Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Tragicomedy in Carolina

May 7, 2013 by Beth

Dear Friends in South Carolina:

I need you to explain something to me. How is it possible that Mark Sanford is a viable candidate for the 1st Congressional District seat vacated by Rep. Tim Scott? I realize that this district skews Republican. I get it. But even Republicans can’t possibly want to vote for THIS Republican.

Let’s recap his behavior as S.C. governor in June 2009:

Sanford and his lady love

Sanford and his lady love

His wife, Jenny, divorced him. Smart lady.

Even people in his own party called him out.

Irrational behavior. Lies, lies, lies. (Sen. Jake Knotts)

Yet S.C. voters haven’t kicked him to the curb. In fact, polls indicate that he and his Democratic rival, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, are neck and neck.

Elizabeth Colbert Busch

Yes, she’s a Democrat asking for a traditionally Republican seat. Yes, she’s the sister of Stephen Colbert, which works against her in some circles. But COME ON!

You’re going to believe THIS guy when he starts talking about ethics and values?

I believe in second chances, but this is ridiculous.

So I ask you, my friends: How is Sanford a viable candidate? Please tell me the polls just made the race look close. Please tell me he won’t win the special election today. Please.

Hello?

Sigh.
Beth

*UPDATE: He freakin’ won!

Posted in Politics | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments »

Bear this in mind

April 30, 2013 by Beth

Rainbow Inn

Dear Ladies of 703,

Well, here it is: the update on my stay at the Rainbow Inn.

When I first saw it, I wanted to abort the mission and race back down the mountain to find a Hilton. But that’s a little daunting when your GPS looks like this:

GPS

Also, I had already paid. Plus, as I am always telling you all, unusual experiences make great stories. This was bound to be an interesting experience, as this is what greeted me when I parked:

Rainbow bear

As I walked up the path, another creature greeted me. This one said his name was Alan and he had just spent 11 days in a tent. He was looking for a room for the night, but no one was inside. Instead, there was a note on the door.

Note

A note on the open door! This ain’t no Hilton.

No, this is a throwback to a different time where the words “rainbow” and “bear” didn’t automatically lead to assumptions.

This is a place where the aforementioned Alan can wander into the guest lounge in his bathrobe, sit down next to you on the couch for a chat, and it doesn’t seem like an advance from a creep.

This is a bed and breakfast where Windean will make you a to-go breakfast burrito if you can’t make the sit-down at 9 a.m. She’ll even make sure you know it’s yours by sticking a cute tag on it:

Burrito note

This is a place where you get to “town” by hopping from rock to rock to cross a creek.

This is a place where you abandon your preconceived notions and go with the flow.

I was glad I did.

See you Wednesday!
Beth

Posted in Random | Leave a Comment »

A post about an email that is a ‘rough f—— ride’

April 25, 2013 by Beth

Rebecca Martinson

Dear Rebecca Martinson,

I read today that you resigned from Delta Gamma after the email you wrote when you were (ahem) upset went viral.

Your sisters at University of Maryland had this to say in a collective statement on the chapter’s Facebook page:

This is a regrettable action by a college junior, a personal email that is now on view for a global audience.

And as all reasonable people can agree, this is an email that should never have been sent by its author. Period.

Yeah, maybe. But it truly was a work of genius. You said, in a diatribe that involved (by my count) 63 expletives and insults, what you honestly thought about the women in Delta Gamma who were not contributing to the events planned by the sorority.

Yeah, maybe you should have said all these things at a chapter meeting instead of writing them down.

Still, you said what needed to be said. Those of us who are overachievers and commit to something are constantly irritated by the folks who half-ass their way through life. We’ve written that same email in our heads, but perhaps without your elegance (and ability to boot an awesome phrase into the public lexicon).

It’s not really fair to call you “deranged” or “rabid.” You were just pissed, and for what seems like good reason.

Don’t even get me started on people using your letter as an excuse to bash sororities. That’s like scapegoating a faith because of a couple of crazies. Oh wait …

(Full disclosure: I was — am — a Chi Omega. I learned time management skills, made lifelong friends, and even got a great job in part because one of the women interviewing me also was a Chi O.)

It’s probably smart that you resigned and are now lying low until some other scandal catches attention. I don’t know what you are majoring in at University of Maryland, but I hope it is something to do with writing. (I’m guessing it’s probably not PR, though). You definitely have talent.

