I’m surprised if I have any still. My last post was June 1. That’s more than three weeks: The longest dry spell in years.
In my defense, I’ve been very busy trying to stay alive.
Both of my children are now driving.
Each child presents a different patience challenge.
Gideon has a hard time with turns. And curbs.
Dominic doesn’t like stop signs. Or using his turn signal.
I sit (mostly) quietly in my seat concentrating on my heart rate. I try not to go for the grab handle (known as the “oh shit” handle) or stomp on the imaginary brake.
All that’s fine; they are learning.
But then, when I’m driving, I’m subjected to a critique:
Dominic from the back seat: Did you use your turn signal? Me: Yes!
Gideon on the way to the store: You took that turn pretty fast! Me: (side eye)
I feel lucky. You are all really good kids. I like you, and your parents seem great too.
I spent loads of time with you over the weekend as it was Gideon’s birthday. I laughed so much.
Let’s recap:
Friday night, I took Roscoe and Gideon to meet Trent to see “A Quiet Place 2.”
Gideon: I forgot my debit card. Roscoe: I have $2. All: [pause] Roscoe: I’m ballin’ Me: [howling] Big pimpin’
Saturday, on the way to Six Flags, I discovered Cole is not a fan of roller coasters. He must really like Gideon to agree to go to a theme park with him.
We drive up to the entrance and see a coaster.
Me: That’s the Georgia Scorcher. You stand up on it. Cole: [blanching] Me: Are your hands clammy now? Cole: My whole body is clammy.
Y’all are at that age where you don’t really want parents around, so Eddie and I peeled off.
You found us at Macho Nacho.
Me: Where’s Dominic? Gideon: He wanted a turkey leg, so we left him. Me: Dang. That’s cold.
Eddie and I felt sorry for Dominic, so we went to find him.
Me, calling Dominic: Where are you? Dominic, sounding annoyed: I’m getting a turkey leg. Me: Where? Dominic: At the Sky Screamer Drinks and Eats. It’s across from the Sky Screamer. Me: We’ll be right there.
We get there, and Dominic tells me he has had the exact same conversation with Josh, Gideon twice, me, then Roscoe. I started laughing, because he repeated the conversation each time for my benefit.
An hour in line (no exaggeration), he finally had his leg.
This is my son. (I do this too.)
We had to leave Six Flags. It was just too crowded. Clearly there’s no COVID in Georgia. 🙄
Trent chatted amiably with me on the way back to the car. I learned all about his job search. And other things.
Trent: I just need about a thousand dollars for equipment. Me: When you get your job, that will happen soon. What kind of music do you do? Trent: I rap for Jesus. Me: Oh! Ok. You have a rap name? Trent: It’s Trent Truth. Me: That’s great!
We decided to resume Gideon’s birthday at the pool.
The next day, we took Dominic and HIS friends whitewater rafting. I’m eternally shocked at Dominic and Gideon’s choice of music for car rides.
Dominic: Green Day to Bee Gees to Taylor Swift Gideon: Neil Diamond to Doom
And then there’s Adem’s choice of footwear. I was surprised to learn Crocs are hella trendy again.
Adem: I’ve got my Crocs in support mode.
That meant he used the back straps. Dylan could have taken a page out of Adem’s book.
If you are on the Ocoee River and find a shoe, it’s Dylan’s.
I feel fortunate. I do. My children have chosen wisely.
Your brother is a reporter after his mother’s heart.
Dominic: Did you know Gideon’s got a girlfriend? Me: What? No! Him: For a month now. Long distance. She lives in Arizona. Her name is Kate [redacted]. Me: What? How did they meet? Him: On Yubo. We made Dylan download it because he’s got no girl. Me: Is that like a dating social media app for y’all? Him: Yeah. Like Tinder. Me: Tinder for kids. Kinder!
😂
(I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your server!)
Thank you for sharing with me the link to the car you want.
I regret to inform you that we are not going to get you a car at this time.
There are three very good reasons for this decision:
You do not yet have your license. You only have a permit until September.
You haven’t saved up enough money.
You are failing four out of seven classes.
Also, a MUSTANG? As a teenaged boy? A teenaged boy with terrible grades? You will not be able to afford the insurance. We will not be able to afford the insurance.
You said you wanted a car to be able to drive yourself to football practice, thus making it easier for us.
Thank you for your concern.
What I can offer you is my bus pass. The No. 25 goes right to your school.
Love,
Mama
*Thanks, Tracy Chapman. (Now try to get that song out of your head.)
I know that the meme is comparing these two because of their beef, but Cardi B is an entertainer. Candace Owens is not.
It is possible that young girls can idolize both, and also various other public figures as well as people in their own lives.
We need to normalize black and brown people in positions of power. It shouldn’t be EITHER Cardi B OR Candace Owens.
Why is this a left/right thing?
I know you and loads of your kind (aka white Boomers) are clutching your pearls over Cardi B’s Grammy performance and the song in general.
I have thoughts about that too:
I bet you didn’t even watch. Your friends and people on chosen news outlets (i.e., Owens) told you that you should be wound up.
If you did watch and were offended, you could have turned it off.
It should not be considered offensive to celebrate female sexuality. (I got into it at Christmas over “WAP” vs. “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”)
All of this is so silly to me. All my life, I’ve heard older people lose their minds about music, video games, books and whatnot having a negative impact on children.
You know who should be worried about children? Their parents. Period.
I’m far from perfect, but I do frankly address topics like sex, drugs, etc., with my boys. I’d rather they hear the truth from me, as uncomfortable as it may be for them and for me.
