Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Disorders’

When things go bump in the night #WednesdayWounding

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2020| 2 Comments »

Dear Dominic,

Sometimes I forget how great you are and how well we get along. (Having to bark at remind you to take out the trash and recycling takes its toll on both of us.)

But as we were leaving our place this morning to head to Savannah, I saw you at your best.

Wee morning hours are not great for me. It’s my own fault: We needed to get to the McKinnons’ house before all my Zoom meetings began.

As I was trying to get my watch charger in the dark, I whacked my forehead on the nightstand.

I was still rubbing my head when I told you it was time to go.

You saw the lump that had formed immediately.

You: What happened to you?
Me: I banged my head on the nightstand.
You: Come here. (Gave me a hug and a kiss on the forehead.)
Me: Did you just kiss my boo-boo?
You: That’s the treatment!

That was very sweet.

But then later when I took the ice pack off, you went back to normal.

Me: How do I look?
You: Like Voorhees.

Thanks so much.

Sigh.

Love you anyway,
Mama

Read Full Post »

Redneck is as redneck does #WednesdayWit

Posted in Cultural differences, Taxidermy, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2020| 7 Comments »

Dear Jeff Foxworthy:

Congrats on your new show. It sounds like a lowbrow “Antiques Roadshow.”

Dare I say it’s the redneck version.

That tracks. You made your money by calling out the kind.

I have a terminal degree in my field, work in higher education and wear suits/dresses to work (even in the age of COVID-19).

You’d trust me to teach and mentor your college-aged children, right?

But under the collar of my professional lady clothes, my neck is red.

Proof:

  • I’m barefoot even as I write this. When we lived on a lake in Savannah, I could go days without wearing shoes. I never let myself get Jiffy Feet, though. That’s gross.
  • I sincerely miss the annual Dublin Redneck Games.
  • I like taxidermy. Specifically bad taxidermy. Preferably things I stuff myself.
  • I used to drive a crappy Ford pickup truck. Stick shift. So old the shine was gone from the paint. I recarpeted it myself. Sometimes when Eddie drove it, I’d roll down the window and stick those bare feet out of it.
  • Give me a beer over a cocktail any day.
  • I don’t have anything against boxed wine.
  • My favorite summer outfit features a concert T-shirt and cutoff jeans. (Not Daisy Dukes, though. I have kids.)
  • My idea of fun is tubing down a river.
  • I carry hot sauce in my bag.
  • There’s local moonshine on the liquor shelf.
  • I own overalls.
  • I used to have chickens, all named like pets. (Trish still appears as the header on this blog.)

Read Full Post »

And the award for best actor goes to … my 14-year-old son #ThankfulThursday #ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 23, 2020| 6 Comments »

Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences:

I’d like to nominate my son Gideon for Best Actor in a Leading Role. As Prisoner No. 4 in “Quarantine 2020,” he was as good, if not better, than last year’s winner Joaquin Phoenix.

The humanity — the pathos — he brought to his role really is unparalleled.

Just look at his commitment to character in this scene with his father:

And his performance during last night’s climax when all our test results came back negative?

It featured effusive kissing, hugging, brother-wrestling: All you would expect from an Oscar-winning performance. The display featured the emotional depth of Sally Field in “Norma Rae.” (And watching it was akin to watching her acceptance speech for “Places in the Heart.”)

So I present Gideon for your consideration.

I’ve blocked my calendar for the nominations announcement March 15, 2021.

Warm regards,
Beth

Read Full Post »

Wholesome prison blues #SundayStories

Posted in Apartment life, Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2020| 5 Comments »

Dear Prisoner No. 4, aka Gideon,

You know that saying, “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time?” Well, in this case, you really didn’t do the crime. You are innocent.

That still doesn’t mean we can set you free, Smooth Criminal. You are incarcerated until we all get our test results.

The family that tests together stays together.

You did get time out of your cell for the testing, but that was not a good time for any of us.

Prisoner No. 4 submits to testing.

We all suffered. Dominic claimed it was “nasal rape.”

You certainly haven’t lost your sense of humor.

On the way home, we had this conversation:

Me: When we get home, I have to go out to buy more wine as someone didn’t follow the list.
Daddy: I thought it was a “pick one” list instead of a “get all.” What if I bought a bunch of wine, and you got mad?
Me: It’s like you don’t even know me. I would never get mad at too much wine.
You: That’s something an alcoholic would say.

Laughter ensued.

In a way, I suspect you are loving captivity.

You don’t have to do your chores.

You can eat in your room.

Your brother isn’t able to harass you.

And we’ve sort of made a joke of it.

Anyway, you can rejoin society (i.e., us) in 3-5 days when we get (negative, we hope) test results back.

