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They’re heeeere!

September 13, 2010 by Beth

All “Poltergeist” style, “they” have come. And by “they,” I mean the students who have appeared for fall quarter.

I’m happy the quarter has begun. No really — I am! It means I’m back to a regular schedule, and I can employ my stellar time-management skills. Plus, I’m teaching three classes I love to teach:

  • Writing for the Web (undergraduate)
  • Business and Professional Writing (undergraduate)
  • Business and Professional Writing (graduate)

What’s even better is that I only have a total enrollment of 22 for those three classes. Compare that with this summer (which shall be known henceforth as the Summer from the Bowels of Hell) when I had a total enrollment of 46 in three classes. Online. By the end of summer quarter, I needed reading glasses, and I could have used some medication.

But school is back in session, and all is well.

As Tangina said, “Cross over children. All are welcome. All welcome. Go into the Light. There is peace and serenity in the Light.”

Ah yes. Peace and serenity (and maybe some progress on my dissertation).

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“Wuv, twu wuv”

September 12, 2010 by Beth

So sayeth the “Impressive Clergyman” from “The Princess Bride.”

Eddie and I celebrated 15 years of “mawwage” on Thursday. We chose an easy-to-remember date — 9.9.95 — because neither of us has a good memory for important dates. (Charlotte, you can attest to that.)

A marriage that lasts this long is, sadly, rare among people our age. However, we are fortunate to know plenty of couples who are still married after many years. And then there’s Al Gore. Why would he and Tipper divorce after 40 years? That makes me sad.

We were at a wedding last weekend (congrats Deanna and Chris!) and the DJ asked married folks to dance together while he noted total years married. Couples were supposed to leave the dance floor when he passed their total. Most of the couples left the dance floor after he said, “Five years.” After “10 years,” we were the only ones left of our generation. Everyone else had a good 15 years on us.

An anniversary is a good time to reflect on the good times and the bad. Eddie and I have had our share of both. Our trip around the world was a good time. Watching my mom die was bad. So bad.

Some of our friends are going through a rough patch, and some are planning a wedding. If any of these friends asked us for words of wisdom, here’s what we’d say:

  1. Real life is not Hollywood. You don’t ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. You can be happy, but it takes work.
  2. It is the hardest, but most rewarding work you’ll ever do.
  3. Make sure you know how to work together and how to argue constructively before you have kids.
  4. Kids do not help a relationship, so don’t have them trying to “fix” it. (We didn’t do this, but we know plenty of people who did.)
  5. You can’t change the other person, you can only change how you react to him/her. (And you can gently point out some modifications you’d like to see.)
  6. A marriage is not only a love relationship, but a roommate situation as well. You are not always going to get along, but you need to learn to pick your battles. Argue about the things that really matter, and argue to compromise, not to win. (And if you say you do always get along and never argue, then you are either lying, or one of you has stopped caring enough to argue.)
  7. Some days you will not like the person you married. You will love him/her, but you will also want him/her to get the F out of your face. That’s OK, because you’ll feel differently the next day. Or the day after that.
  8. Trust is crucial. Live your life as if your partner is there at all times. If you wouldn’t do something (or say something) in front of your partner, then you shouldn’t do it at all.
  9. Because he/she is not there all the time, you have to be honest, especially if there is any potential weirdness. (For example, if I went out of town for a conference, and went to dinner with an old friend who happened to be male, I’d tell Eddie in advance. Like this: “Eddie, I’m going to LA at the end of October and I’m going to hang out with Matt.” See, that was easy.)
  10. Take time to cultivate. Especially when children are involved, life can turn into one big “to do” list, and conversations more often start with “Can you …?” or “Did you remember to …?” Remember why you married this person in the first place, and spend some alone time doing fun and/or romantic things.

Remember to always “tweasure your wuv.”

So sayeth The Rev.

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Ask and ye shall receive

September 6, 2010 by Beth

I am a lucky woman. Guess what the man below is carrying.

Loyal readers have guessed correctly, I’m sure. Yes, it is a box filled with bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Puffs.

The man is Toby, one half of the Jody and Toby team.

They are very dear friends of the family, and not just because they tracked down my favorite snack food.

My dad tried to help, but bought the crunchy version instead. (It is the thought that counts.)

I also received the following message from my friend Kelly:

All of these folks live in the Atlanta/North Georgia area where Puffs are plentiful.

Eddie thinks these kind people are enablers. Yes, that’s true. And I say, “Thank you, Enablers! Now I have Puffs aplenty.”