Wishing you the best,
Beth

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments »

Proof of a gay agenda: blog infiltration

April 5, 2013 by Beth

Explanation of this post: Sometimes there’s only so much a straight girl can say in support of The Gays (and I promise this is the last post this week about this topic). Luckily, Chris, a friend of mine who happens to be gay, allowed me to share this letter he recently sent to an old high school “friend” who sent him a Facebook inbox message to tell him he couldn’t send him a friend request. Yes, you read that right.

http://www.someecards.com/confession-cards/gay-marriage-protest-straight-supreme-court-funny-ecard

Dear XXXXXXX,

Thanks for your message. I’m sorry that I don’t share your sadness about not being able to send me a friend request due to your concerns about my “immortal soul.” I would like, however, to point out that I’ve been doing just fine without your “friendship” for the past 30 years since graduation. And as I recall, I did fine without it then too. Unless of course you consider knowing each other’s names as “friendship.” Please don’t feel obligated to “pray for me.” Your prayers would be better used asking whomever you pray to for more important things, such as some intelligence, fashion advice or at the very least, the willpower to lose some weight.

Although we won’t be reminiscing about past good times together (we had none) or talking about my family (I’d be embarrassed for them to know you) or even discussing current events (you’ve obviously failed to grow up and are emotionally stunted so I’m sure holding an adult conversation would be challenging for you), I’m sure this will leave more time for your obvious other interests of attending Klan rallies, making love to farm animals, and looking up Bible verses to include in messages. (FYI, “Leviticus” is spelled the way I typed it; there’s no “a.”)

So take care. No need to write back. (It just takes too long for me to translate your misspellings, typos and grammatical errors.) I wish you the best (and by that I mean that you can kiss the darkest part of my ass).

My best to your fat wife (let her know those roots could use a touch up) and if they can stand to touch you, hug your kids for me.

Chris šŸ™‚

Posted in Politics | Tagged , | 4 Comments »

Stuck on Sue

April 3, 2013 by Beth

Dear Readers:

I realized that I was a little too earnest in yesterday’s post. Ludicrous comments call for ludicrous responses though. Below is what I should have posted.

Enjoy!
Beth

Imaginary letters to Sue Everhart after her comments to the Marietta Daily Journal:

Fake letter to Sue Everhart

Fake letter to Sue Everhart

Fake letter to Sue Everhart

Fake letter to Sue Everhart

* An accident like this one

* Sound familiar?

Posted in Politics | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

A joy named Sue

April 2, 2013 by Beth

Sue Everhart

Dear Sue Everhart:

Congratulations for putting the Peach State in the headlines! Of course, it is for all the wrong reasons. Your comments to the Marietta Daily Journal reinforce the all-too-common notion that the South is full of bigoted idiots.

Remember that Mark Twain quote about being stupid? Let me refresh your memory:

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Let’s recap your concerns about legalizing same-sex marriage:

  1. Straight people will pose as gay to reap benefits.
  2. Gay people don’t have the proper “equipment” to have sex.
  3. Gay parents influence their children’s sexual orientation.

Oh wow. Really, Sue? Really?

For once, I am speechless. I’m so shocked that someone would actually believe these things, let alone say them to a reporter. I don’t even know where to begin.

You start your diatribe by stating, “I’m going to get in trouble over this …”

Yes, Sue, you are. At least, I hope so. I hope there are enough rational people in Georgia and the nation to educate you on the subject of what gay people do and don’t do, can and can’t do, will and won’t do (as if “they” are any different from everyone else). But will you listen?

Georgia Trend named you one of the 100 Most Influential Georgians (2008, 2011, 2012), so you are used to people listening to you. How I hope this trend won’t continue.

At the very least, you may have to check in with your constituents before the next election. The tide is turning against haters like yourself.

Remember what you said after the November 2012 election?

image

“By the people, of the people and for the people” includes gay people too, as inconvenient as that is for you.

Or maybe this was just a poor attempt at an April Fools’ Day joke. Right, Sue?

Sue?

Sigh.
Beth

Posted in Politics | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments »

This Easter morning blows

March 31, 2013 by Beth

Leaf blower jerk

Dear Jackass with a Leaf Blower:

I’m sure you thought you were being efficient by clearing the way for Easter sunrise service attendees.

Sunrise means dawn, though. And the beach is a popular vacation spot. People on vacation like to sleep. Often, they choose the beach so that they can be lulled by the gentle sound of the ocean.
Leaf blowers are not a gentle sound. At 5:19 a.m., they are not a welcome addition to a beach vacation.

What were you blowing, anyway? Tybee isn’t exactly New England in the fall, sporting a lush carpet of leaves.

Were you blowing sand? Why? People coming to a sunrise service at the pier have to accept a little sand. It is the beach, for crying out loud.

If I see you again, I’m going to use your leaf blower for another purpose. (Let me give you a hint: Your next colonoscopy will be easy breezy.)

I want you and your obnoxious friends — you know, the car alarm, barking dog and loud, drunk girl — to get off the island.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Beth
Tybee

Posted in Random, Religion (or lack thereof) | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

Panic on the 10th floor

March 23, 2013 by Beth

image

Dear WebMD:

Thank you for making me feel better last night — eventually. First you scared the crap out of me.

