Posted in Apartment life, tagged Apartment life, Atlanta, Family, Food, Friends, Loneliness, Obsessions, Out of the house, Parenting, Travel on September 20, 2020| 5 Comments »
Dear Tony, Spike, Ulysses, Rolfe, Verna and friends,
I found out this week that you likely will be leaving me soon to go to Mexico.
That makes me sad, but I understand. You have places to go and other people to see.
I know I’ll see you in the spring.
I’ll miss you. I’ll leave the feeder up just in case anyone still around needs a snack. (Suddenly I’m thinking of that Motel 6 commercial.)
Thanks for visiting.
Your friend,
Beth
* Thanks to Dale Evans and Roy Rogers.
Posted in Advice, Parenting, tagged Advice, Atlanta, Bureaucrats, Complaints, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Customer service, Family, Kids, Pandemic, Parenting, Peeves, Rage, Requests, Students, Technology on September 17, 2020| Leave a Comment »
Dear Administrators at My Boys’ School,
I hate to criticize you in the middle of a pandemic. I know you are doing the best you can. So let me just provide some well-meaning advice based on what I experienced leading up to and during Curriculum Night.
This is what happened when I followed the provided link. There was no meeting code.
I’m not trying to be a jerk to you in these difficult times. But I do want to be an active parent. Please make it easier for us. I don’t think these are unreasonable, outlandish suggestions.
Thank you.
Sincerely
Dominic and Gideon’s Mom
*Thanks to the Beach Boys.
Posted in Advice, Parenting, tagged Academics, Advice, Atlanta, Bureaucrats, Complaints, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Customer service, Family, Government, Kids, Pandemic, Parenting, Peeves, Rage, Requests, Spanish, Students, Technology on September 16, 2020| 4 Comments »
Dear Teachers,
God love you. I can’t even imagine how difficult your life is right now. Thank you so much for all that you do for woefully low pay.
This post is addressed specifically to my sons’ teachers.
I do not envy you.
I appreciate you.
I know you are doing the best job you can.
That said, I don’t think I will be attending Curriculum Night tonight because it is just too confusing for me.
And this is what worries me.
I have a number of college degrees.
I am technologically adept.
I teach online and have created online courses.
Yet I CANNOT FIGURE OUT how and when to log in tonight. Each of my children has seven teachers plus homeroom. They are at the same school. I’ve received SO MANY emails.
Interestingly enough, only half of the teachers have sent the emails. I haven’t heard anything from the other half. Ninth-grade teachers are much more communicative (five of eight) than 10th grade (two of eight).
Here’s the biggest problem: Most emails don’t include times. 
I filled out the form. This teacher did not send the link. Also, she sent that email at 10 p.m. the night before, giving parents just over 24 hours to respond.
Another teacher wants us to join during the day. DURING THE DAY! You know, when most people are working their full-time jobs.
There are only two of you who have provided an easy guide like this:
But guess what: Those two? Scheduled at the SAME TIME. Of course. You know how I know? I had to do this old school:
Nothing written means I got nothing from the teacher.
Then later — at 4 p.m. today — I got a text from the principal with this schedule:
The principal sent this ONE HOUR before the event is supposed to begin. You’ll note that the times don’t line up with what the teachers sent. And how am I supposed to attend two sessions (because I have two kids) at the same time in the space of fewer than seven minutes?
If it is this confusing for me — an educated technophile who works in education — I cannot imagine how difficult it is for parents who aren’t. Or parents who speak English as a second language. Or parents who do not have access to technology.
And you know it is difficult for the students to keep up with all this.
I can see why some students are already completely checked out (e.g., Dominic).
All I’m asking for is some consistency, at the VERY least.
Maybe I’ll see one of you tonight. We’ll see.
Thanks again in general for all that you do. These are weird, challenging times.
Sincerely,
Dominic and Gideon’s mom
*Thanks, Kim Wilde.
Posted in Parenting, tagged Atlanta, Bright ideas, Family, Kids, Out of the house, Parenting, Peeves on September 2, 2020| 8 Comments »
Dear Parents of Teenaged Boys:
How did you live through the learning-to-drive phase?
Dominic now has his learner’s permit.
This was not an easy process, but I bet it pales in comparison to actually teaching him to drive.
He was supposed to go get his learner’s permit weeks ago. We made an appointment. He filled out the application. We got the appropriate letter from his school. I sent him the link to the manual and the sample tests.
We got in the car to go to the DMV.
Him (looking at his phone): What is this sign? (Shows me the following image on his phone)
Me: It’s a warning sign. Why?
Him (still looking at his phone): The line down the middle of the road is black, red, yellow or white?
Me: Look, you have to answer these questions yourself. First, I’m driving right now. Second, you should have studied the manual!
Him: Where did you say that manual was?
Me (head exploding): You are kidding, right?
Him: I didn’t think it would be hard.
Me: It’s going to be hard if you didn’t look at the manual.
Him: I think we are going to have to cancel the appointment.
Me (steam escaping my ears): Yeah, I guess so.
So we made a new appointment. He promised to study the manual this time.
