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Posts Tagged ‘Aging’

A good dose of Cod liver “oil” #SundayStories

Posted in Friends, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 11, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Dear 36-hour Tina,

Thank you for always choosing time with me as your birthday present. I can assure you that I love the annual family trip to Cape Cod for the Fourth of July.

This year was rough for everyone. We ALL needed the long weekend.

I haven’t laughed so much in a while.

It started on the way there.

The airline staff made the announcement about early boarding for parents traveling with children in car seats. 

Me to Dominic: What if you were your size, but you still had to sit in a car 
seat?
Dominic: (Snorts)
Me: Safety first!
Dominic: His bones are brittle!

We got there expecting nice weather so we could hang out on the beach. I don’t know why. Even a cursory glance at the forecast would have told me to expect indoor activities. And I’m a meteorologist! Yes, I’m suitably embarrassed. Like I said, I packed aspirationally, not realistically.

Thankfully, you had Cards Against Humanity, Family Version.

It started with this:

What killed Old Joe? 
Stuff.

Continued with these:

Soon, you were laughing as hard as I was.

And don’t forget the saga of the stick wine (aka Baboon Wine). (I still don’t remember how that name came to be. It’s because I had too much of the stick wine, I know.)

Great weekend ingredients: Stick wine, sunsets, fireworks and “Mermaid Water.”

And wearing a “comfy” for an evening stumble walk on the beach.

I enjoyed all of it.

It was great to see you and hang out with Matt and the kids. I’m totally cool with Elsa and Gideon getting married. 🙂

Hope to see you in March!

Love,
LaBethya

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Death does not become me #ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2021| 2 Comments »

Dear Readers,

I’m surprised if I have any still. My last post was June 1. That’s more than three weeks: The longest dry spell in years.

In my defense, I’ve been very busy trying to stay alive.

Both of my children are now driving.

Each child presents a different patience challenge.

Gideon has a hard time with turns. And curbs.

Dominic doesn’t like stop signs. Or using his turn signal.

I sit (mostly) quietly in my seat concentrating on my heart rate. I try not to go for the grab handle (known as the “oh shit” handle) or stomp on the imaginary brake.

All that’s fine; they are learning.

But then, when I’m driving, I’m subjected to a critique:

Dominic from the back seat: Did you use your turn signal?
Me: Yes!

Gideon on the way to the store: You took that turn pretty fast!
Me: (side eye)

Hypocrites!

Anyway, I’m still alive. For now.

I’ll try to be a better blogger.

Your obedient servant*,
Beth

*Credit to Lin Manuel.

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That’s what friends are for* #TeenagerTuesday

Posted in Friends, Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Dear Friends of My Sons,

I feel lucky. You are all really good kids. I like you, and your parents seem great too.

I spent loads of time with you over the weekend as it was Gideon’s birthday. I laughed so much.

Let’s recap:

Friday night, I took Roscoe and Gideon to meet Trent to see “A Quiet Place 2.” 

Gideon: I forgot my debit card.
Roscoe: I have $2.
All: [pause]
Roscoe: I’m ballin’
Me: [howling] Big pimpin’

Saturday, on the way to Six Flags, I discovered Cole is not a fan of roller coasters. He must really like Gideon to agree to go to a theme park with him.

We drive up to the entrance and see a coaster.

Me: That’s the Georgia Scorcher. You stand up on it.
Cole: [blanching] 
Me: Are your hands clammy now?
Cole: My whole body is clammy.

Y’all are at that age where you don’t really want parents around, so Eddie and I peeled off.

You found us at Macho Nacho.

Me: Where’s Dominic?
Gideon: He wanted a turkey leg, so we left him.
Me: Dang. That’s cold.

Eddie and I felt sorry for Dominic, so we went to find him.

Me, calling Dominic: Where are you?
Dominic, sounding annoyed: I’m getting a turkey leg. 
Me: Where?
Dominic: At the Sky Screamer Drinks and Eats. It’s across from the Sky Screamer.
Me: We’ll be right there.

We get there, and Dominic tells me he has had the exact same conversation with Josh, Gideon twice, me, then Roscoe. I started laughing, because he repeated the conversation each time for my benefit.

An hour in line (no exaggeration), he finally had his leg.

This is my son. (I do this too.)

We had to leave Six Flags. It was just too crowded. Clearly there’s no COVID in Georgia. 🙄

Trent chatted amiably with me on the way back to the car. I learned all about his job search. And other things.

Trent: I just need about a thousand dollars for equipment.
Me: When you get your job, that will happen soon. What kind of music do you do?
Trent: I rap for Jesus.
Me: Oh! Ok. You have a rap name?
Trent: It’s Trent Truth.
Me: That’s great!

We decided to resume Gideon’s birthday at the pool.

The next day, we took Dominic and HIS friends whitewater rafting. I’m eternally shocked at Dominic and Gideon’s choice of music for car rides.

Dominic: Green Day to Bee Gees to Taylor Swift
Gideon: Neil Diamond to Doom

And then there’s Adem’s choice of footwear. I was surprised to learn Crocs are hella trendy again.