So stop worrying about what other people and their children are/are not doing, and mind your own business.
Also, perhaps consider getting out of the meme game.
Sincerely,
Your daughter’s friend
*People actually complained to the FCC about the performance. Get a grip! It’s the Grammys. What do you expect? Everyone knew Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion were going to perform. Just change the channel if you don’t like it.
I’m very sorry my public reply to your public question to AITA on Twitter upset you so much that you blocked me.
I’ve never been blocked before — not to my knowledge, anyway.
Maybe you block people regularly, so you don’t remember our exchange.
(And if you do block people regularly, perhaps you should stay off Twitter. Or stop commenting on tweets from popular accounts.)
To remind you, @AITA_reddit posted a selection involving a grown woman whose teenaged boys were mortified by her One Direction decor in one of the bathrooms.
As a mother of teenaged boys, and as someone who loves One Direction, I was interested in the post and fully on her side (as most people were).
But there’s always one person who wants to make it awkward.
That person was you.
It seemed like quite a leap from liking a band to being a pedophile. I’m shocked 584 people implied they agreed with you.
I was compelled to respond. (Because of course I was.) But I wasn’t the only one.
1. Target sold these candles.
2. I guarantee you that most moms of teenaged boys are not into thinking sexually about teenaged boys. They are gross.
3. Yes, I know some women do. That’s gross too. And, thankfully, not that common.
I think you are too sensitive to be on a public forum. You also seem to be projecting.
I am a middle-aged woman who thinks Harry Styles is very cute. He does not meet the age requirement (half my age plus seven) for naughtiness, and also, HE’S A CELEBRITY I’LL NEVER MEET.
Harry IS dating an older woman in the age-gap allowance (Olivia Wilde), so good for her.
(Side note on the age thing: I’m very excited to know that I can date all those hot middle-aged men when I’m 80. Cougaring FTW!)
When my aforementioned teenaged boys were young, they liked to watch iCarly. So I watched too. I thought Freddie Benson was adorable, but I did not want to sleep with him.
Now?
Hello, Freddie!
But no. Still not in the acceptable range. (Also, I’m married. Hi, Eddie!)
My point?
You can think someone is cute and not want to groom them for sex.
Just because a grown woman likes a boy band does not mean she is a pedophile.
I’m sorry if that’s hard for you to believe. And that, sadly, says more about your life.
I’m sorry my response upset you enough for you to block me. You didn’t need to worry, though: I had not planned on having any subsequent interaction with you.
May your future responses to @AITA_reddit bring you more peace, joy and solidarity than this one.
Is it normal for them to want to spend time with you?
Dominic got jealous of my trips with Gideon, so he asked if we could go somewhere together.
My head immediately exploded.
I’m not complaining. I just don’t remember even wanting to admit I had parents, let alone be seen with them.
When I asked him where he wanted to go, he had no suggestions.
Me: I know you don’t want to go hiking in a state park like Gideon and I do. Him: No. Me: What about a city like Chicago or Philadelphia for the weekend? Him: I have a gamer friend in Chicago. Me: I’m not going to go all the way there and hang out with you and some gamer person you barely know. Him: What about a road trip? Me: Sure, but no more than four hours. I can’t do a car trip longer than that. Him: I’ve got it! Me: What? Him: The towing museum! Me: 💀
This is what he wrote while walking home from work.
Dear Parents of Teens:
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.* Maybe you can relate.
If there is one thing my boys have been this week is a fantastic distraction from chaos in the Capitol.
Here are some vignettes that have amused me:
Dominic, lifting the lid of the pot on the stove: What’s this? Me: Turkey chili. Dominic: I’m using the slotted spoon so I don’t get as much liquid. Me: Why? Use the ladle there against the side of the pot to drain it off. Dominic: Too late. Me: (loud sigh) Dominic: I love you.
Me, eating too many chips a few days before I decided to begin my diet again: I’ve given up. Gideon: Haven’t we all?
Dominic, listening to ’80s music that he has JUST DISCOVERED like he’s some kind of musical Magellan: You know that piña colada song? Me: Of course. Dominic: How do they not have trust issues afterward?
Me, hosing Gideon down with Lysol as we come in the door: OK. Now do me. Gideon: OK Me, slipping in the spray on the floor: (high-pitched yodel) Gideon: So you turn into Michael Jackson when you nearly fall?
Dominic: Are they all back from Marshall’s? Me: “All” who? It was just your father and Gideon. Dominic: Gideon brought a posse into Publix. Three girls! Me: What? I knew about two. Who’s the third? Dominic: I don’t know. Me: Are you jealous? Don’t you have a girl? Dominic: Yes, I’m jealous. I’m all alone. [The girl] and I are on a break.
Dominic: Have you seen the home screen on Gideon’s new phone? Me: No! What is it? Dominic: His new girl. Me, yelling down the hall to Gideon: I bought you that phone. Now let me peep that girl! Dominic: (laughs like Muttley)
Me to our Alexa device outfitted with the Samuel L. Jackson voice: Hey Samuel, set a two-hour timer. Samuel L. Jackson: Two hours, Motherf—er. Gideon, from inside the bathroom: (laughs like Muttley)
Me, seeing Gideon has a bag of fruit: Why do you have that? Gideon: Remember? [His girl’s name] and I have a picnic date. Me: Oh right. Gideon: She wants me to meet her mom. What do I say? Me: Hello.
If you have stories to share — funny or not — please do.
Otherwise, I’ll be over here by myself, regretting my decision to do Dry January.
Observe and report 