On the way to the new appointment, we had the following conversation.
Him: I’ve been doing well on the practice tests. This guy said he failed the test 17 times. He finally passed after taking the test three times in one day. His advice is to read the manual.
Me: Well, duh.
Him: (Silence)
Me: You did read the manual, right?
Him: I’m reading it now.
Me: (Nearly crashes the car from shock and blind rage)
Y’all, I’ll be honest: I did not have high hopes for a successful outcome.
We got there, showed proof that he filled out the application and got our temperatures taken.
After loads of paperwork, he was off to take the test.
While I was waiting, I realized my license expires at the end of this year. So I renewed it while I was there. Bonus!
As I was doing that, Dominic ambled over.
Him: I passed!
Me: Really?! That’s GREAT!
Him: It was really easy. In fact, some of the stuff I studied in the car was on the test.
Me (rolling my eyes): You got so lucky.
On the way home, he called his father to tell him the news. No answer. He called his brother.
Him: I passed
Gideon: You passed?
Him: I passed my learner’s permit test.
Gideon: Oh. Nice.
They hang up.
Me: He was so … what’s the word I’m looking for?
Him: Unenthusiastic.
Me: Yes.
We had a good laugh.
I pulled over when I was nearly home and let him drive the rest of the way. He did a good job. He even praised me for my patience (!).
Today, we had to pick up his yearbook from the high school. I let him drive. On Peachtree. Anyone who knows Atlanta knows that’s like letting him drive on a NASCAR track. (Not as bad as I-285, but bad.)
I’ll be drinking loads tonight. And I’ll be thankful to be alive.
I swear he took a turn on two wheels.
He didn’t change lanes quickly and drove in the middle of the road for a bit.
He couldn’t figure out how to work the turn signal. (I mean, he’s not alone. Veteran drivers can’t seem to figure that one out.)
So how did you do it?
Any tricks or tips you want to share?
I’m all ears. (And white knuckles.)
Thanks,
Beth
*Thanks, John, Paul, George and Ringo. This tune is now stuck in my head.
Posted in Apartment life, tagged Apartment life, Atlanta, Beer and wine, Complaints, Coronacation, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Family, Friends, Kids, Movies, Music, Out of the house, Pandemic, Travel, Weed, Writing on August 23, 2020| 2 Comments »
Dear People in the Condo Building:
I’m truly fascinated by your lives. Every time I go to our place to clean for a new guest or just hang out, there’s something going on.
It’s very “Rear Window.”
I’m here today because I have so much work to do, and I needed peace (read: time away from Dominic complaining about the Wi-Fi).
It’s a nice day, so I’m on the balcony. I’m worried about getting a contact high from the clouds of chronic. (New building name: Chronic Condo. Or THC Towers. Or High House.)
The last time I was here to get work done, I got to party with Cardi B, along with everyone else on their balconies.
One time, I was having a girls’ night with my friend Becky (with the good hair).
Some guys two floors down and two balconies over saw us.
Dude 1: Hey Ladies!
Dude 2: You with the hair!
Dude 3: We’ve got weed. Come on down!
Becky and I are middle-aged women. We are not going to party with random guys — in a pandemic, no less.
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t weirdly flattered.
Anyway, thanks for providing plenty of entertainment.
Love,
Beth
Posted in Parenting, tagged Apartment life, Atlanta, Bureaucrats, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Family, Hormones, Kids, Out of the house, Pandemic, Parenting, Politics, Students, Technology on August 18, 2020| 2 Comments »
Dear Dekalb County School System:
Thank you for starting the school year online rather than face to face. Thank you for not caving to pressure from the COVIDiots Thank you for keeping all of us safe.
We are still in a FREAKIN’ PANDEMIC!
If people had buckled down and done what they should have in March/April, we might be closer to being back to normal.
But no.
Sigh.
Anyway.
My boys went back to school today. Usually I’d post a photo from their first day of the new school year on social media. This year, it seems silly.
Their bedrooms are their school.
Here it is, for what it’s worth:
Dominic is in 10th grade. Gideon is in ninth.
They are feeling overwhelmed. Seven classes each. All virtual. Mostly asynchronous.
(I’m even overwhelmed by the number of parent emails and texts I’m getting.)
There are thousands of kids doing the same thing, so the network was overloaded. Dominic was in a synchronous classroom by 9 a.m.
It took Gideon until 11 to get online.
But this is the way it is right now. I’m not complaining.
One of the cool things is that they decided they wanted to go to the store to get their own supplies. No ridiculously long and detailed supply lists this year. Thank GOD. (They rarely even used most of the things we just HAD to get.)
One of the not-so-cool things is that we ended up going to Walmart. (Shudder. Big stores now give me anxiety.)
On the way home, Dominic and I had this conversation:
Him: I really would prefer actually going to school. I’ll take my chances with the virus.
Me: Great! So you want to put your brother at risk, me at risk, and also your father who has asthma and likely would get the worst of it and die.*
Him: Well, when you put it like that, I guess virtual is fine.
Me: Mmmhmm.
