Your water fitness class almost made me tap out. That would have been a first.
I don’t know if it is because it has been a while since I went to a class (<cough> six months <cough>) or whether it is because you are hard core.
Either way, I had jelly legs at the end of the class.
So thank you.
This pool is great for families (see water slides) but not so great for fitness courses in the deep end. I actually accidentally touched another participant because of the proximity. EEEK.
Not your fault.
I laughed when you shouted, “We always like men in here” to the man picking out a water noodle. To be fair, he did suggest he could be a shark among the mermaids (yuck).
And I appreciate that you gave the chatty ladies hell. (No, lady with pink hair, I don’t want to hear another word about your elbow, thankyouverymuch.)
Anyway, as that great sage Arnold Schwarzenegger said: “I’ll be back.”
It’s clear your ex didn’t treat you as well as I treated my ex. However, please do not bring your baggage into this relationship. Please save your drama for times I can do something about it. Like when we are at the dealership for regular service.
I’m not happy that you refused to start the other day. It seemed like it was your battery or starter. In case it was the former, I haunted the nearest intersection until I found someone with jumper cables.
While I was searching for a person with jumper cables, an asshat parked next to me. Why would you do this?This looks like some strange R2-D2 proboscis.
When that didn’t work, I was forced to tow you to the dealership. Jeff, the service guy, is getting used to that kind of call from me.
Thanks so much for inviting me on your trip to Costa Rica with Sister Kara, and your friends Sharon and Brad (aka Bardo). Though you, Kara and Aunt Beth visited me in Atlanta for Mother’s Day last year, this is our first trip together.
I admit that I was a little sad to miss the huge winter storm in St. Louis (it would have been my first). Then I saw these stats: Missouri State Highway Patrol responded to 1,578 stranded drivers and 556 crashes.
Now, my Southern ass wouldn’t have been driving around in that. But Brother Lodell sent video of his freshly shoveled driveway re-covered with another five or six inches of snow.
I don’t have a snow shovel.
So.
It’s best we are here.
No snow. Ever.
And Juancho’s Rancho via Airbnb doesn’t suck either.
Except for the couch. The couch sucks. The couch sucks HARD because it IS hard.
WTF, Juancho?! This is like a park bench!
We had to get a cushion for this monstrosity.
It was nice to meet Juancho. He’s MUCH YOUNGER than any of us expected. A bit of a hottie too. He suggested we go into Jaco for dinner, but you weren’t having it.
You: Not tonight, Juancho. Me (suggestively): Not tonight, Juancho. Kara: Said no one ever.
Kara and I went to bed laughing most nights. Why? Because of stuff like this (so stupid):
The way of life here is much slower than anything American. While waiting for breakfast to be served, Brad and I had plenty of time to notice our surroundings.
Braclets AND necklesses? Wow.
And debate the differences among words.
Por ejemplo: Homeless=circumstantial, not a choice Hobo=homeless with a goal Bum=homeless without a goal
Thank you for letting Kara and me retire to the AC and the dark like mole creatures when we were done peopling for a while.
And there was much rejoicing on the last day when I finally saw a monkey.
Infinite sadness in those eyes. Probably because there’s no monkey dental plan.
Anyway, it was great. Thanks again for the invitation. Let’s do it again next year!
I’m so glad I learned to drive in Atlanta where Nascar has nothing on I-285. If I hadn’t, there’s no way I would have been prepared for you.
Perhaps you didn’t get any drivers education. Let me help.
Pro Tip 1 People getting onto the highway need to be able to merge. Let them in, for crying out loud!
Pro Tip 2 When someone has his/her/their turn signal on, that means the person wants to get over. Oh but wait, none of you seems to know what that is.
Pro Tip 3 The turn signal is a lever on your steering wheel that, when activated, lets other drivers know you want to make a turn or get into a different lane. You are in the Show Me state, so show me your freakin’ turn signal.
Pro Tip 4 It’s helpful to other drivers for you to pick a lane and STAY IN IT. Weaving in and out is annoying and dangerous.
Pro Tip 5 The posted speed limit is not a suggestion. It’s the max. It’s right there on the sign!
Maybe y’all drive this way to avoid all the potholes and road damage.
Seriously, these roads are about as bad as the ones I had the misfortune of driving in Antigua. That’s saying something.
Please, for the love of God, think of your fellow drivers.
Maybe you do have a cold. But also, you might have COVID. Let’s recap the Omicron symptoms:
Cough
Fatigue or tiredness
Congestion and runny nose
That’s right: Also symptoms of a cold.
So before you get around anyone, TAKE A COVID TEST. They are available in stores (you can use your FSA/HSA), and there are free testing sites all over the place.
If it’s positive, ISOLATE, FFS.
And let’s be clear: You shouldn’t be around anyone if you have a cold either.
It’s because of one of you that my son and sister in law had a lonely Christmas.
Gideon hung out with some friends. Two days later, he didn’t feel well. Typical cold symptoms. We sent him to his room. Tested him: positive. Then Eddie, Dominic and I tested ourselves: negative. We waited a day. Tested again. Negative. Waited. Tested. Negative.
Only then did we feel like we were safe to be around other people.
Even though we didn’t have any symptoms.
See how that works? Protecting others?
We just tested again to be safe.
Waiting for resultsStill negative
But Christmas 2021 is the one Gideon will remember as the one where we made him wear what amounted to a HazMat suit to open his gifts.
Poor Positive Gideon
I haven’t ever gotten Coronavirus [knocks wood], and I don’t plan to get it. I’m not taking chances.
The bottom line: If you think you have a cold, get tested anyway. Don’t be a Typhoid Mary.
I’m going to have to ask you to stay in your lane.
Spiders, please stay out of my basement.
Squirrels, please stop looking in my bedroom window.
Birds, please don’t come into my house.
I got home last night and opened my front door to get the mail. One of you flew in uninvited. Then had the nerve to fly upstairs.
My dustmop and I followed.
Luckily, your fowl emissary was smart. He (she?) settled on the floor. I gently placed the dustmop on top of him (her?) until I could grab a hand towel. I wrapped the scout in the hand towel, and we both went outside.
My niece said she thinks it’s a House Sparrow (which would be appropriate) or that I’m a Disney princess.
I had to make your rep skedaddle by flapping the towel.
But why? There’s nothing for any of you inside. No supply of worms. No room to fly high. No comfy nest.
Stay outside!
This is not the first time you outside critters have been lured by the great indoors, though. In my first apartment in Savannah, a rat came up from the dumpster outside. (I lived above a famous Southern restaurant. Loads of food waste.)
Luckily, my friend Brenon was on patrol with an ax handle. He went ham. Sorry, Remy.
That was the same night my immediate downstairs neighbor dealt with a bat from the chimney. And the neighbor below her had a random cat in heat show up.
Rat. Bat. Cat.
What’s up with that?
Anyway, you stay in your habitat, and I’ll stay in mine.
