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Posts Tagged ‘Rednecks’

I’d like my taco to go …

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2025| 5 Comments »

Dear Trump (aka Tacolini):

I was at your birthday “party.” It was an accident, believe me. I booked a flight months ago to go to Washington, D.C., for a conference. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I realized I’d be flying in on the day of your vanity parade.

What a waste of taxpayer money. It’s as bad as your weekly golf trips.

Yet we can’t afford cancer research, SNAP benefits, Medicaid, an HIV vaccine, etc.

Sure. 🙄

Anyway.

I’m staying up near DuPont Circle, which was a ghost town. I assumed it was because everyone was still at a No Kings protest or at your thing.

Maybe the former, but certainly not the latter. Admittedly, I got there near the end. (Yes, I went because I’m nosy).

I expected to see a whole bunch of your acolytes. I saw maybe three obvious ones and a couple I suspect.

Maybe these folks? 🤷🏻‍♀️

It seemed … poorly attended. I thought I must be missing something. I had a look at social media to see.

Oooh. That’s got to sting.

Oh, yes. Look at you:

Sour Puss next to Whiskey Pete, the DUI hire

It couldn’t happen to a worse person. I hope you had a terrible day. Sorry, not sorry.

I have never liked you. That’s never been a secret. You are everything people teach their kids not to be: greedy, petty, vindictive, boastful, willfully ignorant, etc.

And your policies actively hurt most people and help only very rich people.

[For people who say I have Trump Derangement Syndrome, and my life is better because of Trump, you can f—- all the way off. I know my life, and it was made worse by this idiot’s policies the first time (taxes, work experiences), and already this second time (work repercussions).]

I mean, look at you already backing off your immigration stance.

It’s only because you realized it was hurting your wealthy friends who employ undocumented workers.

As I was walking around, I was pleased to see a few things, such as these lightpost signs:

And then, I saw this:

Awww. So much empty.

There was a significant police presence, but not enough humans around to justify.

I heard some sirens and noise, so I followed the sound and found some people leaving the Washington Monument area.

It was a mix of people leaving the parade plus leftover No Kings. Then I went down the block a bit.

Some chanting, that’s it. Peaceful protest.

I was wearing my “Maybe today, Satan” shirt, but I did not get involved. Frankly, in my heart I know not ACAB, but I saw what enforcement folks did to reporters and regulars in L.A. I have a conference to attend, and I can’t do it from the hospital or jail.

Maybe. Maybe not.

So I left, and I ate a lovely dinner at Nando’s. Did NOT raise a glass to you.

I hope you are miserable knowing that millions of people turned out in cities large and small in the U.S. and abroad to protest you and all those who enable you — your junk drawer of a “Cabinet,” the spineless sycophants in Congress, your donors, and anyone who voted for you and still supports you.

I hope you had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

With no regards,
Beth

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Just a joke* #SatireSunday

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 23, 2025| 2 Comments »

COMING THIS SUMMER!

BIG DON and LITTLE BUDDY’S

A new theme park for true patriots only!

Now — a theme park for the most important people of all: STRAIGHT WHITE MEN.

Only STRAIGHT WHITE MEN are allowed — preferably married men wanting to get away from the ol’ ball and chain. Leave that shrill harpy HOME where she belongs!

Only AMERICANS — except for TYRANT TUESDAYS when Americans can bring a straight male friend from one of the following countries: Russia, South Africa, and Hungary.

Only the RICH. You must make more than 360 large. NO POORS. Show your bank statement with your ticket.

Nothing WOKE here. WE GUARANTEE. You never have to see a Pride flag or a black face.**

NO DEI either. Our rides are run by the cream of the crop: TEENAGE INCELS.

Get 20 percent off OLD GLORY merch at the GRIFT SHOP and a coupon for free FREEDOM FRIES at the GUANTÁNAMO BAY BISTRO when you give the Sieg Heil at the gate.

RED, WHITE, AND BLUELAND is affiliated with the ALL NEW John F. Kennedy and Kid Rock Big Ass Honkytonk Center for the Performing Arts and Rock ‘N’ Roll Steakhouse. The MARCH LINEUP features Kid Rock, Jason Aldean, Lee Greenwood, Ted Nugent, Billy Ray Cyrus, John Rich, and Monster Truck Action with the WORLD-FAMOUS TRUCKASAURUS. Also, David Copperfield.