So, DCSS, keep up the good work. Difficult times call for creative solutions. We will persevere.
You know that adage: What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
Sincerely,
Beth, DCSS parent
* Yeah, I exaggerated, but not by much. Eddie has had so many colds that graduated to pneumonia.
Posted in Advice, Travel, tagged Advice, Airbnb, Apartment life, Atlanta, Complaints, Customer service, Out of the house, Peeves, Signs, Travel on August 16, 2020| 4 Comments »
Dear New Airbnb Hosts:
Welcome to the club! It’s a good way to make some money, and the Airbnb platform usually makes life easy. Sometimes the guests don’t, though.
I advise you to set clear house rules. Here are mine:
Even then, I’ve had people leave:
Someone also left an unopened package of bacon, which did not upset me at all.
One thing I didn’t realize when I first became a host is that guests can be dumb. Really dumb. Like how-can-they-live-their-lives dumb.
Take, for example, the woman who is in our place now. She called me at 10 last night because she couldn’t figure out how to turn on the light in the bedroom.
I had no idea of the rarity of an overhead fan with a remote control that features a lightbulb icon.
🙄
But there is a different woman who has the honor of being the dumbest person so far.
Here is the full exchange (I didn’t leave anything out, except part of the map I sent):
She needs one of Bill Engvall’s signs. Right? Or am I just being mean?
Anyway.
Now you know better what you are getting yourself into as a host.
Good luck!
Beth
Posted in Parenting, tagged Advice, Atlanta, Coffee, Complaints, Customer service, Family, Food, Kids, Obsessions, Out of the house, Pandemic, Parenting on August 9, 2020| 7 Comments »
Dear Publix:
Thank you for employing three of my family members. I feel very fortunate that they have jobs during these weird, unprecedented times.
I feel especially fortunate that my two sons want jobs at their tender ages.
Look at Gideon during his first day on the job!
Here’s Dominic the Cart Wrangler.
Granted, they have my genes. I started working at age 15 and have been employed every day since. Eddie also is a hard worker.
My daily perusal of Reddit indicates that a strong work ethic is in decline.
Anyway, guess where I do all my grocery shopping.
Kroger.
Dominic was horrified when I picked him up yesterday with a car full of groceries from there.
Him: Mama, I ain’t about you disrespecting my employer.*
Me: When Publix stocks the coffee I like and sends me coupons, I’ll shop there.
Meanwhile, his newly employed bagger brother reluctantly went along with his mother, the bad influence. He did at least practice his skills at your competitor and judged the bagger there quite harshly.
If you want the loyalty of all four of us, take a page out of your competitor’s playbook.
For your convenience, here’s a link to my coffee of choice.
I believe you have all my home info. for the coupons.
Warm regards,
Beth
* This is apparently how teenagers talk nowadays.
Posted in Cultural differences, Taxidermy, tagged Atlanta, Beer and wine, Chickens, Country music, Disorders, Food, Games, Nudity, Obsessions, Out of the house, Pets, Reality TV, Rednecks, Taxidermy, Trish (the chicken), White people on August 5, 2020| 7 Comments »
Dear Jeff Foxworthy:
Congrats on your new show. It sounds like a lowbrow “Antiques Roadshow.”
Dare I say it’s the redneck version.
That tracks. You made your money by calling out the kind.
I have a terminal degree in my field, work in higher education and wear suits/dresses to work (even in the age of COVID-19).
You’d trust me to teach and mentor your college-aged children, right?
But under the collar of my professional lady clothes, my neck is red.
Proof:
Posted in Friends, tagged Atlanta, Beer and wine, Bright ideas, Fat, Fear, Friends, Out of the house, Rednecks, Sunburn, White people on August 2, 2020| 5 Comments »
Dear Kalen,
Thanks for taking me to “shoot the hooch.” I cannot believe I grew up in Atlanta and never did this before.**
I almost feel like I need to turn in my Southern girl card.
But not quite, as I adapted like a champ.
Ratty visor? Check.
Brewery coozies? Check.
Cooler filled with beer? Check.
Bungee cords to tie our tubes together? Check.
Bikini to get some sun (even though I know better)? Check.
The sun was hot. The beer and the water were cold.
It was a perfect day.
Perfect until I fell in, that is. (No, apparently I CAN’T reach your speaker carabiner.)
So there I was, dangling in the water, contemplating how best to get back in the tube when something touched my leg.
SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG.
My human brain knew it was just river weed.
My lizard brain lost it.
I started scream laughing. You started scream laughing. At me.
Here’s a dramatic re-enactment of me, slippery from sunscreen and still screeching, trying to get back into the innertube.
In addition to making sure to stay in the tube next time, we also will have to do a better job of tying you to the cooler float so you don’t end up in someone else’s pod, flouting social distancing expectations.
Thanks for the adventure. Let’s do it again soon!
Love and ‘hoochee kisses,
Beth
* Thank you, Alan Jackson.
** Edit: A friend reminded me I DID shoot the hooch. In college. While completely trashed. So that doesn’t count, as I don’t remember.
Observe and report 