Posted in Politics | Tagged Bureaucrats, Politicians, Rage, Soldier support | Leave a Comment »
Dear Those of You Who Believe the World Revolves Around You:
You’re so vain, you probably think this post is about you. OK, it is.
Break out of your “me” zone and take this advice when you travel:
1. If you are standing in line and your nose touches my shoulder, you are standing too close to me. Back the eff up!
2. If it is clear that people in front of you are part of a family traveling together, please do not insert yourself into the group because you are anxious to get on the plane. Please wait just a hot second. I assure you that you will be able to get on the plane before it leaves.
3. Do not leap into the airplane aisles as soon as you hear that special ding. Again, just wait. You will get off the plane, I promise. Your decision to wait can save others from getting their feet stomped on and experiencing a face full of butt.
4. Learn the rules of walking. I can help with that. Read this.
5. Stand back from the baggage carousel. When you see your bag, you can move forward and claim it. If you huddle around the carousel, you impede egress and cause a jam. You also are likely to get whacked with a bag. (A consequence you would richly deserve.)
Let’s work together to make the world a better place.
Thank you for your attention in this matter,
Beth
Posted in Advice | Tagged Peeves, Travel | Leave a Comment »
Dear People of the World:
Some of you clearly are not aware that there are rules for walking in public — especially when the area is crowded. Please let me help you help everyone:
1. Standard procedure is to walk on the right, pass on the left. (Hey, it’s like driving! Yes.)
2. If you are walking with someone else, try not to take up the entire path. If you are walking with many someones, DO NOT walk side by side. Walk two and two if you must, just like animals headed into the ark.
3. As Joe told Cody repeatedly on “Dual Survival,” “Move with a purpose!” Please do not amble aimlessly. (My friends Heidi and John call violators of this rule “Meanderthals.”)
4. Do not stop suddenly to take a selfie (or any picture, really).
5. If you whack someone with your big-assed bag, common courtesy dictates that you should issue an apology (even if it is just “Sorry!” tossed over your shoulder as you blow past).
6. If you need to have a conversation, move to the side and out of the way. Do not have this conversation in the middle of the path, thus blocking passage for others.
I know the world is a fascinating place. You should indeed stop to smell the roses. Just make sure you aren’t in the middle of a sidewalk when you do it.
Thanks for your attention,
Beth
Posted in Advice | Tagged Peeves, Travel | Leave a Comment »
Dear Ladies Using Public Restrooms:
I know you are busy. We are all busy. Still, I need you to add 24 seconds to your bathroom routine. After you do No. 1 or No. 2, you must follow these simple steps (especially if you do No. 2):
- Look at the toilet. Did you sprinkle when you tinkled? Yes? Wipe the damn seat.
Time to completion: two seconds. - Look into the toilet. Is everything that came from you and/or the toilet paper roll gone? No? Flush again.
Time to completion: two seconds. - Wash your hands. With soap!
Time to completion: The CDC recommends 20 seconds. - Optional step: Dry your hands.
Time to completion: five seconds.
Just 24 seconds of your time (29 if you dry) can mean the difference between a positive bathroom experience and someone (me) muttering “Seriously?!” as she
heads to the next stall or commences toilet triage if other stalls are full.
Thank you for flushing it forward,
Beth
Posted in Advice | Tagged Peeves | 2 Comments »
Dear Fellow Moms of Boys:
I need to talk to you. I need some commiseration time. I need to know that I’m not alone in Crazy Town.
Please tell me that you also have to deal with:
1. Dirt everywhere: skin, nails, various orifices
2. Constant wiener grabbing (It’s still there, I promise! It hasn’t fallen off since you checked the last time!)
3. Watching truly dreadful movies like “Mortal Kombat” and “Mortal Kombat: Annihilation” (and then dealing with the aftermath of reenactment during bath time)
4. Noises
5. Minecraft
6. The world broken into good and evil (That’s it. No middle ground.)
7. Constant sibling harassment
8. Nerf guns and lots of them
9. Constant eating
10. Critters everywhere (“Look, Mama! I found a [frog, caterpillar, worm, roach, dead bird, tadpole, strange-looking bug, piece of trash that looks interesting because it looks like a bug]!)
