Dear Readers:
I realized that I was a little too earnest in yesterday’s post. Ludicrous comments call for ludicrous responses though. Below is what I should have posted.
Enjoy!
Beth
Imaginary letters to Sue Everhart after her comments to the Marietta Daily Journal:
Posted in Politics | Tagged Media, Peeves, Politicians, Rage, The Gays | Leave a Comment »
Dear Sue Everhart:
Congratulations for putting the Peach State in the headlines! Of course, it is for all the wrong reasons. Your comments to the Marietta Daily Journal reinforce the all-too-common notion that the South is full of bigoted idiots.
Remember that Mark Twain quote about being stupid? Let me refresh your memory:
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Let’s recap your concerns about legalizing same-sex marriage:
Oh wow. Really, Sue? Really?
For once, I am speechless. I’m so shocked that someone would actually believe these things, let alone say them to a reporter. I don’t even know where to begin.
You start your diatribe by stating, “I’m going to get in trouble over this …”
Yes, Sue, you are. At least, I hope so. I hope there are enough rational people in Georgia and the nation to educate you on the subject of what gay people do and don’t do, can and can’t do, will and won’t do (as if “they” are any different from everyone else). But will you listen?
Georgia Trend named you one of the 100 Most Influential Georgians (2008, 2011, 2012), so you are used to people listening to you. How I hope this trend won’t continue.
At the very least, you may have to check in with your constituents before the next election. The tide is turning against haters like yourself.
Remember what you said after the November 2012 election?
“By the people, of the people and for the people” includes gay people too, as inconvenient as that is for you.
Or maybe this was just a poor attempt at an April Fools’ Day joke. Right, Sue?
Sue?
Sigh.
Beth
Posted in Politics | Tagged Media, Peeves, Politicians, Rage, The Gays | 2 Comments »
Dear Jackass with a Leaf Blower:
I’m sure you thought you were being efficient by clearing the way for Easter sunrise service attendees.
Posted in Random, Religion (or lack thereof) | Tagged Bright ideas, Peeves, Rage, Travel | Leave a Comment »
Dear WebMD:
Thank you for making me feel better last night — eventually. First you scared the crap out of me.
Some background: On the plane ride to New York, I had read an article about a woman with ALS who is working through her bucket list as she prepares for the eventuality of the disease. The article described the symptoms, of course.
Fast forward to last night. Suddenly my left arm started to hurt. And then I felt numbness and tingling in my fingers. Thinking about the article, I started to panic.
Note: My husband sometimes paints me as a hypochondriac. I’m not. I don’t always think there is something wrong with me. On the rare occasions when there IS something wrong with me, I just assume the worst (i.e., a headache is an aneurysm). Anything but that is better, right? So I’m always relieved.
You helped me check out my symptoms. As it turns out, my symptoms fit the ones for a heart attack also. Insert panic.
Am I having a heart attack in this hotel room? Will I die and be found tomorrow by Verna, the housekeeper assigned to my room? Should I call Eddie?
The answer to that last question is always “no.” I did that to him once when I was in France. I had a severe headache (the worst of my life), so of course I assumed I had viral meningitis. I told him that via text and promptly went to sleep. I woke up much later and felt GREAT! He was feeling not-so-great, if the 22 worried text messages, missed calls and emails were any indication.
Back to Panic Central. I did not have shortness of breath or a tightness in my chest, so I kept searching. Another entry noted that joint pain can result from a fall when the person has tried to brace herself.
Oh. Riiiiight. That.
The day before, I fell rather spectacularly on 47th Street. I broke my fall with my hands. Aha.
Satisfied that my arm pain was innocuous, I went to sleep. My arm feels fine today.
So thank you, WebMD. You’re still one of my best friends.
See you soon, I’m sure!
Beth
P.S. Here’s a funny video imagining social media sites as people at a party. You are my favorite.
Posted in Random | Tagged Bright ideas, Death, Illness, WebMD | 3 Comments »
Dear Apostrophe:
You really need a vacation. You clearly are overworked. I’ve lost track of all the times you’ve had to show up unnecessarily on a sign.
Here’s an example of what I mean:
I guess the sign’s writer thought the S would be lonely without you. You and I both know that the letter can get by on its own. No need to call you in.
I wish you could assert yourself. Just say “no” to incorrect possessives. I wish I could do something to help beyond calling attention to your situation with this blog.
