Observe and report

Dear Founding Fathers,

I know you won’t read this because, you know, you are dead and all, but I felt compelled to write.

And say, “Thanks.”

I don’t usually think about the Constitution, the Revolutionary War, and all that freedom jazz on a daily basis. Then I travel. And feel really freakin’ fortunate.

I’ve been roaming around the desert in 90-degree heat with everyone telling me how nice and cool it is now. Abu Dhabi is apparently Satan’s sweaty butt crack in the summer.

Maybe it is the heat that causes the crazy. Or maybe it is the money. New money. Oil money. “Look at me!” money. Shiny things sparkle. The abaya-clad ladies like crows flock to snatch them up, take them back to their concrete nests.

I want to say so much, but I have to tread carefully. There is a new law that says people can’t criticize the government. I think back to the recent U.S. election, a war fought on Facebook, and I have to laugh a little.

I see strange things — strange because of my American eyes. If I were Emirati, though, I would shrug and say, “No problem, no problem.” National Day approaches. It’s like the U.S. Fourth of July. National pride is especially strong right now, as the country celebrates 41 years. In 41 years, this gleaming city has sprung from sand — sand heated and pressed into windows and doors and walls.

Everywhere is something new. Here a new Guggenheim. There an extension of the Louvre. What’s this? A new maritime museum, also by 2030. Or so they say.

And everything has to be bigger, better, first. Tallest building? Check (Burj Khalifa in Dubai, tallest in all three areas of measurement). World’s biggest shopping mall? Check (Dubai Mall). World’s furthest-leaning man-made tower? Check (Capital Gate in Abu Dhabi).

But wait, there’s more.

The Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque (largest mosque in the U.A.E.) alone features the biggest dome in the world, houses the world’s largest hand-knotted carpet, and the biggest chandelier inside a mosque.

Largest mosque in the U.A.E.

World’s largest hand-knotted carpet

Biggest chandelier inside a mosque

Ferrari World (world’s largest indoor theme park) features the world’s fastest roller coaster, the Formula Rossa (150 mph). Oh, and the largest logo (on the roof).

The Emirates Palace Hotel (second most expensive hotel ever built [uh oh, what happened there?]) houses the world’s first gold vending machine.

You get the picture.

It smacks of desperation. A new country trying to make a big name for itself. Like the last child who is always the loudest, craving all eyes, all attention, all the love.

Meanwhile, logic has gone on holiday. For example, Al Raha Mall is right across the highway (six lanes) from the place where I am staying. Look at how close it is!

But it takes 15-20 minutes, five miles and four U-turns to get there. There is a flyover exit to get to the building next door, but it is not possible to use the same exit to get to the mall.

Emiratis will hire people to build sturdy concrete walls surrounding construction sites (it’s mandatory to hide them), and then tear down one part of the wall when they decide where the driveway or road needs to go.

The U.A.E. is full of great ideas — flashy, PR opportunities. But built on a foundation of shifting sand. It makes me proud of a similar entrepreneurial spirit — America’s foundation — but the difference is follow-through. And a full plan to start. Here, “no problem, no problem” often is a big problem.

It’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live here.

And I feel so fortunate to live in a place where I can talk some smack.

So thanks.

Stars and stripes forevah,
Beth