‘MURICA!

*For now. I think. If you like this idea, you might be a racist. If you are offended, ask yourself why.

**But if you want to wear blackface, that’s totes fine here at RED, WHITE, AND BLUELAND. It’s not just for Halloween anymore!

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Truth is stranger than fiction #ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2025| 6 Comments »

Isn’t FOX News basically a scam targeting seniors? I can see why this administration wouldn’t want seniors to recognize a scam — like voting for a con man.

Hey kids!

Auntie Beth has a fun new game for you. It’s called Truth AND Consequences.

We’ll start with a scenario. You decide if it’s real or if Auntie Beth’s fertile imagination made it up Onion-style. Here’s an example:

Trump administration fires more than 300 staffers at the National Nuclear Security Administration. Rehires them the next day when they realize those people oversee America’s nuclear weapons. But wait: They can’t locate their personal contact info and are asking remaining employees for help.

Is this real or fake news?

If you answered real, you are RIGHT!

Are you ready? Here we go!

USDA accidentally fired officials working on bird flu and is now trying to rehire them.

REAL!

A reality TV star in charge of transportation weighed in on autism research promoted by an anti-vax former (?) heroin addict in charge of health.

REAL!

Trump just delegitimized a vaccine he was proud of getting to the public quickly.

REAL!

A non-elected, non-government person with no oversight has been given broad access to internal, confidential U.S. government databases and is making sweeping decisions on funding programs based on whether he thinks they are valuable or not. Oh, and he makes $7 million per day from the very same government.

FAKE NEWS! Elon Musk makes $8 million per day from all his federal contracts.

VP Vance refused to meet with the Chancellor of Germany, but did meet with the leader of the far-right German party who calls Holocaust remembrance a “guilt cult.”

REAL!

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson and Senate Majority Leader John Thune said that Trump cannot continue to govern through Executive Orders — that they are done being “his bitches,” and he must work with Congress.

Please. Are you kidding? That’s as FAKE as RFK Jr.’s tan. Those two couldn’t find a spine if they were locked overnight in the Brooklyn Bone Museum.

The man above was busted for:

A. Serving minors in his bar.
B. Drinking on the job.
C. Cheating on his taxes.
D. Causing an international PR crisis.

This is a toughie. It’s D for sure, but also likely C and B (though it LOOKS like A if you happen to just glance at the TV*).

Old man who has been accusing everyone of spending too much money spends $5 million for a joyride around a racetrack.

REAL!

Two Republican reps have introduced legislation to increase your bank fees.

REAL!

And one wants to rename Greenland to “Red, White, and Blueland.”

REAL!

A woman reported to be a Chinese spy has been chosen to head national intelligence for America.

FAKE NEWS! Tulsi Gabbard allegedly works for Russia.

The President of the United States of America declared himself king.

REAL!

The Internal Revenue Service is about to lay off 6,000 employees in the middle of tax season.

FAKE NEWS! It’s closer to 6,700.

The image above is of:

A. Mr. Potato Head in human form.
B. A man who claimed that advising people of their rights is a crime.
C. A contributor to Project 2025.

The answer is both B and C, but A also appears to be true.

The wheelchair-bound governor of Texas signed a bill overturning the very policies that are supposed to help disabled people get a fair shake.

REAL!

How many out of the 15 did you get right? (Were you even able to add up your score through your tears and/or blinding rage?)

This is America, y’all. Schoolhouse Rock didn’t prepare us for this bullshit.

The United States has three branches of government. At the moment, only the executive branch and judicial branch seem to be active. The Republicans in Congress seem to be OK with Trump governing via Executive Order.

Auntie Beth says if you don’t like it, call your Senators and Representatives. Auntie Beth knows that a woman’s place is in the resistance.

*According to my friend John.

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Songs, suplexes and a savior on the sea #SundayStories

Posted in Music, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 9, 2025| 2 Comments »

Dear Friends and Family,

This time last week, I was on a cruise. I didn’t pay the exorbitant fee for ship WiFi, and I was thus blissfully unaware of Leon and his band of Hitler youth interns hijacking the Treasury. Among other things. 🙄

Oh those halcyon days!

Anyway.

What kind of cruise?

