Posted in Random, tagged Bright ideas, Death, Media, Rage, Travel, Weird on December 7, 2010| Leave a Comment »
Well, the story of the Sharm el-Sheikh shark just got weirder. I thought the anthropomorphism was bad, but the story 36-hour Tina forwarded is much worse.
Read and marvel at the full article. This is an image of the “spy” shark, taken moments before one of the attacks.
Wait — are those robotic fins and laser beams I see? And the Israeli flag too?
Posted in Random, tagged Beer and wine, Bright ideas, Food, Rage, Travel on December 4, 2010| 2 Comments »
My friend Tina and I just spent 36 hours together in New York City.* We’ve been friends for more than 20 years, so getting together with her is like wearing your favorite broken-in shoes. (Not that I’m comparing my friend to footwear, of course.)
While together, we:
One of those topics was pessimistic vs. optimistic people. She and I tend to be optimistic, but there are those in our circles who are most certainly not.
A faulty washer and subsequent flood does tend to cloud the sunny disposition, though.
Imagine this floor with two inches of water:
Intrigued? Yes, a sad little story follows.
We stayed in Tina’s sister’s place on the Upper West Side — a fantastic Riverside Drive address. Marion was in Florida and graciously let us stay. In return, we wanted to leave the place tidy with clean sheets. Tina left very early yesterday morning, so my job was to wash the sheets using the washer/dryer in the kitchen.
After the rinse cycle, I went into the kitchen and found the flood. Expletives followed. I spent an hour and a half physically mopping and mentally freaking. (Side note: I’ve met Marion three times, maybe.)
I even had to move the refrigerator.
As Tina’s other sister, Ann, remarked, “No good deed goes unpunished.”
I called Tina and left a message for Marion. Then the super appeared. Glenn was alerted to a water problem by a tenant on the 12th floor. Marion lives on the 16th floor. Yep. It was that bad.
Thus began a series of unfortunate events that challenged this optimistic person. So let’s look at those events from two points of view.
WASHER LEAK
The dark side: Massive flood that trickled down four flights and seeped into parquet floors — in the condo of a woman I barely know.
The bright side: I was still in the place when it happened. And Marion came home to clean sheets!
FEDEX SHIPPING (I offered to take another round of packages to FedEx for Tina, and I needed to send some of my own. The closest place wanted to charge $80, so I had to find an actual FedEx shipping center — 20 blocks away.)
The dark side: I carried 30 pounds of packages 20 blocks.
The bright side: I need the exercise, and my biceps got a workout.
AIRPORT RUSH (Because of all of the above, I ended up running late to get to La Guardia. To make matters worse, I had to get to the airport during Friday afternoon rush hour. I took the subway to 125th street and waited for the M60 bus. After a long wait during which I was silently screaming more expletives, I suggested to the four other La Guardia-bound people that we share a cab. They agreed, and the four of us got to the airport at 6:15 p.m. My plane was supposed to leave at 7!)
The dark side: I waited 45 minutes in the cold for a bus that never came, and then shared a cab with strangers. During the ride, I nearly soiled myself out of fear that I was going to miss my flight — the last direct one of the night.
The bright side: I made my flight, and even landed a little early. Plus, I met some interesting new people who all made their flights also.
I always say that it is great when good things happen. But if something bad happens, there is still something good: It makes a great story.
Hope you enjoyed mine!
* While in New York, I also had a lunch date with frequent blog contributor He Who Has Three Names: Shane Marshall Brown. Yay!
Posted in Random, tagged Beer and wine, Food, Kids, Parenting, Peeves, Rage on October 11, 2010| 7 Comments »
Perhaps I’m too strict. Or perhaps I had kids late enough in life that I remember that people without kids don’t usually like to be bothered by kids. And sometimes even people with kids don’t like to be bothered by kids.
Eddie and I do not let our children run amok in restaurants. We refuse to be that family with the ring of detritus around the dinner table. I don’t need extra napkins because my children WILL NOT make a mess.
Yes, maybe I’m too strict. Or maybe I’m considerate.
I certainly would not allow Dominic and Gideon to amuse themselves by turning deck lights at Tubby’s Tank House off and on, off and on, etc. The mother of young Artemis and Arcadian (yes, those were their unfortunate names) had no such qualms.
My friend Pam and I were trying to have a nice quiet evening. Thank you, idiot mother, for ruining that plan. It will not scar your children for life for you to tell them to “cut that out right now.” You can correct them. That’s your job. Artemis and Arcadian will have plenty of friends in their lives (well, maybe). They only have one mother. Show them how to act!
And if you are unable to make them behave in public, stay home.
Posted in Random, tagged Bright ideas, Peeves, Rage, The Gym on October 8, 2010| 4 Comments »
I finally had a Friday off and I spent most of it going to two more group exercise classes: Pilates and Line Dancing. (In case you are counting, that makes five group sessions this week. Five!)
To me, Pilates is what we used to call “calisthenics” back in the ’80s. We weren’t all fancy then. All we had was Jane Fonda and her legwarmers.
Now there are balls, mats, elastic bands, weights, etc. At this class, there was also a sweaty, inflexible man next to me who grunted as he exhaled. Jane never grunted. I don’t think she ever sweated either.
By the time my abs were screaming a sound only dogs could hear, it was time for the next class. Even though it’s supposedly geared toward seniors, I was excited about line dancing. I still mourn the death of Stetsons on Mall Boulevard, which is where, many years ago, I two-stepped my little heart out a couple of times a week.
The class consisted of the instructor, me and two other ladies. I had what I never want in a group exercise session: individual attention. And I was the youngest by at least 20 years.
Subtract two, add me, and that's the class.
At least I didn’t complain. Eleanor complained. Loudly. About a variety of things. Some elderly ladies seem sweet and kind, like Betty White. Eleanor was like Betty White’s older, bitter, spinster sister.
I shouldn’t judge, though. At least she was there and trying to stay active. Rock on, cranky cottonhead!
Posted in Chickens, tagged Chicken coop, Chickens, Clipping, Death, Kids, Loneliness, Parenting, Pets, Rage, Trish (the chicken) on October 4, 2010| 6 Comments »
Convicted serial killer accused of fifth slaying
From Staff Reports
BLOOMINGDALE, Ga. — Convicted serial killer Maggie The Dog is the only suspect in the murder of Shelly The Chicken. Shelly’s father, Eddie Concepción, found the bird’s body Sunday night in the back yard of the family home. Maggie’s younger sister, Mona The Dog is listed as an accomplice.
“I knew the dogs were a little too anxious to go outside,” he said. “Mona was not returning to the house, so I got the flashlight and started shining it around. I saw the two legs and knew.”
Warning: Graphic image
Concepción reported that Shelly must have left the side yard while the family was at a birthday party at Monkey Joe’s. When the family came home, it was dark. According to Concepción, they did not know of Shelly’s escape when they let Maggie and Mona outside.
Shelly’s mother, Beth Concepción, was clearly distressed. “We had a breakthrough yesterday,” she said. “She finally came up to me and wanted to be petted. We were making such progress on her socialization!”
According to the family, neither Shelly nor her sister Jeanne had ever left the side yard. However, sources close to the investigation reveal that Beth had said both chickens were about due for a wing clipping.
Beth reports that Jeanne, who shared a coop with Shelly, is holding up well under the circumstances.
“She just seems really sad and lonely,” she said. “I’m afraid this tragedy also will push back egg production.” Neither chicken had produced an egg yet.
Maggie had been convicted of the March 2010 murder of Trish La Gallina and the April 2009 murders of Trish’s three sisters. She had done time inside the house and outside on a leash before being released on parole.
On behalf of his delinquent dogs, Eddie is asking for understanding and forgiveness.
“I don’t think we should have chickens. Either train them to be guard chickens or get rid of the dogs. Chickens and dogs cannot coexist,” he said. “Apparently, there is some kind of code we don’t know about that Maggie is forced to enforce.”
Eddie’s son Dominic took additional steps to ensure peace in the Concepción household.
“Dominic had a talk with Maggie and he said that she’s not going to [kill] again,” Eddie said.
