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Posts Tagged ‘Aging’

Isn’t FOX News basically a scam targeting seniors? I can see why this administration wouldn’t want seniors to recognize a scam — like voting for a con man.

Hey kids!

Auntie Beth has a fun new game for you. It’s called Truth AND Consequences.

We’ll start with a scenario. You decide if it’s real or if Auntie Beth’s fertile imagination made it up Onion-style. Here’s an example:

Trump administration fires more than 300 staffers at the National Nuclear Security Administration. Rehires them the next day when they realize those people oversee America’s nuclear weapons. But wait: They can’t locate their personal contact info and are asking remaining employees for help.

Is this real or fake news?

If you answered real, you are RIGHT!

Are you ready? Here we go!

USDA accidentally fired officials working on bird flu and is now trying to rehire them.

REAL!

A reality TV star in charge of transportation weighed in on autism research promoted by an anti-vax former (?) heroin addict in charge of health.

REAL!

Trump just delegitimized a vaccine he was proud of getting to the public quickly.

REAL!

A non-elected, non-government person with no oversight has been given broad access to internal, confidential U.S. government databases and is making sweeping decisions on funding programs based on whether he thinks they are valuable or not. Oh, and he makes $7 million per day from the very same government.

FAKE NEWS! Elon Musk makes $8 million per day from all his federal contracts.

VP Vance refused to meet with the Chancellor of Germany, but did meet with the leader of the far-right German party who calls Holocaust remembrance a “guilt cult.”

REAL!

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson and Senate Majority Leader John Thune said that Trump cannot continue to govern through Executive Orders — that they are done being “his bitches,” and he must work with Congress.

Please. Are you kidding? That’s as FAKE as RFK Jr.’s tan. Those two couldn’t find a spine if they were locked overnight in the Brooklyn Bone Museum.

The man above was busted for:

A. Serving minors in his bar.
B. Drinking on the job.
C. Cheating on his taxes.
D. Causing an international PR crisis.

This is a toughie. It’s D for sure, but also likely C and B (though it LOOKS like A if you happen to just glance at the TV*).

Old man who has been accusing everyone of spending too much money spends $5 million for a joyride around a racetrack.

REAL!

Two Republican reps have introduced legislation to increase your bank fees.

REAL!

And one wants to rename Greenland to “Red, White, and Blueland.”

REAL!

A woman reported to be a Chinese spy has been chosen to head national intelligence for America.

FAKE NEWS! Tulsi Gabbard allegedly works for Russia.

The President of the United States of America declared himself king.

REAL!

The Internal Revenue Service is about to lay off 6,000 employees in the middle of tax season.

FAKE NEWS! It’s closer to 6,700.

The image above is of:

A. Mr. Potato Head in human form.
B. A man who claimed that advising people of their rights is a crime.
C. A contributor to Project 2025.

The answer is both B and C, but A also appears to be true.

The wheelchair-bound governor of Texas signed a bill overturning the very policies that are supposed to help disabled people get a fair shake.

REAL!

How many out of the 15 did you get right? (Were you even able to add up your score through your tears and/or blinding rage?)

This is America, y’all. Schoolhouse Rock didn’t prepare us for this bullshit.

The United States has three branches of government. At the moment, only the executive branch and judicial branch seem to be active. The Republicans in Congress seem to be OK with Trump governing via Executive Order.

Auntie Beth says if you don’t like it, call your Senators and Representatives. Auntie Beth knows that a woman’s place is in the resistance.

*According to my friend John.

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Hey kids!

Auntie Beth wants to share some travel advice to distract you from A VERY BIG THING happening today.

If you like near-death experiences, the pervasive smell of weed, and 20-somethings in beanies, Auntie Beth has the place for you:

Oregon’s Umpqua Hot Springs

Doesn’t this look delightful? (Photo credit)

Soak Oregon will put the fear of God in you: “The last few miles [to the trail head] are on a rough road, so we recommend a high-clearance vehicle.”

Don’t pay any attention to that. (Auntie Beth nearly rented a Jeep. She would have been PISSED OFF if she had wasted that money. She was totally fine in her tiny, low-clearance VW.)