Love you despite your record,
Mama

Read Full Post »

Testing 1, 2, 3 #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2020| 3 Comments »

Dear Coronavirus:

You’ve affected every aspect of my life and the lives of others, but I guess we won’t be meeting in person. At least not right now.

I was sure we had a date. You remember.

So I submitted myself to your truly heinous screening process:

I drove through a tent where people in hazmat suits stuck a stick up my nose, carved out some of my brain, and tried to pop out my eye from the back.

This could be me if the woman had a death grip on the steering wheel.

That’s how it felt.

They said they’d let me know if you were ready for me.

But to borrow from and butcher the work of Randy Travis:

Since my email still ain’t pinging,
I assume it still ain’t you.

And that’s really for the best. All your exes say you aren’t fun.

Kthanksbye,
Beth

UPDATE (July 5 at 7:51 p.m.): I finally got an email. Negative, as I suspected. But peace of mind is everything!

Read Full Post »

Appetite for destruction: Coronavirus (i.e., my Corona) #SundayStories

Posted in Advice, tagged , , , , , , , , on June 28, 2020| 4 Comments »

Recipe for Disaster

Ingredients:

1 night feeling a bit dizzy
1 slight cough
1 morning sore throat
1 article about a Texas family

Method:

Set the first ingredient aside for 24 hours. Then add the second ingredient. Set that mixture aside for another 24 hours. Add last two ingredients, and whip into a frenzy.

Place frothed mess that is surely COVID-19 onto a refreshed CDC website. Set a test timer for one week.

While the timer is running, think carefully about the ingredients.

Remember:

  • The three sleepless nights leading up to the first.
  • The fact that major construction is happening on the floor below the office where you’ve been spending many hours every day. (Hello, construction dust!)
  • Sleeping on your back. Mouth open. Possibly snoring. (Gasp! No!)
  • That only one of the ingredients is a common symptom of the ‘Rona.
  • It’s pollen season. (Ohhhh. Riiiiight. Allergies.)
  • And also you wear a mask every time you are in public, which is not often, AND wipe down and/or spray everyone and everything that enters the house.

Add a good night’s sleep and reminders to fermented stew.

Poof!

Toxic brew evaporated.

Read Full Post »

Mr. Strangelove or how I learned to stop worrying and love being a host #WildLifeWednesday

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2020| 4 Comments »

Dear T—–,

Since Eddie and I listed our downtown condo on Airbnb last year, we’ve hosted all types of people. You have the distinction of being the guest who stayed the longest, and are — by far — the most “interesting.”

I appreciated you coming and staying a while. You helped pay the mortgage on the place when the bookings dried up thanks to the Coronapocalypse.

I definitely feel like I earned your money, even from the first day when you couldn’t find the building (despite me texting you the address three times). Eddie was going to walk down the street and help you with your bags, but you said you had too many.

That was my first clue that you were not planning on staying just the three days you originally booked. And also that you’re not so great at instructions/rules.

I feel like I got to know you really well over the first 48 hours when you sent me 75 texts (I counted). Thanks for letting me know about the various credit cards you like to use, your habit of carrying around $5K in cash, your sleeping habits, your mom’s new restaurant, her birthday, your professionalism and your disdain for the security lady at the front desk.

Near the end of your first booking, we started our stay-extension dance — a dance we repeated four times. I feel like we truly cemented our relationship over the 112 additional texts during your stay.


It’s charming that you developed a pet name for me. I thought the first time was a slip of the fingers, but I became “Bethy” or “Love” for the duration.

I was so amused that I forgave you for locking yourself out three times. But I’m having trouble forgiving you for not returning the keys and parking pass.

To be honest, I didn’t know what to expect when you finally did check out. Let me tell you: I have an active imagination and had concocted various scenarios.

However, it was cleaner than I expected. I could have done without the weird, greasy residue on every surface, though.

Let me know when you want to come pick up your bong.

Also, thanks for the review. Maybe I should start a dating service too.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Bethy

Read Full Post »

AITA for expecting my son to keep his room clean? @AITA_reddit #SundayStories

Posted in Parenting, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2020| 4 Comments »

Dear Judging Community:

My son (15) has few responsibilities around the place he shares with me, his father and brother (13):

  1. Keep up with schoolwork.
  2. Take out the trash and recycling.
  3. Keep his room clean.

In return, we don’t harass him, and we give him an allowance.

As he is a 15-year-old boy, you can imagine he is not holding up his end of the bargain.

It’s No. 3 that’s really bothering me at the moment.

Y’all, look:

Those are clean clothes that have been on the floor for more than two weeks.

Well, they aren’t clean anymore, of course.

I know they WERE clean because I dried and folded them.