11. Shoes that wear out in exactly 10 days
12. Knee holes in every single pair of pants (Ladies: Amiright?)
They are either turned up to 11 or asleep.
I feel like a stranger in my own house because I am missing a particular apparatus. Then I think about the alternative. Do I really want to deal with pink overload, dress-up clothes and Barbies? (Yes, I’m stereotyping AND generalizing. Sue me.)
Help me, ladies! While I endure the aforementioned “Mortal Kombat” sequel, remind me why having boys is a good thing.
Their unbridled love of adventure is infectious? Yes.
They simply don’t care about cleanliness? Yes.
They love their mamas? Yes.
Sigh. They really are inspiring. Fine. OK. I cry, “Uncle.”
See you soon; I’ll be out making mudpies.
Beth
Posted in Parenting | Tagged Bright ideas, Kids, Parenting | Leave a Comment »
Dear Readers (if I still have any):
I apologize for my radio silence. I’m working on a couple of posts. In the meantime, please enjoy this piece not written by me.
Working on new stuff,
Beth
Client feedback on the creation of the earth
By Mike Lacher
From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Hi God,
Thanks so much for the latest round of work. Really coming together. Few points of feedback:
1 – Really liking the whole light thing but not totally sure about the naming system. “Day” and “night” are OK but we feel like there’s more we can do here. Thoughts? Definitely need to nail this down ASAP.
2 – Re: the “sky”… not really feeling the color here. Would like something that pops more. Please send additional options.
3 – Appreciate the work on the sea and ground, but right now there’s way too much sea. The ground is getting lost in it. In general, sea does not resonate well with our users. Was talking with the team and the idea of having no sea at all came up. Thoughts?
4 – Noticed you’ve covered the ground in vegetation bearing seeds according to their kind and trees bearing fruit according to their kind. Is this intentional? Please advise.
5 – Right now we’re only seeing two great lights in the sky… a greater one for day and a lesser one for night? Thinking that maybe we weren’t clear in the original briefing. Definitely need more than just two great lights. Need to make this a memorable, high-value experience for our users. Please revisit slides thirteen and fourteen in the deck. Shout with questions.
6 – Seas teeming with life is fine, but again, we need to reduce the sea. This is a showstopper for us.
7 – Are the winged birds final, or placeholder? Some kind of weird stuff going on with those. Just want to get some clarification before giving more feedback.
8 – Can we get more livestock and wild animals that move along the ground according to their kinds? Again, the passion points for our target users (slide eighteen) are ground and animals that move along the ground. Whatever we can do to increase the amount of ground will go a long way toward converting our users from passive consumers into brand evangelists.
9 – Re: “mankind.” Interesting take on the brief here. Big pain point is that mankind is coming across as largely made in your image. As you hopefully recall from the deck, our users are a diverse group (slide twenty-seven) and we definitely want to make them feel represented (slide twenty-eight). Afraid that if our users see fleshy bipedal mammals positioned as “ruling over” the ground and sea (if we’re having sea), they might feel alienated and again less willing to convert into brand evangelists. Let’s fast-track an alt version with mankind removed. Doable?
10 – Please cut all the “be fruitful and multiply” stuff. We’re a family brand and this doesn’t fit with our voice (slide thirty-four).
Realize it’s Saturday and you were planning to be OOO tomorrow to admire your creation and everything, but I’m hoping you can keep rolling on this through the weekend. Need to get this in front of my exec team by EOD Monday so hoping to sync up EOD Sunday. Will be around all weekend via email and chat if anything comes up. Looking to you and your team for a big win here.
Thanks!