Chris Jericho’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling Rager at Sea.

Listen: I grew up in Georgia. Y’all know I’m a redneck.

Wrestling was a part of my childhood. Dusty Rhodes, the American Dream, was like kin. One of my first crushes was Robert Fuller, whose tag-team partner was Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man.

All Elite Wrestling is the best. It’s far superior in storylines to World Wrestling Entertainment. It’s like a soap opera featuring sweaty men. And one of the best characters is Chris Jericho. He understands the assignment.

Jericho is on the right wearing a onesie featuring cats and tacos.

Jericho also fronts one of my favorite bands: Fozzy. Fozzy performed on the cruise, along with a bunch of other bands.

Wrestling AND rock music? It’s the perfect combo for me. I’ve been wanting to go on this cruise for years.

Pre-trip, people would ask where the ship was going. I answered, “I don’t know. I don’t care.” Turns out: Puerto Plata, DR. Fine. I was there for what was happening on the Norwegian Gem.

In addition to Fozzy, the lineup featured the return of Great White. Yes, THAT Great White. They have a new singer. He’s very talented and VERY young. Was DEF not alive during the band’s first go ‘round.

The singer bears a striking resemblance to 20-hour Tina’s daughter Elsa.

Others: Kuarantine (another Jericho-fronted band, this one focused on KISS covers of the no-makeup years), Guardians of the Jukebox (all covers), Excitable (a Def Leppard tribute band), Nocturnal Affair (a screamy metal band), and — another favorite of mine — The Hot Damn!

Love them. Listen to “I Didn’t Like You Anyway” or “Automatic.”

And then there was the wrestling.

Ricochet and Komander put on an acrobatic show. This isn’t your dad’s wrestling extravaganza.

There was at least one show per day along with photo opps, autograph sessions, podcasts and random other events — events like a belly-flop contest.

Here’s Will Ospreay with his stellar attempt.

As you are all on a boat together, you could find yourself riding the elevator with Toni Storm.

Or passing Turbo Floyd of the Outrunners in a hallway.

He’s right out of the ‘80s all the time!

Or standing in line at the bar with Jesus.

What was hilarious later is that Fozzy has a song called, “Drinking with Jesus.” The crowd was SO EXCITED and lifted this man up to the front. Sadly, Jericho didn’t even notice. Missed opportunity, I say.

As for drinking, I started the cruise still doing Dry January. Friends, that is a rough choice. ROUGH. Especially when I hear fellow passengers say things like this about their own drinks:

“I’m drunk, and I can tell that’s strong. Got DAMN, that’s strong!”*

But I made it.

And I didn’t get crazy on the trip, either. Unlike others. Look at Will Ospreay’s face after a night of drunken karaoke:

Let me tell you: Cruises are GREAT for people watching.

On the last day at sea, my traveling friend and I sat and watched people for hours. I asked him if he was going to get a chair massage like the dude next to us.

He said, “Absolutely not.”

I said, “Why not? You liked the last massage you got.”

He said, “That was in a nice relaxing cave. This is on a ship surrounded by weird people with Great White doing a sound check in the background.”

Fair enough.

Five days, four nights of events tailored to my interests? Yes, please.

I mean, JUST LOOK!

I’ll tell you this: It was the first time on this cruise, but it won’t be the last.

Who is coming with me next time?

Let’s go!
Beth

*Yes, “got damn” with a “t.”

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Runnin’ with the Devil* #ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2025| 5 Comments »

Dear Satan,

Well, you’ve outdone yourself: Getting “Christians” to criticize someone espousing the teachings of the Bible AND to accept two Nazi salutes in one day?

Impressive.

I would have said Hell would have frozen over before I saw these two things.

It did snow in Florida, so I guess that’s close enough.

Here’s Dominic in the snow in Pensacola, Florida. Florida = Hell for me as long as DeSantis is in charge.

Trump sold his soul to you, didn’t he? That is really the only way to explain his rise to power and the loyalty to and love for him.

Trump fans: “Back the blue! We are the party of law and order!”
Trump pardons people who killed and injured police officers.
Trump fans: “I didn’t see it.” “Are we making a big deal about the pardons that Biden put in place? That’d be worse.”

Trump fans: “Gas is too expensive. I can’t afford eggs! Trump is going to help the regular folks.”
Trump nominates billionaires to cabinet positions and invites others to his inauguration while — quite literally — leaving regular folks out in the cold.
Trump fans: “Sounds great! They will put America first.”

Trump fans: “Trump knows what he is doing. Musk is intelligent. He’s innovative.”
Musk gives what appears to be the Nazi salute not once, but twice.
Trump fans: “Oh, he’s autistic.” “It was just awkward.” But also from the actual Nazis: “We are so back.”

Musk is really smart but not smart enough not to do what looks just like a Nazi salute? And I know many autistic people who don’t run around doing that gesture. Make it make sense. Satan, is this your idea of Hell on Earth for me outside of Florida?

Succeed in what, Leon? SUCCEED IN WHAT?

There’s an excuse for every damn thing. No one ever says, “Yep. That was wrong. I don’t agree with it.” It’s always, “But Biden did this thing … “ or “I work for Trump.” No, you work for the American people.

Trump signed 42 executive orders and 115 personnel actions on the first day (many of which sound a whole heck of a lot like Project 2025 — not that Trump had any knowledge of that at all, of course).

Among them are these winners:

  • Requiring all federal workers to return to in-person work, as well as a directive to address the cost-of-living crisis. I’m sure that order is going over well with workers. And I’m no genius like Musk, but I’m thinking that the cost of living is much lower in rural areas instead of cities where federal workers might have to be in the office. If they could work from home from these areas, it might kill two birds with one stone. But what do I know?
  • Ending birthright citizenship protected by the 14th Amendment. Nice try, but Trump can’t change the U.S. Constitution with an Executive Order. Both chambers of Congress would have to pass the amendment with a two-thirds majority, plus at least 38 states would have to approve. Not so easy peasy. Fun fact: People have said that four of his five kids won’t be citizens anymore, but that isn’t true: One parent had to be a U.S. citizen at the time of the child’s birth. But guess who WOULDN’T be considered a citizen anymore? Kamala Harris (probably why petty Mr. Trump is so keen on getting rid of the protection). You know who else? Vivek Ramaswamy. Oh, and new Secretary of State Marco Rubio. C’est la vie!
  • Withdrawing from the Paris Agreement. Why? Because it doesn’t hold everyone accountable like it should? Ooookkkayyy. The reality is that climate change is fast making this planet unbearable. I’m not understanding how people can say that humans can control the weather and are responsible for the L.A. wildfires but NOT for climate change in general.
  • Withdrawing from the World Health Organization. Why? Because they hurt Trump’s fee fees during the COVID pandemic for how he handled it? If the United States is out, it’s likely China will step up. That would give them more worldwide influence. Is that a good idea?
  • Renaming Gulf of Mexico and Denali to Gulf of America and Mount McKinley respectively. Regarding the first, GTFO. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I mean, fine. I guess Trump can make the United States do what he wants, but he can’t make the world call it that. Regarding the second, there is some ridiculousness at play here. Just look at this from the White House website:
Denali already is named to honor our nation’s history — Native American history as it comes from Alaska’s Koyukon Athabascan people, translating roughly to “The Great One.” A prospector named Dickey started calling it Mount McKinley in 1897; the federal government officially named it McKinley in 1917. Alaska reps started trying to get the name changed back to Denali beginning in 1975 and finally succeeded in 2015, over the protests of the reps in McKinley’s home state of Ohio. OHIO. By the way, McKinley never even set foot in Alaska. So which history is Trump honoring? A president who only served for four years (1897-1901) or, you know, an entire people and country that existed before white folks showed up? That’s a rhetorical question. I know whom Trump likes.

I genuinely think Trump does and says crazy things every day so that he keeps the focus and also so that no one has time to really give any of these things full attention. Nothing gets even one full news cycle. Not that the national news is doing any kind of real news reporting. (And I say that as someone who was an actual news reporter.)

Anyway, back to the beginning.

“But mah eggs!”

Listen, kitten, eggs are not going to get cheaper. First, there’s the H5 bird flu — now found in a Georgia commerical poultry plant (fun!).

Second, Trump has rich friends he wants to please (see above).