Soak Oregon also warns, “This trail is steep.”

Do pay attention to that.

The part that has a makeshift hand rail does not need it, and the part that absolutely does need one does NOT.

Auntie Beth tripped on a tree root and nearly toppled backward onto her man friend, which would surely have sent him to his death (not that she is being dramatic in any way).

A rare quiet moment at the hot springs.

There should have been warnings about other things.

• Facilities. The U.S. Forest Service notes a vault toilet on site. It does not mention that the smell emanating from it is akin to a fleet of porta potties after Lollapalooza.

The horde of hippies. It was just after lunch on a Tuesday. Auntie Beth had taken the day off. Had all these young people done the same thing? Or was this their job as “influencers” or something? There were so many of them — probably 40 total in pods of five and six — clogging all the pools.

• Dress code. Auntie Beth had been warned that Oregon hot springs are nakie. She was resigned to her derobed destiny. What she found might have been worse: the entire Columbia Sportswear catalog.

• Pot. The Hot Springs Hippies LOVED them some weed. Auntie Beth is no square, but does not understand the allure of smoking when edibles exist. (Don’t people care about their lungs?) Also, secondhand smoke is AWFUL. So skunky.

Auntie Beth took this pic after the first wave of visitors cleared out.

With rising concern (i.e., panic) about the hike back down, a burgeoning pot-induced headache, and general distaste for crowds, Auntie Beth felt the need to cut her visit short.

See that tight-lipped smile? Auntie Beth is not feeling the restorative effects of the hot springs.

No fewer than two wannabe travel guides insisted that Auntie Beth and Man Friend should explore the lower pools.

“No, thank you.”

If this sounds like your idea of a good time, ENJOY!

One of the locals Auntie Beth met at the nearby convenience store did say that the time to go is first thing in the morning as no one is there.

(Right. That’s because it is SO VERY COLD outside.)

Anyway, tell them Auntie Beth sent you.

*Buster!

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Dear Trump Fans,

Before you think, “Oh, here she goes again — another political post,” let me assure you that it’s not. No policy points here. It’s about personality. It’s about Trump the man.

I don’t like him at all.

I know, I know: I’ve hidden it so well. 😉😂

The only time I even liked him a wee bit was when he wore a yellow suit on SNL.

So my genuine question for you: Why do you like him? As a person? Not as a candidate.

I’m going to make some general sweeping assumptions. I might be wrong on a few when it comes to bets on you, but I’m not wrong on him. See links.

He’s just so different from you (and from me) as a human being.

You worked hard for your money. He didn’t.

You pay taxes. He doesn’t.

You pay your bills. He doesn’t.

You work to keep your business afloat. He doesn’t.

You love spending time with your family. He doesn’t.

You have friends. He doesn’t.

You don’t mock people with disabilities. He does.

You don’t lie. He does.

You have to work at least eight hours a day at your job. He didn’t.

You don’t call people names. He does.

You wouldn’t take a bribe. He likely did.

You give to charity. He misused charitable funds.

You likely have pets. He doesn’t.

You might be able to dance. He can’t.

You wouldn’t bury your dead ex spouse on your land. He did.

You don’t cheat on your spouse.** He does.

You aren’t gross about women in general. He is.

You haven’t raped anyone. He has.

You haven’t been convicted of a felony. He has.

I would hope you aren’t racist. He is.

A couple of these on the list might not be a problem. I mean, not everyone can dance. Some people are allergic to pets. But a collection of more than four or five, and we are starting to get into weird territory.

And those last three are deal breakers for my fan club threshold.

You might say, “But Beth, I don’t have much in common with Taylor Swift either.” Yeah. But she has friends. Cats. Gives to charity. Works hard. Ticks off a number of “like us” boxes.

He’s not like you. Like me. I’m sure you are a good person with a good work ethic and good friends/family.

Have you ever seen this man laugh really hard at anything? Have a genuinely good time? Can you imagine him drinking a beer and playing Uno? Riding a rollercoaster? Wearing a bathing suit and playing in the ocean with Barron?

