As many of you know, I’ve been taking what I’ve termed “murder-prevention trips” during the pandemic. As I’ve mentioned, I’m an extrovert who likes to travel. The pandemic was hard for me for those reasons, as well as the fact that my children and I were all up on each other trying to work/study.
(First-world problems, I know. We did not have nearly the issues that many, many other people had. But this was my reality, and I’m acknowledging its difficulty.)
I’m not an indoor cat.
Look at what Dominic got me (on his own!) to commemorate my latest trip:
Plus, my favorite band was playing their first gig in a billion years (i.e., 18 months).
I am such a huge Anglophile — constantly amused and/or impressed by the things I find. This jaunt was no exception.
An all-in-one station. You don’t even need to move your hands. Genius!If it’s needless, why is it there?Ew! No. That’s an assault on humanity.I asked the waiter what this was on the saucer. He said, “Flake.” I said, “A flake of what?” It’s chocolate. We Americans don’t have that.Brilliant!I love that it’s a “Demand” button instead of the more polite “Call.”I’ve never seen a toilet shaped like this.Well, OF COURSE there will be nudity. It’s the UK and “naked” is in the title.
I’ve promised Gideon a birthday trip there in May, COVID willing. Maybe he’ll be as delighted as I am with the cultural differences.
I would like to propose Five Text Languages. I’m pretty sure everyone I know falls into one of these categories.
Actual words
Gif
Emoji
Bitmoji
None
Words: I text in full sentences with proper grammar and punctuation. (Of course I do.) Gideon does too. Dominic texts in words without grammar or punctuation, and I want to die.
Gif: My niece Chelsea is definitely a Gif fan. This is my second favorite way to communicate.
Emoji: Eddie is an emoji user. And sometimes I can’t figure out what he means.
Bitmoji: Trish the Human is a bitmoji fan, as is my new friend Andy. (A discussion with him was the inspiration for this post.)
None, aka radio silence: This style is no style at all because these people DON’T TEXT back for DAYS, if ever. Brian and Edgar, I’m looking at you.
Which one are you?
I’m guessing you use words because you are an author.
Dear Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross,
We’ve been together for more than 25 years. I know some people don’t like you, but I do. (Yes, I know some parts of your lives are problematic.)
It took me a while to start hanging out with you. But after Episode 6 of Season 1 (“The One with the Butt”) in Fall 1994, I couldn’t ignore you any longer. We have my friend Heidi to thank.
Heidi: Do you watch “FRIENDS?” Me: No. Should I? Heidi: Yes. You are Monica. Monica is you.
That is the episode with the shoes.
Heidi isn’t the only one who has made the connection over the years.
In my defense, I lived with a complete pig my first year of college. She was the kind of person who would spill milk and just leave it. She wore my clothes, got beer all over them, and put them back in the closet.
I don’t like to clean, though. I just hate clutter. If everything is put away, it doesn’t LOOK dirty.
But I digress.
Artifacts from your lives arrived in Atlanta, so I had to go see them. I took the family. I’m definitely the biggest fan in the group as I met you when I was at the same stage in my life as you.
And yes, I do see myself in Monica. I also like to cook.
Thank you for always choosing time with me as your birthday present. I can assure you that I love the annual family trip to Cape Cod for the Fourth of July.
This year was rough for everyone. We ALL needed the long weekend.
I haven’t laughed so much in a while.
It started on the way there.
The airline staff made the announcement about early boarding for parents traveling with children in car seats.
Me to Dominic: What if you were your size, but you still had to sit in a car seat? Dominic: (Snorts) Me: Safety first! Dominic: His bones are brittle!
We got there expecting nice weather so we could hang out on the beach. I don’t know why. Even a cursory glance at the forecast would have told me to expect indoor activities. And I’m a meteorologist! Yes, I’m suitably embarrassed. Like I said, I packed aspirationally, not realistically.
Thankfully, you had Cards Against Humanity, Family Version.
It started with this:
What killed Old Joe? Stuff.
Continued with these:
Soon, you were laughing as hard as I was.
And don’t forget the saga of the stick wine (aka Baboon Wine). (I still don’t remember how that name came to be. It’s because I had too much of the stick wine, I know.)
Great weekend ingredients: Stick wine, sunsets, fireworks and “Mermaid Water.”
And wearing a “comfy” for an evening stumble walk on the beach.
I enjoyed all of it.
It was great to see you and hang out with Matt and the kids. I’m totally cool with Elsa and Gideon getting married. 🙂
Gideon and I look happy. Of course, I took this just as we arrived. Ignorance is bliss.
Dear Six Flags Management:
My son and I visited Six Flags Over Georgia yesterday. A Saturday in June. We must have been high to think that was a good idea.
You can’t do anything about the sun or the heat, but you CAN do loads about the rest of the experience.
My complaints fall into three categories: customer service, your app and basic human needs.
1. Customer service
You have none. Not a single person working there wanted to work there. That was clear. And some who were “working” were not.
Case in point: Macho Nacho.
We went into the restaurant at 1:14 p.m. — prime lunch time. Though there are two sides, only one side was open — despite the fact that there was food out and ready to go on the unmanned side AND you clearly had the staff on hand.
A few minutes later, four employees came in with Icees and stood around watching the others work.
It was at this point that I went partial Karen and emailed guest relations.
Meanwhile, my son faded into oblivion.