The family held a private service in conjunction with trash pickup.
Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged Apostrophes, Definitions, Peeves, Rage on September 2, 2010| 2 Comments »
Why are apostrophes so difficult for some people? Either something is possessing something or it isn’t. If it isn’t, then it just needs an “s.”
The person who writes the promotional materials for Monkey Joe’s needs a refresher course in the rules.
Let’s take a closer look:
What is that apostrophe doing there when “fundraisers” should be a simple plural word? I’ll tell you what: making the person seem dumb.
And since I’m on the subject of appearing to be dumb, let’s talk about this phrase:
I could care less.
If you really could care less than you do, then that is correct. However, people usually use it to mean, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.” In that case, the correct phrase is:
I couldn’t care less.
And that means the speaker really doesn’t care at all.
If you use the wrong phrase, you seem dumb to people like me who care about proper usage. And then I couldn’t care less about you.
Harsh? Maybe. Truthful? Yes.
Posted in Random, tagged Bright ideas, Kids, Parenting, Peeves, Pets, Rage on August 12, 2010| 6 Comments »
Dominic and Gideon wake up before Eddie and I do. We’ve been strongly encouraging them to stay in their rooms and play quietly.
This morning, Eddie left very early to open the gym. Usually, the kids are up when he leaves at 6:30. Not this morning. I was pleased, thinking they were playing quietly or still sleeping.
I should have been worried.
About an hour later, I woke up again — this time to Dominic yelling, “Mama! I made Gideon look like Aang!”
Aang is the main character in “Avatar: The Last Airbender.”
And here is Gideon as Aang.
Yes, that is Sharpie permanent marker all over him (it was in Gideon’s room to mark his height chart). Here is the back view for your enjoyment:
(I promise we feed him. He’s going through a massive growth spurt.)
So cute. So awful.
The "artiste," "Aang" and Mona (who doesn't care what kind of crap anyone has on his face)
Dominic realized he had made a mistake when he saw the look on my face. He started saying he was sorry, but what could I do? I laughed. I laughed to keep from crying.
I guess I should be happy he has artistic talent.
Posted in Grammar, etc., Random, tagged Atlanta, Bright ideas, Food, Kids, Parenting, Peeves, Rage, Spelling, Travel on July 29, 2010| 6 Comments »
Some friends of ours returned from Abu Dhabi for the summer, and wanted to take a family trip to Atlanta.
It was an opportunity we could not refuse.
We stayed at the Hilton Garden Inn because of its proximity to the places we wanted to visit, and because Hilton was offering a package called “The Great Getaway” that offered free breakfast. Sign us up!
Here are the places we visited:
In addition to all the wonderful beasts of the waterways, the aquarium also has a whale slide. Billy, who is not a small man, decided he would try it out. Dominic said, “The whale’s gonna choke!”
Gideon and Mana enjoy some alone time.
It’s less a museum and more an educational Monkey Joe’s. Lots of screaming, running, banging, etc. And the kids made noise too (ba-dum-dum). Let’s just call it “collaborative learning.”
Gideon plays with the moon sand.
That place seemed so much bigger (and cooler) when I was an elementary school kid on a field trip. We saw the Galaxy Gameshow at the planetarium. I think the kids enjoyed it, but I don’t really know. I was asleep. And so were the other three adults. In fact, Eddie said as we left, “So we paid $12 for a nap?” Yes, yes we did.
Fernbank is to the American Museum of Natural History as CitiTrends is to Henri Bendel.
It’s my favorite mall in Atlanta, and I used to work in one of the clothing stores when I was in college. (I won’t say which store because it is just too embarrassing, even for me). We weren’t really there to shop, though. I had to get the hinge on my MacBook Air fixed. While I was doing that, everyone else ate ice cream.
The screaming stopped when they got ice cream.
This is my favorite hotel in the world, and I love this restaurant. It’s a little pricey, but it is worth it for the view.
Lunch over Atlanta
On the way there, I noticed this sign.
Only in the South, y’all.