Some background: On the plane ride to New York, I had read an article about a woman with ALS who is working through her bucket list as she prepares for the eventuality of the disease. The article described the symptoms, of course.

Fast forward to last night. Suddenly my left arm started to hurt. And then I felt numbness and tingling in my fingers. Thinking about the article, I started to panic.

Note: My husband sometimes paints me as a hypochondriac. I’m not. I don’t always think there is something wrong with me. On the rare occasions when there IS something wrong with me, I just assume the worst (i.e., a headache is an aneurysm). Anything but that is better, right? So I’m always relieved.

You helped me check out my symptoms. As it turns out, my symptoms fit the ones for a heart attack also. Insert panic.

Am I having a heart attack in this hotel room? Will I die and be found tomorrow by Verna, the housekeeper assigned to my room? Should I call Eddie?

The answer to that last question is always “no.” I did that to him once when I was in France. I had a severe headache (the worst of my life), so of course I assumed I had viral meningitis. I told him that via text and promptly went to sleep. I woke up much later and felt GREAT! He was feeling not-so-great, if the 22 worried text messages, missed calls and emails were any indication.

Back to Panic Central. I did not have shortness of breath or a tightness in my chest, so I kept searching. Another entry noted that joint pain can result from a fall when the person has tried to brace herself.

Oh. Riiiiight. That.

The day before, I fell rather spectacularly on 47th Street. I broke my fall with my hands. Aha.

Satisfied that my arm pain was innocuous, I went to sleep. My arm feels fine today.

So thank you, WebMD. You’re still one of my best friends.

See you soon, I’m sure!
Beth

P.S. Here’s a funny video imagining social media sites as people at a party. You are my favorite.

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments »

Take it easy

March 21, 2013 by Beth

Dear Apostrophe:

You really need a vacation. You clearly are overworked. I’ve lost track of all the times you’ve had to show up unnecessarily on a sign.

Here’s an example of what I mean:

"Sunday's"

I guess the sign’s writer thought the S would be lonely without you. You and I both know that the letter can get by on its own. No need to call you in.

I wish you could assert yourself. Just say “no” to incorrect possessives. I wish I could do something to help beyond calling attention to your situation with this blog.

Take some of your friends — the quotation marks for example — and run away for a while to rest up. They need a vacation too:

There's more wrong here than just quotation mark overuse. (Photo courtesy of Karla Knudsen)

There’s more wrong here than just quotation mark overuse. (Photo courtesy of Karla Knudsen)

I hear the Maici River in Brazil is lovely this time of year. You’d get a welcome respite among the PirahĆ£.

Just know I’ll only request you in an emergency. You know, one of the following situations: showing possession (“Is that Gideon’s dirty sock?”),Ā  making contractions (“No, it’s Dominic’s dirty sock.”), and indicating when a letter is deliberately left out (“Did Eddie just call me a dirty ol’ ‘ho’?”). And you never have to worry that I’ll mistake you for your doppelgƤnger, the single quotation mark.

Wishing you a happy vacation,
Beth

Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Note to the Back Bay boor

March 18, 2013 by Beth

Brownstone Boston

Dear Sean, patron of the Boston bar Brownstone:

I admire your confidence as a single man out on the town. However, I’d like to give you a couple of tips:

1. It is almost always a waste of time to approach two women who are clearly engaged in a serious discussion.

Julia and I hadn’t seen each other in a year. We had to catch up. We saw you staring at us across the counter two feet away, but we did not make eye contact with you for a reason.

2. You are asking for trouble if you try to insert yourself anyway.

I admit that it was an ingenious move to leave your drink on the other side of the counter, then reach through us to retrieve it. Yes, we had to pay attention to you. It was not the kind of attention you wanted, though.

3. Don’t put your coat on top of the coat on the chair of one of the women you want to pick up.

Julia didn’t know you. She didn’t want your nasty coat on top of hers.

4. Come up with better compliments than “I like your glasses” and “I like your curls.”

That’s it? That’s all you had?

5. Dipping is gross.

And if you ARE going to dip, don’t take the wad out of your mouth and stuff it in your pocket when one of the women makes fun of you for dipping. That’s even more disgusting.

6. If women tell you they are gay, that is a clear sign they are not into you.

They may be gay, or they may be heterosexual women claiming to be gay to get you to leave. Either way, they are clearly not an option for you.

Brownstone Boston

See that counter between the pillars? That’s the scene of the crime.

The moment you went to get another drink, we seized our opportunity to escape. I hope you appreciate these tips (and the fact that I brought you your coat before we left).

Better luck next time!
Beth

P.S. If you bear a strong resemblance to Joran van der Sloot, so much the worse for you.

Posted in Random | Tagged , , | 2 Comments »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »