Observe and report

Dear Friends Who Also Are Parenting Boys:

In my last post, I asked you to tell me the crazy things you never thought you would say. My Facebook feed blew up with sentences that did not disappoint.

Here they are in all their glory, along with the name of the beleaguered parent who shared (thank you!):

• “Stop touching Jackson’s penis, you have your own.” [Jackson is a dog.] (Maya)
• “Is that poop or mud? Wait, let me smell it.” (Wendy)
  
• “Is that poop or chocolate?” (Stephanie)
• “Quit playing with your penis in the living room.” (Afton)
• “Get your balls off the counter.” [Yes, THOSE balls.] (Also Afton)
• “Stop wiping your boogers on the ________.” (Afton again)
• “That IS a big poo-poo!” (Still Afton)
  
• “Oh please don’t pee on me.” (Elizabeth, mother of a newborn)
• “Wash your feet. Every. Day.” (Amy)
• “Washing includes more than just standing under the water! Use soap. All over your body. Rub it around. All over your body. Then rinse it all off.” (Mary)
  
• “How have you survived 9 years of life … you’re just now figuring out what happens when you stick something metal into an electrical outlet?!” (Also Mary)
  
• “Why does the upstairs smell like piss?! I swear to almighty God if I open your toilet lid and find you haven’t flushed upstairs in days, I will bolt this bathroom shut and you can go in the yard.” (Mary Catherine. And also, he did. And she did. And he did for a week.)
  
• “Wash your hands! Use soap!” (Mary Catherine again)
• “Don’t lie to me; that’s the same pair of underwear you’ve had on for 3 days. You smell.” (Still Mary Catherine)
  
• “Wiggle wiggle wiggle. Wiggle wiggle wiggle.” (Mary Catherine again, reporting that this came from the shower)
• “Stop behaving like an animal.” The reply: “But mom, I am just a mammal.” (Mary Catherine FTW)
• “NO chain saws in the living room!” (Said to both father and son, according to Vanessa)
• “We don’t jump on the trampoline with our penises out. Put it back in your underwear.” (Amber)
• “Yes, you’re allowed to say ‘bad ass’ in this instance, but don’t go making a habit of it, ya got me?” (Said by Billy, referring to a suit of armor for an imaginary man cave)
  
• “You can’t just come back to life after your brother killed you!” Don’t cheat; you’re now on the sidelines until all the kids are dead!” (Eddie)
• “Um is that TP hanging from your butt? Did you even finishing going? If you leave it there it dries on and is harder to get off. OK in the bath tub.” (Erika)
  
• “Do not call yourself Lil’ Woody at recess.”(Kelley)
• “Don’t put your penis on the TV.” (Chrissy)
• “Don’t wipe boogers on the cat!” (Marguerite)
  
• “Go ahead. Whatever happens is on you.” (Kimberly)
• The son: “I just want to climb this tree.” The mom: “Go ahead, and see how far you get.” The reply: “You’re always ruining my fun.” (Kimberly again)
  
• “Who put the athletic cup in my purse?” (Caroline)
• “The dog brought three waffles down from your room today. Stop leaving food up there!” (Caroline again)
• “How can you still be hungry? You just ate a footlong Subway!” (Also Caroline)
• “Why are there empty cereal boxes in the pantry?” (More Caroline)
• “Get the earbuds out of your ears! I’m talking to you.” (Still Caroline)
• “I don’t care who started it! Just stop!” (Caroline one more time)
• “Don’t bite your toenails. That’s just gross.” (Caroline has three boys)
  
• “We do not eat people!” (Stephanie)
• “You can NOT go to school naked!” (Stephanie again)
• “If you’re not dressed in 2 minutes, you’re going to school naked.” (Stephanie with the mixed message)
  
• Son #1: “Mom! He’s looking out my window!”
  Son #2: Continuing to stare intently out his brother’s window.
  Me: “He’s breathing your air too so get over it.” (Pam)
  
• “Those clothes/that camping gear/that (pick a sport) uniform cannot touch the carpet anywhere in the house.” (Michele)
• “No, you cannot eat the whole chicken/roast/side of beef. Leave some for the rest of us.” (More Michele)
• “Socks, especially stiff ones, go in the laundry basket.” (Michele one more time)
• “You are not leaving this house until you figure out what that awful smell in your room is.” (Shital)
• “Get that mulch/beetle/mustard bottle out of your mouth!” (Shital again)
  
• “Are you ever going to remember to flush the toilet?” (Nicole)
• “Do you realize that not doing your homework makes me want to strangle you?” (More Nicole)
• “OK, how about let’s try that again, but this time tell the truth.” (Nicole again)
• “It’s fine with me if you can’t get your driver’s license until you’re 18.” (One more from Nicole)
  
• “You must flush the toilet every time you use it! There is pee all over the floor!” (Amanda)
  
• “I am not your maid!” (Also Amanda)
• “Hey! Stop! No [sniffing] armpits.” (Candy)

There are a few themes here, including being preoccupied with body fluids and functions. And I know from being married to a man that not much changes in adulthood.

Yours in solidarity,
Beth

P.S. Parents of girls, I don’t want you to feel left out. I’ll post your crazy comments too. Please share them below or via Twitter, email, DM, Facebook, Hando’s Instagram page — whatever!