A 50-page plan from the House Ways and Means Committee outlines exciting ways to give tax breaks to wealthy people and corporations and all the things they can cut to pay for it:

Handouts include removing the estate tax for millionaires, lowering the corporate tax rate to 15 percent, and repealing the corporate profit minimum tax of 15 percent. Cost? $1.2 trillion.

Ways to pay for it? Well, they aren’t going to turn around and tax those same people. Guess who pays? I’ll take “working families” for $100, Alex.**

How? By removing the mortgage interest deduction, raising taxes on single parents, raising taxes on college students, eliminating the tax credit for child care. Oh right, and the tariff on imports, which will be passed along to consumers because THAT IS HOW TARIFFS WORK.

Satan, you have really done a number here. You convinced so many people to vote against their own best interests. Congratulations! Really, good job! During the election, there was one candidate promising $25K toward a down payment for a house. Now the one who won — your buddy! — is taking away a tax credit for people who somehow manage to actually own a house. Delightful!

Really spectacular work. You’ve gone above and beyond.

I’m SO EXCITED to be living in this timeline, Satan. Thanks so much for your machinations.

(Maybe I should have added a trigger warning for extreme sarcasm.)

Sigh.

At least this train wreck can’t go on indefinitely. For you to get a soul, the person has to … expire. No one lives forever.

Not that I’m wishing death on anyone or anything. Of course not.

Maybe good ultimately will win.

Maybe some people in power will discover they have spines.

Maybe you’ll get distracted by a Georgia kid named Johnny or something.

Who knows?!

One can only hope.

Anyway, congrats! You’re winning. #tigerblood
Beth

*It’s only Van Halen if David Lee Roth is singing. Otherwise, it’s Van Hagar.

**Don’t believe me? Read the pdf.

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Just another MAGA Monday* #MondayMadness

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2024| 8 Comments »

To Trump Voters,

Well, it appears you got what you wanted.

Now we are all in the Finding Out stage of F—-ing Around.

I hope it works out, but I’m afraid it won’t.

I haven’t forgotten his first term,

Though I’m not a fan of Biden’s Department of Education (see FAFSA failure), Trump’s was terrible too (hi, Betsy DeVos).

Now he just wants to just get rid of the DoE altogether.

Without the Department of Education, what becomes of special needs programs? Head Start? Pell Grants? FAFSA overall?

Oh, money is going back to the states? Riiiiight. Sure it is. I’ll bite: How? What’s the process? How is it not going to be a disaster like FAFSA was/is?

Why do I care? I work in higher education. I am worried about my job in a way I’ve never had to worry about in any other presidential election.

Also, Vance called professors “the enemy.” So that’s great. 🙄

If I lose my job, I can’t sleep on the street. SCOTUS said so.

Plus, I’m middle aged. The sidewalk would hurt my back.

Ordinarily, if the candidate I voted for didn’t win, I’d be disappointed, but I’d go about the business of living my life. Just regular grousing.

It’s different now.

Among many other ‘bright’ ideas, Trump said he wants to bring back prayer in schools (which is a violation of the separation of church and state, and unconstitutional as of 1962), eliminate birthright citizenship (which is against the 14th Amendment of the Constitution**), and plans to go through with mass deportations of millions of people (with “no price tag” — isn’t that the OPPOSITE of smaller government you said you wanted?).

Y’all did say you care about the economy and immigration, so let’s start with the latter.

I don’t think you know who picks your food. Who works on your roads. Who builds your houses. And it will deter people in the tech, engineering and medical fields as well.

There will be a price tag, alright. And we will all pay it.

Deporting illegal immigrants will collapse our economy. Also, we are talking about HUMAN BEINGS with full lives and families in this country. What are they going “back” to? What about the people who have no ties to their country of “origin?” What’s wrong with you?

So let’s talk now about the former, supposedly a big issue (even though the Economist says the U.S. economy is the envy of the world).

Someone wrote on Twitter (it will never be X to me):

Hard times create Democrats.
Democrats create good times.
Good times create Republicans.
Republicans create hard times.***

It’s worth noting that EVERY REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT has had a recession. Economies perform better under Democratic presidents.

You don’t believe me? Look it up.

dO yOUr oWn rESeaRch.

I did my own reconnaissance on the price of things, just for an “OMGTHINGSARESOEXPENSIVE!!” baseline. (They aren’t.)

Note that I’m in Oregon, where cost of living is higher for many things. Produce tends to be lower, though. Still, I’ll check back in on these prices once Trump really gets going.

It’s worth noting that this is the lowest gas has been since I moved here.

I meant to take a pic of coffee. That’s something we import the shit out of. And bananas and sugar. I’ll document those on my next grocery run.****

If Trump starts with his insane tariff plans, costs for all those will go up.

I don’t think you understand tariffs. Or economics. Or definitions of economic systems.

Let me help.

Capitalism: Private individuals and companies offer goods and services. They control production and distribution.

Socialism: The community owns goods and services through a centralized government. Individuals can own property.

Communism: Everything is owned by an authoritarian government. No private property.

Marxism: A critique of capitalism that focuses on the exploitation of workers. Marx said the next step is socialism after the workers rebel.

And while we are at it, here are three more:

Fascism: A system of government where a dictator has complete power — squashing criticism and opposition while emphasizing extreme nationalism.

Authoritarianism: A system of government where the power of the state — either one person or a small group not accountable to the people — is more important than individual freedom.

Oligarchy: A form of government in which a few people or a dominant class holds all the power.

Huh. Those three sound a little too familiar.

Anyway. I did what I could before the election to counter the misinformation you all were lapping up like my naked cat drinks water. I tried. And I voted. Even though my ballot has STILL not been counted, according to the online tracker. (Starlink, again?)

All I can say is this:

I hope you get what you voted for.

Beth

Just putting this here for proof. Ignore the apostrophe (“High’s”). The rest is accurate. (I didn’t make this graphic.)

*Sorry, Bangles.

**Not that it matters because the majority of SCOTUS carries water for the Orange One. And it’s not like he cares about what’s legal anyway.

***A change to this quote.

One final thing: I DARE someone to say, “Your body, my choice” to me. It will be hard for him to speak again with his balls in his throat. #fact

Try me.

And I love this guy.

****UPDATE: Photos from my last grocery run

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Gypsies, Tramps, Thieves, Liars, Fools and Marjorie Taylor Greene* #SundayStories

Posted in Education, Politics, Technology, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2024| 8 Comments »

Hey kids!

Auntie Beth is back to help you make sense of the weather.

If Marge from the holler is trying to tell you the gub’ment is controlling the weather, don’t believe her.

This is the same person who thought that Jewish space lasers caused California wildfires.

Also, she’s PART of the government.

Also, she’s said humans don’t cause climate change (but if they did that it’s good for us.).

But humans DID cause Hurricane Helene?

Really, it boggles the mind.

But MTG isn’t the only halfwit out there tweeting (er .. Xing) nonsense.

  1. Application (louder for people in the back)
  2. Abandoned
  3. Sound waves
  4. Joins applications for fun things like time travel and invisibility cloaks and urinal headrests
  5. Can’t we get rain over deserts?

But wait, here’s more:

Ok, y’all: I’m going to address just one thing to bring the rest of this nonsense into focus:

These storms brewing in the Atlantic at the same time? Not a coincidence.

That’s right. That’s because IT’S HURRICANE SEASON.

Hurricane season runs June 1-Nov. 30 EVERY YEAR.

It’s at its most active in late August and September when water temperatures in the Gulf and in the Atlantic are at their warmest.

(Reality check: When was Hurricane Katrina? Aug. 29, 2005. Who was president? George W. Bush. When was Hurricane Andrew? Aug. 24, 1992. Who was president? George H. W. Bush.)

Facebook reminded me I was worried about the path of Hurricane Matthew at this time eight years ago.

So a little check back around this time every effing year would find a few storms brewing in the Atlantic. These storms have gotten more intense. Why? CLIMATE CHANGE, YOU ABSOLUTE TURNIP.

(Ok. I’m breathing. I’m breathing. In with the good air. Out with the bad.)

Back to the U.S. government controlling hurricanes. Does it? No. Did it? If you count some light cloud seeding back in the 1960s-1980s? Still no (it didn’t work).

Auntie Beth recommends you stop believing complete buffoons and liars and start believing and helping people who want to do things such as:

  • Reduce carbon emissions
  • Replace and repair critical infrastructure
  • Find and fund insurance for homeowners and renters in areas potentially most affected
  • Build storm-resilient structures
  • Develop new clean-energy sources and technology

If you can’t do that, at least stop sharing misinformation on Leon’s sinking barge of barf.