Adem: I’ve got my Crocs in support mode.

That meant he used the back straps. Dylan could have taken a page out of Adem’s book.

If you are on the Ocoee River and find a shoe, it’s Dylan’s.

I feel fortunate. I do. My children have chosen wisely.

See you for plenty of adventures this summer.

Love,
Dominic and Gideon’s mom

*Dionne FTW.

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He wants a fast car* #ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Dear Dominic,

Thank you for sharing with me the link to the car you want.

I regret to inform you that we are not going to get you a car at this time.

There are three very good reasons for this decision:

  1. You do not yet have your license. You only have a permit until September.
  2. You haven’t saved up enough money.
  3. You are failing four out of seven classes.

Also, a MUSTANG? As a teenaged boy? A teenaged boy with terrible grades? You will not be able to afford the insurance. We will not be able to afford the insurance.

You said you wanted a car to be able to drive yourself to football practice, thus making it easier for us.

Thank you for your concern.

What I can offer you is my bus pass. The No. 25 goes right to your school.

Love,

Mama

*Thanks, Tracy Chapman. (Now try to get that song out of your head.)

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My skin has gotten under my skin #MondayMadness

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , on May 3, 2021| 4 Comments »

Dear Skin,

I need you to calm the F down right now. I’m not sure why you feel the need to clamor for my attention, but perioral dermatitis is not a good look for me.

I guess I should be happy I can hide it behind a mask right now.

But I’ve been dealing with you on and off for three years.

These are all the options I’ve had over the past three years to fix you.

The latest dermatologist said that this flare up was NOT due to my nickel allergy, but to the ointment the prior dermatologist told me to use.

She was horrified when I told her I was using it twice a day every time the rash popped up again. As instructed.

Fantastic.

I’m on a new antibiotic and have a new cream to get you to settle. But she said you would get much worse before you got better.

She was right.

I can’t even wear makeup right now. #nofilter Clearly.

Dear GOD.

So please start behaving.

Kthxbyeee, Beth

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The Biddies are back! #TuesdayTreat

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2021| Leave a Comment »

Dear Judith,

Thank you for being my new Biddy BFF. I missed everyone so very much during the Lockdown Times.

I kept checking to see if the Boot Camp was up and running, but had no luck. But then one day, I got this message from Eddie:

I was OVERJOYED. I immediately checked all over the Y website, and finally found the classes listed.

The next day, I hauled my (slightly heftier) carcass back to the pool.

Me to Sandra, the M/W instructor: I was so excited these classes started up again.
Sandra to me: We’ve been back since July!
Me: Oh.

I realized I was a victim of poor website design.

Still, I’m back, and meeting new people like you!

I know I’m in for a few laughs when I see you. Here are some things you said just this week that made me cackle:

EXCHANGE 1
Sandra, on the edge of the pool: It’s hard to do this exercise from up here.
You: It’s even harder in here.

EXCHANGE 2
Sandra: Alright, switch it up. Cross country forward.
You: I only go backward.

EXCHANGE 3
You to me when I was drinking my water: That’s vodka isn’t it? I don’t know why you won’t share.

I never have any trouble getting out of bed to go to the gym. It’s not only because it’s good for me, and I feel great afterward, but because of you.

You are the best!

See you Thursday!
Beth

 

 

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FCC complaints? Come ON! #SaltySunday

Posted in Advice, Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2021| 5 Comments »

Dear Mom of College Friend (and anyone else who shared this meme),

Most of the time, I scroll on past all the crazy things you post. I was taught to respect my elders, so I don’t want to call you out.

But I have thoughts about this meme.

  1. I wrote a whole post about false equivalency. Please read it.
  2. I know that the meme is comparing these two because of their beef, but Cardi B is an entertainer. Candace Owens is not.
  3. It is possible that young girls can idolize both, and also various other public figures as well as people in their own lives.
  4. We need to normalize black and brown people in positions of power. It shouldn’t be EITHER Cardi B OR Candace Owens.
  5. Why is this a left/right thing?

I know you and loads of your kind (aka white Boomers) are clutching your pearls over Cardi B’s Grammy performance and the song in general.

I have thoughts about that too:

  1. I bet you didn’t even watch. Your friends and people on chosen news outlets (i.e., Owens) told you that you should be wound up.
  2. If you did watch and were offended, you could have turned it off.
  3. It should not be considered offensive to celebrate female sexuality. (I got into it at Christmas over “WAP” vs. “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”)

All of this is so silly to me. All my life, I’ve heard older people lose their minds about music, video games, books and whatnot having a negative impact on children.

You know who should be worried about children? Their parents. Period.

I’m far from perfect, but I do frankly address topics like sex, drugs, etc., with my boys. I’d rather they hear the truth from me, as uncomfortable as it may be for them and for me.

So stop worrying about what other people and their children are/are not doing, and mind your own business.

Also, perhaps consider getting out of the meme game.

Sincerely,
Your daughter’s friend

*People actually complained to the FCC about the performance. Get a grip! It’s the Grammys. What do you expect? Everyone knew Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion were going to perform. Just change the channel if you don’t like it.