Some of this can be traced back to his roots. To paraphrase Roxie Hart, he didn’t get enough love in his childhood.

Fine. Fair. But break the cycle, man.

He seems exhausting to be around. No fun whatsoever.

So why do you like him?

I hope the answer isn’t, “He says what I’m thinking.” THAT would be awful (because … that last point, y’all).

I guess I don’t really expect an answer, but I also really don’t understand.

Mystified,
Beth

*Origin (?) of the phrase

**And if you do, it’s not likely to be with a porn star.

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Dear Rick Coffey:

I had never heard of you before a month ago when my work friend Yu-Shan asked if I wanted to go to one of your events.

I often say “yes” to plans because I know I need to get out of the house (and I do like to try new things).

Then in true introvert-in-training style, I have regrets when the day arrives.

Anyway, I went.

Sir, you’ve created a cult.

I was immediately horrified that I was going to have to try dance fitness with all these people — people who were stretching!

I’m still scarred from Zumba.

Fun fact: I’m not super coordinated.

I do love line dancing, but that only involves two appendages. If I have to involve my arms, that’s a problem.

It’s why I didn’t make drill team or the cheerleading squad.

I expected you to go through the steps, and I would enter a period of self loathing.

But it was a free-for-all in the very best way. There were 100+ people there, and no one was looking at anyone but you and your squad.

And you aren’t what I expected to look at. For someone who now makes a living leading dance fitness classes, I was surprised to see your dad bod.

And thrilled, if I’m honest.

Fitness comes in all sizes, and there was no shame on display. It was fantastic.

I kept up with the moves to hits like “Country Grammar,” “Thong Song” and “Lady Marmalade.”

By “kept up,” I mean “remained alive and upright.”

My Apple watch gave up. The shock of me doing cardio was too much.

My phone, which was in my pocket, refused to record my efforts.

EIGHT MINUTES?!? Try 75.

Even my underboob sweat had sweat.

Still damp 30 minutes later when I got to a shower.

You have a catch phrase — “evolve unapologetically” — and were selling merch emblazoned with it. But it was this one that caught my eye.

I was a solo artist, for sure.

Was it good for me? Yes.

Did I enjoy it? As much as I could.

Will I go back? Maybe.

You know who did love it? My cute, energetic, fit friend.

Ultimately, I’m impressed by you and your operation. Totally worth the $25.

My padded hide and I thank you.

Sincerely,
Beth

*Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

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Dear Adam,

I know we broke up in September 2019. I moved on.

I never forgot you, though.

When I heard you would be traveling through Salem, I decided to go see you for old times’ sake.

Our relationship has had its ups (2013) and downs (2012 and 2019)

I see you haven’t changed at all in the past five years.

Left: 2019; Right: 2024

I mean AT ALL. You might not have even been out of those clothes in all this time. I have no idea.

You’re even still wearing that stupid hat. Whyyyy?!

And you are peddling all the same merch. With new tour dates, sure.

I have all these shirts.

There is one new thing about you:

What is this, Adam? One single dreadlock? Gross.

Your voice sounds great, and you’ve remained trim.

But I don’t understand the little stage hops. You moved like your pants were too tight.

I know you are almost 70. I understand that you are not in your prime.

But this is your only job. And many fans are still paying to see you perform.

You have no kicks to give.

Frankly, I’m concerned. Your eyes looked dead.

When you were introducing the band, you paused for so long, I thought about calling 911.

Were you smelling burnt toast?

Seriously, I am worried about you.

Take some time off. Regroup. See your barber (and a stylist). Maybe consider retirement. You’ve worked hard. You’ve given the world some great music. Fans appreciate you. Don’t repay their loyalty by dying on stage in front of them.

Love always,
Beth

* The dandy highwayman himself

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Dear Savannah Friends,

Many of you expressed concern about my social well-being when I saw you over the holidays.

Fair.

I do need to get out more. Try to meet more non-work people.

So this week, I did two things in two different places with two different sets of people:

Line dancing in Salem and a drag show in Portland.

How is that for running the gamut?

Those of you who have known me a while know that I haunted Stetsons in Savannah for line-dancing nights back in the day.