Mike
Please consider the environment before printing this email
Posted in Religion (or lack thereof) | Tagged God, McSweeney's | Leave a Comment »
My family and I visited one of your parks today: Islands of Adventure. You have many rules. I hope I can remember some key ones:
1. It’s OK to buy beer at 8 a.m. at the Hog’s Head in the Harry Potter area. It is NOT OK for one person to carry two beers, even if the other adult is carrying a tray filled with $80 worth of food for the rest of the family.
2. It’s OK to take off your shoes to ride the dragon ride. It’s NOT OK to give those shoes to a non-rider. You must put those shoes behind your back on the ride so that they perforate a kidney.
3. It’s OK to buy your oldest child’s weight in Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. It’s NOT OK to try to ship those beans back to your resort with the other items you bought because those jelly beans are “unsealed.”
4. It’s OK for you to take your sandals off on the Bilge Rat Barges and put this water-resistant footwear in the center console to stay dry. It is NOT OK to put sneakers and socks in there, ever. (You keep your shoes on, sir!)
5. It’s OK to be an adult on the kiddie merry-go-round in Seuss Landing. It’s NOT OK for you to be an adult and NOT WEAR THE SAFETY BELT — MY GOD, MAN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!? No one cares if your feet can touch the ground.
6. It’s OK to exceed a weight limit for bikinis and mankinis in the pool at your home resort. It’s NOT OK to throw a football. (What were you thinking?) You can throw your 50-pound child 10 feet in the air, but you cannot throw a Nerf product. Ever. No, sir.
I think those are the major rules, yes? I just want to get it right. Please don’t have your high school SWAT team yell at me any more.
Sincerely,
Beth (a season pass holder)
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
Dear Facebook Friends:
I’m putting you on notice: I will no longer cringe silently and restrain myself from correcting you when you misuse the word “I.” I will now note the correction in the comments to your post.
It’s public shaming, I know, but you have to learn. I don’t know how you missed this in school, but I’m going to help you.
Use “I” when you are the subject of the sentence. Use “me” when you are the object.
Examples:
Correct sentence: Eddie and I went to Tennessee.
Incorrect sentence: This is a photo of Eddie and I in Johnson City.
(Test: Take out “Eddie and.” It sounds stupid, right?)
Correct sentence: Eddie told Linda and me to stop playing Candy Crush.
Incorrect sentence: Eddie told Linda and I to stop playing Candy Crush right now and he means it, by golly!
(Test: Take out “Linda and.” More stupidity.)
This may be painful for some of you. I promise it is for your own good.
You’ve been warned.
Sincerely,
Me
Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged Facebook, Grammar | Leave a Comment »
Auntie Beth is here to help you get that dream job, or at least something that may lead to your dream job. Just so you know, kids, Auntie Beth has never been unemployed, or even underemployed. Auntie Beth has worked her heinie off since the tender age of 15 when she scooped ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. Auntie Beth has no sympathy for whiners.
If you want to work, there are jobs out there for you. “Work comes from work,” said the great sage Jerry Saltz, art critic for New York Magazine, at a recent SCAD event. It is a full-time job to get a full-time job. Get out of your robe, get off Facebook, and get going.
Here are Auntie Beth’s Top Five Tips for Getting a Job:
1. Rework your résumé. Put everything on one page. Yes, ONE PAGE. People don’t have time to sift through your stuff looking for interesting nuggets. Make it easy. Tailor your résumé for each listing. Use their keywords. If you have gaps in employment, use the header “related experience.” If your education is the best fit for the job, put that first. If it is your experience, put that first. Persuade people with your résumé that you are the perfect fit.
2. Do your research. Once you know that an organization is hiring, find out everything you can. What are the organization’s strengths and weaknesses? How can you contribute? What are your unique skills that would be valuable to the organization’s goals? This will help you take on No. 3 below, and will help you if you make it to the interview stage.