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Stop trying to make fetch happen* #TuesdayTip

Posted in Music, Technology, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2021| 3 Comments »

Dear @adampocalypse,

I’m very sorry my public reply to your public question to AITA on Twitter upset you so much that you blocked me.

I’ve never been blocked before — not to my knowledge, anyway.

Maybe you block people regularly, so you don’t remember our exchange.

(And if you do block people regularly, perhaps you should stay off Twitter. Or stop commenting on tweets from popular accounts.)

To remind you, @AITA_reddit posted a selection involving a grown woman whose teenaged boys were mortified by her One Direction decor in one of the bathrooms.

As a mother of teenaged boys, and as someone who loves One Direction, I was interested in the post and fully on her side (as most people were).

But there’s always one person who wants to make it awkward.

That person was you.

It seemed like quite a leap from liking a band to being a pedophile. I’m shocked 584 people implied they agreed with you.

I was compelled to respond. (Because of course I was.) But I wasn’t the only one.

1. Target sold these candles.
2. I guarantee you that most moms of teenaged boys are not into thinking sexually about teenaged boys. They are gross.
3. Yes, I know some women do. That’s gross too. And, thankfully, not that common.

I think you are too sensitive to be on a public forum. You also seem to be projecting.

I am a middle-aged woman who thinks Harry Styles is very cute. He does not meet the age requirement (half my age plus seven) for naughtiness, and also, HE’S A CELEBRITY I’LL NEVER MEET.

Harry IS dating an older woman in the age-gap allowance (Olivia Wilde), so good for her.

(Side note on the age thing: I’m very excited to know that I can date all those hot middle-aged men when I’m 80. Cougaring FTW!)

When my aforementioned teenaged boys were young, they liked to watch iCarly. So I watched too. I thought Freddie Benson was adorable, but I did not want to sleep with him.

Now?

Hello, Freddie!

But no. Still not in the acceptable range. (Also, I’m married. Hi, Eddie!)

My point?

You can think someone is cute and not want to groom them for sex.

Just because a grown woman likes a boy band does not mean she is a pedophile.

I’m sorry if that’s hard for you to believe. And that, sadly, says more about your life.

I’m sorry my response upset you enough for you to block me. You didn’t need to worry, though: I had not planned on having any subsequent interaction with you.

May your future responses to @AITA_reddit bring you more peace, joy and solidarity than this one.

Sincerely,
@BethCon5

*I’m apparently a mean girl, so this works.

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House of Pain* (aka physical therapy) #ThursdayTorture

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , on February 11, 2021| 6 Comments »

Dear Jhamna**,

You are an absolute bitch, and I hate your guts.

But I mean that in the nicest way.

Thanks to my last post, I now know of many people who have experienced frozen shoulder. All of them said that physical therapy is the only thing that expedites healing.

So I know you are doing your job, but you are so MEAN. So mean.

Within 10 minutes of meeting you, you pulled my arm way above my head, and counted to 10. Twice. Despite me squirming in pain.

I wanted to yell:

My arm doesn’t bend that way right now, lady. Stop trying to wrench it off!

But instead, I wept quietly.

You said:

I should give you to Michelle (the other therapist). She doesn’t care about tears. I’m the nice one.

You are the nice one? Shudder.

To be honest, the physical therapist I had before my insurance changed (join me for a future TED Talk on that nightmare) was too nice. I didn’t see any improvement in range of motion. But I chalked that up to being in the “freezing” stage.

I do see an improvement in just a couple of days with you. Part of it could be that I’m religiously doing the exercises because I am scared of you.

I know you’ve seen your share of people with my condition.
I know you know what you are doing.
I know this is what I need.

I also know that I don’t want to ever see you again.

But I’ll see you Monday.

Your terrified victim respectful client,
Beth

*If you don’t immediately start singing “Jump Around,” something is wrong with you.

**This is her name. She’s Brazilian. She is merciless.

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My body is not a wonderland* right now (but I AM wondering about it) #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , on February 7, 2021| 13 Comments »

Dear Body,

I don’t know what your problem is, but I wish you would pull yourself together.

You worked fine up until 2020. Then you had two broken bones at the same time (toe and ankle) after never having a broken bone before.

And now you have the nerve to show up with “adhesive capsulitis,” otherwise known as Frozen Shoulder.

That’s fun.

And why?

Usually the causes are a shoulder injury, diabetes, thyroid issues or a stroke.

No, no, no and no.

You know what I am that is apparently an even bigger marker for it?

A white woman over 40.

That’s it.

Delightful.

Apparently, there are three stages, each of which can last several months: freezing, frozen and thawing.

I’ve been in the freezing stage since October.

That stage features excruciating pain and limited range of motion.

That’s it. That’s as high as my left arm goes at the moment.

This whole thing could last one to three years.

ONE TO THREE YEARS.

Body, please don’t play the long game here.

Give me back my range of motion!

Kthxbye,
Beth

* Thanks, John.

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