One other thing: If you are going to advertise that you have guacamole, please have guacamole.
2. The Six Flags app
As I am a diamond member, you send me surveys all the time. You always ask about the app. I always tell you it sucks.
Why? It’s useless. It doesn’t provide any information you can’t get inside the park all over the place.
You know what makes a theme park app useful? Ride wait times. Every other theme park app has them.
Not yours.
Plus, you have to have cell service to use the app. Service in your park is nonexistent. And your WiFi?
Right.
One of the incentives to use the app is the chance to earn points with checkins. (What these points go toward is a mystery, but whatever.)
Great, right? Haha! No.
“Too far away?!” I’m IN THE LINE.
3. Basic human needs
People need food, clothing and shelter.
I would argue that you deprived us of the first for longer than necessary (see Complaint No. 1).
No. 2 is not applicable here. I live in the South. I know how to dress for a day at the theme park.
No. 3, though, is applicable when it comes to the rides. There is no reason you can’t have canopies over the lines for the rides.
We wanted to go on the Goliath, but the wait time appeared to be an hour in the broiling sun.
I would argue that hand sanitizer is now a basic human need. Why have sanitizing stations when you don’t fill them regularly? We tried five before we found one with fluid.
Also bathrooms need to be stocked with toilet paper. I can’t believe I have to tell you that.
After one ride and lunch, we were ready to leave.
Gideon: I’ve had enough for today. Let’s go and come back on a weekday or some night. Me: Good plan.
Please don’t send me an after-visit survey unless you really are planning to implement changes.
I’m surprised if I have any still. My last post was June 1. That’s more than three weeks: The longest dry spell in years.
In my defense, I’ve been very busy trying to stay alive.
Both of my children are now driving.
Each child presents a different patience challenge.
Gideon has a hard time with turns. And curbs.
Dominic doesn’t like stop signs. Or using his turn signal.
I sit (mostly) quietly in my seat concentrating on my heart rate. I try not to go for the grab handle (known as the “oh shit” handle) or stomp on the imaginary brake.
All that’s fine; they are learning.
But then, when I’m driving, I’m subjected to a critique:
Dominic from the back seat: Did you use your turn signal? Me: Yes!
Gideon on the way to the store: You took that turn pretty fast! Me: (side eye)
I feel lucky. You are all really good kids. I like you, and your parents seem great too.
I spent loads of time with you over the weekend as it was Gideon’s birthday. I laughed so much.
Let’s recap:
Friday night, I took Roscoe and Gideon to meet Trent to see “A Quiet Place 2.”
Gideon: I forgot my debit card. Roscoe: I have $2. All: [pause] Roscoe: I’m ballin’ Me: [howling] Big pimpin’
Saturday, on the way to Six Flags, I discovered Cole is not a fan of roller coasters. He must really like Gideon to agree to go to a theme park with him.
We drive up to the entrance and see a coaster.
Me: That’s the Georgia Scorcher. You stand up on it. Cole: [blanching] Me: Are your hands clammy now? Cole: My whole body is clammy.
Y’all are at that age where you don’t really want parents around, so Eddie and I peeled off.
You found us at Macho Nacho.
Me: Where’s Dominic? Gideon: He wanted a turkey leg, so we left him. Me: Dang. That’s cold.
Eddie and I felt sorry for Dominic, so we went to find him.
Me, calling Dominic: Where are you? Dominic, sounding annoyed: I’m getting a turkey leg. Me: Where? Dominic: At the Sky Screamer Drinks and Eats. It’s across from the Sky Screamer. Me: We’ll be right there.
We get there, and Dominic tells me he has had the exact same conversation with Josh, Gideon twice, me, then Roscoe. I started laughing, because he repeated the conversation each time for my benefit.
An hour in line (no exaggeration), he finally had his leg.
This is my son. (I do this too.)
We had to leave Six Flags. It was just too crowded. Clearly there’s no COVID in Georgia. 🙄
Trent chatted amiably with me on the way back to the car. I learned all about his job search. And other things.
Trent: I just need about a thousand dollars for equipment. Me: When you get your job, that will happen soon. What kind of music do you do? Trent: I rap for Jesus. Me: Oh! Ok. You have a rap name? Trent: It’s Trent Truth. Me: That’s great!
We decided to resume Gideon’s birthday at the pool.
The next day, we took Dominic and HIS friends whitewater rafting. I’m eternally shocked at Dominic and Gideon’s choice of music for car rides.
Dominic: Green Day to Bee Gees to Taylor Swift Gideon: Neil Diamond to Doom
And then there’s Adem’s choice of footwear. I was surprised to learn Crocs are hella trendy again.
Adem: I’ve got my Crocs in support mode.
That meant he used the back straps. Dylan could have taken a page out of Adem’s book.
If you are on the Ocoee River and find a shoe, it’s Dylan’s.
I feel fortunate. I do. My children have chosen wisely.
Your brother is a reporter after his mother’s heart.
Dominic: Did you know Gideon’s got a girlfriend? Me: What? No! Him: For a month now. Long distance. She lives in Arizona. Her name is Kate [redacted]. Me: What? How did they meet? Him: On Yubo. We made Dylan download it because he’s got no girl. Me: Is that like a dating social media app for y’all? Him: Yeah. Like Tinder. Me: Tinder for kids. Kinder!
😂
(I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your server!)
Observe and report 