Take some of your friends — the quotation marks for example — and run away for a while to rest up. They need a vacation too:
There’s more wrong here than just quotation mark overuse. (Photo courtesy of Karla Knudsen)
I hear the Maici River in Brazil is lovely this time of year. You’d get a welcome respite among the Pirahã.
Just know I’ll only request you in an emergency. You know, one of the following situations: showing possession (“Is that Gideon’s dirty sock?”), making contractions (“No, it’s Dominic’s dirty sock.”), and indicating when a letter is deliberately left out (“Did Eddie just call me a dirty ol’ ‘ho’?”). And you never have to worry that I’ll mistake you for your doppelgänger, the single quotation mark.
Wishing you a happy vacation,
Beth
Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged Apostrophes, Peeves, Punctuation, Quotation marks, Signs | Leave a Comment »
Dear Sean, patron of the Boston bar Brownstone:
I admire your confidence as a single man out on the town. However, I’d like to give you a couple of tips:
1. It is almost always a waste of time to approach two women who are clearly engaged in a serious discussion.
Julia and I hadn’t seen each other in a year. We had to catch up. We saw you staring at us across the counter two feet away, but we did not make eye contact with you for a reason.
2. You are asking for trouble if you try to insert yourself anyway.
I admit that it was an ingenious move to leave your drink on the other side of the counter, then reach through us to retrieve it. Yes, we had to pay attention to you. It was not the kind of attention you wanted, though.
3. Don’t put your coat on top of the coat on the chair of one of the women you want to pick up.
Julia didn’t know you. She didn’t want your nasty coat on top of hers.
4. Come up with better compliments than “I like your glasses” and “I like your curls.”
That’s it? That’s all you had?
5. Dipping is gross.
And if you ARE going to dip, don’t take the wad out of your mouth and stuff it in your pocket when one of the women makes fun of you for dipping. That’s even more disgusting.
6. If women tell you they are gay, that is a clear sign they are not into you.
They may be gay, or they may be heterosexual women claiming to be gay to get you to leave. Either way, they are clearly not an option for you.
See that counter between the pillars? That’s the scene of the crime.
The moment you went to get another drink, we seized our opportunity to escape. I hope you appreciate these tips (and the fact that I brought you your coat before we left).
Better luck next time!
Beth
P.S. If you bear a strong resemblance to Joran van der Sloot, so much the worse for you.
Posted in Random | Tagged Beer and wine, Peeves, Travel | 2 Comments »
Dear WordPress:
I’m super annoyed at the fact that you decided to delete one of my posts. Here’s evidence that I actually posted something Feb. 22:
Were you trying to protect the woman I was complaining about, or did you simply make a big fat mistake?
To recap, I was irritated with the woman whose children have music lessons the same day as mine. Her child is a complete brat, but I believe he behaves that way because she allows it. A friend of mine pointed out that it could be that her son has developmental delays or learning challenges. I did consider that, and maybe he does. However, I’ve been observing his behavior and hers for more than three months now and I’m convinced that she is causing the problem or exacerbating an existing problem.
Here’s some evidence:
My point in the post was that she clearly needs help in the form of a therapist, nanny or more involved husband or partner. I wasn’t so much telling her how she needed to parent her son, just that I would like her to make sure her son is not a huge disruption in the music lesson waiting room.
Maybe it is a good thing you deleted the former post, because now I have new information to share.
The son’s behavior was out of control this week, yet she had the nerve to give us parenting advice. WTF?!?
Check this out (faces obscured to protect the guilty):
That’s the kid lying in the middle of the floor. On the right is a guy carrying a large something and he needs to get by. On the left is the mom not doing anything. Only after the guy struggled to get past did she say anything.
The mom: Can you sit up in the chair?
The kid: NO!
In fact, he moved himself more into the center of the room. Then she stepped over him and LEFT THE ROOM to talk on her cell phone!
Later, she overheard Eddie telling one of the instructors he was sorry Gideon hadn’t practiced as much as usual. She piped up with this beauty:
Here’s what I do with my children: I offer a reward every time they practice their instruments.
Seriously, Woman? You feel you are in a position to offer any parenting advice at all? Notice my child in the photo above. See how he is sitting quietly, looking on in amazement at what the your kid is doing?
Now I do have some advice for you: STFU.
As for you, WordPress, don’t you dare delete this post!