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Giving a rat’s ass

September 2, 2010 by Beth

Why are apostrophes so difficult for some people? Either something is possessing something or it isn’t. If it isn’t, then it just needs an “s.”

The person who writes the promotional materials for Monkey Joe’s needs a refresher course in the rules.

Let’s take a closer look:

What is that apostrophe doing there when “fundraisers” should be  a simple plural word? I’ll tell you what: making the person seem dumb.

And since I’m on the subject of appearing to be dumb, let’s talk about this phrase:

I could care less.

If you really could care less than you do, then that is correct. However, people usually use it to mean, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.” In that case, the correct phrase is:

I couldn’t care less.

And that means the speaker really doesn’t care at all.

If you use the wrong phrase,  you seem dumb to people like me who care about proper usage. And then I couldn’t care less about you.

Harsh? Maybe. Truthful? Yes.

Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments »

Lock up the pork belly!

August 31, 2010 by Beth

Apparently, when my friends, family and students see errors in the wild, they think of me. That makes my heart swell. Maybe someday I’ll get a book deal out of my passion for correcting other people. (Or maybe I’ll just get a punch in the eye …)

Anyway, it has been a good week for adding to my collection. My friend Chad sent this bit of loveliness:

It was in the Savannah Morning News, of course, but what is worse than that is that it is an AP story. So it made it through the AP editors AND the ones at the SMN.

But writing student Elizabeth sent me one that topped that by a long shot! Pan down to the bottom to enjoy this little slice of heaven:

According to Elizabeth, her mom ripped this page out of the menu. It is probably a good thing for the restaurant. You wouldn’t want to advertise that you have a victimized rabbit.

Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

Daddy issues

August 29, 2010 by Beth

(I hope my artist/designer friends will forgive me for the visual atrocity I am foisting on the world, but I this is important information.)

My Puff daddy failed me. I went back to get my fix, and all I heard were crickets chirping when I asked where my bags were.

There were none at Store No. 9 either, and the chunky, pimply, lunch-eating clerk rudely informed me they didn’t sell well and they would not be getting any more.

What’s an addict to do?

Well, put out an APB to her friends, for one.

If you see Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Puffs, please notify this authority immediately. Do not try to detain the suspect yourself. The suspect is considered flamed and delicious.

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“She hates time, make it stop”

August 22, 2010 by Beth

For reasons that should be obvious from some of my earlier posts, my anthem for this summer is Bowling For Soup’s 1999 song “1985.”


These lyrics in particular really resonate with me lately:

She’s seen all the classics, she knows every line
Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, even St. Elmo’s Fire
She rocked out to Wham!, not a big Limp Bizkit fan
Thought she’d get a hand on a member of Duran Duran

Where’s the mini-skirt made of snake skin?
And who’s the other guy that’s singing in Van Halen?
When did reality become TV?
Whatever happened to sitcoms, game shows, on the radio was

Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie and music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school they tell her that she’s uncool
‘Cause she’s still preoccupied with 19-19-1985
(Woo hoo hoo)

She hates time, make it stop
When did Motley Crue become classic rock?
And when did Ozzy become an actor?
Please make this stop, stop, stop!

I can’t stop time, and I can’t go back to my 20s, so I must find joy in the present. And in the present, I find joy in little things.

Here’s a non-comprehensive list in no particular order of 50 things of things that make me happy.