Auntie Beth thanks you.

*Sorry, Cher.

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Not my first rodeo #SundayStories

Posted in Cultural differences, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2024| 3 Comments »

Dear Yamhill County Fair,

You have everything I would expect in a county fair:

Rides assembled and operated by ex convicts
Parking in a field
Odd signs (“shave ice”)
“Food” in the form of corn dogs and funnel cakes
White people in overalls

You also have some things I didn’t expect:

Hats with fake Trump hair
Goats with unusual pelts
The biggest trough of curly fries I’ve ever seen
A rodeo (photo by Amy)
Me as a chicken (photo by Amy)
Inflatable cattle
Sleepy pigs

And Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Thanks for an interesting time!
Beth

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The heat is on* #SundayStories #Summertime

Posted in Home Sweet Home, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2024| 7 Comments »

Dear Summer,

Listen: I know plenty of people like you. We were all conditioned to like you because that is when we finally got a break from school.

But imma** be real with you: I hate you. You can GTFO.

I don’t like to sweat. It’s why I prefer exercising in the water.

I don’t want to lie in the sun and bake.

I’m not a fan of wearing shorts.

I moved to the Pacific Northwest where I was promised clouds and rain.

Yet here you are, Summer. Coming in hot.

Literally.

It was above 100 degrees for a few days last week.

My office is on the third floor of an old building with no air conditioning.

My house does not have central air.

Many places here do not have AC.

Why? It was never needed.

Now it is.

For you MAGA idiots who “do your own research” squawking that climate change isn’t real, let me tell you something:

It really f—ing is.

I have a degree in meteorology. For real.

(Ok, I’m breathing. Deep breaths. In with the good air; out with the bad.)

Anyway, no air.

When I got here and noted this travesty, people said to me, “But Beth, you are from the South!”

Yes, and we have air conditioning everywhere. In fact, the AC is so strong that you keep a sweater in your car just in case.

Not here. I even took the usual sweater off my naked cat so he could stay cool.

It’s not over yet. Tuesday will be hot too.

And I remember last year when we had 107-degree temps for a week in August. Fun.

So, Summer, please go. Fall, you’re the one that I want.

Kthxbyeeee,
Beth

*Glenn.
**Stealing from kids today.

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Southern comfort #SundayStories

Posted in Home Sweet Home, Travel, tagged , , , , , , on April 11, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Dear Fellow Southerners:

I don’t think we know just how weird we are until we get around people who “ain’t from around here.”

Y’all* know I was just in Savannah. While there, I had to load up on things I can’t get in Oregon.

  1. Collard greens. When I find them in Oregon, the leaves are small and anemic. I’m used to ones the size of tobacco leaves.
  2. Barbecue sauce. Vinegar-based. Don’t give me any of that sweet Kansas City crap.
  3. Crab Shack hot sauce and seasoning. They also have a mustard-based barbecue sauce that’s pretty good.
  4. Applewood-smoked bacon. There is no comparison to meat from the Ogeechee Meat Market.
  5. Pimento cheese-flavored popcorn. Yes, please.
  6. Fresh okra. I asked for it at Roth’s the other day, and you would have thought I asked for a package of human fingers.
  7. Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. That is not a Southern thing, but there’s no runnin’ on Dunkin’ in the PNW. Probably because of Starbucks. I don’t want DD ground coffee. I can get that. I want the in-store brewed coffee. So I froze a Box o’ Joe and packed it.

More than half of my 44-pound suitcase (!) filled with groceries.

One morning this week, I woke up singing “BFE” by Kane Brown. That was the morning I decided to have fried okra for breakfast. That’s right: cut, bathed in egg, coated in a mix of seasonings, flour and corn meal. For breakfast. I made it slightly healthier by popping it in the air fryer.

And so I’m singing the song, dredging this okra in breading, and I realized this:

You can take the girl out of the South, but you can’t take the South out of the girl.

I smiled, and kept on going.

My okra was amazing.

Look at it!

Clearly, I ain’t from around here.

And that’s ok. It makes me appreciate my background even more.

All y’all have a good day, ya hear!

Your Redneck Friend,
Beth (the devil who went down to Georgia 😂)

*Legit contraction not limited to the South anymore.

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