Sincerely,
Beth
Posted in Random | Tagged Kids, Parenting, Peeves, Rage | 1 Comment »
Dear East Dublin Lions Club Members:
I was shocked to learn today that you have decided to cancel the 2013 Redneck Games. According to the Associated Press article, there are four reasons for this decision:
No. 1 is a lame, catch-all excuse, so I won’t even address that.
No. 2 and 3 go hand-in-hand, but it is your own fault: You moved the successful festival from July to Memorial Day Weekend last year. What were you thinking? Surely you weren’t surprised that only a few hardcore fans (ahem … folks like me … ahem) showed up. And the ratio of attendees to media people was about 3:1.
Media attention, Redneck Games 2012
That brings us to No. 4 (maybe this should have been No. 2 — har har). First of all, YUCK! Get that cleaned up! Second, just stop people from going in the river. No big deal. Give ’em some hoses or a set up a sprinkler and they will be fine.
Redneck Riviera, Redneck Games 2011
I hope you will reconsider. If you embraced technology, got your website up to scratch, and started using social media effectively, you could build on all the media attention from years past and have an amazing, well-attended festival.
You should not deny the public the ability to see this:
Bobbin’ for pigs’ feet, Redneck Games 2010
Or this:
Mudpit belly flop, Redneck Games 2010
Or even this:
Stylish attendee, Redneck Games 2011
Please reconsider. Don’t let me down.
Old times, they are not forgotten,
Beth
Posted in Random | Tagged Media, Politicians, Rednecks, Requests | Leave a Comment »
Dear St. Valentine:
I understand we have you to thank for the most dreadful of all holidays. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen. You were just hanging out, performing illegal Christian marriages, curing the random blind girl, etc. Then Claudius II got his panties in a wad and killed you in 269 AD. Of course he didn’t do it himself; he had someone else carry out the three-part killing of beating, stoning and decapitation. That must have been loads of fun.
But before you died, you had to go and write that note to the formerly blind daughter of your jailer, signing it “from your Valentine.” Way to go. Now it’s a “thing.”
Yes, I know that Chaucer had a hand in creating this holiday too. Apparently, no one celebrated this day until he wrote “Parliament of Foules” around 1375. He manages to link love with St. Valentine’s feast day–an association that didn’t exist until after his poem received widespread attention.
For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne’s day
Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate
So why am I so grumpy? I just think it is over-commercialized crap. It is a holiday that makes so many people feel awful. Unhappily single people hate it because it is a reminder of their relationship status. Many married couples hate it because it puts pressure on each person to get the “right” gift or make the “best” plans.
It’s a waste of money.
If you love someone, shouldn’t you show it every day of the year and not one Hallmark-dictated day?
Yes, I’m a Valentine’s Day Scrooge. (I do like those yummy conversation hearts, though.)
Sorry, V. It’s not you. It’s me.
Anyway, I hope you can rest in peace with all those people looking at your skull every day.
XOXO,
Beth
St. Valentine hangs around in his glass box in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome (image courtesy of Rebecca Weldon)
Posted in Random | Tagged Holidays, Peeves, Valentine's Day | 2 Comments »
Warning: This post contains graphic images of medical conditions.
Dear Donald G. McNeil Jr.:
Thank you for speaking to students in my class yesterday, and for speaking to a larger group of students later. I enjoyed meeting you and hearing your tales about covering “germs and worms.”
I too have a fascination with disease. Though I do not write about it for The New York Times, I do write. Readers of this blog are forced to go with me occasionally down the rabbit hole of information about horrible things.
I learned about two new disorders this week: Cancrum Oris and Buruli Ulcer.
Cancrum Oris is straight out of a horror movie. Otherwise known as “Noma,” Cancrum Oris is a type of gangrene that only affects the face, and only appears in children. It is caused by two different bacteria and usually shows up after another serious disease such as measles or scarlet fever.
Look away now if you don’t want to see.
Antibiotics and improved nutrition can help this disorder from getting worse. And then there’s plastic surgery, which is sadly out of the realm of the possible for many of these poor children. (There is a reason they are malnourished.)
Buruli Ulcer is a tropical disease caused by a bacteria in the leprosy and tuberculosis family. It starts innocently with a simple nodule. It affects skin and can get into the bone. Fun!
Warning: All kinds of terrible up ahead!
The good news is that a vaccine is in development.
But you, as the Germ Guru, must know all this already.
I just wanted you to know that I share your fascination.
Thanks again for visiting and I hope to see you again soon.
Yours in pestilence,
Beth
Posted in Random | Tagged Death, Definitions, Disorders | Leave a Comment »
