed to us constantly giving).
  8. Devote more time to eating bread and cheese and other things that are not so good for me.
  9. Watch this regularly for a good laugh.
  10. Avoid making any more resolutions.

Welcome, 2014! Let’s treat each other well. OK?

Love,
Beth

* The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 14,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

 

 

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