Salem, Oregon, is apparently a hotspot for line dancing. (Who knew?)

The colleague who told me about this event did provide some additional information.

It was great! I had fun and got some exercise. People were very welcoming.

That was Thursday night. I went to Darcelle XV in Portland on Friday night.

It was not like any other drag show I’ve seen. I’m used to acrobatic, can-pass-as performers working the crowd. This show was more like a cabaret stocked with Joan Crawford/Bette Davis clones in evening gowns. To tip, you threw your money in a bowl at center stage.

It was a good evening with friends, but I probably wouldn’t go back to the regular show. There’s an “open mic”-style drag show on Tuesdays that looks more interesting.

Still, I could have had a terrible time at either or both of these places and been happy to be out.

My next big event out should be a doozy:

Stay tuned.

Love,
Beth

*Love me some Miley.

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Dear Monét X Change,

I owe you an apology. I did not fully appreciate your work at the event last night.

As much as I like you in general, I was there for the sole purpose of seeing Big Freedia.

Everyone knows how much I love Big Freedia.

I mean, why else would straight, middle-aged me go to this?:

Lord knows that I am not the target audience.

My friend Wendy went with me. We were definitely the oldest people there by about 25 years. Two of a handful not in costume. And I’d bet a rainbow flag that I was the only heterosexual.

Not that any of this matters. It was a fun night. It was nice to get out, as my new job has consumed my life.

BUT we were there to see Big Freedia. And while I appreciate that you stepped in last minute when Freedia had a family emergency, I wasn’t really feeling your set.

I also wasn’t feeling the four bathrooms and two small bars for 500 people.*

I WAS feeling a new friend named Derek, though. Literally. He asked me to fix the garter buckle on the stockings of his sexy nurse costume. I was happy to help, and I ended up with what he proclaimed as my “new twink son.”

Anyway, thanks for your service.

Happy Halloween!
Beth

*not an exaggeration

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Hi everyone!

It’s been A WEEK.

My car arrived. I returned the RV. The boys left. The moving truck arrived. I lost count of how many boxes I opened in my quest to settle in. I gained a hundred bruises on my body. I lost weight via sweating.

It’s starting to come together, but it’s been a long week.

The house provided to me has not been loved for some time. I’m grateful for it, but it’s clear it has been short-term housing. I want to be here long-term. I want to leave it better than I found it.

So I painted the living room and dining room by myself.

Look at this nonsense I found while preparing to spackle:

Come ON!
Who paints a living and dining room this yellow anyway? Yes, I know gray has a bad reputation, but it’s better than yellow.

I haven’t painted walls in YEARS. My body was a wreck afterward.

But it looks good.
Sadly, there’s nothing I can do about the Blair Witch basement. Except not EVER go down there at night.
I also met the neighbors.

I haven’t even started work yet, but I had a work event last night. My new university is home to a large wine festival. There is a salmon bake. I was invited to mingle with trustees and donors.

I hadn’t put on makeup and nice clothes for about two weeks.

I even got all the paint out of my hair!

I don’t know what I expected, but it was not the huge event that it was.

Look at all these people!
Meat for miles
The salmon bake
All local produce. Delicious!

I’m so glad I went. It was nice to be among people again after a week spent with boxes and Leo.

Work begins tomorrow.

Wish me luck!
Beth

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Captain’s Log, Day 4 (375 miles logged)

This is Merle the RV at home in the Rushmore View RV Park. Merle seems like he’s old, fat and sleeps naked. You’d never know that Merle came in under cover of night and rain.
Merle is basically parked in the lot for this place. Do NOT use a black light in any room.

We decided to eat breakfast in the thriving metropolis of Keystone.

Along the way, we saw more interesting chainsaw sculptures.

But we were there to see two much bigger sculptures.