3. Use your cover letter to persuade by offering proof. Your cover letter should consist of three main paragraphs. In the first paragraph, explain how you found out about the job. If someone in the organization gave you a lead, NAME DROP. Explain why you want the job and are the best candidate. In the second paragraph, prove how you were successful in previous jobs and tie your proof to what they want. If they say they want someone with time-management skills, don’t just write, “I have excellent time-management skills,” prove it by writing, “I was able to juggle three college courses while working two full-time jobs — one of which named me ‘Sales Leader of the Month.'” In the third paragraph, reiterate why you are the best and explain what you will do next (i.e. “I will call you in two weeks to set up a meeting to discuss the position.”). Then do it. You cannot be passive. (Although if the ad says, “no calls,” you have to respect that.)
4. Network. Use your vast Facebook friends list for good: Tell everyone that you are looking for a job. Tell them what you can do and what kind of job you want. Ask former colleagues and supervisors to endorse you on LinkedIn. Join groups so you get notifications of open positions. Most people get jobs because of people they know. One of my former students tracked down the information on the person doing the hiring for a position he wanted. It turns out that the person and I worked together and are still Facebook friends. He asked for a reference, which I willingly gave because he is industrious and I like him. The chance of you finding a job through simply responding to ads on monster.com is next to nil. Most people will go out of their way to help you and connect you with people they know who are hiring. Follow up on all of those leads and then thank each person in writing.
5. Put on your big girl panties or big boy pants and get out there. Dress for the job you want. Jeans and a hoodie are not going to cut it. Invest in a suit. It is an investment that will pay off handsomely. Go in person in that suit to organizations where you want to work. Drop off your résumé. Be friendly and energetic. They’ll be impressed, I promise. A student of mine did that and had a great job in less than 24 hours. Remember: The worst thing anyone can do is say, “No.” It’s scary but you must do it.
Remember: Your job is to get a job. If you cannot pay for your own living expenses without help, then you are either a student or you are underemployed and need a better job.
Don’t be afraid to take a good job just because it isn’t exactly what you want. Cliché alert: It is a foot in the door and a step in the right direction toward the “right” job — and it pays the bills in the meantime.
Now go get ’em, Tiger. Make Auntie Beth proud!
Posted in Advice | Tagged Bright ideas, Job search, Students | Leave a Comment »
Dear Mr. Rashid,
Thank you for your recent email, which appears to be a forwarded recommendation letter from Gregory T. Hagan. While I’m certainly happy Mr. Hagan was pleased with your services, it might behoove him to proofread his letter. As a writing professor and fan of the English language, I am mortified to see that the letter is one huge run-on sentence. Additionally, is “Hem” a person on your staff or is that your nickname? Or perhaps did Mr. Hagan mean “him” here? Why is his name misspelled in his email address, and why is it included at the end of the recommendation letter, making it look like that is the way to contact you?
If I had been asked to assist Mr. Hagan, I would have edited the letter to read as follows:
I am writing to recommend the services of Abdulla Rashid. I was in urgent need of a loan of $8,000 to pay my bills. A friend recommended Mr. Rashid, who helped me immediately. My family and I are now happy. Please contact him if you are in need of any kind of loan.
I’m dismayed that you would use such a poorly written letter as the first contact with me. It really makes me wonder whether it would be wise to use your services when I have to question your attention to detail. And really, you should have written me yourself first, then provided his recommendation letter as a supplement.
Also, why is your organization offering loans in the first place? Your boilerplate indicates that you provide “innovative plastics solutions.” I see nothing on your website about loans and I see no Abdulla Rashid Salem Jumaan listed on the team biography page.
For these reasons, I must decline your implied offer to loan me money. Thank you anyway. Please send my regards to Mr. Hagan and encourage him to take an English composition course.
Sincerely,
Beth
Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged Commas, Peeves, Spelling | 2 Comments »