No visit to Atlanta is complete without a naked dog with cheese, fries and an FO (Frosted Orange). Of course, then I slip into a grease-induced coma, but I don’t care.
The plan was to go to The Old Spaghetti Factory (cheesy but yummy and cheap) but it was closed. (For those of you keeping count, that’s the fourth of my favorite restaurants that has closed in the past year. Am I bad luck?) So we went across the street to Mary Mac’s. Despite it being an Atlanta landmark, I had never eaten there. It is Mrs. Wilkes’ Dining Room and The Lady & Sons restaurant in a larger environment. A butter-induced coma ensued.
There were two pools — one outdoor, one indoor — and a jacuzzi. With five kids in the party, though, there are bound to be time-outs, even at the pool. The award for Best Actor in a Dramatic Role goes to my son Gideon for his role in “Pool Party, Pity Party.”
Time-out, party of four
I found another lovely sign here also.
Does the “mangement” handle identifying the “persons with communicable diseases” using the pool?
Overall, it was a fun trip, but also very exhausting. I think Dominic would agree.
All tuckered out
Posted in Random, tagged Bright ideas, Death, Kids, Parenting, Rage on July 24, 2010| 1 Comment »
When I let the dogs out this morning, I decided to go out also to check on my (rather pathetic excuse for a) garden. It is a good thing I did. Look what I found:
“COPPERHEAD!” my inner girly voice shrieked. The mom, independent woman and rational voices immediately gave that other one the smackdown.
Eddie was taking his Saturday morning constitutional with the SCAD Bike Club, so I was left to my own devices. Ordinarily, I’d leave a snake alone. This one was on my patio, though. I have kids to protect.
So, I looked in the shed for our hoe or shovel, but they were nowhere to be found. Plan C was the post hole digger.
I calmly approached the interloper with my chosen weapon (which was freakin’ heavy, by the way). It saw me coming and slithered under the carcass of the blow-up water slide that has been on our patio for weeks (a sore subject for another time). I beat the snot out of that section of the slide with the post hole digger.
Slowly, I lifted the corner. The snake was not there. I lifted the corner a little more and saw it. My flailing had delivered only a flesh wound.
It coiled and tried to strike. I went berserk.
I think it's dead now.
I turned around and Dominic was looking at me through the window. His eyes were very wide. I couldn’t tell if he thought it was cool, funny or frightening.
Great. He’s probably scarred for life.
Posted in Random, tagged Bright ideas, Kids, Parenting, Peeves, Rage on July 14, 2010| 16 Comments »
Is it wrong that I am counting down the days until school starts again? I am teaching three online classes so I can be home with the kids every day during the summer.
And that was a mistake.
I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I admire women who are. And those women who homeschool have my ultimate respect.
Let me assure you that I love my children with all my heart. I think they are funny, interesting little people. I would take a bullet for them. I adore them. However, my amount of patience is inversely proportional to the amount of time spent alone with the boys during the summer when they have extra energy and less self-control. And the days are longer.
Women don’t like to admit stuff like this. They pretend they are always so Zen with their kids. And maybe some are. But I’m not, and I want to talk about it because I know I’m not alone. This sounds like some kind of addiction meeting: “Hello. My name is Beth, and my kids drive me crazy.”
Every day, I say one of the following sentences. (See this related post for sentences I never thought I’d say.)
1. Leave the dog alone.
2. Stop standing on the furniture.
3. Please stop yelling.
4. Keep your hands to yourself (and its corollary: Leave your brother alone).
5. If you don’t put those toys away, I’m getting a trash bag and I’ll put them away for you.
This week, I’ve also been saying this every day: “No, we can’t watch ‘Land of the Lost.'”
Loss of patience can lead to mother rage. That concept is addressed in a hilarious manner by Anne Lamott in this post that is rather old, but still apropos.
Can I get a “Holla” here? Anyone?
 | Beth on You like sarcasm? You’ll… |
 | Martha Kennedy on You like sarcasm? You’ll… |
| Beth on I’d like my taco to go … |
 | kfirebaugh2015 on I’d like my taco to go … |
| Beth on I’d like my taco to go … |
Observe and report 