Mount Rushmore
Crazy Horse

I did enjoy seeing both these monuments. However, my experience was marred by a few things:

  • The oppressive heat. Surely I must have lost 10 pounds in water weight from sweating.
  • People. The older I get, the less I like crowds. And as these are tourist attractions, there are many people there. I think one person out of five operates on one brain cell. So you get hundreds of people together, and you are bound to have a pack of idiots.
  • Flies. The house fly must be the South Dakota State Insect.
  • The admission price. It cost $35 to get into the Crazy Horse Monument. That would be a good price if I liked museums or movies about history. I don’t. The family doesn’t. I think we should have saved money and just driven by. But we didn’t.
This photo cost $35. 😉

We got on the road to Cody just after noon. Wyoming makes South Dakota seem wildly overpopulated.

There aren’t even any billboards!

It’s flat for miles, then suddenly there was a canyon.

Eddie to me, the driver: Slow down, please.

Me: It’s fine. It just feels weird from over there.

Him: The brake isn’t working.

Me (alarmed): What do you mean?

Him: The brake over here (gestures to the passenger floorboard).

We rolled up to the Cody KOA at 6:52 p.m. When I checked in, I found out that there is a free shuttle to the Cody rodeo every night during the summer.

A RODEO!

But the shuttle would be leaving at 7 p.m.

Eddie didn’t want to go, so he said he’d handle setup. The boys and I ran over to the bus.

You KNOW I wasn’t going to miss my chance. I haven’t seen a rodeo since I covered one in Ludowici, Georgia, when I was a TV reporter.

I was DEFINITELY more excited to be there than they were.

The only bad thing is that the clown co-MC’s jokes were SO OLD. For example:

What do OJ and that Bronco running around there have in common?

Neither one wants to go to the pen.

Yeah.

Still. A good time was had by all.

Coming tomorrow: Yellowstone

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Captain’s Log, Day 3 (490 miles logged)

Get ready, people: This place has everything: saloons, Costner merch, a building decorated with corn, taxidermy (yay!), a massive jackalope sculpture, and an out-of-place T-Rex.

The first night in the RV went well. We had pride in a job well done, as we had never hooked up an RV before. It wasn’t hard at all. I was worried for nothing.

The RV is spacious. It should be at 30 feet long.

Everyone has a space of his/her own.

I’m on the converted dining room table. (The photo didn’t turn out.)

Leo, as you see, is everywhere.

He’s a bed-hopping whore. Leo, not Dominic. (I don’t think Dominic is, anyway.)

You may wonder why Eddie and I aren’t sharing.

Well, it’s because we are divorced. I know that may come as a surprise as I’ve never mentioned it publicly. It’s private.

It’s also obviously amicable, as we are on this road trip together (mutual choice). I mean, we were together for nearly 30 years. We are part of each other’s lives. We are coparenting. And we still like each other!

Anyway, we started in Onawa, Iowa, and made our way through South Dakota. So many things to see along the way.

Starting with this fine specimen at a rest stop.
80 mph speed limit!
Corn Palace!
Is it a gym? A theater? No, it’s a gift shop.
Want more info? Here you go.
We also stopped at 1880 Town.
This is the main attraction, apparently.
I don’t really care about the movie or Kevin Costner.

But I DO care about a cool Wild West town.

And that I have a son in jail.
That’s what happens when you raise criminals.
I also care about my new side hustle.

The saloon was a big draw. That’s where the refreshments were. No beer, though, which seems like a missed opportunity.

There also was live music.

“Live”

As soon as Gideon saw the performer, he said, “Yeah, he was born here.”

Unadvertised attraction: unfettered goat action

Our next stop was Wall Drug. There had been 423 billboards advertising it, including one with a command.

We did as we were told.

Narrator: They could have missed it and been fine.

I enjoyed the massive jackalope, but the rest was just shopping.
And bad animatronics.
And taxidermied bison.
And this. Just why?

We decided to eat at the Badlands Saloon and Grille. Sadly, our server, Mateo, had no sense of urgency regarding our food and hydration needs.

The delicious Mac and Cheese Burger nearly made up for Mateo.

Thanks to our extended stay in the restaurant, we arrived later than we wanted to the Rushmore View RV Park. We had to set up camp in the dark in the rain. (View? What view?)

Coming soon: Our gang pays a visit to George and his gang.

*This was on a T-shirt at the Corn Palace. Seriously.

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