  1. Doing impressions with Eddie of Tim Gunn.
  2. When Gideon yells “I love you, Mama” in crowded places.
  3. A hot, hilarious, handy husband
  4. Deciding to give up hoping that certain people will stop saying mean, untrue things about Eddie and me.
  5. Realizing that my best will never be good enough for some people, and coming to terms with that (a corollary to the above).
  6. Greek yogurt
  7. Greek yogurt with pomegranate
  8. Montessori school
  9. An iTunes playlist on which artists such as Lady Gaga, Will Smith, Amy Winehouse, OK Go and the Dixie Chicks live together harmoniously.
  10. Kenny Chesney’s “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy“
  11. When my mother-in-law isn’t speaking to us
  12. “Everything” bagels
  13. That my father found a woman who makes him happy in his post-Mom life.
  14. Shopping for groceries
  15. Trying new recipes
  16. Having friends over
  17. Close female friends I’ve had for years who “get” me (Trish, Linda, Julia, Tina, Khaki, Heidi, Sophia and Terri come to mind)
  18. Funny male friends (Royce, Billy, Edgar, Alex, James, Ed, Michael — I’m talking about you)
  19. Facebook and Twitter
  20. Certain past and present students
  21. My Beer of the Month Club membership
  22. Grammar, punctuation and spelling errors in the wild because it means fodder for this blog
  23. Hearing the kids sing along to Owl City’s “Fireflies“
  24. Primary colors, especially blue
  25. Coffee, specifically in a Starbucks frappuccino
  26. That I killed a venomous snake by myself
  27. Entertainment Weekly and People magazines
  28. AP Style
  29. “Amazing Race,” “Survivor,” “Project Runway,” “Top Chef”
  30. Knowing how to make certain meals, such as empanadas with Spanish rice, without a recipe
  31. Dominic’s interest in science
  32. That Eddie and I know what each other is thinking with one look (a code look)
  33. Cheese
  34. Cranium
  35. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Puffs (of course)
  36. Chickens
  37. That I can figure out a way to get to New York roughly twice a year
  38. Week 10 of the quarter
  39. Apple products
  40. Leaves changing in the fall
  41. Christmas Eve
  42. A quiet house
  43. Candles
  44. Living near lakes, the ocean, and people with pools
  45. Petra’s strawberry cake
  46. Ida’s Iranian cutlets
  47. Dragonflies
  48. Zunzi’s
  49. “Walter the Farting Dog“
  50. Bedtime

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My Puff daddy

August 20, 2010 by Beth

Frito Lay is a Puff tease. Just like they did years ago, they got me hooked on the Flamin’ Hot Puffs, then took them away.

You may remember my addiction. If not, here’s my confessional.

I was down to my last bag, so I checked the “Where to Buy” section of the Frito Lay site. I was near two of the stores, so I went in. Both of them. Nothing.

Then I checked a couple more that were not as close.

Then it became an obsession. Dominic asked if we were going to keep “exploring.”

Yes, yes we were.

I finally scored two bags at Store No. 9. Crazed, I checked at two more stores on the way home. Again, nothing.

Store No. 12, the Ridhi Food Mart in Pooler, had one bag and a hookup: A manager said he would get more for me from one of their other stores.

Great. Now I have a dealer. I really do have an addiction.

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Publication envy

August 16, 2010 by Beth

I must confess that I am jealous of Jeff Deck and Benjamin Herson. “Who are they?” you might ask. If you did, then you are not one of the dozen or so people who have sent me the link to all the coverage of their amazing book, “The Great Typo Hunt.”

I used to read their blog, but now the blog seems more focused on their amazing book tour. A book tour. For writing a book about noticing and fixing typos. SIGH.

Maybe someday “Eats, Shoots and Lays” will be a book. But until then, I must be satisfied with noting errors on a small scale.

Lucky me, there is no shortage of errors.

In today’s mail, there was a doozy:

AFLAC is a fairly big company, no? So they must have some senior folks in charge of their unsolicited mailings. Well, whoever these folks are, they need to revisit the rules for apostrophes.

I’ll go a little easier on the produce manager at Piggly Wiggly because the mistake is not quite as public. (It didn’t go through the U.S. mail on the cover of an envelope.)

Hmm … “Beefstake” tomatoes. Like really chunky, flavorful tomatoes grown on a piece of wood stuck in the ground? Or like “beefcake” — muscular, handsome tomatoes? Oh it’s a darn heterograph tripping up our friend in produce. “Beefsteak” is the word he/she needs.

Speaking of public, this is about as public as it gets:

Stay classy, North Carolina!

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Avatar: The Last Sharpie

August 12, 2010 by Beth

Dominic and Gideon wake up before Eddie and I do. We’ve been strongly encouraging them to stay in their rooms and play quietly.

This morning, Eddie left very early to open the gym. Usually, the kids are up when he leaves at 6:30. Not this morning. I was pleased, thinking they were playing quietly or still sleeping.

I should have been worried.

About an hour later, I woke up again — this time to Dominic yelling, “Mama! I made Gideon look like Aang!”

Aang is the main character in “Avatar: The Last Airbender.”

And here is Gideon as Aang.

Yes, that is Sharpie permanent marker all over him (it was in Gideon’s room to mark his height chart). Here is the back view for your enjoyment:

(I promise we feed him. He’s going through a massive growth spurt.)

So cute. So awful.

The "artiste," "Aang" and Mona (who doesn't care what kind of crap anyone has on his face)

Dominic realized he had made a mistake when he saw the look on my face. He started saying he was sorry, but what could I do? I laughed. I laughed to keep from crying.

I guess I should be happy he has artistic talent.

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