Lest you thing I regularly do his laundry, let me explain: He put his clothes in the wash, then “forgot” about them. I needed to do laundry, so I finished them up.

I see now I should have just put them in the trash.

We’ve had numerous arguments about this.

He says it’s his room, and he will clean it up when he’s ready.

I say it’s slovenly behavior, and he never should have let it get like this. But as he did, he should clean it up. Now.

So Community, AITA for expecting him to keep his room clean?

Before you answer, one more thing I need to tell you.

He asked for a few of my Oreos, then ate the entire package without a word to me. I found the empty package in the trash.

So. AITA?

Thanks for weighing in,
Beth

Read Full Post »

So many people who are TA. Join me to read/comment/marvel. @AITA_reddit #ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayTantrums

Posted in Advice, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2020| 3 Comments »

Hey Everybody!

Some days, the only thing keeping me going, joy-wise, is AITA on Reddit via Twitter.

Lingo to know:
AITA=Am I the Asshole?
OP=Original Poster
NTA=Not the Asshole
YTA=You’re the Asshole
TA=The Asshole (duh!)
ESH=Everyone Sucks Here
NAH=No Assholes Here
INFO=Not Enough Information

I go for the posts and stay for the comments. (Hats off to @WholeManDispose EVERY TIME!)

Anyway, let’s play a Coronacation game.

Here’s a multiple-choice quiz based on recent submissions. One rule: Make your guesses before checking out the feed. Answers below.

1. An OP complained about his wife sticking her hands down her pants at the dinner table. What was she doing?
A. Fixing her underwear.
B. Trying to be sexy.
C. Checking to see if it was her time of the month.

2. Are any of these appropriate at the dinner table?
A. Yes, OP is TA.
B. No, OP is NTA.

3. In a post just two days later, a different OP complained about his girlfriend bleeding all over their sheets during her time of the month. Why did this happen?
A. She didn’t realize she could still have periods.
B. He refused to buy her sanitary products at the store.
C. She didn’t feel like getting up to get a pad.

4. An OP complained about her husband refusing to name their soon-to-be-born son a family name (first-born son tradition for more than 100 years) so she wouldn’t be disinherited. What was the name?
A. Adolph
B. Gaylord
C. Stacey

5. In No. 4, the community determined what?
A. OP is TA and will scar her child for life.
B. OP is NTA and family traditions are important. Also, money.
C. ESH.

6. There is a follow-up post to No. 4 from the OP regarding the impending divorce.*
A. True
B. False

7. An OP, a nurse who leaves the house to work, complained that her husband, a lawyer who works from home, didn’t help her 8-year-old son find his dog while she was at work. What was he doing?
A. Cheating on her.
B. Taking care of their six-month-old daughter.
C. Playing Xbox.

8. An OP is mad that his girlfriend didn’t do what during the pandemic?
A. Organize her bedroom just like his.
B. Text him back after he texted her 31 times.
C. Come live with him instead of her parents.

9. An OP asked if he is TA for secretly getting a paternity test on his son. Why?
A. OP is white and his wife is black. His son is darker than his daughter.
B. OP thinks his wife cheated on him.
C. OP had a vasectomy, so therefore knows B.

10. An OP wants to know if she is TA for telling her stepdaughter not to switch out the food for OP’s cat, Mango, for what?
A. Human food.
B. Generic dry cat food.
C. A vegan diet.

Bonus point!
11. An OP is bewildered that the community determined that he is TA for what behavior?
A. Trashing his son and daughter-in-law on Facebook for lying about going to the in-laws’ house for Mother’s Day.
B. Being such a jerk that his son felt he had to lie about his whereabouts.
C. Doubling down on his actions in the post after the community weighed in.
D. All of the above

 

Answers:
1-C
2-B
3-C
4-B
5-A
6-A
7-C
8-A
9-A
10-C
11-D

* An update to the update: OP now claims it was all made up. Eh. Who cares? We’re all bored.
 

 

Read Full Post »

Mother’s Day done right #Sunday Stories

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2020| 1 Comment »

Dear Boys of Mine (all three),

Thank you for making this Mother’s Day the best ever. For real.

You know last year I wasn’t happy at all. It was not because you didn’t do the “right” thing. It was because you didn’t do anything on the day at all.

But this year, you made it right, and then some.

First, breakfast in bed with a side of “Hoarders” on the TV (you know how I feel about that show).

Then a treasure hunt with gifts, including my new food obsession: Flamin’ hot popcorn. (No surprise there, I’m sure.)

The hunt culminated in a homemade movie that made me cry. Twice.

Finally? Lunch based on a tomato soup commercial I saw yesterday. (You know the one: It features grilled cheese.)

So thank you for making me feel loved.

I love you too.
Mama

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »